"I can't stand the tension anymore." says The Otter turning on his heels and heading for the Way Out of The Bothy.
Course we'd all been hanging around in vain whilst Isabelle paid for her dessert at the bar simply to catch another glimpse of The Chick That Works in The Bothy.
Junior alluded to the notion of Sad Old Gitdom.
"Well, It's only the second time we've been here specifically for that reason... and that was really just for your benefit." said The Otter directing his comment to Junior.
"She's a Total Babe, like. But you could never speak to her".
"A lot of these really attractive women are actually very lonely. They don't have boyfriends because they seem unapproachable and everyone assumes that they must already have a boyfriend because they're so beautiful." mused The Otter. "Well that's what I want to believe."
"Bullshit" says Junior.
THE NEXT DAY.
"I was thinking about the chick that works in The Bothy" . That was the first thing to come out of Junior's mouth in the morning...
28th November. I'm Not Normal (Official).
The ultrasound produces an image which makes 1950's black & white telly look like HD but to the trained eye they can generally tell if your baby's got two heads.
"I can't seem to find your left kidney" announces the operator.
"How d'you mean like?"
"Well it's not there."
"What?"
More rolling around of the ultrasound thing with gel.
"Where is it then?"
"You've never had one."
"You mean I've only got one kidney?"
"It looks that way."
Jeezuz H. Christ!
Maybe I've only got half a brain and I've always been half-hearted.
Dear oh dear.
Isabelle says I'm abnormal on the inside as well as the outside.
Apparently only 1% of people have this exclusive form of Natural Weakness.
(You can't hit me, I've only got one kidney.)
More tests of course Yippee!
And meanwhile I can join The Single Kidney Club.
Meet single kidney singles in your area now!
"I can't seem to find your left kidney" announces the operator.
"How d'you mean like?"
"Well it's not there."
"What?"
More rolling around of the ultrasound thing with gel.
"Where is it then?"
"You've never had one."
"You mean I've only got one kidney?"
"It looks that way."
Jeezuz H. Christ!
Maybe I've only got half a brain and I've always been half-hearted.
Dear oh dear.
Isabelle says I'm abnormal on the inside as well as the outside.
Apparently only 1% of people have this exclusive form of Natural Weakness.
(You can't hit me, I've only got one kidney.)
More tests of course Yippee!
And meanwhile I can join The Single Kidney Club.
Meet single kidney singles in your area now!
27th November. The X-ray Factor
Tomorrow I've been invited for afternoon tea at the Radiology Dept maybe I'll see into my own kidneys, (drink a litre of water or tea if you like an hour before).
There has been a suggestion that if one of them's a bit knackered it could be sold to China "Needs slight attention. Unfinished project. A good holiday kidney," something on those lines.
I'm beginning to wonder if walloping into the tarmac of the old A9 in July has anything to do with it?
There has been a suggestion that if one of them's a bit knackered it could be sold to China "Needs slight attention. Unfinished project. A good holiday kidney," something on those lines.
I'm beginning to wonder if walloping into the tarmac of the old A9 in July has anything to do with it?
26th Nov. The SeX-Factor.
The Otter has a hot date hillwalking (hillwalking?) with some woman that works out at that Health Club for pansies and can wear Lycra.
"Attractive?"
"Second only to the chick that works in The Bothy"
Pah! I find that hard to believe, as the 'chick that works in The Bothy,' who of course cannot possibly be from Scotland or even any part of the Uk, is so beautiful as to be accepted as THE Gold Standard of Attractivity.
Although she may actually be computer generated.
"How can I stop the Hormones?" wails the Otter.
This is good news for The Series as The Otter will be preoccupied and may go silly or even lose the plot and forget all about training for Ironman France or anything else.
His Libido will be shorted out directly to Earth with an almighty BBBBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!
"Attractive?"
"Second only to the chick that works in The Bothy"
Pah! I find that hard to believe, as the 'chick that works in The Bothy,' who of course cannot possibly be from Scotland or even any part of the Uk, is so beautiful as to be accepted as THE Gold Standard of Attractivity.
Although she may actually be computer generated.
"How can I stop the Hormones?" wails the Otter.
This is good news for The Series as The Otter will be preoccupied and may go silly or even lose the plot and forget all about training for Ironman France or anything else.
His Libido will be shorted out directly to Earth with an almighty BBBBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!
24th November. The Medical Blog.
"That's my pee" I said to the woman behind the glass screen at A & E.
The urine sample had the appearance of tomato juice.
"Oh"
How can you run 21k last weekend and have normal pee then run round the block while the tatties are boiling and produce such a shocking result?
"Take these Antibiotics" says Dr X.
