Tomorrow I've been invited for afternoon tea at the Radiology Dept maybe I'll see into my own kidneys, (drink a litre of water or tea if you like an hour before).
There has been a suggestion that if one of them's a bit knackered it could be sold to China "Needs slight attention. Unfinished project. A good holiday kidney," something on those lines.
I'm beginning to wonder if walloping into the tarmac of the old A9 in July has anything to do with it?
26th Nov. The SeX-Factor.
The Otter has a hot date hillwalking (hillwalking?) with some woman that works out at that Health Club for pansies and can wear Lycra.
"Attractive?"
"Second only to the chick that works in The Bothy"
Pah! I find that hard to believe, as the 'chick that works in The Bothy,' who of course cannot possibly be from Scotland or even any part of the Uk, is so beautiful as to be accepted as THE Gold Standard of Attractivity.
Although she may actually be computer generated.
"How can I stop the Hormones?" wails the Otter.
This is good news for The Series as The Otter will be preoccupied and may go silly or even lose the plot and forget all about training for Ironman France or anything else.
His Libido will be shorted out directly to Earth with an almighty BBBBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!
"Attractive?"
"Second only to the chick that works in The Bothy"
Pah! I find that hard to believe, as the 'chick that works in The Bothy,' who of course cannot possibly be from Scotland or even any part of the Uk, is so beautiful as to be accepted as THE Gold Standard of Attractivity.
Although she may actually be computer generated.
"How can I stop the Hormones?" wails the Otter.
This is good news for The Series as The Otter will be preoccupied and may go silly or even lose the plot and forget all about training for Ironman France or anything else.
His Libido will be shorted out directly to Earth with an almighty BBBBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!
24th November. The Medical Blog.
"That's my pee" I said to the woman behind the glass screen at A & E.
The urine sample had the appearance of tomato juice.
"Oh"
How can you run 21k last weekend and have normal pee then run round the block while the tatties are boiling and produce such a shocking result?
"Take these Antibiotics" says Dr X.
Waste of time if you ask me because I don't feel ill In fact my theory is that wearing Isabelle's sister's cross country skiing pants stopped my 'tackle' from walloping about during the half marathon.
However running round the block in long johns that hardly stay up not only creates a spectacle but offers no support, and something has come unscrewed or cross-threaded, to put it in engineering terms.
It's either that or Cancer.
"I see you're down for more tests...that's good."
The urine sample had the appearance of tomato juice.
"Oh"
How can you run 21k last weekend and have normal pee then run round the block while the tatties are boiling and produce such a shocking result?
"Take these Antibiotics" says Dr X.
Waste of time if you ask me because I don't feel ill In fact my theory is that wearing Isabelle's sister's cross country skiing pants stopped my 'tackle' from walloping about during the half marathon.
However running round the block in long johns that hardly stay up not only creates a spectacle but offers no support, and something has come unscrewed or cross-threaded, to put it in engineering terms.
It's either that or Cancer.
"I see you're down for more tests...that's good."
17th November. Sprint Finish - To The Nearest Bushes.
A pee would equal losing.
Thirteen point two miles with a full bladder or probably not full, just feeling full.
The Otter claimed at the halfway point he was just jogging along to keep me company.
There was no chatting during the second half though, the Otter sighted a young woman's Lycra'd ass up ahead and tried to maintain pace.
I kept level with his feverish pursuit, knowing the race could still be lost on the incline of the last mile when he'd be pulling out all his hill climbing stops.
We entered the crowded stadium neck and neck for the final two laps to the finishing line, well actually a sodden field at the back of the Primary school with most of the other entrants finished and standing around.
The Otter didn't seem to have any sprint finish and claimed afterwards that the other wins weren't deliberate wins, it just happened that way.
So it was a win but not by much of a margin.
4:2.
Thirteen point two miles with a full bladder or probably not full, just feeling full.
The Otter claimed at the halfway point he was just jogging along to keep me company.
There was no chatting during the second half though, the Otter sighted a young woman's Lycra'd ass up ahead and tried to maintain pace.
I kept level with his feverish pursuit, knowing the race could still be lost on the incline of the last mile when he'd be pulling out all his hill climbing stops.
We entered the crowded stadium neck and neck for the final two laps to the finishing line, well actually a sodden field at the back of the Primary school with most of the other entrants finished and standing around.
The Otter didn't seem to have any sprint finish and claimed afterwards that the other wins weren't deliberate wins, it just happened that way.
So it was a win but not by much of a margin.
4:2.
15th November. Half-Arsed Marathon.
Preparation for tomorrows half marathon thing has been limited.
Something not quite right in the waterworks, it may be just cancer.
Later in the week there's something else to look forward to: report to the Radiology department with a full bladder.
Having sat cross-legged for an indeterminate period and kitted out in one of those gowns I expect to be tortured with Ultrasound and x-rays whilst trying to avoid any involuntary stirrings if it's a nurse under the age of... I don't know?
Back to tomorrow.
The Otter is fit again but untried over the distance he may go out with tendonitus.
I don't mind wetting myself if I was going to win.
Something not quite right in the waterworks, it may be just cancer.
Later in the week there's something else to look forward to: report to the Radiology department with a full bladder.
Having sat cross-legged for an indeterminate period and kitted out in one of those gowns I expect to be tortured with Ultrasound and x-rays whilst trying to avoid any involuntary stirrings if it's a nurse under the age of... I don't know?
Back to tomorrow.
The Otter is fit again but untried over the distance he may go out with tendonitus.
I don't mind wetting myself if I was going to win.
11th November. How Mad Are You?
What I mean is really: How mad am I?
"Horizon' BBC2 explored the difficulty in separating the nutter from the non-nutter by observation alone.
When is a character trait just a character trait and not a symptom of a more serious malaise?
Take pessimism for instance, you don't have to be depressed to be pessimistic.
But do you have to be happy to be optimistic?
Can you be optimistic about the future if you live in the Maldives (nothing more than 2 metres above current sea level)?
Optimism strikes me as a symptom of a far more serious delusion or just plain ignorance.
Or am I mad?
Imagine being depressed and optimistic, that's a good one - things can only get better!
Wanna Bet?
"Horizon' BBC2 explored the difficulty in separating the nutter from the non-nutter by observation alone.
When is a character trait just a character trait and not a symptom of a more serious malaise?
Take pessimism for instance, you don't have to be depressed to be pessimistic.
But do you have to be happy to be optimistic?
Can you be optimistic about the future if you live in the Maldives (nothing more than 2 metres above current sea level)?
Optimism strikes me as a symptom of a far more serious delusion or just plain ignorance.
Or am I mad?
Imagine being depressed and optimistic, that's a good one - things can only get better!
Wanna Bet?
10th November. Knobbled!
Only one week to go to the next event in the Otter/Walrus Series, a nice half marathon.
"There's something in the British psyche that loves an under-achiever." ( In fact I see myself as quintessentially British.)
Actually I don't think I've ever won anything apart from the first Otter/Walrus event, from then I've clearly been the Eddie The Eagle of Triathlon.
Now in a sudden twist of fate the Otter has suffered an injury, more drink than sports related, I hear, something involving vast amounts of Tennents Lager and a staircase.
Tch Tch Tch...
Mind you It's not the winning that's important... errr....?
"There's something in the British psyche that loves an under-achiever." ( In fact I see myself as quintessentially British.)
Actually I don't think I've ever won anything apart from the first Otter/Walrus event, from then I've clearly been the Eddie The Eagle of Triathlon.
Now in a sudden twist of fate the Otter has suffered an injury, more drink than sports related, I hear, something involving vast amounts of Tennents Lager and a staircase.
Tch Tch Tch...
Mind you It's not the winning that's important... errr....?
2nd November. Ya Wee Feartie!
Now that insect life has gone into winter recess, more or less, it's quite possible to ride with one's visor permanently up.
This was a boon due to both the inside and the outside being rendered opaque from salt spray.
The external being the salt on the roads and the internal the air drying of copious nose waterings.
Despite being able to see about as clearly as present eyesight will allow I found my ability to keep up with the rest of the FEMCC hampered by dark imaginings centred on greasy tarmac and larch needles.
It's just another aspect of Natural Weakness.
Like the inability to eat your own weight in black pudding after 15 pints of 'Best' the night before without a trace of heartburn.
Talking of Natural Weakness, on the way down Glen Lyon I spied the Otter's car parked at the side of the road, whilst he was away flogging himself up the side of Cairn Mairg,
Probably with just a bag of out of season strawberries for the day, it's all part of training up for the next event.
Ladbrokes aren't taking any more bets on the Buchlyvie Half Marathon, I hear.
This was a boon due to both the inside and the outside being rendered opaque from salt spray.
The external being the salt on the roads and the internal the air drying of copious nose waterings.
Despite being able to see about as clearly as present eyesight will allow I found my ability to keep up with the rest of the FEMCC hampered by dark imaginings centred on greasy tarmac and larch needles.
It's just another aspect of Natural Weakness.
Like the inability to eat your own weight in black pudding after 15 pints of 'Best' the night before without a trace of heartburn.
Talking of Natural Weakness, on the way down Glen Lyon I spied the Otter's car parked at the side of the road, whilst he was away flogging himself up the side of Cairn Mairg,
Probably with just a bag of out of season strawberries for the day, it's all part of training up for the next event.
Ladbrokes aren't taking any more bets on the Buchlyvie Half Marathon, I hear.
1st November. F.E.M.C.C. Latest.
I can't believe we're supposed to be going away on a motorcycle piss-up trip today.
I'm feeling a bit under the weather due to the common cold virus and the actual weather is -0.2 degrees. Perfect.
These Failing Eyesight Club runs seem to be getting later and later in the year. I mean a few short weeks and it could have been a 'Turkey & Tinsel' run taking advantage of a cheap inclusive deal between Christmas and New Year.
David, needless to say has some sort of plug-in suit reliant on resistance heating like a giant electric toaster.
If the current drain proves too much for his battery he can be just left to die of hypothermia at the roadside on the moors between Bridge of Cally and Pitlochry.
Tonight it'll be a 'few beers' at a wayside inn similar to The Cock & Prostate, followed by a 'Full English Coronary Breakfast'' in the morning.
Although a 'Full Scottish' is similar just with a higher fat content.
I wonder what organ will fail next?
I'm feeling a bit under the weather due to the common cold virus and the actual weather is -0.2 degrees. Perfect.
These Failing Eyesight Club runs seem to be getting later and later in the year. I mean a few short weeks and it could have been a 'Turkey & Tinsel' run taking advantage of a cheap inclusive deal between Christmas and New Year.
David, needless to say has some sort of plug-in suit reliant on resistance heating like a giant electric toaster.
If the current drain proves too much for his battery he can be just left to die of hypothermia at the roadside on the moors between Bridge of Cally and Pitlochry.
Tonight it'll be a 'few beers' at a wayside inn similar to The Cock & Prostate, followed by a 'Full English Coronary Breakfast'' in the morning.
Although a 'Full Scottish' is similar just with a higher fat content.
I wonder what organ will fail next?
30th October. Effing Fruit.
I've felt ill ever since I started liquidizing that fruit in the morning.
A churning stomach and an excess of acid by about 11 am.
The other morning I was bent double over a flat pack chest of drawers from Argos which was making me feel nauseous to start with and I could just feel all that fruit frothing around.
First I thought it was the Passion fruit so I cut that out, then maybe it was the bananas? so I gave them the body swerve;
In the end there'd be no fruit left.
So what's the point of fruit if it makes you feel ill?
None.
A churning stomach and an excess of acid by about 11 am.
The other morning I was bent double over a flat pack chest of drawers from Argos which was making me feel nauseous to start with and I could just feel all that fruit frothing around.
First I thought it was the Passion fruit so I cut that out, then maybe it was the bananas? so I gave them the body swerve;
In the end there'd be no fruit left.
So what's the point of fruit if it makes you feel ill?
None.
28th October. Literally Another Arse Up.
Subject to an unspeakable violation this morning at Glaver Street.
"We'll have to have a look at your tail-end" which is Dr F's own choice of euphemism I suppose.
It might have been a different experience if instead of being a middle aged blowke with glasses Dr F. was a 29 year old blonde with 36DD boobs and was wearing outrageous heels and a pleated tartan mini-skirt.
As it was I just had to 'Think of England'.
Dr F. pronounced my Prostate to be 'normal sized', that is, according to the Internet like a walnut.
Yeah but maybe mine was only like a Brazil nut when it was normal.
Thinking of England, a good name for a rural pub with one of those Inn signs, where local worthies meet up, could be
The Cock & Prostate.
With a cross-sectional diagram out of a medical textbook on the sign.
"We'll have to have a look at your tail-end" which is Dr F's own choice of euphemism I suppose.
It might have been a different experience if instead of being a middle aged blowke with glasses Dr F. was a 29 year old blonde with 36DD boobs and was wearing outrageous heels and a pleated tartan mini-skirt.
As it was I just had to 'Think of England'.
Dr F. pronounced my Prostate to be 'normal sized', that is, according to the Internet like a walnut.
Yeah but maybe mine was only like a Brazil nut when it was normal.
Thinking of England, a good name for a rural pub with one of those Inn signs, where local worthies meet up, could be
The Cock & Prostate.
With a cross-sectional diagram out of a medical textbook on the sign.
26th October. Like Rocky - Sort Of...
Even the Government, and of course Tesco, say you should be eating 5 pieces of fruit a day.
What happens if you don't like fruit?
The Cancer Research 'scientific' 10k run time calculator asks: Do you eat five a day? as well as age, smoking, drinking etc.
There's no getting away from fruit and The Otter positively thrives on it, a winning combination of air-freighted, out-of-season, exotic, tropical, berries, citrus - whatever.
This fruit thing cannot be ignored as a factor in bladder function too.
First thing in the morning instead of cracking eggs into a jug, the answer is to drop fruit into a liquidizer and get it over with, just gulp it down like Rocky, in a one-er.
Is it working though?
A bit early to say but my poo flops out as easily as a monkey's afterbirth now.
What happens if you don't like fruit?
The Cancer Research 'scientific' 10k run time calculator asks: Do you eat five a day? as well as age, smoking, drinking etc.
There's no getting away from fruit and The Otter positively thrives on it, a winning combination of air-freighted, out-of-season, exotic, tropical, berries, citrus - whatever.
This fruit thing cannot be ignored as a factor in bladder function too.
First thing in the morning instead of cracking eggs into a jug, the answer is to drop fruit into a liquidizer and get it over with, just gulp it down like Rocky, in a one-er.
Is it working though?
