Sixteen years ago, 29:2:92 I had this lead box time capsule amazing idea. NOT TO BE OPENED BEFORE 2016
A snapshot of life at that moment, everyone was invited to speak to a video camera privately addressing their presentday-selves to their future-selves.
Those that couldn't be there in person had to make do with a recorded phone conversation, then the box was soldered up and buried.
At the time there were a few bets on who would be the first 'to go' and poignantly enough some already have.
Unexpectedly hardly anyone now would give the time of day to the other people involved.
This same disassociation may also apply to any video evidence of ones former-self.
28th February. One Year On.
Around about now K. and Brother-in-Law Ayk have produced another generation.
And to think this time last year Isabelle's dad took us all to that Hotel Massage cum whore house place in Trang Bang, possibly some sort of Integrity Testing, I don't know, and then we sat and watched a Govt film about edible pond weed whilst sipping Tiger Beers.
It all seems such a short time ago and in that short time you can make another person?
I'll have to quote Isabelle's dad on that - "IN-CREDIBLE!"
And to think this time last year Isabelle's dad took us all to that Hotel Massage cum whore house place in Trang Bang, possibly some sort of Integrity Testing, I don't know, and then we sat and watched a Govt film about edible pond weed whilst sipping Tiger Beers.
It all seems such a short time ago and in that short time you can make another person?
I'll have to quote Isabelle's dad on that - "IN-CREDIBLE!"
27th February. "Look - No Hands!"
"You won't like this." I said climbing out of the velux window and up the 60 degree roof with various custom made ladders.
"You're a braver man than me, trusting your life to some old bits of wood." said Mr F. presently recovering from a climbing accident.
And there's the rub - all the best rope, harnesses, bullet proof belays etc but you've still got to trust something, in Mr F's case, the belayer.
Rope can just as easily slip too quickly through someone elses hands as a short bit of ladder come adrift, when balanced on the ridge of a slate roof.
To be fair 'Chez F' isn't exactly a bungalow, it took eleven metres of liner to reach the fire place and that was on the upper floor.
An error could have resulted in more than just a sore heel.
"You're a braver man than me, trusting your life to some old bits of wood." said Mr F. presently recovering from a climbing accident.
And there's the rub - all the best rope, harnesses, bullet proof belays etc but you've still got to trust something, in Mr F's case, the belayer.
Rope can just as easily slip too quickly through someone elses hands as a short bit of ladder come adrift, when balanced on the ridge of a slate roof.
To be fair 'Chez F' isn't exactly a bungalow, it took eleven metres of liner to reach the fire place and that was on the upper floor.
An error could have resulted in more than just a sore heel.
26th February. The Wafarin Story.
"Never been ill in me life" recounts the ex-Royal Navy boxer "but if I hadn't had that pneumonia they'd never have found out I had lung cancer."
"I didn't think smoking a pipe was that bad for you."
"I said I don't want any treatment, just keep me comfortable but they said a fit bloke like you you've got a good chance of recovery, so I said oh ok."
"The other blokes on the ward they really did look ill, I used to say I'm just here delivering flowers, I was the only one there that didn't die."
"Course I had to stop smoking then, it was the least I could do with them investing all that time and money in me."
"The one lung that's left it's twice the size that it usd to be, I could do anything but they did say that it can put a strain on your heart over the years."
"I was actually asleep when I had the first heart attack, it wasn't like I was overdoing it or anything then I had another two when I got to hospital, that's why they put me on this Warfarin.
"I caught me arm on the edge of the loft ladder, bled like a pig on account of the blood being so thin and I never seem to be able to get warm."
"I didn't think smoking a pipe was that bad for you."
"I said I don't want any treatment, just keep me comfortable but they said a fit bloke like you you've got a good chance of recovery, so I said oh ok."
"The other blokes on the ward they really did look ill, I used to say I'm just here delivering flowers, I was the only one there that didn't die."
"Course I had to stop smoking then, it was the least I could do with them investing all that time and money in me."
"The one lung that's left it's twice the size that it usd to be, I could do anything but they did say that it can put a strain on your heart over the years."