Waste of time if you ask me because I don't feel ill In fact my theory is that wearing Isabelle's sister's cross country skiing pants stopped my 'tackle' from walloping about during the half marathon.
However running round the block in long johns that hardly stay up not only creates a spectacle but offers no support, and something has come unscrewed or cross-threaded, to put it in engineering terms.
It's either that or Cancer.
"I see you're down for more tests...that's good."
The urine sample had the appearance of tomato juice.
"Oh"
How can you run 21k last weekend and have normal pee then run round the block while the tatties are boiling and produce such a shocking result?
"Take these Antibiotics" says Dr X.
Waste of time if you ask me because I don't feel ill In fact my theory is that wearing Isabelle's sister's cross country skiing pants stopped my 'tackle' from walloping about during the half marathon.
However running round the block in long johns that hardly stay up not only creates a spectacle but offers no support, and something has come unscrewed or cross-threaded, to put it in engineering terms.
It's either that or Cancer.
"I see you're down for more tests...that's good."
17th November. Sprint Finish - To The Nearest Bushes.
A pee would equal losing.
Thirteen point two miles with a full bladder or probably not full, just feeling full.
The Otter claimed at the halfway point he was just jogging along to keep me company.
There was no chatting during the second half though, the Otter sighted a young woman's Lycra'd ass up ahead and tried to maintain pace.
I kept level with his feverish pursuit, knowing the race could still be lost on the incline of the last mile when he'd be pulling out all his hill climbing stops.
We entered the crowded stadium neck and neck for the final two laps to the finishing line, well actually a sodden field at the back of the Primary school with most of the other entrants finished and standing around.
The Otter didn't seem to have any sprint finish and claimed afterwards that the other wins weren't deliberate wins, it just happened that way.
So it was a win but not by much of a margin.
4:2.
Thirteen point two miles with a full bladder or probably not full, just feeling full.
The Otter claimed at the halfway point he was just jogging along to keep me company.
There was no chatting during the second half though, the Otter sighted a young woman's Lycra'd ass up ahead and tried to maintain pace.
I kept level with his feverish pursuit, knowing the race could still be lost on the incline of the last mile when he'd be pulling out all his hill climbing stops.
We entered the crowded stadium neck and neck for the final two laps to the finishing line, well actually a sodden field at the back of the Primary school with most of the other entrants finished and standing around.
The Otter didn't seem to have any sprint finish and claimed afterwards that the other wins weren't deliberate wins, it just happened that way.
So it was a win but not by much of a margin.
4:2.
15th November. Half-Arsed Marathon.
Preparation for tomorrows half marathon thing has been limited.
Something not quite right in the waterworks, it may be just cancer.
Later in the week there's something else to look forward to: report to the Radiology department with a full bladder.
Having sat cross-legged for an indeterminate period and kitted out in one of those gowns I expect to be tortured with Ultrasound and x-rays whilst trying to avoid any involuntary stirrings if it's a nurse under the age of... I don't know?
Back to tomorrow.
The Otter is fit again but untried over the distance he may go out with tendonitus.
I don't mind wetting myself if I was going to win.
Something not quite right in the waterworks, it may be just cancer.
Later in the week there's something else to look forward to: report to the Radiology department with a full bladder.
Having sat cross-legged for an indeterminate period and kitted out in one of those gowns I expect to be tortured with Ultrasound and x-rays whilst trying to avoid any involuntary stirrings if it's a nurse under the age of... I don't know?
Back to tomorrow.
The Otter is fit again but untried over the distance he may go out with tendonitus.
I don't mind wetting myself if I was going to win.
11th November. How Mad Are You?
What I mean is really: How mad am I?
"Horizon' BBC2 explored the difficulty in separating the nutter from the non-nutter by observation alone.
When is a character trait just a character trait and not a symptom of a more serious malaise?
Take pessimism for instance, you don't have to be depressed to be pessimistic.
But do you have to be happy to be optimistic?
Can you be optimistic about the future if you live in the Maldives (nothing more than 2 metres above current sea level)?
Optimism strikes me as a symptom of a far more serious delusion or just plain ignorance.
Or am I mad?
Imagine being depressed and optimistic, that's a good one - things can only get better!
Wanna Bet?
"Horizon' BBC2 explored the difficulty in separating the nutter from the non-nutter by observation alone.
When is a character trait just a character trait and not a symptom of a more serious malaise?
Take pessimism for instance, you don't have to be depressed to be pessimistic.
But do you have to be happy to be optimistic?
Can you be optimistic about the future if you live in the Maldives (nothing more than 2 metres above current sea level)?
Optimism strikes me as a symptom of a far more serious delusion or just plain ignorance.
