THE DAILY ARSE 28th April A Silicon Rubber Day

Colin Halfway is giving me a stack of money to clamber about on the roof at 5 High Street armed with silicon rubber, in an attempt to stop the leaks above his flat and the other neighbour's, ... So anyway, first off, I went for a piece of glass. The woman at the glaziers was belligerent : I said
"Can you cut me a piece of glass ?"
" It depends on how big it is.."
"?"
Then she had it out with the piece of glass when (despite going through all the correct motions) it didn't break in all the right places.
"That's alright" i said " I've got some pliers". I shouldn't have said that...
Because of course when I'd finally arrived back at the skylight, and got the pliers out, the glass snapped in half. Well I couldn't go back and face that woman again, so I just had to use more silicon rubber....

At this height, passers-by in the High Street look not so much like the size of ants but sheep. Wandering from the pub over the road to the betting shop directly below me, then back again, pausing for a fag by the newly installed mandatory ashtray cum litter bin.
I'm dropping occasional bits of dried moss from the gutters, that's OK, but I keep a tight grip on the trowel.
I can see it falling for about 2 seconds then embedding in a balding pate or worse; glancing off some child in a pram. Imagine.... just watching reality unfold.... Then what ? press pause then re-wind ? Hide on the other side of the roof and pretend it never happened ?... Now my hands are all covered with silicon rubber,
I can see myself spinning and dropping, from the edge of the roof still stuck to the mastic gun...
The weird thing is that no one ever looks up... they never do...