"I was actually asleep when I had the first heart attack, it wasn't like I was overdoing it or anything then I had another two when I got to hospital, that's why they put me on this Warfarin.
"I caught me arm on the edge of the loft ladder, bled like a pig on account of the blood being so thin and I never seem to be able to get warm."
23rd February. Random Restaurants Ltd.
"What did you order sir?" said the smallish Bangla Deshi man balancing various dishes.
"Number thirty-two."
"Mine's twenty-two." echoes Charlie.
"Yes but WHAT was your order sir?"
Why bother to get out your glasses and struggle with the dim lighting?
You see, my choices were limited to one, seventeen or thirty-two - applying the criteria of former addresses with numbers.
Number one would have been some kind of starter which left one of two surprises.
They should just keep the numbers and do away with everything else on the menu.
It's the new craze that's sweeping Britain!
Yes, It's Eating By Numbers!
"Number thirty-two."
"Mine's twenty-two." echoes Charlie.
"Yes but WHAT was your order sir?"
Why bother to get out your glasses and struggle with the dim lighting?
You see, my choices were limited to one, seventeen or thirty-two - applying the criteria of former addresses with numbers.
Number one would have been some kind of starter which left one of two surprises.
They should just keep the numbers and do away with everything else on the menu.
It's the new craze that's sweeping Britain!
Yes, It's Eating By Numbers!
22nd February. System Of Appeasement.
A shadow passed across Mrs F's face when I mentioned that I wouldn't be back till tuesday, thus the living room of the former manse would have to be left in disarray.
"I have to placate a retired couple", I explain, "He's on Warfarin following a stroke so his blood's like water and he can't get warm, his wife keeps going on about when am I going to fit their stove?"
Tomorrow I have to appease the German woman with the ever lengthening list of faults she is experiencing as a tenant.
Behind these three a whole regiment of women stand clutching quotations and waiting at windows, tut, tutting, whilst peering at calandars for february.
"I have to placate a retired couple", I explain, "He's on Warfarin following a stroke so his blood's like water and he can't get warm, his wife keeps going on about when am I going to fit their stove?"
Tomorrow I have to appease the German woman with the ever lengthening list of faults she is experiencing as a tenant.
Behind these three a whole regiment of women stand clutching quotations and waiting at windows, tut, tutting, whilst peering at calandars for february.
21st February. Andrew Lloyd Weber On my Mind.
It's a shame I'll probably die a lingering death from lung disease all for the sake of spending twelve quid on a new mask from Wickes, instead of 'making do' with the old one.
That's because it certainly works a lot better than previous masks, no black nose pickings at all, even after a days Kango-ing in amongst a Crieff fireplace.
However, felt a bit overwhelmed this morning by cash flow and the seemingly endless endlessness of chimneys.
It struck me that mid-life is a bit like the interval during a performance of say an Andrew Lloyd Weber musical when you go out to collect your pre-paid drinks. Then the bell signifying the start of the second half goes and you say - "I don't think it's going to get any better, do you? What do you think, shall we just go home?"
Then just to emphasise that things could be worse, the back door of the van swung out on a corner getting wedged against the trailer further reducing its chances of ever staying shut.
This caused me to swear at the Inveralmond Industrial Estate.
That's because it certainly works a lot better than previous masks, no black nose pickings at all, even after a days Kango-ing in amongst a Crieff fireplace.
However, felt a bit overwhelmed this morning by cash flow and the seemingly endless endlessness of chimneys.
It struck me that mid-life is a bit like the interval during a performance of say an Andrew Lloyd Weber musical when you go out to collect your pre-paid drinks. Then the bell signifying the start of the second half goes and you say - "I don't think it's going to get any better, do you? What do you think, shall we just go home?"
Then just to emphasise that things could be worse, the back door of the van swung out on a corner getting wedged against the trailer further reducing its chances of ever staying shut.
This caused me to swear at the Inveralmond Industrial Estate.
19th February. My Whole Body Must Be Toxic.
They haven't found a cure for the common cold obviously because if there was I'd be a ready customer.
In fact I've been reviewing the whole respiratory system in general - long term inhalation of combustion products, soot, dust of all kinds including silicon carbide, fibreglass particles, cement, lime, and then the odd bit of asbestos just as a treat.