Or am I mad?
Imagine being depressed and optimistic, that's a good one - things can only get better!
Wanna Bet?
10th November. Knobbled!
Only one week to go to the next event in the Otter/Walrus Series, a nice half marathon.
"There's something in the British psyche that loves an under-achiever." ( In fact I see myself as quintessentially British.)
Actually I don't think I've ever won anything apart from the first Otter/Walrus event, from then I've clearly been the Eddie The Eagle of Triathlon.
Now in a sudden twist of fate the Otter has suffered an injury, more drink than sports related, I hear, something involving vast amounts of Tennents Lager and a staircase.
Tch Tch Tch...
Mind you It's not the winning that's important... errr....?
"There's something in the British psyche that loves an under-achiever." ( In fact I see myself as quintessentially British.)
Actually I don't think I've ever won anything apart from the first Otter/Walrus event, from then I've clearly been the Eddie The Eagle of Triathlon.
Now in a sudden twist of fate the Otter has suffered an injury, more drink than sports related, I hear, something involving vast amounts of Tennents Lager and a staircase.
Tch Tch Tch...
Mind you It's not the winning that's important... errr....?
2nd November. Ya Wee Feartie!
Now that insect life has gone into winter recess, more or less, it's quite possible to ride with one's visor permanently up.
This was a boon due to both the inside and the outside being rendered opaque from salt spray.
The external being the salt on the roads and the internal the air drying of copious nose waterings.
Despite being able to see about as clearly as present eyesight will allow I found my ability to keep up with the rest of the FEMCC hampered by dark imaginings centred on greasy tarmac and larch needles.
It's just another aspect of Natural Weakness.
Like the inability to eat your own weight in black pudding after 15 pints of 'Best' the night before without a trace of heartburn.
Talking of Natural Weakness, on the way down Glen Lyon I spied the Otter's car parked at the side of the road, whilst he was away flogging himself up the side of Cairn Mairg,
Probably with just a bag of out of season strawberries for the day, it's all part of training up for the next event.
Ladbrokes aren't taking any more bets on the Buchlyvie Half Marathon, I hear.
This was a boon due to both the inside and the outside being rendered opaque from salt spray.
The external being the salt on the roads and the internal the air drying of copious nose waterings.
Despite being able to see about as clearly as present eyesight will allow I found my ability to keep up with the rest of the FEMCC hampered by dark imaginings centred on greasy tarmac and larch needles.
It's just another aspect of Natural Weakness.
Like the inability to eat your own weight in black pudding after 15 pints of 'Best' the night before without a trace of heartburn.
Talking of Natural Weakness, on the way down Glen Lyon I spied the Otter's car parked at the side of the road, whilst he was away flogging himself up the side of Cairn Mairg,
Probably with just a bag of out of season strawberries for the day, it's all part of training up for the next event.
Ladbrokes aren't taking any more bets on the Buchlyvie Half Marathon, I hear.
1st November. F.E.M.C.C. Latest.
I can't believe we're supposed to be going away on a motorcycle piss-up trip today.
I'm feeling a bit under the weather due to the common cold virus and the actual weather is -0.2 degrees. Perfect.
These Failing Eyesight Club runs seem to be getting later and later in the year. I mean a few short weeks and it could have been a 'Turkey & Tinsel' run taking advantage of a cheap inclusive deal between Christmas and New Year.
David, needless to say has some sort of plug-in suit reliant on resistance heating like a giant electric toaster.
If the current drain proves too much for his battery he can be just left to die of hypothermia at the roadside on the moors between Bridge of Cally and Pitlochry.
Tonight it'll be a 'few beers' at a wayside inn similar to The Cock & Prostate, followed by a 'Full English Coronary Breakfast'' in the morning.
Although a 'Full Scottish' is similar just with a higher fat content.
I wonder what organ will fail next?
I'm feeling a bit under the weather due to the common cold virus and the actual weather is -0.2 degrees. Perfect.
These Failing Eyesight Club runs seem to be getting later and later in the year. I mean a few short weeks and it could have been a 'Turkey & Tinsel' run taking advantage of a cheap inclusive deal between Christmas and New Year.
David, needless to say has some sort of plug-in suit reliant on resistance heating like a giant electric toaster.
If the current drain proves too much for his battery he can be just left to die of hypothermia at the roadside on the moors between Bridge of Cally and Pitlochry.
Tonight it'll be a 'few beers' at a wayside inn similar to The Cock & Prostate, followed by a 'Full English Coronary Breakfast'' in the morning.
Although a 'Full Scottish' is similar just with a higher fat content.
I wonder what organ will fail next?
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