A bit early to say but my poo flops out as easily as a monkey's afterbirth now.
22nd October. Dr. Oetker Writes...
"Blood in the urine is indicative of a possible Urinary Tract Infection possibly caused by being a dirty bastard, if you'd changed your underpants more often this would never have happened.
If the symptoms still persist after a course of antibiotics I wouldn't be surprised if you've got prostate cancer from sticking your head in one too many sooty chimneys, that's all down to career choice.
Either way I've no sympathy.
You may only have a couple of months."
If the symptoms still persist after a course of antibiotics I wouldn't be surprised if you've got prostate cancer from sticking your head in one too many sooty chimneys, that's all down to career choice.
Either way I've no sympathy.
You may only have a couple of months."
21st October. Welcome To Urinary World.
Monday night my piss looked like a cross between liquidized pumpkin and a pint of Caffreys, running made me want to stop for a pee every 100 yds.
It's true that Mrs G. gave me two plates of Pumpkin Risotto for lunch, does it colour your urine?
but pissing every 100 yds and nothing coming out?
What would Dr Oetker say?
Could it be too much wanking... Dr?
It's true that Mrs G. gave me two plates of Pumpkin Risotto for lunch, does it colour your urine?
but pissing every 100 yds and nothing coming out?
What would Dr Oetker say?
Could it be too much wanking... Dr?
19th October. Loser Loser Effing Loser! 4:1
An early lead quickly resulted in oxygen debt, the Otter drew level at the first km then gradually the gap widened.
Maybe the race was over?
It's possible that a ceiling exists to performance that no amount of training can raise, hence the theory of Natural Weakness.
However Sports Psychology points to the benefit of a positve attitude. Instead of asking 'Why am I so bloody slow?' one should re-phrase; 'What can I do to run faster?'
But it was hopeless, a Personal Best of 47 mins 1 sec just wasn't good enough.
"What was your time?" I gasped.
The Otter hadn't seen the large digital clock at the finish due to a gaze transfixed by some young woman's ass running directly in front.
Maybe the Otter was 5 seconds ahead more likely 10, we'll never know.
Junior came in at a creditable 1 hr 3 mins for someone who exercises about as much as 'Tiddles' the cat.
After race analysis consisted of me repeatedly interjecting into a conversation about the shape of women's asses that 'I should have won'.
Maybe the race was over?
It's possible that a ceiling exists to performance that no amount of training can raise, hence the theory of Natural Weakness.
However Sports Psychology points to the benefit of a positve attitude. Instead of asking 'Why am I so bloody slow?' one should re-phrase; 'What can I do to run faster?'
But it was hopeless, a Personal Best of 47 mins 1 sec just wasn't good enough.
"What was your time?" I gasped.
The Otter hadn't seen the large digital clock at the finish due to a gaze transfixed by some young woman's ass running directly in front.
Maybe the Otter was 5 seconds ahead more likely 10, we'll never know.
Junior came in at a creditable 1 hr 3 mins for someone who exercises about as much as 'Tiddles' the cat.
After race analysis consisted of me repeatedly interjecting into a conversation about the shape of women's asses that 'I should have won'.
18th October. A No Win Fun Run Situation.
The Otter has been training in secret having completed a couple of 10ks during the week and seems to be hinting at some downloaded program that aims at a future sub 30 min time.
However he may have neglected that all important rest period and by the sounds of it is suffering from some bronchial trouble or common cold.
If I win the bets are off because it's not a fair contest, if I lose it'll be a total humiliation, a bit like the opponent having one hand tied behind his back and still coming out tops.
However he may have neglected that all important rest period and by the sounds of it is suffering from some bronchial trouble or common cold.
If I win the bets are off because it's not a fair contest, if I lose it'll be a total humiliation, a bit like the opponent having one hand tied behind his back and still coming out tops.
16th October. Tesco Fatties 10k Facesaver.
In the current Otter Series the scorecard has been marked up as 3:1 to the Otter, although the last defeat was frankly mechanical.
This Sundays race against Cancer (although apparently marathon running actually gives you cancer), presents another opportunity to save face.
The Otter has undergone gait analysis with some woman and will be pre-occupied with whether his pelvis is going forwards when it should be going backwards, or vice-versa and just how much damage, permanent and otherwise the act of running will be doing.
Junior is coming along, although without any training whatsover should be down with the fat ladies.
With the perfect physique for running I should be well ahead...
This Sundays race against Cancer (although apparently marathon running actually gives you cancer), presents another opportunity to save face.
The Otter has undergone gait analysis with some woman and will be pre-occupied with whether his pelvis is going forwards when it should be going backwards, or vice-versa and just how much damage, permanent and otherwise the act of running will be doing.
Junior is coming along, although without any training whatsover should be down with the fat ladies.
With the perfect physique for running I should be well ahead...
13th October. In Memorium.
As the nights are drawing in I decided to invest £8.30 or thereabouts in the glimmerisation of the rear of the Raleigh.
The advent of the LED came too late for Dicky S. the celebrated local Pyromaniac who came to an untimely end riding without lights on the B935 several years ago.
It was the recollection of this event that hastened me to Halfords before following the same route as there is a long dark road ahead if there's to be any chance of completing 180kms on a scorching day in the Sud de France.
The advent of the LED came too late for Dicky S. the celebrated local Pyromaniac who came to an untimely end riding without lights on the B935 several years ago.
It was the recollection of this event that hastened me to Halfords before following the same route as there is a long dark road ahead if there's to be any chance of completing 180kms on a scorching day in the Sud de France.
12th October. Running Uphill Through Cow's Skitters In Sandals.
There's no way an ordinary human being can complete Ironman France without a strict training regimen.
Frankly we're into uncharted waters here with a divergence from the usual half-arsed minimum effort approach.
But really it doesn't seem right at all.
I mean, I see myself finishing in the top ten, the only training will be the long casual cycle down to the south of France on Eddie Webb's dad's bike I bought from David for a fiver in 1973.
Anyway this is all fantasm I tell myself heading up the Wallace Road ankle deep in bovine excreta and general gutters, luckily I was wearing clarks sandals for this 20k "training" run.
Well it was really 2 x 10k broken by tea with toast and jam at Alistair's who needless to say has little or no interest in endurance sport.
"I'm going back to Los Angeles, to go flying again"
"How can you possibly justify that?"
"It's my only hobby"
"Yeah but its kind of an expensive one compared with..."
"Stamp Collecting?"
"Well if you like."
Frankly we're into uncharted waters here with a divergence from the usual half-arsed minimum effort approach.
But really it doesn't seem right at all.
I mean, I see myself finishing in the top ten, the only training will be the long casual cycle down to the south of France on Eddie Webb's dad's bike I bought from David for a fiver in 1973.
Anyway this is all fantasm I tell myself heading up the Wallace Road ankle deep in bovine excreta and general gutters, luckily I was wearing clarks sandals for this 20k "training" run.
Well it was really 2 x 10k broken by tea with toast and jam at Alistair's who needless to say has little or no interest in endurance sport.
"I'm going back to Los Angeles, to go flying again"
"How can you possibly justify that?"
"It's my only hobby"
"Yeah but its kind of an expensive one compared with..."
"Stamp Collecting?"
"Well if you like."
11th October. The Earnman.
"An opportunity has arisen to do the Earnman swim tomorrow" read a late communique from the Otter.
Course it was a different story standing by the side of the black waters of the loch at four in the afternoon with a fresh westerley breeze.
"I just can't imagine swimming that far" I said peering down the lochside to some point miles away.
"It's bloody miles away!"
"Well it is - two miles exactly,"
"It'll be dark at this rate."
"Well I'm not that fussed about doing it at all, I'm quite hungry actually, what benefit is there to be gained from doing this?."
"It was your idea!"
"Yeah but think how nice it would be if it was flat calm."
"It's not going to be flat calm in the sea at Nice."
The question is what to think about during what amounts to an isolation tank experiment, the earplugs, the misted up goggles and the gradual numbing of the entire body.
Uppermost in my mind was 'It can't be far to that bloody fish farm' or 'Where is that bloody fish farm?'
The fish farm smelt pretty fishy, so that sense was still operating.
On arrival at the end point a bit past the fish farm I couldn't stand up being more hyperthermic than the Otter. Then had difficulty steadying one hand to get the key in the car door.
In retrospect it was maybe a bit late in the season for open water swimming.
Course it was a different story standing by the side of the black waters of the loch at four in the afternoon with a fresh westerley breeze.
"I just can't imagine swimming that far" I said peering down the lochside to some point miles away.
"It's bloody miles away!"
"Well it is - two miles exactly,"
"It'll be dark at this rate."
"Well I'm not that fussed about doing it at all, I'm quite hungry actually, what benefit is there to be gained from doing this?."
"It was your idea!"
"Yeah but think how nice it would be if it was flat calm."
"It's not going to be flat calm in the sea at Nice."
The question is what to think about during what amounts to an isolation tank experiment, the earplugs, the misted up goggles and the gradual numbing of the entire body.
Uppermost in my mind was 'It can't be far to that bloody fish farm' or 'Where is that bloody fish farm?'
The fish farm smelt pretty fishy, so that sense was still operating.
On arrival at the end point a bit past the fish farm I couldn't stand up being more hyperthermic than the Otter. Then had difficulty steadying one hand to get the key in the car door.
In retrospect it was maybe a bit late in the season for open water swimming.
9th October. Fish Man.
"Endless repetition" the Otter claims, is the way to improvement in swimming.
I set myself the goal of swimming 120 lengths, which is roughly equivalent to 150 lengths of that overheated paddling pool for the pampered that the Otter frequents.
After God knows what distance I feel like a creature that is coming up to breathe like a fish in water rather than a fish out of water.
I celebrate with a whole fish supper rather than just the medium.
I set myself the goal of swimming 120 lengths, which is roughly equivalent to 150 lengths of that overheated paddling pool for the pampered that the Otter frequents.
After God knows what distance I feel like a creature that is coming up to breathe like a fish in water rather than a fish out of water.
I celebrate with a whole fish supper rather than just the medium.
7th October. The Glimmer Man.
I'd have come in for a bit of criticism if the Otter had come LED fell running tonight, re route finding.
To be honest trying to find a way from East Dron Hill To Culteuchar Hill is like searching for the North West Passage, instead of pack ice there's ranks of Sitka Spruce not shown on maps.
Darkness fell, the drizzle continued, I found myself in a ravine plunging through saturated grass and banks of nettles in shorts, which it has to be said still retained a surprising amount of sting despite being so late in the season.
A pheasant broke cover surprised by the glimmer of the three LEDs I half expected to meet a shooting party, how would one begin to explain oneself?
For the same reason, once clear of the rain forest and running down a sloping stubble field towards the lights of a farm house I put the head torch off to avoid creating some sort of UFO spectacle or perhaps moving target.
The lasting effect is similar to having rubbed well in some brand of Very Extreme Deep Heat from the ankles to the knees.
It looks to be a restless night.
To be honest trying to find a way from East Dron Hill To Culteuchar Hill is like searching for the North West Passage, instead of pack ice there's ranks of Sitka Spruce not shown on maps.
Darkness fell, the drizzle continued, I found myself in a ravine plunging through saturated grass and banks of nettles in shorts, which it has to be said still retained a surprising amount of sting despite being so late in the season.
A pheasant broke cover surprised by the glimmer of the three LEDs I half expected to meet a shooting party, how would one begin to explain oneself?
For the same reason, once clear of the rain forest and running down a sloping stubble field towards the lights of a farm house I put the head torch off to avoid creating some sort of UFO spectacle or perhaps moving target.
The lasting effect is similar to having rubbed well in some brand of Very Extreme Deep Heat from the ankles to the knees.
It looks to be a restless night.
6th October. Team Banana.
Now awaiting delivery from eBay by Parcel Force of a race replica 531 Raleigh Team Banana frame, I kid you not.
The logic is, if it was good enough for the pro racer of the late 1980's surely it's good enough for the likes of me.
I hear the Otter is set on spending up on some sort of alloy/carbon machine eschewing the choice of handbuilt steel for the work of Robbie The Far Eastern Robot.
Anyway following yesterday's one legged cycling revelation I have begun a program called the Uni-leg Method, another string to Dr Oetker's bow.
As the nights are drawing in, this drill has to be executed by the LED glimmer of a headtorch in the dark
The logic is, if it was good enough for the pro racer of the late 1980's surely it's good enough for the likes of me.
I hear the Otter is set on spending up on some sort of alloy/carbon machine eschewing the choice of handbuilt steel for the work of Robbie The Far Eastern Robot.
Anyway following yesterday's one legged cycling revelation I have begun a program called the Uni-leg Method, another string to Dr Oetker's bow.
As the nights are drawing in, this drill has to be executed by the LED glimmer of a headtorch in the dark
5th October. Duathlon Disaster- The Otter Cleans Up.
A touch of ground frost saw the Otter rigged out in woolly hat and gloves.
The field soon strung out, I could hear a characteristic burping somewhere behind and then a bit later the sound of fleet feet coming past with the inevitable lapping on the third lap by the front runners.
The Otter was behind but still in contention that was, until after Transition one. I had the new secret weapon of the E bay wheels...
Going well and pulling a higher than normal gear, stripped down to the bare Lycra for full aerodynamics, the mountain bike mounted Otter was left virtually standing.
Passing some other riders I was already composing a blog based around Triumph! or Victory! until...
BANG!
Without warning, whilst standing up on the pedals for maximum effort uphill, the right hand pedal had managed to unscrew itself, naturally the sudden loss in balance with the other foot still attached to the left pedal resulted in a close encounter with Tarmac of the A907.
To cut it all short the thread was a bit mangled so the pedal wouldn't go back on the crank and the Otter came passed assured of another automatic win.
The only plus point was the realisation that a few miles of one legged cycling is an excellent drill for improving pedalling efficiency.
The field soon strung out, I could hear a characteristic burping somewhere behind and then a bit later the sound of fleet feet coming past with the inevitable lapping on the third lap by the front runners.
The Otter was behind but still in contention that was, until after Transition one. I had the new secret weapon of the E bay wheels...
Going well and pulling a higher than normal gear, stripped down to the bare Lycra for full aerodynamics, the mountain bike mounted Otter was left virtually standing.
Passing some other riders I was already composing a blog based around Triumph! or Victory! until...
BANG!
Without warning, whilst standing up on the pedals for maximum effort uphill, the right hand pedal had managed to unscrew itself, naturally the sudden loss in balance with the other foot still attached to the left pedal resulted in a close encounter with Tarmac of the A907.
To cut it all short the thread was a bit mangled so the pedal wouldn't go back on the crank and the Otter came passed assured of another automatic win.