I made a point of going into Wickes and splashing out on a new mask which claims to deal with most bad things, ready for tomorrows onslaught.
You really can't justify economising with lungs.
I gave J. a ticking off for burning treated fence posts and creosoted railway sleepers in the living room stove.
"Due think the ash is dangerous?"
"Well really you should be wearing a cartridge type face mask at all times whilst watching the telly. Probably a combination of AB and P2 that will do organic vapours as well as toxic particles."
In fact I've been reviewing the whole respiratory system in general - long term inhalation of combustion products, soot, dust of all kinds including silicon carbide, fibreglass particles, cement, lime, and then the odd bit of asbestos just as a treat.
I made a point of going into Wickes and splashing out on a new mask which claims to deal with most bad things, ready for tomorrows onslaught.
You really can't justify economising with lungs.
I gave J. a ticking off for burning treated fence posts and creosoted railway sleepers in the living room stove.
"Due think the ash is dangerous?"
"Well really you should be wearing a cartridge type face mask at all times whilst watching the telly. Probably a combination of AB and P2 that will do organic vapours as well as toxic particles."
17th February. Get Some Bedrest...Errr...
Finally, after Isabelle coughing in my face for three weeks, I managed to provide rooming house for whatever virus was on the lookout for a new address.
This was perfect timing for the so-called "Wee Triathlon". After the first two of the required sixteen lengths of the Lochaber Leisure Pool suddenly nausea set in, considerably slowing the respectable pace to something less than that.
The mountain bike section was simply disrespectful, as the breathing rate had to be tempered below the threshold of sick.
The running wasn't too bad although I stopped short of going barefoot, still I even passed a few people.
It's been proved conclusively again that if you feel a bit ill, Triathlons especially in February don't make you feel much better.
This was perfect timing for the so-called "Wee Triathlon". After the first two of the required sixteen lengths of the Lochaber Leisure Pool suddenly nausea set in, considerably slowing the respectable pace to something less than that.
The mountain bike section was simply disrespectful, as the breathing rate had to be tempered below the threshold of sick.
The running wasn't too bad although I stopped short of going barefoot, still I even passed a few people.
It's been proved conclusively again that if you feel a bit ill, Triathlons especially in February don't make you feel much better.
15th February. "Terror Has An Address."
Dropped in at Gestapo headquarters this morning although the whole place has been quietly bulldozed at some point.
Now no one's quite sure what to do with it.
Surprisingly the Reich Aviation Ministry just across the way looks brand new.
We sit in a cafe just down the road which by the style and age of the ceiling must have survived the best efforts of Bomber Command.
Isabelle orders an apple strudel.
"I bet Old Goering used to come in here for cream cakes" I remark "In fact he probably sat in this seat."
Now no one's quite sure what to do with it.
Surprisingly the Reich Aviation Ministry just across the way looks brand new.
We sit in a cafe just down the road which by the style and age of the ceiling must have survived the best efforts of Bomber Command.
Isabelle orders an apple strudel.
"I bet Old Goering used to come in here for cream cakes" I remark "In fact he probably sat in this seat."
14th February. Blind Date/Mystery Meat.
We are led by our waiter who is either partially sighted or not sighted at all, to be seated in total darkness and we're talking like a coal mine here.
Matt Damon gave a glowing testimonial to the Unsicht Bar experience but then we could be sitting at the next table to Madonna and you'd never know, maybe the darkness is the main attraction for Hollywood types?
"There is your beer sir in front to the right."
There is the sound of chatting and background music and occasionally people barging into things.
Of course this is "Valentins tag", in theory you could take all your clothes off, do anything you like, sort of thing because no one else can see you.
"You can certainly eat with your mouth open" I say to Isabelle with a mouthful of salad which I seem to have got hold of all at once.
We have opted for the "Surprise menu". There was some debate as to what the worst surprise could be? Maybe live octopus or even just spaghetti bolognese.
I'm convinced that my entree consists of a plate of pickled onions with lettuce, "If I get another pickled onion I'll go mad" I say chasing what's left around the plate
The main dish could be pork or beef according to Isabelle who also claimed hers "Smells of piss" which I thought was going a bit far and I'm sure it's chicken.
