25th July Ironman Zoorick Just Pissing About..

"Funnily enough it's the swim I'm most worried about." said Old Nick (42) doing his first Ironman. "So long as I've got space in front of me to swim in I'll be ok - It'll be ok" He assured himself. We shuffled barefoot along with two and half thousand other rubber suited clones through the muddied grass towards the early morning lake. "Yeah and then your goggles mist up halfway through and you don't know where the hell the bouys are." i interjected, "DON'T TALK IT UP MATE! DON'T TALK IT UP!" That was the last I'd see of Old Nick and buddy Tone until 5 mins before the end of the race...  Now you can always pee in a wetsuit but try as I might I just couldn't relax the old bladder enough to get the flow started whilst I was front crawling. So I kept on, tried to forget about it but the pressure kept on mounting, Bloody Hell! Carter! it was becoming unbearable - I'd  just have to break off and tread water to finally get some relief. I knew what would happen though - as soon as you stop swimming the nearest bloody race marshal in a kayak thinks you're in difficulty. Well I WAS but not cos i was gonna drown. So this Swiss German comes paddling over just when i was in  warm relaxing midstream ach I just had to get swimming again and make straight for the porta-loos in transition one. The cycling was something best forgotten about and there was two laps of it. I stuck to coca cola and water and I think I only needed one roadside urination in the whole 112 miles. What sticks in my mind is umpah bands and steel bands and pretty girls coming past in Lycra with names like Jolleen. Any girl's name that was part of a song made you want to break out of delirium into an  appropriate refrain - "Jolleen Jolleen Jolleen JO-LLEEEEEEN! " or whatever. So the run? - well you could drink yourself silly on that and there were handy urinals every few kilometres but then I wasted so much time at the urinals I missed getting under the 14hours by 13 seconds. God damn it to hell!

24th July Prelude To An Ironman

"Have you got anything for diarrhoea?" I enquired from the steps of the medical caravan "Sorry?" "DI-A- RRHOEA" "? You have to speak slow-er" "Have you got any Immodium?" "?" "IM-MO-DI-UM" A smile of recognition appeared on the, until then, blank face of the Swiss German stand in nurse. " One moment..." I am then allotted one capsule scissored of with its foil backing. "Not good for race tomorrow!" I proffer. I'd been walking along quite happily whilst Tone was wheeling his alloy framed Ribble to the bike check-in for numbers over 2000 when a routine release of gas surprised me with that inter-cheek ominous squirting sensation instead of a satisfying trump. Bollox! Fuck it! I thought I was actually going to make it to the start line with no more than residual Natural Weakness this year. The Swiss toilets were made entirely of stainless steel with hydraulically damped retracting loo seat and integral handwash facilitiy. It seemed like a desecration - akin to shitting brown water inside a new BMW but the flushing action, something like the whirlpool of Corryvreckan, was second to none. My arse was certainly going to be additionally challenged on the 180km cycle...

20th July. Here We, Here We, Here We Fucking Go!

I had this nightmare... I mean dream... of doing Ironman Zurich... What I mean is I'm Living The Dream, shortly, which may feel like a nightmare.  This morning  I was down the leisure pool for a last splash around and the Tattooed Ironman was in the showers. I said "Ironman Zurich on sunday."  The Tattooed IM had told me some other time that "He'd never been able to get under 10 hours." And that's like saying I'm better than you, you're weak, you're just playing at it, not serious, it takes discipline to get up on dark winter mornings to train (like him).

But what if you entered an Ironman with virtually no training?  just relying on one's general state. Is it inevitable to end up in the medical tent wrapped in a space blanket with a drip set up for hydration? Its an interesting concept and to be honest I'm gonna find out on Sunday. The T. IM. is overweight and has let himself go a bit, like FB and needs to train. See if Man A. is 2 hrs faster than Man B. does that mean that A. is better than B? cos he's made more effort? Its like when FB got that award for not being fat anymore - it was for being a "better person". I didn't get an award for being thin, cos its all about Self Improvement innit? But What's the point of devoting every hour to training in order to"Improve" ?  it's a sort of perverted narrowly defined mentally ill version of Self Improvement. 