The only plus point was the realisation that a few miles of one legged cycling is an excellent drill for improving pedalling efficiency.
2nd October. 10k run/40k bike/5k run. " The Facesaver."
E bay has provided an upgraded pair of wheels in time for the next event in the Walrus/Otter Series - The Stirling Duathlon.
No water involved on Sunday, just cycling and running.
The Otter is compromised by:
1. No swimming.
2. No women in Lycra probably only shorts to chase after.
3. No road bike, having to make do with mountain bike tyres on the road.
4. No-train week due to a bad case of shellfish bottom, unless it was a mouthful of effluent in last weeks Jobbie Aquathon.
No water involved on Sunday, just cycling and running.
The Otter is compromised by:
1. No swimming.
2. No women in Lycra probably only shorts to chase after.
3. No road bike, having to make do with mountain bike tyres on the road.
4. No-train week due to a bad case of shellfish bottom, unless it was a mouthful of effluent in last weeks Jobbie Aquathon.
29th September. Me 1. The Otter 2.
Third in the Otter/Me Series of events saw defeat in the Jobbie Aquathon by two and a half minutes.
The Otter's swim time was compromised by gagging on the saltwater but not compromised enough apparently.
"Where else can you see fit birds in Lycra - outside?" announces the Otter "It's the outside bit that gets me."
It's becoming apparent that the very real improvement in run time is driven simply by chasing after attractive women in skin tight clothing.
The Otter's swim time was compromised by gagging on the saltwater but not compromised enough apparently.
"Where else can you see fit birds in Lycra - outside?" announces the Otter "It's the outside bit that gets me."
It's becoming apparent that the very real improvement in run time is driven simply by chasing after attractive women in skin tight clothing.
27th September. To Infinity And Beyond!!
Had to draw down funding from the Otter to make sure of entry into Ironman France 2009.
Dear oh dear. Of course without endless weeks of training the result will be no result - just DNF or even DEATH.
The Otter is confident of finishing even at this stage of the process although probably not if the event was tomorrow...
Tomorrow the event is the Tampon Jobbie Hyperdermic Aquathon offshore of Leith, an early start.
"Phone me at 6.30" says The Otter "I'm not very good at waking up."
The grey waters of the Forth promise a rude awakening.
Dear oh dear. Of course without endless weeks of training the result will be no result - just DNF or even DEATH.
The Otter is confident of finishing even at this stage of the process although probably not if the event was tomorrow...
Tomorrow the event is the Tampon Jobbie Hyperdermic Aquathon offshore of Leith, an early start.
"Phone me at 6.30" says The Otter "I'm not very good at waking up."
The grey waters of the Forth promise a rude awakening.
24th September. The Otter's Lost The Plot.
This blog appears to have degenerated into nothing other than guff about Triathlons.
Now the Walrus/Otter has lost it completely after receiving that award, signing up for every available upcoming event remaining on the calendar.
Aquathons, Half Marathons, Duathlons, 24hr Mountain Biking (Eeee Gads!) needless to say I feel compelled for some strange reason to follow suit.
I've just paid thirteen quid to wallow in and swallow no doubt the grey waters of the Firth of Forth just along from Leith.
What springs to mind is sanitary towels and worse making their way down the estuary still it should all be over in a matter of fourteen minutes for me and much less for the Otter.
Then there'll be an opportunity to save face with the following 5km sprint to a photo finish?
What are Ladbrokes offering ?
What takes the biscuit though was the announcement of the Otter's fully paid up entry into Ironman France 2009,
Really who could be arsed?
Now the Walrus/Otter has lost it completely after receiving that award, signing up for every available upcoming event remaining on the calendar.
Aquathons, Half Marathons, Duathlons, 24hr Mountain Biking (Eeee Gads!) needless to say I feel compelled for some strange reason to follow suit.
I've just paid thirteen quid to wallow in and swallow no doubt the grey waters of the Firth of Forth just along from Leith.
What springs to mind is sanitary towels and worse making their way down the estuary still it should all be over in a matter of fourteen minutes for me and much less for the Otter.
Then there'll be an opportunity to save face with the following 5km sprint to a photo finish?
What are Ladbrokes offering ?
What takes the biscuit though was the announcement of the Otter's fully paid up entry into Ironman France 2009,
Really who could be arsed?
21st September. I'm a Failure - The Walrus Picks Up An Award.
"I don't know why you carried on and went up The Ben, I'd have gone to the Pub." said the victorious "Sea Otter" formally known as The Walrus.
The early dip in Loch Linnhe just opposite Morrisons gave the Walrus/Otter a head start, despite frittering away about 8 mins in Transition 1 pfaffing around with base layers.
Then as predicted, more or less, my Big Ben Nevis Triathlon unravelled with automatic failure due to Natural Weakness and a complete breakdown of the No-Training Policy particularly with respect to the hated Mountain Biking.
"Take those last two off and put them on to the run they're five minutes past the cut off point for starting the fourth lap." said the Big Chief indicating me and some other hapless weakling.
So that was the end of the Mountain Biking, three laps instead of the four, to be quite honest I was getting a bit cheesed off with the 90km of two wheel hell by this point.
Well I thought it's all over now what's the effing point? so I stopped for a cup of tea with some of the marshalls at the foot of the tourist path to Britains highest point before pressing on.
A harsh reality check - I was going to be robbed of even the satisfaction of properly completing the race let alone vanquishing the formerly obese, I'd be simply marked down as DNF. DNF!
I'd only gone on about quarter of a mile further when who should come trotting up behind but the Sea Otter, with completion of the requisite four laps and a now guaranteed victory in hand.
This was of course, barring some chance fracture or knee dislocation during the hell-for-leather descent back to the town centre.
Anyway the awards were dished out later in the Ben Nevis Inn.
"...And each year we like to present a special prize... this year to..."
Yes, you've guessed it ... basically
A prize for not being fat.
There is loud applause.
The early dip in Loch Linnhe just opposite Morrisons gave the Walrus/Otter a head start, despite frittering away about 8 mins in Transition 1 pfaffing around with base layers.
Then as predicted, more or less, my Big Ben Nevis Triathlon unravelled with automatic failure due to Natural Weakness and a complete breakdown of the No-Training Policy particularly with respect to the hated Mountain Biking.
"Take those last two off and put them on to the run they're five minutes past the cut off point for starting the fourth lap." said the Big Chief indicating me and some other hapless weakling.
So that was the end of the Mountain Biking, three laps instead of the four, to be quite honest I was getting a bit cheesed off with the 90km of two wheel hell by this point.
Well I thought it's all over now what's the effing point? so I stopped for a cup of tea with some of the marshalls at the foot of the tourist path to Britains highest point before pressing on.
A harsh reality check - I was going to be robbed of even the satisfaction of properly completing the race let alone vanquishing the formerly obese, I'd be simply marked down as DNF. DNF!
I'd only gone on about quarter of a mile further when who should come trotting up behind but the Sea Otter, with completion of the requisite four laps and a now guaranteed victory in hand.
This was of course, barring some chance fracture or knee dislocation during the hell-for-leather descent back to the town centre.
Anyway the awards were dished out later in the Ben Nevis Inn.
"...And each year we like to present a special prize... this year to..."
Yes, you've guessed it ... basically
A prize for not being fat.
There is loud applause.
13th September. Big Ben Nevis Tri - You What?
I'll have to kill myself if The Walrus beats me.
Then I probably won't have to because I'll have already killed myself in the process.
This is nuts and I hate Mountain Biking as for running up Ben Nevis at the end, honestly who could be arsed.
Not me.
"Why don't you do the half one?" he says.
"What so I can preface everything by saying but The Walrus did the whole thing?"
These extreme events eh?, one weeks training and a pair of Clarks sandals, that should be enough d'you think?"
Then I probably won't have to because I'll have already killed myself in the process.
This is nuts and I hate Mountain Biking as for running up Ben Nevis at the end, honestly who could be arsed.
Not me.
"Why don't you do the half one?" he says.
"What so I can preface everything by saying but The Walrus did the whole thing?"
These extreme events eh?, one weeks training and a pair of Clarks sandals, that should be enough d'you think?"
8th September. Haddington Sprint Triathlon.
I actually pass three people during the cycle, maybe I'll break the 1hr 20 barrier.
I quiz a man in the white van with a lap top where all the various wires end up from the timing apparatus.
"1 hr 22 mins"
Christ! after ten triathlons this year I've maybe gained a whole minute but hold that result - the cycle route was 0.1 of a kilometre shorter.
In other words virtually no change.
I may have reached the ceiling of the no training necessary policy.
I quiz a man in the white van with a lap top where all the various wires end up from the timing apparatus.
"1 hr 22 mins"
Christ! after ten triathlons this year I've maybe gained a whole minute but hold that result - the cycle route was 0.1 of a kilometre shorter.
In other words virtually no change.
I may have reached the ceiling of the no training necessary policy.
1st September. Another Pointless Exercise.
“I could stand here and discuss it with you all day but we’re not taking anymore registrations.”
So the third Llanwrst Triathlon will be memorable for being a virtual triathlon.
I stand as a non-participant watching some of the early morning slower competitors emerging from the pool.
“Christ! Ed, are you still here!” banters one of the Marshalls with a Senior Citizen struggling with his socks in Transition 1. “D’you need a hair dryer Ed?”
Then as he wheels his bike to the starting line:
“Hey Ed?”… “Ed?”
“What?”
“You forgot your sandwiches!”
So the third Llanwrst Triathlon will be memorable for being a virtual triathlon.
I stand as a non-participant watching some of the early morning slower competitors emerging from the pool.
“Christ! Ed, are you still here!” banters one of the Marshalls with a Senior Citizen struggling with his socks in Transition 1. “D’you need a hair dryer Ed?”
Then as he wheels his bike to the starting line:
“Hey Ed?”… “Ed?”
“What?”
“You forgot your sandwiches!”
25th August. Wild Boar BBQ
To be fair, alcohol, bonfires, boiling fat, petrol filled nightlights, pre-schoolers and small boys stripped to the waist running around brandishing firebrands to a background of Iggy Pop raises a few Health and Safety questions.
And let's not forget culpability in a court of law setting.
Ooh errr...
One child hits another on the head with a burning apple, probably soaked in petrol, it's all going a bit William Golding.
The children are thankfully taken away or put to sleep.
I end the evening holding fast to the toilet, coincidentally calling for Piggy and Ralph.
And let's not forget culpability in a court of law setting.
Ooh errr...
One child hits another on the head with a burning apple, probably soaked in petrol, it's all going a bit William Golding.
The children are thankfully taken away or put to sleep.
I end the evening holding fast to the toilet, coincidentally calling for Piggy and Ralph.
20th August. What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger?
Still in the recovery phase from the so called Middle distance Triathlon, if anything I'd say the effect on the knees has been one of strengthening rather than ruination.
Of course I put that down to Dr Oetker's running method which means lightweight shoes with zero shock absorption and no heels.
The same cannot be said of the calf muscles which received the workout of their life.
I hear Slim Boy Fat is seeking medical advice for one of his knees in preparation for that Ben Nevis Nonsense but still adheres to the conventional cushioned sole and refuses to accept the wisdom of Dr Oetker.
By his description it sounds very like one of Mother's knees but he still has approximately 35 years before the NHS can put one patella in the bin and araldite a proper stainless replacement joint in.
Of course I put that down to Dr Oetker's running method which means lightweight shoes with zero shock absorption and no heels.
The same cannot be said of the calf muscles which received the workout of their life.
I hear Slim Boy Fat is seeking medical advice for one of his knees in preparation for that Ben Nevis Nonsense but still adheres to the conventional cushioned sole and refuses to accept the wisdom of Dr Oetker.
By his description it sounds very like one of Mother's knees but he still has approximately 35 years before the NHS can put one patella in the bin and araldite a proper stainless replacement joint in.
17th August, Aberfeldy Middle Distance Triathlon.
The onboard hydration unit, needless to say, failed before it was even connected on account of a non standardisation of plastic bottle threads.
I didn't allow that small set back deter my efforts in the waters of Loch Tay (12 degrees C.) The water was a bit peaty but fairly clear so I decided to hydrate by drinking a fair amount of it during the warm up.
Although a longer course, the swim proved less hellish than the Jellyfish Triathlon (see previous).
The cycling was, frankly, rubbish with competitors who were really hopeless in the loch catching up and passing me in a most demoralising fashion and that was after following the advice of Slim Boy Fat to eat a date every few miles.
My piss stayed clear then I ate a Snickers bar from one of the roadside 'feeding stations' the hills were steep I may have done irrepairable damage to both knees, then after reaching transition 2 after 90 kms the leaders were coming in from the run, incroyable!
The 'run' was only a half marathon.
I don't even want to go there but you could imagine.
All in all what can only be deemed a pathetic performance of something not far short of seven hours.
I didn't allow that small set back deter my efforts in the waters of Loch Tay (12 degrees C.) The water was a bit peaty but fairly clear so I decided to hydrate by drinking a fair amount of it during the warm up.
Although a longer course, the swim proved less hellish than the Jellyfish Triathlon (see previous).
The cycling was, frankly, rubbish with competitors who were really hopeless in the loch catching up and passing me in a most demoralising fashion and that was after following the advice of Slim Boy Fat to eat a date every few miles.
My piss stayed clear then I ate a Snickers bar from one of the roadside 'feeding stations' the hills were steep I may have done irrepairable damage to both knees, then after reaching transition 2 after 90 kms the leaders were coming in from the run, incroyable!
The 'run' was only a half marathon.
I don't even want to go there but you could imagine.
All in all what can only be deemed a pathetic performance of something not far short of seven hours.
14th August. Half Ironman Full Bladder?
I'm afraid it's impossible to complete the Aberfeldy Half Ironman without gagging on 'Gatorade' or some other electrolyte replacement sports drink.
A length of plastic tubing connected to a water bottle on the bike should enable a near constant supply of fluids.
I stopped short of performing an experimental self-catheterisation with another length of the same pipe.
Isabelle pointed out a female competitor relieving herself during an Olympic cycling event whilst in the saddle so to speak, this must be the accepted norm?
A length of plastic tubing connected to a water bottle on the bike should enable a near constant supply of fluids.
I stopped short of performing an experimental self-catheterisation with another length of the same pipe.
Isabelle pointed out a female competitor relieving herself during an Olympic cycling event whilst in the saddle so to speak, this must be the accepted norm?
4th August. Mountaineering in Clark's Sandals.
"I don't care what you do on your own you're not coming up a mountain in those." was OJ the guide's verdict on my wearing of sandals as far as the snowline. "I'm sorry mate."