I think the dessert was a tinned pear in chocolate sauce with maybe a bit of squirty cream.
"The whole meal's probably only cost £2.50 to make..."
"And then they charge you a fortune and you never even know what you ate...Brilliant!" I echo.
"They certainly save on electricity and never need to redecorate, we could be sitting in a lock-up garage."
Once led back out from pitch-black to dimly-lit we are able to view the actual menu...
"Seasonal greens with marinated goose with a mango and apricot dressing?"
"Never!"
"Potato & bacon gnocchis, soy-coconut goose with marinated red cabbage"
followed by some exotic dessert.
No mention of pickled onions at all.
"If I'd known I was eating goose I would have really savoured it" said Isabelle.
Matt Damon gave a glowing testimonial to the Unsicht Bar experience but then we could be sitting at the next table to Madonna and you'd never know, maybe the darkness is the main attraction for Hollywood types?
"There is your beer sir in front to the right."
There is the sound of chatting and background music and occasionally people barging into things.
Of course this is "Valentins tag", in theory you could take all your clothes off, do anything you like, sort of thing because no one else can see you.
"You can certainly eat with your mouth open" I say to Isabelle with a mouthful of salad which I seem to have got hold of all at once.
We have opted for the "Surprise menu". There was some debate as to what the worst surprise could be? Maybe live octopus or even just spaghetti bolognese.
I'm convinced that my entree consists of a plate of pickled onions with lettuce, "If I get another pickled onion I'll go mad" I say chasing what's left around the plate
The main dish could be pork or beef according to Isabelle who also claimed hers "Smells of piss" which I thought was going a bit far and I'm sure it's chicken.
I think the dessert was a tinned pear in chocolate sauce with maybe a bit of squirty cream.
"The whole meal's probably only cost £2.50 to make..."
"And then they charge you a fortune and you never even know what you ate...Brilliant!" I echo.
"They certainly save on electricity and never need to redecorate, we could be sitting in a lock-up garage."
Once led back out from pitch-black to dimly-lit we are able to view the actual menu...
"Seasonal greens with marinated goose with a mango and apricot dressing?"
"Never!"
"Potato & bacon gnocchis, soy-coconut goose with marinated red cabbage"
followed by some exotic dessert.
No mention of pickled onions at all.
"If I'd known I was eating goose I would have really savoured it" said Isabelle.
13th February. Berlin Departement Store.
"Stay close with me you look like a homeless person." advises Isabelle as we drift amongst aisles of parfumerie and cosmetics under the suspicious eye of a security guard.
Isabelle was appalled to find that my clothing for this trip consisted only of what I was standing up in.
Apparently a lack of colour coordination is indicative of a limited vocabulary when it comes to the language of clothes typical of the average down and out.
Isabelle was appalled to find that my clothing for this trip consisted only of what I was standing up in.
Apparently a lack of colour coordination is indicative of a limited vocabulary when it comes to the language of clothes typical of the average down and out.
12th February. Kafka-esque
"Berlin is an extremely safe city."
The last time I went to Berlin I was detained by the Stasi in a room with a typewriter and a desk for about half an hour on suspicion of something.
Possibly being in posession of a Tesco carrier bag.
The last time I went to Berlin I was detained by the Stasi in a room with a typewriter and a desk for about half an hour on suspicion of something.
Possibly being in posession of a Tesco carrier bag.
11th February. National Standards.
I revisit the German tenant complete with a brand new dehumidifier.
She is waiting for me with a whole litany of faults, each requiring investigation.
One complaint is that the hot water smells funny.
She turns on the hot tap and cupping the water in both hands sniffs it.
Intrigued I follow the same procedure.
"I can't smell anything" I say.
"Maybe it's not hot enough but it smells really foul!"
Obviously the new tenant wants everything to be correct. This fastidiousness could be a national trait.
The previous occupants - Greek, never saw any cause for complaint.
She is waiting for me with a whole litany of faults, each requiring investigation.
One complaint is that the hot water smells funny.
She turns on the hot tap and cupping the water in both hands sniffs it.
Intrigued I follow the same procedure.
"I can't smell anything" I say.