14th July. Gok Fucking Wan.

How To Look Good Fat, with that fat gay chink. Everything on the telly is for women worried about their weight apart from fucking football and if you hate Football well you're fucked aren't you. What happened to The Sweeney? "YOU'RE NICKED!"  Is it some kind of conspiracy? "SHUT IT!" I mean even Inspector Morse wasn't that female friendly "LEWIS!"  Top Gear? well that's just an exception that proves the rule. As for all those perfectly coiffed CSI style melodramas, well... and worse still that tedius saccharine sweet Grey's Anatomy dripping with cliches, bloody hell!  In turn that's only surpassed by the narrator of that gruesome Desperate Housewives, fucking desperate alright..

12th July. The Black Bull, Rothesay.

"I don't know about some of those birds in there though, they're just like eating machines with chins. They could demolish a steak in 2o seconds but I wouldn't want to shag it."

"Yes but some of them could have important jobs you haven't thought of that."

"Like what?"

"Well... like a casualty nurse."

"NO way they're fit for nothing, they couldn't even do secretarial work cause their fingers would hit more than one key."

"You mean they should be just melted down or something...Is that what you're saying?"

"Yeah made into soap. If your BMI is above a certain level you shouldn't be allowed to have children."

"Why, because its genetic?"

"No because sex between fat people is disgusting.."

10th July. Tesco Fatties (continued).

"I can't believe there's so many fat people in there" said Fat Boy, "The reason I took so long was there was this huge bird in front getting a mochafrappelattechino or something really special which came in a mug with two handles about the size of the FA Cup. Took bloody ages and the Tesco cafe's gone it's Costa now ten quid for a snack!"

"Bastards!"

~Just about everybody's misshapen nowadays."

"Bacon misshapes,"

"I don't know where they get the money from to keep themselves that big there's supposed to be a recession on."

"Do you want to try a bit of my Frescato?"

"What's that in it - ice cream?"

"I think so"

"No wonder you were such a fat cunt."

6th July. The Most Boring City In Europe

Medical Imaging Man last in a line of difficult and boring clients told me that Zurich was "The most boring city in Europe" and I can believe it, he should know. And in fact I have been to Zurich before but can remember nothing about it other than the reason I went there which was to find a Royal Bank. The Boringest City In The World! and We're goin' a Zoorick! for what is the easiest Ironman in europe perhaps the boringest Ironman, who knows? Course back in those days you couldn't get money just like that, and I'd blown my budget for a months Interailing in 3 days that's why I ended up there cos I knew as much that Zurich equals banking. Reviews of the only campsite are mixed?: "A shower will mark one, when you pay with euros, sold for 1.50." "1 weeks. but to dwell on the camp is idiocy" "Only the true great location on the lake to one at any time allows a refreshing swim, speaks for the square." "Much to see there are not on the camp. For seniors are not suitable." ?????

5th July. The Fucking And The Fighting.

Last time I was round at the flat They were just moving in with a bright future ahead, now the flat was empty save for a certain amount of detritus - hair grips, one pence pieces, fluff. Back then the main concern was that the grill wasn't working and so He wouldn't be able to make cheese on toast "Can't live without cheese on toast! (Chuckle chuckle)." I remember scrabbling about looking at the back of the cooker in vain for a serial number. She was young but then so was He but not as young as She, I didn't want the grill to cast a shadow over their relationship. Still nothing further was heard about the grill malfunction as greater concerns must have taken hold, like the fact that they couldn't live together, with or without the cheese on toast. Well I was hoovering everywhere and under the Ikea bed some of the supporting struts had come adrift like the springing had taken more of its fair share of cyclical loading... Then, "They must have had a fight!" pronounced IB indicating that one wardrobe door had a big dent right through the MDF wood panel effect panelling. Well there we are Love's Young Dream - gone wrong. Next tenant in the pipeline a single mum, apparently. Scratch the surface and there's nowt but failure and loneliness but the babies keep coming.