In fact if you could have fitted crampons to them I'd have continued as far as the Bertol Hut.
By the time we'd actually got round to the climbing of the Dent Blanche, the weeks main objective, OJ had pretty much relented on the sandal innovation but probably as some kind of punishment I ended up carrying the rope as well as my boots.
It was all on account of the motorcycle and knee incident of the previous week but with hindsight it seems pointless to walk all the way in and out in rigid soled boots.
To make a point I ran down the last few thousand feet of the thirteen and a half hour climb from the hut to the top and down.
"You'll miss the tea and cakes..." I say to OJ when he appears at the car half an hour later.
No comment is forthcoming.
In fact if you could have fitted crampons to them I'd have continued as far as the Bertol Hut.
By the time we'd actually got round to the climbing of the Dent Blanche, the weeks main objective, OJ had pretty much relented on the sandal innovation but probably as some kind of punishment I ended up carrying the rope as well as my boots.
It was all on account of the motorcycle and knee incident of the previous week but with hindsight it seems pointless to walk all the way in and out in rigid soled boots.
To make a point I ran down the last few thousand feet of the thirteen and a half hour climb from the hut to the top and down.
"You'll miss the tea and cakes..." I say to OJ when he appears at the car half an hour later.
No comment is forthcoming.
2nd August. I Shat On The Aiguille De La Tsa.
With the words ringing in my ears "There's an easy way up round the back" I set off for this improbable looking pinnacle at 5 am. This had been the pronouncment a couple of years ago from Dave "The Camel" K, the diminutive guide who never needs to drink.
The Bertol hut and been full to bursting but from the distant lights of the head torches all the other occupants were making their way under the starlight across the snowy wastes towards Zermatt.
Once round the corner there was just me, the vastness of the Swiss Alps and the twinkle of snow crystals underfoot like so many pointless camera flashes at a Robbie Williams concert.
As the sun began to rise behind the Dent Blanche I suddenly felt an urge.
The queue at 4.30 am had meant that normal ablutions had proved impossible.
Squatting down with an incredible view across to the Matterhorn turning gold in the dawn I thought this is probably the most memorable poo of my life.
The Bertol hut and been full to bursting but from the distant lights of the head torches all the other occupants were making their way under the starlight across the snowy wastes towards Zermatt.
Once round the corner there was just me, the vastness of the Swiss Alps and the twinkle of snow crystals underfoot like so many pointless camera flashes at a Robbie Williams concert.
As the sun began to rise behind the Dent Blanche I suddenly felt an urge.
The queue at 4.30 am had meant that normal ablutions had proved impossible.
Squatting down with an incredible view across to the Matterhorn turning gold in the dawn I thought this is probably the most memorable poo of my life.
30th July. Armchair/Wheelchair Mountaineering.
Grating one knee on tarmac is hardly the best preparation for Alpine Mountaineering or glacier travel in general.
It really is a Total Arse Up.
However a couple of days walking up to the Bertol Hut and back to acclimatize will provide an excellent indication for the week ahead or even years ahead.
Unless there is wheelchair access?
See link.
http://www.cabanebertol.ch/gallery/hiver-2008/hd/16.jpg
It really is a Total Arse Up.
However a couple of days walking up to the Bertol Hut and back to acclimatize will provide an excellent indication for the week ahead or even years ahead.
Unless there is wheelchair access?
See link.
http://www.cabanebertol.ch/gallery/hiver-2008/hd/16.jpg
27th July. Complete Arse Up.
I knew for certain that I was just going too fast to get round this particular corner under a railway arch on the old A9.
It had somehow slipped my memory that it's sharper than it looks, which was academic and after the fact.
Such a nice day too, bone dry, with a temperature in the mid-twenties, too hot to be wearing anything more than light jeans because "I'm not going to fall off anyway."
So if anything crossed my mind it might have been "this is going to hurt."
It's ironic that not half an hour before I'd been discussing with a prospective client now an ex-climber about the irreversible stretching of knee ligaments etc
Anyway nothing broken according to A&E, apart from the right footrest.
It had somehow slipped my memory that it's sharper than it looks, which was academic and after the fact.
Such a nice day too, bone dry, with a temperature in the mid-twenties, too hot to be wearing anything more than light jeans because "I'm not going to fall off anyway."
So if anything crossed my mind it might have been "this is going to hurt."
It's ironic that not half an hour before I'd been discussing with a prospective client now an ex-climber about the irreversible stretching of knee ligaments etc
Anyway nothing broken according to A&E, apart from the right footrest.
20th July 2008. Loch Ore Vomiting.
Junior came along to zip up my wet suit and tell me how he really wouldn't want to be swimming in Loch Ore on a sunday morning.
The trouble was I couldn't actually find Loch Ore and time was going on for registration I had to stop and ask a battered looking Ex-miner.
To be honest they've made a lovely job of the former coal tip.
And then I'd forgotten to bring my bike helmet. No helmet no race as they say.
However once underway the waters proved to be like a warm bath compared to the jellyfish experience of the previous week.
I'd decided to go all out and so ended up throwing up coming through Lochgelly of all places, too much muesli maybe?
Overall fairly crap about halfway up or down the field depending whether you're a glass half empty or half full kind of guy.
The trouble was I couldn't actually find Loch Ore and time was going on for registration I had to stop and ask a battered looking Ex-miner.
To be honest they've made a lovely job of the former coal tip.
And then I'd forgotten to bring my bike helmet. No helmet no race as they say.
However once underway the waters proved to be like a warm bath compared to the jellyfish experience of the previous week.
I'd decided to go all out and so ended up throwing up coming through Lochgelly of all places, too much muesli maybe?
Overall fairly crap about halfway up or down the field depending whether you're a glass half empty or half full kind of guy.
14th July. Swimming With Jellyfish.
"This is MEN-TAL!" states a member of the Tyne and Wear fire services in a north-east accent as we wade en-masse into the waves of the North Sea avoiding stepping on the masses of dead jellyfish on the beach.
It's a daunting prospect, waves, wind and cold water. The few spectators look cold and they've got several more layers of clothing on.
The worst thing is having to do two circuits. The idea is that you wade back out again through the jellyfish, round a pole stuck in the sand then repeat the whole thing again. Why?
"To check that you're still alive!"
I'm in the second wave, that is, the more naturally old and weak.
After about two minutes of trying to swim into the onshore swell, catching glimpses between the peaks and troughs of the rest of the field getting ahead with one goggle leaking in brine, my weaker self is getting a bit panicky and gaining the upper hand.
"Really two laps of this with a time constraint on the first one? it's all too much, head for the shore IMMEDIATELY, it definitely is mental you can't do it. This is pointless"
It's a daunting prospect, waves, wind and cold water. The few spectators look cold and they've got several more layers of clothing on.
The worst thing is having to do two circuits. The idea is that you wade back out again through the jellyfish, round a pole stuck in the sand then repeat the whole thing again. Why?
"To check that you're still alive!"
I'm in the second wave, that is, the more naturally old and weak.
After about two minutes of trying to swim into the onshore swell, catching glimpses between the peaks and troughs of the rest of the field getting ahead with one goggle leaking in brine, my weaker self is getting a bit panicky and gaining the upper hand.
"Really two laps of this with a time constraint on the first one? it's all too much, head for the shore IMMEDIATELY, it definitely is mental you can't do it. This is pointless"
10th July. "It's a F****ing Miracle!"
" I may need you to take me to hospital..."
says the distant voice of The Bulk from a roadside mobile phone call.
I set off with the trailer to pick up any wreckage of the recently run-in Honda motorcycle.
Rounding a corner I see the new-look slimmer Bulk kneeling before two uniformed Police like in some Latin American execution of street urchins.
However this position is something to do with suspected broken ribs from a ploughing match conducted up the grass verge.
The other vehicle involved was nowhere to be seen since it had passed that way completely on the other side of the road.
The explanation could be a jet lagged Continental convinced they were still on another continent or simply a case of mental abberation.
says the distant voice of The Bulk from a roadside mobile phone call.
I set off with the trailer to pick up any wreckage of the recently run-in Honda motorcycle.
Rounding a corner I see the new-look slimmer Bulk kneeling before two uniformed Police like in some Latin American execution of street urchins.
However this position is something to do with suspected broken ribs from a ploughing match conducted up the grass verge.
The other vehicle involved was nowhere to be seen since it had passed that way completely on the other side of the road.
The explanation could be a jet lagged Continental convinced they were still on another continent or simply a case of mental abberation.
6th July. Chicken Reanimated.
Aileen had clearly not only lost her job but her mind as well, evidenced by the contents of the Bosch Fridge freezer.
When the electricity had been cut off she must have hot-footed it back to her mother's but that was about three months ago.
A variety of meats had liquified in the freezer and a cooked chicken, barely recognisable, had as it were been brought back to life in the fridge.
Luckily it was bin collection day in the High Street so I was able to distribute these and other foodstuffs around peoples wheelie bins.
"Your losing something out of that bag." said an elderly man following me down the pavement.
Sure enough there was a tell-tale line straight to a group of bins like footprints in the snow. Luckily it turned out to be salt or sugar rather than a trail of putrefaction.
When the electricity had been cut off she must have hot-footed it back to her mother's but that was about three months ago.
A variety of meats had liquified in the freezer and a cooked chicken, barely recognisable, had as it were been brought back to life in the fridge.
Luckily it was bin collection day in the High Street so I was able to distribute these and other foodstuffs around peoples wheelie bins.
"Your losing something out of that bag." said an elderly man following me down the pavement.
Sure enough there was a tell-tale line straight to a group of bins like footprints in the snow. Luckily it turned out to be salt or sugar rather than a trail of putrefaction.
2nd July. Springwatch Blasting.
Rolling up the C's drive I was met by a dead body in the grass the victim of a fatal shooting last night, stiff as a board.
"I see there's a fox in the driveway" I said to Mr C. Snr as the kettle spilt over the top of the Aga which fizzed around like Sodium reacting with water, "Was that you?"
"Say again"
"A DEAD FOX IN THE DRIVEWAY" Mr C. snr is a bit hard of hearing probably from years of shooting at things.
" Oh no that was Mike! there's a lot of them about."
Mike's sole purpose seems to be reducing numbers of wildlife in the immediate area.
Personally I'd have welcomed that fox and given it carte blanche to 'legitimately' reduce the numbers of fowl chez nous.
"I see there's a fox in the driveway" I said to Mr C. Snr as the kettle spilt over the top of the Aga which fizzed around like Sodium reacting with water, "Was that you?"
"Say again"
"A DEAD FOX IN THE DRIVEWAY" Mr C. snr is a bit hard of hearing probably from years of shooting at things.
" Oh no that was Mike! there's a lot of them about."
Mike's sole purpose seems to be reducing numbers of wildlife in the immediate area.
Personally I'd have welcomed that fox and given it carte blanche to 'legitimately' reduce the numbers of fowl chez nous.
1st July. Hey Joe?.....Pardon?
The fallout from this years Blues festival was that Isabelle came away with a DVD entitled The Paul Rose Rock & Blues Guitar Tutorial then bought a replacement for the missing top E string of my Stratocaster copy, missing since about 1990.
"It doesn't sound like Paul Rose's guitar is it a Fender?".
"Well he relys on volume as the main effect like Hendrix, the amp's not turned up enough."
This is going to be a difficult phase, not just for the budgies who've never heard the likes but for everyone else as well including the neighbours.
"It doesn't sound like Paul Rose's guitar is it a Fender?".
"Well he relys on volume as the main effect like Hendrix, the amp's not turned up enough."
This is going to be a difficult phase, not just for the budgies who've never heard the likes but for everyone else as well including the neighbours.
23rd June. Chester Triathlon II.
At one point my hand goes into something gooey in the water, the body of one of last years competitors?
No, I have veered off almost at a tangent into the mud of the riverbank, in the choppy grey water.
The weather is unseasonable but in a different way from last year, we seem to be experiencing the equinoxial gales on midsummer"s day.
To add emphasis, by midday a tree has been blown down near the bandstand next to the swim starting point.
A couple of hours earlier and the results might have had a new reason for DNS (Did Not Start).
No, I have veered off almost at a tangent into the mud of the riverbank, in the choppy grey water.
The weather is unseasonable but in a different way from last year, we seem to be experiencing the equinoxial gales on midsummer"s day.
To add emphasis, by midday a tree has been blown down near the bandstand next to the swim starting point.
A couple of hours earlier and the results might have had a new reason for DNS (Did Not Start).
17th June. I Avoid The Eyes of The Dental Assistant And The Dentist.
"It's not going to be as bad as Marathon Man is it?"
"Well if you've coped before you should be ok."
We all seem to suffer memory loss when it comes to pain was my conclusion as I began to question the bravado of teeth drilling without a gum injection.
"Just this back one now."
I look between the two faces at the bright light.
The trick is to relax a bit.
But not too much that you forget not to flinch.
That would be worse than Marathon Man.
AAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYHHHHHHHHHHH!
"Well if you've coped before you should be ok."
We all seem to suffer memory loss when it comes to pain was my conclusion as I began to question the bravado of teeth drilling without a gum injection.
"Just this back one now."
I look between the two faces at the bright light.
The trick is to relax a bit.
But not too much that you forget not to flinch.
That would be worse than Marathon Man.
AAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYHHHHHHHHHHH!
16th June. Cycling - You Are The Weakest Link...
"How much advantage is there in buying a bicycle for £3000" I quizzed a fellow Triathlete who had the look of a seasoned competitor.
"Well there's very little difference between a bike for £3000 and one for £1000 but there's a big difference between a £1000 bike and one for £500."
I am consistently annoyed by the numbers of people who leave me behind during the cycling all of whom have expensive bikes.
I went straight down to the local bike shop keen to part with wads of money.
£74.95 for a pair of those funny handlebars that make you look like Superman and offer reduced wind resistance, a saving of £925.05.
"That bike in the window - the Kuota, has a carbon fibre frame and everything state of the art." says the friendly local bike shop man, "Old Neil Whatsisname bought one for his birthday last week, he was ninety-three."
"!"
"Well there's very little difference between a bike for £3000 and one for £1000 but there's a big difference between a £1000 bike and one for £500."
I am consistently annoyed by the numbers of people who leave me behind during the cycling all of whom have expensive bikes.
I went straight down to the local bike shop keen to part with wads of money.
£74.95 for a pair of those funny handlebars that make you look like Superman and offer reduced wind resistance, a saving of £925.05.