"Maybe it's not hot enough but it smells really foul!"
Obviously the new tenant wants everything to be correct. This fastidiousness could be a national trait.
The previous occupants - Greek, never saw any cause for complaint.
10th February. Aunt.
Isabelle is on the threshold of becoming an aunt.
There's a funny thing ...of becoming an ant.
It's only by context built on life experience to date that we choose the former outcome.
But then we could be speaking metaphorically - a faceless worker in a large organisation.
That possibility still seems more remote than Isabelle's metamorphosis into an insect.
There's a funny thing ...of becoming an ant.
It's only by context built on life experience to date that we choose the former outcome.
But then we could be speaking metaphorically - a faceless worker in a large organisation.
That possibility still seems more remote than Isabelle's metamorphosis into an insect.
9th February. Mould Behind the Hall Mirror.
"And zer's a mushroom in ze bathroom." said the German woman.
No bloody wonder with this level of humidity I thought.
"I'm keeping ze doors closed to keep ze room warm for ze baby" she motions to a child in a chair at ground level.
"It's condensation" I say.
"Vot are you going to do about it though?"
"We're going to Berlin for a few days next week" added Isabelle "What sort of things are their to visit?"
"Ohh...! Ze shops are incredible."
Obviously another holiday of a lifetime, as if I needed one.
No bloody wonder with this level of humidity I thought.
"I'm keeping ze doors closed to keep ze room warm for ze baby" she motions to a child in a chair at ground level.
"It's condensation" I say.
"Vot are you going to do about it though?"
"We're going to Berlin for a few days next week" added Isabelle "What sort of things are their to visit?"
"Ohh...! Ze shops are incredible."
Obviously another holiday of a lifetime, as if I needed one.
7th February. Earthquake!
The Sprinter from Inverness comes into view heading south on the line. This'll be interesting I mused since I'm stood balanced on the top of the chimney stack of the former station house, with a 100 litre bag of vermiculite.
Wa hey!
It's a wonder the house has been standing since 1860 odd.
Wa hey!
It's a wonder the house has been standing since 1860 odd.
6th February. Climate Change Front Line.
Mr S. takes a phone call - "Another meeting of the flood commitee" he relays.
Quite.
The S's house is on a virtual island on the flood plain of the Tay and each house in the village follows a strict order in which they go under.
Not unlike the global scenario, Bangla Desh, The Netherlands, half of Vietnam etc.
"I see what you mean about the road" I said looking at what had been washed away by the river in the latest flooding.
Well you certainly wouldn't be able to drive up it in a sports car and only just - in a tractor.
He said "I didn't think it was worth repairing until that snow we had last week's melted, better to wait till the end of the rainy season."
Quite.
The S's house is on a virtual island on the flood plain of the Tay and each house in the village follows a strict order in which they go under.
Not unlike the global scenario, Bangla Desh, The Netherlands, half of Vietnam etc.
"I see what you mean about the road" I said looking at what had been washed away by the river in the latest flooding.
Well you certainly wouldn't be able to drive up it in a sports car and only just - in a tractor.
He said "I didn't think it was worth repairing until that snow we had last week's melted, better to wait till the end of the rainy season."
5th February. More On Mrs G's Toddler.
The youngster has for some periods today the undivided attention of both his parents and the family dog.
He will go on to show that the first born or only child is on average the more intelligent, not from any genetic predisposition, but simply from the level of adult attention and encouragement in these early developmental stages.
However, sadly the first seeds of neurosis will be sown too, as he will never quite adjust to the fact that throughout adult life his triumphs and disasters will be pretty much ignored by the rest of the world.
He will go on to show that the first born or only child is on average the more intelligent, not from any genetic predisposition, but simply from the level of adult attention and encouragement in these early developmental stages.
However, sadly the first seeds of neurosis will be sown too, as he will never quite adjust to the fact that throughout adult life his triumphs and disasters will be pretty much ignored by the rest of the world.
4th February. The Lost World.
By the sound of things coming from the living room Mrs G's toddler seemed to be re-enacting various scenes from Jurassic Park, playing most of the characters himself including many of the Dinosaurs.