"That bike in the window - the Kuota, has a carbon fibre frame and everything state of the art." says the friendly local bike shop man, "Old Neil Whatsisname bought one for his birthday last week, he was ninety-three."
"!"
15th June. Ayr Open Water Triathlon.
Stopped off at Kilmarnock services for breakie at the Clinically Obese Chef, I had a coffee whilst Isabelle tucked into a bacon omelette with hash browns and baked beans.
She needed to build her strength up for the long walk to the shops in Ayr town centre.
Competitors in rubber suits out numbered the swans which hung around like a group of neds just beyond the mouth of the river Doon.
The water was a balmy 14 degrees C. and things went well enough in the mass thrashing around although visibility was poor.
More so after being booted in the eye by someone in front.
This compressed the goggles like a sink plunger, one eyeball felt like it was being pulled out of it's socket which caused the further reduction in visibilty.
She needed to build her strength up for the long walk to the shops in Ayr town centre.
Competitors in rubber suits out numbered the swans which hung around like a group of neds just beyond the mouth of the river Doon.
The water was a balmy 14 degrees C. and things went well enough in the mass thrashing around although visibility was poor.
More so after being booted in the eye by someone in front.
This compressed the goggles like a sink plunger, one eyeball felt like it was being pulled out of it's socket which caused the further reduction in visibilty.
12th June. Swanning Around.
I felt it was time to force myself not only into a rubber suit but also the River Earn as some element of training for the forthcoming Ayr Open Water Triathlon.
The initial five minutes were about as hellish as I remembered, maybe more so.
Then just as I was getting comfortable, out of nowhere this swan appears.
Course the swan had never come across a man in a rubber suit before in it's own stretch of provincial backwater.
And I'd never really had a pond skaters eye view of a swan either.
Then it starts giving it all that with it's neck and hissing and flapping, taking off and landing.
There could be a nest somewhere but they're agressive like that anyway swans.
By the time my goggles have misted up I'm gettting paranoid about the swan.
Put me right off my stroke.
When I can't see it I'm thinking where the hell's that bloody swan is it about to go for me?
The initial five minutes were about as hellish as I remembered, maybe more so.
Then just as I was getting comfortable, out of nowhere this swan appears.
Course the swan had never come across a man in a rubber suit before in it's own stretch of provincial backwater.
And I'd never really had a pond skaters eye view of a swan either.
Then it starts giving it all that with it's neck and hissing and flapping, taking off and landing.
There could be a nest somewhere but they're agressive like that anyway swans.
By the time my goggles have misted up I'm gettting paranoid about the swan.
Put me right off my stroke.
When I can't see it I'm thinking where the hell's that bloody swan is it about to go for me?
10th June. The Headless Chicken.
"One of those new chickens is dead." I remark.
The new chickens were thriving quite well until one had mysteriously become headless.
The body was there but the head had disappeared completely from the crimescene.
By a process of elimination there could be only one suspect with the strength to decapitate the hapless youngster, no matter how improbable...
Step forward, Mother hen.
The new chickens were thriving quite well until one had mysteriously become headless.
The body was there but the head had disappeared completely from the crimescene.
By a process of elimination there could be only one suspect with the strength to decapitate the hapless youngster, no matter how improbable...
Step forward, Mother hen.
9th June. A Climbing Accident.
"Mountaineering is inherently dangerous." as O.J. had put it.
The same could be said of Motorcycling.
Combining a round trip on two wheels of several hundred miles with a couple of days of rock climbing would serve to only magnify the risks?
Returning home without a scratch I find that, against the odds, Isabelle has been injured whilst climbing.
Climbing into the hammock.
There was a loud crack as one supporting piece of tropical hardwood split and with the principal action of a miniature Trebuchet dealt a firm smack to the side of one knee.
It could have been worse though as Isabelle had chosen to climb without a climbing helmet.
The same could be said of Motorcycling.
Combining a round trip on two wheels of several hundred miles with a couple of days of rock climbing would serve to only magnify the risks?
Returning home without a scratch I find that, against the odds, Isabelle has been injured whilst climbing.
Climbing into the hammock.
There was a loud crack as one supporting piece of tropical hardwood split and with the principal action of a miniature Trebuchet dealt a firm smack to the side of one knee.
It could have been worse though as Isabelle had chosen to climb without a climbing helmet.
6th June. £300 To Be Shouted At.
"FIGHT IT!" shouts O.J. from above out of sight as I twirl around suspended in space, " I KNOW you can do it!"
I think I might have reached the present limit of climbing ability with the appropriately named 'Muscle Crack' graded at E1 5c.
"Have a rest then get back on."
Eventually I haul myself up like a beached whale onto a sloping rock shelf.
"I can't reach that 2nd Friend it's below me"
"WHY IS IT STILL THERE!!!?"
In the beached whale manouvre I didn't seem to have a spare hand to extract the camming device that the rope had gone through for protection.
"If I hold onto that sling I can lean over the side and probably reach it."
Mercifully I manage to yank the offending gold anodised device out of the rock thus saving a considerable amount of shouting.
I think I might have reached the present limit of climbing ability with the appropriately named 'Muscle Crack' graded at E1 5c.
"Have a rest then get back on."
Eventually I haul myself up like a beached whale onto a sloping rock shelf.
"I can't reach that 2nd Friend it's below me"
"WHY IS IT STILL THERE!!!?"
In the beached whale manouvre I didn't seem to have a spare hand to extract the camming device that the rope had gone through for protection.
"If I hold onto that sling I can lean over the side and probably reach it."
Mercifully I manage to yank the offending gold anodised device out of the rock thus saving a considerable amount of shouting.
3rd June. "Is It Safe?"
"Have you been flossing? Probably not? I'll need to book you in for a half hour appointment..."
"Oh gawd!"
The fact is I've kept my teeth longer than any previous member of my family be a very long margin.
Mother had them all whipped out in her twenties due to gum disease, likely from a combination of smoking and obsessional cleaning.
Father was struggling with heavyweight porcelain teeth at the age of twenty-one, after having all the nerves drilled out in some failed pre-war dental experiment.
Lucky they've got those white fillings now though.
Drill on and don't bother with that numbing injection, I hate needles.
"Oh gawd!"
The fact is I've kept my teeth longer than any previous member of my family be a very long margin.
Mother had them all whipped out in her twenties due to gum disease, likely from a combination of smoking and obsessional cleaning.
Father was struggling with heavyweight porcelain teeth at the age of twenty-one, after having all the nerves drilled out in some failed pre-war dental experiment.
Lucky they've got those white fillings now though.
Drill on and don't bother with that numbing injection, I hate needles.
1st June. The Walrus And Lycra.
The Walrus ended up disappointed to some extent, largely I think because Stirling decided to run everything in reverse order, ie Fastest first instead of slowest.
This new policy meant that the fittest were away and gone whilst the less fit (him and me) were still pfaffing around getting changed.
This led to the conclusion that I had misrepresented the sport of Triathlon vis-a-vis the numbers of 'fit' available women in Lycra.
The Novice event which ran last was largely female made up of not so yummy mummies, some of whom must have had difficulty hauling themselves out of the pool.
He showed little sympathy for these brave souls - "I'm worse than a reformed smoker."
This new policy meant that the fittest were away and gone whilst the less fit (him and me) were still pfaffing around getting changed.
This led to the conclusion that I had misrepresented the sport of Triathlon vis-a-vis the numbers of 'fit' available women in Lycra.
The Novice event which ran last was largely female made up of not so yummy mummies, some of whom must have had difficulty hauling themselves out of the pool.
He showed little sympathy for these brave souls - "I'm worse than a reformed smoker."
31st May. I am The Eggman.
Da-da-da dah!
Da-da-da-da dah!
It's The Final Countdown.
I must say while the Walrus has been force feeding baked potatoes for carbohydrate loading, I've eaten quite a few eggs.
Not for any science in sport reasons more because there's a helluva lot of eggs at the moment.
Coo coo kachoo ka coo coo kachoo. ...
Da-da-da-da dah!
It's The Final Countdown.
I must say while the Walrus has been force feeding baked potatoes for carbohydrate loading, I've eaten quite a few eggs.
Not for any science in sport reasons more because there's a helluva lot of eggs at the moment.
Coo coo kachoo ka coo coo kachoo. ...
30th May. Ironman.
My secret weapon arrives for The Sunday Showdown from ebay in a padded envelope, an article that looks remarkably like an edwardian bathing suit, bearing the logo IRONMAN.
This device should pay a handsome dividend of up to a saving of one whole minute in Transition 1 by dint of emergence from the water straight on to one's bike without recourse to additional garmentry.
"What d'you think?" I ask, modelling in front of Isabelle, who is reclined in front of 'The One Show.'
"I can see your bits, it's not meant to point that way surely? You can't go about like that!"
"The cold water will cause a certain amount of shrinkage." I reply.
More Rubberboy than Ironman.
This device should pay a handsome dividend of up to a saving of one whole minute in Transition 1 by dint of emergence from the water straight on to one's bike without recourse to additional garmentry.
"What d'you think?" I ask, modelling in front of Isabelle, who is reclined in front of 'The One Show.'
"I can see your bits, it's not meant to point that way surely? You can't go about like that!"
"The cold water will cause a certain amount of shrinkage." I reply.
More Rubberboy than Ironman.
27th May. Showdown Mental Prep.
"You've no pride" admonishes Isabelle as we drive into the town, referring to the results of my recent attempt at shaving but perhaps implying a more general character trait.
"You look like Hitler with those hairs you've left under your nose."
It could be true.
Coincidentally I could do with taking a leaf out of Hitler's book.
I need all the puffing up I can get for the coming showdown on Sunday, a bit of Egotism could do me no harm.
Sporting performance is all about mental attitude, an exaggerated estimate of my own abilities allied with a soupcon of arrogant assumption of superiority ought to do it.
The Walrus will be defeated and then - we invade Poland!
"You look like Hitler with those hairs you've left under your nose."
It could be true.
Coincidentally I could do with taking a leaf out of Hitler's book.
I need all the puffing up I can get for the coming showdown on Sunday, a bit of Egotism could do me no harm.
Sporting performance is all about mental attitude, an exaggerated estimate of my own abilities allied with a soupcon of arrogant assumption of superiority ought to do it.
The Walrus will be defeated and then - we invade Poland!
26th May. "It's Not Really A Race"
Despite running up mountains with only a bag of fruit to go on as part of a last ditch training programme, the 'Walrus' claims it's "Not really a race."
Well it's an event,. a competition with ankle mounted timing chips, the times measured to the nearest second and the results published on the internet.
Barring some remarkable draw, one has to be faster than the other surely?
There's probably nothing that can be done physically now, all that remains is the mental discipline, the psyching up to Win?
This New Agey "Not really a race" thing is all part of the Walrus's strategy.
Och it's not really a race at all! I'll just take it easy, in fact if I did win I'd have only won because he let me win, so to be polite I'll just let him win after all that effort losing the weight, it's only fair.
Well it's an event,. a competition with ankle mounted timing chips, the times measured to the nearest second and the results published on the internet.
Barring some remarkable draw, one has to be faster than the other surely?
There's probably nothing that can be done physically now, all that remains is the mental discipline, the psyching up to Win?
This New Agey "Not really a race" thing is all part of the Walrus's strategy.
Och it's not really a race at all! I'll just take it easy, in fact if I did win I'd have only won because he let me win, so to be polite I'll just let him win after all that effort losing the weight, it's only fair.
24th May. Shame About The Face.
There's not much in the way of Eye Candy in our tour group not withstanding Isabelle and the rep who Isabelle says "Has really no idea when it comes to foundation -poor girl."
The rep is "Still waiting for Mr Right." apparently.
Logically some long sighted gent who refuses to wear reading glasses out of vanity would answer quite well.
Anyway after another boat trip with strict instructions to be back on the bus no later than a quarter to four, we are all back on the bus.
The rep walks up and down the bus in her patent high heel boots doing a head count but after several attempts concludes that two people are missing.
"It's never happened to me before!" she admits with her perfect diction. "Does anyone know who it is?"
Turns out the face lift woman and her husband are unaccounted for.
The minutes go by with the bus engine continuosly running.
Eventually a phone rings, They are at the local hospital!
Dear oh dear.
"Maybe her face fell off." suggests Isabelle.
The rep is "Still waiting for Mr Right." apparently.
Logically some long sighted gent who refuses to wear reading glasses out of vanity would answer quite well.
Anyway after another boat trip with strict instructions to be back on the bus no later than a quarter to four, we are all back on the bus.
The rep walks up and down the bus in her patent high heel boots doing a head count but after several attempts concludes that two people are missing.
"It's never happened to me before!" she admits with her perfect diction. "Does anyone know who it is?"
Turns out the face lift woman and her husband are unaccounted for.
The minutes go by with the bus engine continuosly running.
Eventually a phone rings, They are at the local hospital!
Dear oh dear.
"Maybe her face fell off." suggests Isabelle.
22nd May. Moto Guzzi.
We take a convoluted trip via boat and train to visit the Moto Guzzi factory.
It seems unlikely that there could be a factory making motorbikes here in such an area of scenic grandeur right at the foot of some fairly impressive mountains and next to Lake Como.
I keep an eye out as the train pulls into the supposed town, what I'm looking for is a large modern factory covering a couple of square miles.
From the platform you can see a red sign emblazoned Moto Guzzi, "That can't be it right in the town centre it's too small."
We walk around a bit and have an argument, "Well, that has to be the factory then."
It seems unlikely that there could be a factory making motorbikes here in such an area of scenic grandeur right at the foot of some fairly impressive mountains and next to Lake Como.
I keep an eye out as the train pulls into the supposed town, what I'm looking for is a large modern factory covering a couple of square miles.
From the platform you can see a red sign emblazoned Moto Guzzi, "That can't be it right in the town centre it's too small."
We walk around a bit and have an argument, "Well, that has to be the factory then."
20th May. The Tolkien Express.
We are marshalled on the platform awaiting Europes highest non rack railway train along with the face lift woman and sundry trolls, smurffs, hobbits, dwarves, and wombles, in fact a broad cross section of the British retired classes.
The Little People chatter excitedly as the train wheels screech steel on steel with every twist of the ever climbing railway line, a monument to Swiss engineering or insanity.
They all seem happy enough snapping away at the increasingly Alpine landscape through the open windows.
Happy enough until the party is disgorged at some considerable elevation onto another platform covered in fresh snow which is now turning slushy.
"OOOH! I don't mind looking at it but not walking on it!" cries an ageing Hobbit woman, probably fearing another hip replacement.
The Little People chatter excitedly as the train wheels screech steel on steel with every twist of the ever climbing railway line, a monument to Swiss engineering or insanity.
They all seem happy enough snapping away at the increasingly Alpine landscape through the open windows.
Happy enough until the party is disgorged at some considerable elevation onto another platform covered in fresh snow which is now turning slushy.
"OOOH! I don't mind looking at it but not walking on it!" cries an ageing Hobbit woman, probably fearing another hip replacement.
18th May. On Ageing.
"That woman coming towards us has definitely had a face lift." says Isabelle of one of the other members of the tour group, this with a mix of disdain and pity, "You can see the scars behind her ears."
A woman can employ any amount of products in the life long battle against skin ageing but it seems that 'going under the knife' signals a note of desperation to other women.
Now the world doesn't really know whether she has the face she deserved or not, perhaps it's worse?
Either way there's no going back now.
A woman can employ any amount of products in the life long battle against skin ageing but it seems that 'going under the knife' signals a note of desperation to other women.
Now the world doesn't really know whether she has the face she deserved or not, perhaps it's worse?
Either way there's no going back now.
17th May. How We Create A Narrative.
"They seem to be all Italians in here, locals," I say as we walk from the pissing rain into the first small restaurant down from the hotel.
The fact is the human brain is nothing more than an explanation machine and creating explanations, jumping to conclusions, is the default setting.
After half an hour with a ham and mushroom pizza it transpires that the "Italians" turn out to be a large family group of Spanish staying at the Grand Hotel down the road, an Australian couple, and the rest are English, in fact the only Italians are behind the bar.
You just can't stop it can you? "making sense" of everything, sense which in reality is nearly always nonsense.
The fact is the human brain is nothing more than an explanation machine and creating explanations, jumping to conclusions, is the default setting.
After half an hour with a ham and mushroom pizza it transpires that the "Italians" turn out to be a large family group of Spanish staying at the Grand Hotel down the road, an Australian couple, and the rest are English, in fact the only Italians are behind the bar.
You just can't stop it can you? "making sense" of everything, sense which in reality is nearly always nonsense.
16th May. Showdown Latest
The Walrus gave me a few pointers on swimming that he'd gleaned from some 'professional' coach at Gleneagles, otherwise it's all going to be a one horse race.
The fact is I suffer from Natural Weakness which manifests after 5 lengths in a small pool at what is deemed the right sort of pace.
However tomorrow Isabelle has pre-arranged a week in Italy for her 40th, where coincidentally the hotel is rumoured to have a pool.
"Try to get an hour in every day" says the 'W'.
To be honest it won't be easy fitting it in with all the eating I'll have to be be doing,
Still I should be alright for carbohydrate loading/bloating given the main constituents of the Italian diet.
The fact is I suffer from Natural Weakness which manifests after 5 lengths in a small pool at what is deemed the right sort of pace.
However tomorrow Isabelle has pre-arranged a week in Italy for her 40th, where coincidentally the hotel is rumoured to have a pool.
"Try to get an hour in every day" says the 'W'.
To be honest it won't be easy fitting it in with all the eating I'll have to be be doing,
Still I should be alright for carbohydrate loading/bloating given the main constituents of the Italian diet.
14th May. Born To Be Tired.
"I don't understand it, it must be a mental thing, there's nothing wrong with your quads" queries the Walrus waiting at the side of the road, as I gratefully freewheel to a halt feeling more or less knackered.
This cycle pacing idea worked for about 10 kilometres, then a slight headwind and I soon lost sight of the walrus's back wheel altogether.
I'm reminded of a particular admonishment about my Fluid Mechanics course work during the college years from Mr Fiddler - "Your usual minimum effort."
Another one from J.B. Main - "Some of you lads just seem to have come in here to get out of the rain!"
Somehow I need to metaphorically work out what's going to be in the 'exam' this year then write some Dynamics formulas on jam pot labels and stick them on the back of my Commodore calculator.
This cycle pacing idea worked for about 10 kilometres, then a slight headwind and I soon lost sight of the walrus's back wheel altogether.
I'm reminded of a particular admonishment about my Fluid Mechanics course work during the college years from Mr Fiddler - "Your usual minimum effort."
Another one from J.B. Main - "Some of you lads just seem to have come in here to get out of the rain!"
Somehow I need to metaphorically work out what's going to be in the 'exam' this year then write some Dynamics formulas on jam pot labels and stick them on the back of my Commodore calculator.
12th May. Another Case of Bad Planning.
With David's words "I wouldn't ride any faster than walking pace if I was you" still ringing in one ear I set off from the Loch Aorta Hotel.
It was only about seventy miles to one of the two bike shops in the West Highlands, Charlie would be following at a discreet distance to clear up any resultant mess if or when the back tyre exploded.
It must have been the additional weight of Isabelle and her face creams combined with the raw power of the vee-twin that had worn the until this morning still legal rear tyre through to the canvas in a single afternoon.
In the other ear the words "We shut at twelve on a Saturday" seemed to be in clear opposition.
The destination drew closer, the tyre wore thinner, the deadline fell nearer, the speed crept up, the nerves became more racked...
Then the "Welcome to Oban" sign came into view.
"It'll be a hundred and fifty pounds fitted."
Forget it, I think I'm going to shop around a bit.
It was only about seventy miles to one of the two bike shops in the West Highlands, Charlie would be following at a discreet distance to clear up any resultant mess if or when the back tyre exploded.
It must have been the additional weight of Isabelle and her face creams combined with the raw power of the vee-twin that had worn the until this morning still legal rear tyre through to the canvas in a single afternoon.
In the other ear the words "We shut at twelve on a Saturday" seemed to be in clear opposition.
The destination drew closer, the tyre wore thinner, the deadline fell nearer, the speed crept up, the nerves became more racked...
Then the "Welcome to Oban" sign came into view.
"It'll be a hundred and fifty pounds fitted."
Forget it, I think I'm going to shop around a bit.
8th May. F.E.M.C.C. Mystery Tour.
A total of 7, 8 or 9 are signed up for tomorrows departure on this mystery two centre holiday, including Isabelle, a change in the lads weekend format.
This change is unlikely to pass unnoticed unless there has been severe macular degeneration since last year.
Isabelle normally wears contacts and is therefore eligible.
Due to a limited carrying capacity, I imagine the biggest headache will be rationalising day and night skin care products down to a manageable rucksack size.
This change is unlikely to pass unnoticed unless there has been severe macular degeneration since last year.
Isabelle normally wears contacts and is therefore eligible.
Due to a limited carrying capacity, I imagine the biggest headache will be rationalising day and night skin care products down to a manageable rucksack size.
4th May. Glasgow Triathlon.
A disappointing 1hr 29mins after being successfully nobbled by the Walrus on the pretext of a shared swimming and running training exercise yesterday.
It's widely held that the day prior to an event should be one of rest.
Och! but the cycling - just rubbish, after passing everyone in my swimming lane the effort was wasted on the never ending 4 lap bike course.
The 'Showdown' result is going to be bike dependent which comes down to just how massively overdeveloped ones quadriceps are.
Underdeveloped in my case,
The legs of the Walrus have had years of supporting the equivalent of twice my body mass.
I have some arduous weight training ahead.
It's widely held that the day prior to an event should be one of rest.
Och! but the cycling - just rubbish, after passing everyone in my swimming lane the effort was wasted on the never ending 4 lap bike course.
The 'Showdown' result is going to be bike dependent which comes down to just how massively overdeveloped ones quadriceps are.
Underdeveloped in my case,
The legs of the Walrus have had years of supporting the equivalent of twice my body mass.
I have some arduous weight training ahead.
2nd May. MOT.
The Lord Provost will be there along with the local press, a photographer from The Courier, family and friends, I don't know if my brother will make it up but his thoughts will be with me I'm sure.
The presentation may be televised on Reporting Scotland, naturally they'll want to interview the garage proprietor. Jonathan or David Dimbleby may want a few words, then the inevitable round of daytime chat shows will follow, Richard & Judy, The One show...
The whole drama may be given the Hollywood treatment, once the screen play has been written, it'll be called THE TEST, a typical homily of one mans triumph over adversity, inner sill corrosion siezed handbrake and a front disc imbalance, either Tom Hanks or Morgan Freeman.
The presentation may be televised on Reporting Scotland, naturally they'll want to interview the garage proprietor. Jonathan or David Dimbleby may want a few words, then the inevitable round of daytime chat shows will follow, Richard & Judy, The One show...
The whole drama may be given the Hollywood treatment, once the screen play has been written, it'll be called THE TEST, a typical homily of one mans triumph over adversity, inner sill corrosion siezed handbrake and a front disc imbalance, either Tom Hanks or Morgan Freeman.
1st May. The Walrus Is Looking Dangerous.
Way back then it all seemed a bit of a joke, half man half Fruit Allsorts, nothing more strenuous than searching for the DVD remote and a life threatening BMI.
I didn't even need to train as it wouldn't really be a race because he'd have to stop for a high calorie snack during transition 2 before walking round the running section, that's if he'd got out bed in time for the registration.
Now the Walrus is breathing down my neck, no longer the underdog, the daily trips to the gym are paying dividends and he doesn't even need to eat, fuelled by an aggregate of spicy chicken wings and 'All You Can Eat' Buffets.
My results from this sunday will be scrutinised for obvious weakness, which is, everything.
I didn't even need to train as it wouldn't really be a race because he'd have to stop for a high calorie snack during transition 2 before walking round the running section, that's if he'd got out bed in time for the registration.
Now the Walrus is breathing down my neck, no longer the underdog, the daily trips to the gym are paying dividends and he doesn't even need to eat, fuelled by an aggregate of spicy chicken wings and 'All You Can Eat' Buffets.
My results from this sunday will be scrutinised for obvious weakness, which is, everything.
29th April. Biological Age.
A questionaire in one of Isabelle's magazines purports to calculate one's biological age.
Non smoker? deduct X years, exercise regularly? take away Y years, sleep more than 8 hours a night add Z years, etc etc.
Isabelle's age came out at something around 92, which is an exaggeration of course but not that much.
"You look like a clown without the make-up." Is the going opinion about my visage.
You get the face you deserve at 40.
At 50 you get the face you didn't really deserve at all?
Non smoker? deduct X years, exercise regularly? take away Y years, sleep more than 8 hours a night add Z years, etc etc.
Isabelle's age came out at something around 92, which is an exaggeration of course but not that much.
"You look like a clown without the make-up." Is the going opinion about my visage.
You get the face you deserve at 40.
At 50 you get the face you didn't really deserve at all?
28th April. Stirling Triathlon Countdown.
I see The Walrus is bragging about how easy the 5k run is becoming with a time of 27mins something.
I decide to punish myself with 10k so it'll make 5k seem more like the sprint it's supposed to be.
48 mins.
The Walrus ploughs through the waves with a swim time estimate about 3 mins less than mine which evens out the current running positions.
But then I'm so crap at the cycling.
Mind you the Walrus hasn't actually seen a Triathlon whereas I'm due for the fifth one this year on Sunday.
"You've been fit all your life."
"Yes but I'd already started at college before you'd started feeding at the breast."
I decide to punish myself with 10k so it'll make 5k seem more like the sprint it's supposed to be.
48 mins.
The Walrus ploughs through the waves with a swim time estimate about 3 mins less than mine which evens out the current running positions.
But then I'm so crap at the cycling.
Mind you the Walrus hasn't actually seen a Triathlon whereas I'm due for the fifth one this year on Sunday.
"You've been fit all your life."
"Yes but I'd already started at college before you'd started feeding at the breast."
24th April. Penguin V. Walrus.
'Phase 2' at the Bone Crunchers and 'things have recovered nicely'.
I said it was definitely easier trying to breathe to the right hand side when I was at the Leisure Pool.
He gives me another going over followed by the inevitable "CRUNCH" and "CRUNCH" again
Ignoring the wilder Chiropractic claims, I find I can now whirl my left arm around the same as the right, which is a distinct improvement.
Swallowing water should be much reduced and the stroke evened out, I should be able to power through the water like a flipping penguin.
After all that the 'Bulk' claims he only breathes to one side and even then only every fourth stroke, far too leisurely for my liking, probably like a Walrus.
Isabelle tells me my shoulders are too narrow, one of several handicaps.
Women prefer men with broad shoulders unless they've got a huge beer gut.
I said it was definitely easier trying to breathe to the right hand side when I was at the Leisure Pool.
He gives me another going over followed by the inevitable "CRUNCH" and "CRUNCH" again
Ignoring the wilder Chiropractic claims, I find I can now whirl my left arm around the same as the right, which is a distinct improvement.
Swallowing water should be much reduced and the stroke evened out, I should be able to power through the water like a flipping penguin.
After all that the 'Bulk' claims he only breathes to one side and even then only every fourth stroke, far too leisurely for my liking, probably like a Walrus.
Isabelle tells me my shoulders are too narrow, one of several handicaps.
Women prefer men with broad shoulders unless they've got a huge beer gut.
23rd April. 'Sustainability'
Despite the lack of a steering wheel I felt the need to lie down on the K's newly sanded living room floor this afternoon, as if to sleep.
Unprofessional admittedly but last nights disturbances combined with an evenings extensive one arm front crawl in the leisure pool seemed to have taken it's toll...
The K's outlook is all about 'Sustainability' - wood pellet central heating, recycling, composting, ethical banking, green consumerism et al.
Of course four and a half hours sleep combined with a physical job is about as sustainable as our current rates of growth, consumption, depletion, degredation etc
Unprofessional admittedly but last nights disturbances combined with an evenings extensive one arm front crawl in the leisure pool seemed to have taken it's toll...
The K's outlook is all about 'Sustainability' - wood pellet central heating, recycling, composting, ethical banking, green consumerism et al.
Of course four and a half hours sleep combined with a physical job is about as sustainable as our current rates of growth, consumption, depletion, degredation etc
21st April. Tiredness Can Kill.
I awake to the sound of the horn from a white Mercedes Van in the process of overtaking me, I'm drifting across into the fast lane of the M 90.
How embarassing.
If these things required explanation, for instance at some kind of inquest, background reports might have revealed, budgies falling off perches in the early hours, or a disabled cat shuffling around in the bedroom and then there's the cockerel reveillez.
In fact I should be in bed now and you shouldn't drink tea at this time of night either.
I don't feel tired now, only when I've got both hands on a steering wheel.
How embarassing.
If these things required explanation, for instance at some kind of inquest, background reports might have revealed, budgies falling off perches in the early hours, or a disabled cat shuffling around in the bedroom and then there's the cockerel reveillez.
In fact I should be in bed now and you shouldn't drink tea at this time of night either.