By late afternoon I would have quite happily shut him in a broom cupboard and that was knowing that at any time soon I would be able to jump in the van and drive away forever, well actually till saturday morning probably.
The broom cupboard would have been standard practice until quite recently, with the proviso that on his release back into 'civil society' he would have been ordered to kneel down and beg forgiveness from God.
One should never hit a child in anger. No - fair warning should be given that a proper leathering will be administered by Pater once he gets home from the office.
By late afternoon I would have quite happily shut him in a broom cupboard and that was knowing that at any time soon I would be able to jump in the van and drive away forever, well actually till saturday morning probably.
The broom cupboard would have been standard practice until quite recently, with the proviso that on his release back into 'civil society' he would have been ordered to kneel down and beg forgiveness from God.
One should never hit a child in anger. No - fair warning should be given that a proper leathering will be administered by Pater once he gets home from the office.
3rd February. Gorilla In The Night.
A Budgie fell off it's perch sometime in the early hours, which is just another reason why it's hard to ever get a nights sleep hereabouts.
The procedure involves getting out of bed to put the kitchen light on otherwise whatever bird has lost it's footing can't see anything and is reduced to a complete panic.
This meant being awoken not only in the middle of the night but also in the middle of a dream about the Iconic Woman (see previous).
The iWoman seemed concerned about the fate of a pregnant gorilla, which was strangely much smaller than an actual gorilla, about the size of a Marmoset but still a Gorilla nonetheless.
I'm afraid I had little to offer in the way of advice.
The procedure involves getting out of bed to put the kitchen light on otherwise whatever bird has lost it's footing can't see anything and is reduced to a complete panic.
This meant being awoken not only in the middle of the night but also in the middle of a dream about the Iconic Woman (see previous).
The iWoman seemed concerned about the fate of a pregnant gorilla, which was strangely much smaller than an actual gorilla, about the size of a Marmoset but still a Gorilla nonetheless.
I'm afraid I had little to offer in the way of advice.
2nd February. Does Exactly What It Says On The Tin?
I even had the guy from the flat below coming up to tell me that there's water coming through their ceiling.
Well I KNOW that. It's just a question of how the hell it gets through the roof of Flat D in the first place.
Seems to be the felt on the flat roof which had a split like some botched plastic surgery job. So in an attempt to patch it up I've been spending up at the local Wickes Store.
Wickes Roofing Felt Adhesive has proved to be a product that is in dire need of reformulation due to it's amazing ability to stick to everything - except roofing felt.
"What's that?" asked Junior about the black marks, when we were through for an evening of videos.
"That?" I said looking at my elbows "Is Wickes Roofing Felt Adhesive."
Well I KNOW that. It's just a question of how the hell it gets through the roof of Flat D in the first place.
Seems to be the felt on the flat roof which had a split like some botched plastic surgery job. So in an attempt to patch it up I've been spending up at the local Wickes Store.
Wickes Roofing Felt Adhesive has proved to be a product that is in dire need of reformulation due to it's amazing ability to stick to everything - except roofing felt.
"What's that?" asked Junior about the black marks, when we were through for an evening of videos.
"That?" I said looking at my elbows "Is Wickes Roofing Felt Adhesive."
1st February. Egg Hunt.
About this time of year some hen or other which by some miracle isn't itself a cockerel, gets broody and decides to take off.
Somewhere it'll be sitting on a clutch of eggs each one with a 50:50 chance of being male.
I did the rounds of the garden looking under bushes, in amongst chimney liners, and anywhere else that a hen might find cosy. The search turned up a a few eggs three of which I fried up for tea but no hen visible anywhere.
What we need is a Newfoundland Egg Hound to sniff out these hen fruits, or a Wire Haired Embryo Terrier or an Anatolian Omlette Dog.
Somewhere it'll be sitting on a clutch of eggs each one with a 50:50 chance of being male.
I did the rounds of the garden looking under bushes, in amongst chimney liners, and anywhere else that a hen might find cosy. The search turned up a a few eggs three of which I fried up for tea but no hen visible anywhere.
What we need is a Newfoundland Egg Hound to sniff out these hen fruits, or a Wire Haired Embryo Terrier or an Anatolian Omlette Dog.
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