I don't feel tired now, only when I've got both hands on a steering wheel.
19th April. Cornice On Beinn Iutharn Mor.
"Good training! The snow's absolutely perfect! but you need to kick your feet well in..." I remark climbing over the edge.
The words 'you need to kick your felt well in' never reached their intended recipient as I, without warning, accelerated out of earshot down the now vertical slope.
One minute I was in complete control, the next completely out of control laughing like a looney, Stuart watched from above the cornice, no doubt feeling vindicated about his remarks about a vertical slope.
In an attempt at deceleration I applied braking force with my toes, something which is a big 'no no' with crampons on as this causes an immediate cartwheeling effect.
Despite not wearing crampons I now performed a perfect somersault and continued the descent head first.
The words 'you need to kick your felt well in' never reached their intended recipient as I, without warning, accelerated out of earshot down the now vertical slope.
One minute I was in complete control, the next completely out of control laughing like a looney, Stuart watched from above the cornice, no doubt feeling vindicated about his remarks about a vertical slope.
In an attempt at deceleration I applied braking force with my toes, something which is a big 'no no' with crampons on as this causes an immediate cartwheeling effect.
Despite not wearing crampons I now performed a perfect somersault and continued the descent head first.
17th April. Tuning For Speed.
"Good illustration" remarks the bone cruncher, after I'm through trying to demonstrate front crawl in the chiropractic consulting room
The fact is I'm not exactly an olympic contender but in an effort to bring the swim time down to something equal or better than the 'I. Bulk', all avenues have to be explored.
After a preamble I'm placed in a half nelson and my claim "that there isn't any pain or anything in the left shoulder was clearly an empty boast'.
"Arrrghhiyyeee!"
"I'll need you to come back for Phase 2 in a week."
The fact is I'm not exactly an olympic contender but in an effort to bring the swim time down to something equal or better than the 'I. Bulk', all avenues have to be explored.
After a preamble I'm placed in a half nelson and my claim "that there isn't any pain or anything in the left shoulder was clearly an empty boast'.
"Arrrghhiyyeee!"
"I'll need you to come back for Phase 2 in a week."
14th April. The Daily Arse V. Dripping Fat.
I have to keep the Incredible Bulk up to speed with my latest Triathlon results as a fixation has developed.
Normally these events involve racing against the faceless, apart from a handful recognised from previous races but there are no names to go with them.
The upcoming showdown in Stirling on the 1st June may prove to be more personal.
The Bulkster has been aiming for a time of 1hr 25mins, the latest results from East Fife show a personal best of 1hr 26mins for The Editor.
To be fair The Bulk hadn't actually tried running at all until the recent dramatic weight loss, due to the possible wear and tear on various joints.
Now it's changed days and with a revised estimated swim time of 13mins 50secs where bulk equals bouyancy the world must wait.
Normally these events involve racing against the faceless, apart from a handful recognised from previous races but there are no names to go with them.
The upcoming showdown in Stirling on the 1st June may prove to be more personal.
The Bulkster has been aiming for a time of 1hr 25mins, the latest results from East Fife show a personal best of 1hr 26mins for The Editor.
To be fair The Bulk hadn't actually tried running at all until the recent dramatic weight loss, due to the possible wear and tear on various joints.
Now it's changed days and with a revised estimated swim time of 13mins 50secs where bulk equals bouyancy the world must wait.
11th April. How Safe Is Your Chimney? II
I'd not long started wrestling with a length of 8 inch class one liner when another woman arrived in matching pink velour with an unusual breed of dog, breathless after the short walk from next door.
"We'd like a liner in our chimney" she gasped, "and we want to fit a stove in another room and we want a liner for that as well... after what happened over the road..."
The sight of the blazing farmhouse had left a distinct impression on everybody that lived in sight of the flames.
Mrs Pink Velour with the designer Setter would be the fourth woman in this small segment of Perthshire.
Once they see Mrs So & So having her chimney done paranoia is simply racked up to the point were they're scared to light the fire...
"George?"
"Yes dear?"
"George, I've lost all confidence in our chimney d'you think we should get it lined?
"God no! that'll cost a fortune, the chimney's fine as it is."
"Well Rena's had hers done."
"We'd like a liner in our chimney" she gasped, "and we want to fit a stove in another room and we want a liner for that as well... after what happened over the road..."
The sight of the blazing farmhouse had left a distinct impression on everybody that lived in sight of the flames.
Mrs Pink Velour with the designer Setter would be the fourth woman in this small segment of Perthshire.
Once they see Mrs So & So having her chimney done paranoia is simply racked up to the point were they're scared to light the fire...
"George?"
"Yes dear?"
"George, I've lost all confidence in our chimney d'you think we should get it lined?
"God no! that'll cost a fortune, the chimney's fine as it is."
"Well Rena's had hers done."
10th April. How Safe Is Your Chimney?
Miss R's anxiety concerning chimney lining wasn't difficult to fathom.
On opening the front door for the last two years the view encompasses mainly the house directly over the road.
The charred roof timbers of which lean haphazardly against one another rather like tepee poles without the outer skin.
I think it was Miss R. herself who phoned the neighbours, who were watching the telly at the time, to ask - 'Do you know your house is on fire?'
So that winter's night they stood and watched the house burn down.
Miss R. got to thinking especially when there was some cock up with the neighbours insurance company - (Chimney should have been lined blah blah...)
"That was another big fire when the church burnt down too, was it the local builder or something?"
"A-ha, and funnily enough it happened on Ash Wednesday.'
On opening the front door for the last two years the view encompasses mainly the house directly over the road.
The charred roof timbers of which lean haphazardly against one another rather like tepee poles without the outer skin.
I think it was Miss R. herself who phoned the neighbours, who were watching the telly at the time, to ask - 'Do you know your house is on fire?'
So that winter's night they stood and watched the house burn down.
Miss R. got to thinking especially when there was some cock up with the neighbours insurance company - (Chimney should have been lined blah blah...)
"That was another big fire when the church burnt down too, was it the local builder or something?"
"A-ha, and funnily enough it happened on Ash Wednesday.'
9th April Tibet My Arse.
"It's quite topical actually" says Mr B handing me another free coffee, "We were in Lhasa about ten years ago."
"Really, did you see the Potala then?"
"Yes, yes." said Mr B, without any further elaboration either about Tibetans or Chinese officialdom, it was the effects of the altitude that seemed to have stuck.
'We took off in China and the plane just kept going up and up and up when we got off the plane they gave us all our own personal oxygen mask."
"Yeah?"
"Course I was still a smoker then I felt terrible splitting head aches nausea by the time I'd aclimatised it was just about time to leave."
I see the Chinese authorities won't allow you to read this in China unless you can use an Anonymous Proxy, because of the word Arse, now probably Tibet as well. Google my arse.
"Really, did you see the Potala then?"
"Yes, yes." said Mr B, without any further elaboration either about Tibetans or Chinese officialdom, it was the effects of the altitude that seemed to have stuck.
'We took off in China and the plane just kept going up and up and up when we got off the plane they gave us all our own personal oxygen mask."
"Yeah?"
"Course I was still a smoker then I felt terrible splitting head aches nausea by the time I'd aclimatised it was just about time to leave."
I see the Chinese authorities won't allow you to read this in China unless you can use an Anonymous Proxy, because of the word Arse, now probably Tibet as well. Google my arse.
8th April. Stevie The Wonder Chicken.
"Is that all the room it's got in there?" says Stuart motioning to the brain damaged cockerel's enclosure.
"Yes but he's quite happy in there on account of the brain damage and he's made a remarkable recovery look how red his comb is now "
Anyway Isabelle let the creature out the other day and it still has the wit to puff it's chest out at the other chickens.
As soon as there's a confrontation though he starts giving it all that with his neck and in the process topples over backwards.
The net result leaving himself vulnerable to be as it were kicked when he's down or rather pecked with a further loss of neurons.
Isabelle says the head movement he makes is very like when Stevie Wonder is singing.
"Yes but he's quite happy in there on account of the brain damage and he's made a remarkable recovery look how red his comb is now "
Anyway Isabelle let the creature out the other day and it still has the wit to puff it's chest out at the other chickens.
As soon as there's a confrontation though he starts giving it all that with his neck and in the process topples over backwards.
The net result leaving himself vulnerable to be as it were kicked when he's down or rather pecked with a further loss of neurons.
Isabelle says the head movement he makes is very like when Stevie Wonder is singing.
4th April. Tony Blair Latest.
Tony's fear of being branded "a nutter" whilst in office if he talked about God were probably well grounded but now, from the sidelines, he must feel it's ok to be branded a nutter.
Tony's assertion that "people of faith" have more in common than they realise is an excellent idea.
The specifics of Faith, the details, the small print, doesn't matter too much. For instance within Anglicanism, which is mainly a Christmas Bring and Buy Sale, more tea Vicar? type of religion there's considerable lack of certainty about whether God approves of selling raffle tickets for say a knitted Toad of Toad Hall. Mmmm... is that strictly gambling?
Really Belief boils down to whether prayer works or not, five times a day or just on a Sunday, or maybe the first Sunday in the month when you feel you should put in an appearance at Communion.
Yes but no but what Belief REALLY boils down to is whether you believe that prayer works. ( Here we are talking of influencing external events not just jollying oneself up a bit by getting right with God, The Universe or whatever).
So conveniently and also re: being branded "a nutter" if there is no evidence at all that prayer actually works imagine how strong one's Faith necessarily becomes.
Tony's assertion that "people of faith" have more in common than they realise is an excellent idea.
The specifics of Faith, the details, the small print, doesn't matter too much. For instance within Anglicanism, which is mainly a Christmas Bring and Buy Sale, more tea Vicar? type of religion there's considerable lack of certainty about whether God approves of selling raffle tickets for say a knitted Toad of Toad Hall. Mmmm... is that strictly gambling?
Really Belief boils down to whether prayer works or not, five times a day or just on a Sunday, or maybe the first Sunday in the month when you feel you should put in an appearance at Communion.
Yes but no but what Belief REALLY boils down to is whether you believe that prayer works. ( Here we are talking of influencing external events not just jollying oneself up a bit by getting right with God, The Universe or whatever).
So conveniently and also re: being branded "a nutter" if there is no evidence at all that prayer actually works imagine how strong one's Faith necessarily becomes.
30th March. Isle Of Bute Triathlon.
On the way up to the swimming pool from the ferry Isabelle ducked into a paper shop to buy a sandwich which she then proceeded to feed to a crow that looked like it was on a bit of a losing streak.
Much to Isabelle's disappointment the paper shop proved to be one of the few shops that were open this particular Sunday.
The waters of the swimming pool were a bit choppy on account of the numbers of arms thrashing around. Although for the last two lengths calm had returned, that was because most people had already got out.
Mind you I was in Wave 2 - mediocre, Wave 1 is rubbish and Wave 3. Fast.
I never thought I'd be this annoyed about being slower than other people. So this guy comes past on the cycling bit, I'm behind him in the running.
Running three laps of the local park gives an idea of how far away the end is.
I force myself to overtake the annoying guy in front.
I can only imagine it must feel quite good coming 1st instead of 31st.
Much to Isabelle's disappointment the paper shop proved to be one of the few shops that were open this particular Sunday.
The waters of the swimming pool were a bit choppy on account of the numbers of arms thrashing around. Although for the last two lengths calm had returned, that was because most people had already got out.
Mind you I was in Wave 2 - mediocre, Wave 1 is rubbish and Wave 3. Fast.
I never thought I'd be this annoyed about being slower than other people. So this guy comes past on the cycling bit, I'm behind him in the running.
Running three laps of the local park gives an idea of how far away the end is.
I force myself to overtake the annoying guy in front.
I can only imagine it must feel quite good coming 1st instead of 31st.
27th March. There's Probably a Mathematical Model for This.
By 9am Junior is refusing to eat a second breakfast of tinned salmon at 3000 ft.
We have been traipsing through a Tolkienesque landscape of rock, snow and mist and have seen only wild goats.
This was all part of my theory of course about climbing Snowdon even mid-week. Getting up at 5 am in order to avoid the crowds.
Below the summit we are surprised by two other people coming past, then a retired type coming down clad in crampons, ice axe etc.
We acknowledge each others presence even exchange comments about the weather, glad to see another human being.
The summit is arctic but there are more people now who have come up the 'easy' way still each individual says "hello."
Descending, the cloud begins to clear revealing what looks more like a beginners ski slope judging by the masses of fellow walkers toiling up the snow, old people. Families, labradors and even groups of 'young people' having a 'larf', uttering expletives.
At some point acknowledging others abruptly stops and turns to conscious ignoring, then slides further to callous disregard.
We have been traipsing through a Tolkienesque landscape of rock, snow and mist and have seen only wild goats.
This was all part of my theory of course about climbing Snowdon even mid-week. Getting up at 5 am in order to avoid the crowds.
Below the summit we are surprised by two other people coming past, then a retired type coming down clad in crampons, ice axe etc.
We acknowledge each others presence even exchange comments about the weather, glad to see another human being.
The summit is arctic but there are more people now who have come up the 'easy' way still each individual says "hello."
Descending, the cloud begins to clear revealing what looks more like a beginners ski slope judging by the masses of fellow walkers toiling up the snow, old people. Families, labradors and even groups of 'young people' having a 'larf', uttering expletives.
At some point acknowledging others abruptly stops and turns to conscious ignoring, then slides further to callous disregard.
26th March. Anxiety Plus.
"Are we on our way back now?" asks Mother shortly after being installed in the passenger seat.
"No, we're going to LLandudno" I respond.
"What?"
"I SAID WE'RE GOING TO LLANDUDNO, ARE YOU SWITCHED ON?
""What?"
"HAVE YOU GOT YOUR HEARING AID IN?"
"No... We don't want to be late back do we? It'll be getting dark soon."
A cloud moves across the sun.
"It's getting dark now."
And then on the final approach to the seaside town:
"I think I've only been to the toilet once today."
I try to ignore this, pretend as it were, but in the end this is something that cannot be ignored neither is the fact that we don't have the wheelchair with us.
Junior has the bright idea of going to Asda because they have those Care trolleys.
Actually a specific conveyance exists but with wire baskets fore and aft which greatly limits manouverability especially inside the lavatory.
Eventually supermarkets driven by market forces will introduce the Trolley/Commode.
"I don't think I'll come out again" moans Mother "I've had a Number Two."
Oh God.
We have, what I feel, is a a well deserved cup of tea in the instore cafe, blocking most of the entrance on account of the trolley's design.
"Come on we don't want to waste any more time because the traffic could be really bad, sometimes they have dinner earlier than five o'clock.It'll be getting dark soon"
"No, we're going to LLandudno" I respond.
"What?"
"I SAID WE'RE GOING TO LLANDUDNO, ARE YOU SWITCHED ON?
""What?"
"HAVE YOU GOT YOUR HEARING AID IN?"
"No... We don't want to be late back do we? It'll be getting dark soon."
A cloud moves across the sun.
"It's getting dark now."
And then on the final approach to the seaside town:
"I think I've only been to the toilet once today."
I try to ignore this, pretend as it were, but in the end this is something that cannot be ignored neither is the fact that we don't have the wheelchair with us.
Junior has the bright idea of going to Asda because they have those Care trolleys.
Actually a specific conveyance exists but with wire baskets fore and aft which greatly limits manouverability especially inside the lavatory.
Eventually supermarkets driven by market forces will introduce the Trolley/Commode.
"I don't think I'll come out again" moans Mother "I've had a Number Two."
Oh God.
We have, what I feel, is a a well deserved cup of tea in the instore cafe, blocking most of the entrance on account of the trolley's design.
"Come on we don't want to waste any more time because the traffic could be really bad, sometimes they have dinner earlier than five o'clock.It'll be getting dark soon"
22nd March. 2008 Edinburgh University Sprint Triathlon.
Isabelle doesn't care much for swimming, cycling or running, so combining all three into one sport and then making it a race appeals about as much as saturday shopping for parfumeries does to me
However she was anxious to accompany me and lend support, even at such an early hour, to todays event.
I dropped her off somewhere at the bottom of Leith Walk so she could make her way by bus to spend all morning in Jenner's followed by a two course lunch at Harvey Nichol's.
An amazing display of endurance..
However she was anxious to accompany me and lend support, even at such an early hour, to todays event.
I dropped her off somewhere at the bottom of Leith Walk so she could make her way by bus to spend all morning in Jenner's followed by a two course lunch at Harvey Nichol's.
An amazing display of endurance..
21st March. How Young People Celebrate Easter.
There I was proceeding west along Glenearn Rd when I saw a couple of young men in baseball caps loitering in the dark by the swings..
Mmmm... perhaps loitering with intent I thought.
At that precise moment the passenger side window received a direct hit from some missile or other with a resounding crack.
On arrival at the Leisure Pool car park an inspection revealed a plastering of albumen, shell and yolk.
Mmmm... perhaps loitering with intent I thought.
At that precise moment the passenger side window received a direct hit from some missile or other with a resounding crack.
On arrival at the Leisure Pool car park an inspection revealed a plastering of albumen, shell and yolk.
19th March. Steaming.
I kept wondering what the noise coming from the kitchen was.
Something like a pressure cooker permanently blowing it's valve, then a short period of silence then Whoooshh! off again.
Maybe Mrs Y. was trying to make marmalade or boil lentils but the valve was jammed up resulting in the geyser-like escape of steam.
Well I kept going in and out, in my slippers or just socks I might add, because the Y's have a bit thing about dust etc...
Beige carpeting of course upstairs and cream coloured floor tiles downstairs connecting by a beech staircase which was sort of beige as well.
In fact if it isn't beige it's either glass or stainless steel.
Anyway I'm descending the stairs again when suddenly the source of the escaping steam was revealed.
I meet Mrs Y. on her hands and knees with a steam cleaner running over each individual line of grout between the floor tiles.
I can see that grout's going to be a real headache showing the dirt, almost as much as the beige carpet.
Something like a pressure cooker permanently blowing it's valve, then a short period of silence then Whoooshh! off again.
Maybe Mrs Y. was trying to make marmalade or boil lentils but the valve was jammed up resulting in the geyser-like escape of steam.
Well I kept going in and out, in my slippers or just socks I might add, because the Y's have a bit thing about dust etc...
Beige carpeting of course upstairs and cream coloured floor tiles downstairs connecting by a beech staircase which was sort of beige as well.
In fact if it isn't beige it's either glass or stainless steel.
Anyway I'm descending the stairs again when suddenly the source of the escaping steam was revealed.
I meet Mrs Y. on her hands and knees with a steam cleaner running over each individual line of grout between the floor tiles.
I can see that grout's going to be a real headache showing the dirt, almost as much as the beige carpet.
18th March. Chimney Deja-Vu.
"We're looking at fitting a multifuel stove in this room" says the blonde haired woman that looks like she's reached that age when women start ironing their hair, "Something about 8 watts".
Yeah well 8 watts? you'd be as well putting an energy efficient bulb in the fireplace and huddling around that.
"You were recommended to us by our friends in Bellwood Park"
"Errr... is that the woman that teaches baby massage?"
"No... but she lives next door and recommended you to our friends"
"Oh right"
"I get the feeling I've already been in this house before and done something to a chimney, do you mind if I have a look round?"
The kitchen is an expanse of marble tiles and looks like every other new kitchen.
"I'm not sure, the kitchen was all completely retro 1950's even the fridge was authentic."
"Yes! That's right! it was like that when we moved in, of course we've had it all completely redone.
It's a classic case of one woman's idea of what looks good being completely destroyed to make way for another woman's idea of what looks good.
It's all comng back now, I'd been recommended to the previous woman by yet another woman from the street below.
And the greatest irony of it all is: I'd be quoting the current woman to pull apart the fireplace and fit a liner in the exact same chimney that the previous woman had paid me to fix.
Yeah well 8 watts? you'd be as well putting an energy efficient bulb in the fireplace and huddling around that.
"You were recommended to us by our friends in Bellwood Park"
"Errr... is that the woman that teaches baby massage?"
"No... but she lives next door and recommended you to our friends"
"Oh right"
"I get the feeling I've already been in this house before and done something to a chimney, do you mind if I have a look round?"
The kitchen is an expanse of marble tiles and looks like every other new kitchen.
"I'm not sure, the kitchen was all completely retro 1950's even the fridge was authentic."
"Yes! That's right! it was like that when we moved in, of course we've had it all completely redone.
It's a classic case of one woman's idea of what looks good being completely destroyed to make way for another woman's idea of what looks good.
It's all comng back now, I'd been recommended to the previous woman by yet another woman from the street below.
And the greatest irony of it all is: I'd be quoting the current woman to pull apart the fireplace and fit a liner in the exact same chimney that the previous woman had paid me to fix.
17th March. They Must Be Having An Affair.
Running along in the moonlight, barefoot of course, there is a car up ahead which appears to be stopped in the road.
Rather sinisterly the lights go off then come on again then go off again, I decide to wait at the edge of the wood but the car engine doesn't start.
For some reason, maybe somethng about running silently up to a parked car in the dark on a narrow road, I decide to detour through the wood for added sole conditioning to pass it on the way back.
Approaching where the car had been, from the other direction, it was still there, I could make out it's shape in the dark, suddenly the sidelights come on, obviously some activity disturbed.
The sidelights betrayed something of the make and model of car perhaps a ten year old Rover definitely not a sporty hatchback.
A middle-aged or even retired persons vehicle, music is coming from inside, could be James Last certainly not Hard House...
My pace increases at the horror of being accused of middle-aged Dogging.
Rather sinisterly the lights go off then come on again then go off again, I decide to wait at the edge of the wood but the car engine doesn't start.
For some reason, maybe somethng about running silently up to a parked car in the dark on a narrow road, I decide to detour through the wood for added sole conditioning to pass it on the way back.
Approaching where the car had been, from the other direction, it was still there, I could make out it's shape in the dark, suddenly the sidelights come on, obviously some activity disturbed.
The sidelights betrayed something of the make and model of car perhaps a ten year old Rover definitely not a sporty hatchback.
A middle-aged or even retired persons vehicle, music is coming from inside, could be James Last certainly not Hard House...
My pace increases at the horror of being accused of middle-aged Dogging.
16th March. Three Men In a Kitchen.
There comes a time in a man's life when a need for an occupational change seems to be overriding.
"Young" Alistair seemed to be proposing some sort of excursion on the lines of the famed 'Three Men In A Boat' over a cup of tea with another middle-aged visitor.
The emphasis seemed to be on a blowke-ish few days, probably a recipe for a drowning.
My feeling is that these events are mere diversions from the real meat of life - meaningful work.
In that regard we could all just swap jobs although the Teaching Profession could be the short straw in this game.
"How is the teaching profession these days?" I asked this afternoon's visitor.
"A bag of shite."
"Young" Alistair seemed to be proposing some sort of excursion on the lines of the famed 'Three Men In A Boat' over a cup of tea with another middle-aged visitor.
The emphasis seemed to be on a blowke-ish few days, probably a recipe for a drowning.
My feeling is that these events are mere diversions from the real meat of life - meaningful work.
In that regard we could all just swap jobs although the Teaching Profession could be the short straw in this game.
"How is the teaching profession these days?" I asked this afternoon's visitor.
"A bag of shite."
11th March. Heavy Metal Mouth.
I took a drink of water from the cold tap at the former tearoom.
Obviously not mains water here out in the wilds surrounded by what might be a landscape considered picturesque in July or August but just endless moorland today.
There was the unmistakeable tang of metal in that water.
No wonder the tea tastes kind of weird, no wonder the tearoom closed down?
Now it could be rusty cast iron but the water looks clear enough, in that case, by the time it reaches the kitchen it's probably been running through half a mile of lead pipe.
Have you ever tried chewing lead?
Apart from the toxicity it tastes revolting in a metallic way just like this water.
Scottish Blend specially selected to disguise the taste of lead/ dead ewes in a private water supply.
Obviously not mains water here out in the wilds surrounded by what might be a landscape considered picturesque in July or August but just endless moorland today.
There was the unmistakeable tang of metal in that water.
No wonder the tea tastes kind of weird, no wonder the tearoom closed down?
Now it could be rusty cast iron but the water looks clear enough, in that case, by the time it reaches the kitchen it's probably been running through half a mile of lead pipe.
Have you ever tried chewing lead?
Apart from the toxicity it tastes revolting in a metallic way just like this water.
Scottish Blend specially selected to disguise the taste of lead/ dead ewes in a private water supply.
10th March. Ironman
New light on the perplexing problem of how a human being can complete something like an Ironman.
According to some winning authority on the Net it's all about heart rate monitors, briefly one subtracts one's age from 180 and this gives an upper limit to exercise.
I set off at a reasonable pace and glance at the monitor - 215, Jeezo!
According to the winning authority the problem is having the patience to run slowly enough to condition the heart.
However I've found that this can be easily achieved by meandering bare feet across a ploughed field.
According to some winning authority on the Net it's all about heart rate monitors, briefly one subtracts one's age from 180 and this gives an upper limit to exercise.
I set off at a reasonable pace and glance at the monitor - 215, Jeezo!
According to the winning authority the problem is having the patience to run slowly enough to condition the heart.
However I've found that this can be easily achieved by meandering bare feet across a ploughed field.
9th March. The Scottish Handbag Show.
It's all about the 'look' for Isabelle.
Motorcycles are basically like handbags with wheels from a woman's viewpoint.
The Motorcycle Show gives men the chance to view the latest fashion trends for this year and the price tags.
Orange (KTM), Green (Kawasaki), etc
"I think I look best on the Speed Triple" says Isabelle sitting astride the latest black streetfighter.
"So I twist this towards me and it goes faster" she says grabbing a handful of throttle..
"Sort of" I reply, imagining the results if it was actually in first gear with the engine running...
Motorcycles are basically like handbags with wheels from a woman's viewpoint.
The Motorcycle Show gives men the chance to view the latest fashion trends for this year and the price tags.
Orange (KTM), Green (Kawasaki), etc
"I think I look best on the Speed Triple" says Isabelle sitting astride the latest black streetfighter.
"So I twist this towards me and it goes faster" she says grabbing a handful of throttle..
"Sort of" I reply, imagining the results if it was actually in first gear with the engine running...
5th March. Pigeon Epoxy.
One of those disabled pigeons has what looked like a ball exactly the size and colour of a walnut encasing one foot.
This had the affect of rendering its gait even more gammie than before. However one of the endearing traits of birds is that their habit is to just 'get on with it', when do you ever see a depressed Sparrow or a Blue Tit that thinks it's got a peanut allergy?
Anyway closer inspection revealed that the 'walnut' was composed entirely of pigeon effluvia but in a solid rather than liquid state.
Cracking the 'walnut' proved impossible and the material is also remarkably resistant to soaking in water.
The pigeon seems to share with the chicken the ability to produce an organic substance with all the properties of Araldite Rapid.
This had the affect of rendering its gait even more gammie than before. However one of the endearing traits of birds is that their habit is to just 'get on with it', when do you ever see a depressed Sparrow or a Blue Tit that thinks it's got a peanut allergy?
Anyway closer inspection revealed that the 'walnut' was composed entirely of pigeon effluvia but in a solid rather than liquid state.
Cracking the 'walnut' proved impossible and the material is also remarkably resistant to soaking in water.
The pigeon seems to share with the chicken the ability to produce an organic substance with all the properties of Araldite Rapid.
4th March. Scary Old Bitch In A Perthshire Kitchen.
You always wonder when you're making a cup of tea with your back to a snarling dog in a strange kitchen if it can smell the fear.
"A,A,A! Calm Down, Calm Down!"
Silence for about ten seconds.
"A,A!"
Jeez how much longer is it going to take this kettle to boil?
I'm begining to smell the fear myself.
"A,A,A! Calm Down, Calm Down!"
Silence for about ten seconds.
"A,A!"
Jeez how much longer is it going to take this kettle to boil?
I'm begining to smell the fear myself.
1st March. Bollocks.
Received notice from HM Revenue & Customs that unless I pay £2599 by the tenth of this month I will be shot.
Also any assets not inside the house, ie in a garage will be siezed, well they'd be welcome to the Daihatsu, recently synchromesh seems to have gone on second.
As a Citizen we're all meant to be paying for our share of Northern Rock and bringing democracy to the Taliban.
They should just let Tesco run the country, cause it does anyway, whole swathes of mouse clickers could be dispatched, cut out the dead wood, buy one get one free, streamline the whole process with one-click ordering
It's all like a Superstore that still has a half day wednesday.
Also any assets not inside the house, ie in a garage will be siezed, well they'd be welcome to the Daihatsu, recently synchromesh seems to have gone on second.
As a Citizen we're all meant to be paying for our share of Northern Rock and bringing democracy to the Taliban.
They should just let Tesco run the country, cause it does anyway, whole swathes of mouse clickers could be dispatched, cut out the dead wood, buy one get one free, streamline the whole process with one-click ordering
It's all like a Superstore that still has a half day wednesday.
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