You know I'd rather be laying a few bricks for a pittance in a temperature of 2 degrees celsius with a keen north wind than be involved in child rearing.
I was able to observe closely part of a typical day for Mother and toddler.
As far as I could make out Mrs G. does an excellent job, making light of things that could bring a less patient individual to the edge of reason.
She always responds to the as yet incoherent pleas of the youngster without a trace of annoyance and takes the time to play with plastic blocks and the like.
However now and then the gurning would start up again, as if it was basic to the human condition and ever present, just below the surface.
30th January. Midnight Trip To Casualty.
"I suppose just about everyone in Perth has sat here and waited." I said to Isabelle, who was now sitting with some sort of dressing over one eye.
The last trip to casualty involved me pulling down my pants to reveal my arse (see previous).
This time a strange incident involving a cat and finding out just how thin the skin of an eyelid is.
"Tigger has scratched my eyelid", well more like slashed, the same way he slashed poor old Harold the budgie (Deceased).
So here we are waiting with a young man in a wheelchair and a tearful mum, he claims to "know who did it" and also an elderly couple, both Alcoholics, she has apparently fallen into a wall.
Eventually Isabelle comes out glued together, just then someone in the young man's entourage says "That woman's just fallen out of the chair."
The elderly alcoholic woman is sprawling on the blue linoleum having managed this time to fall into the floor.
The last trip to casualty involved me pulling down my pants to reveal my arse (see previous).
This time a strange incident involving a cat and finding out just how thin the skin of an eyelid is.
"Tigger has scratched my eyelid", well more like slashed, the same way he slashed poor old Harold the budgie (Deceased).
So here we are waiting with a young man in a wheelchair and a tearful mum, he claims to "know who did it" and also an elderly couple, both Alcoholics, she has apparently fallen into a wall.
Eventually Isabelle comes out glued together, just then someone in the young man's entourage says "That woman's just fallen out of the chair."
The elderly alcoholic woman is sprawling on the blue linoleum having managed this time to fall into the floor.
29th January. Woman's Fridge Casebook.
Mrs B is the sort who has skimmed milk in the fridge next to a large slab of luxury dark chocolate and smokes forty Embassy Regal a day.
It just doesn't add up.
"Do you want a piece of flapjack?"
"No thanks I'm ok, you know there's about half a days calories in one chunk of that?"
The skimmed milk is like a talisman that wards off evil.
.
It just doesn't add up.
"Do you want a piece of flapjack?"
"No thanks I'm ok, you know there's about half a days calories in one chunk of that?"
The skimmed milk is like a talisman that wards off evil.
.
28th January. Dark Runnings.
I pass a woman running the other way, the light from the street lights isn't quite enough to see what kind of trainers she's wearing, it's unlikely she would notice the absence of footwear on my part.
Of course it's more or less complete madness but if other people can run across a stoney desert surely you can run a few miles on a tarmac road?
Well we're up to 5 km.
Of course it's more or less complete madness but if other people can run across a stoney desert surely you can run a few miles on a tarmac road?
Well we're up to 5 km.
26th January. Parallel Lives.
Still squeezing the cat's bladder twice a day...
It makes you think, if you could have seen the path your life would take, would you still have taken that road?
What would be really nice would be to have a Grand Reunion where all the various clones of oneself meet up to share their experience of life.
One interesting clone had just celebrated a 25th wedding anniversary with Junior's mother, he looks a little more tired than the others and wears a heavy knitted cardigan.
It makes you think, if you could have seen the path your life would take, would you still have taken that road?
What would be really nice would be to have a Grand Reunion where all the various clones of oneself meet up to share their experience of life.
One interesting clone had just celebrated a 25th wedding anniversary with Junior's mother, he looks a little more tired than the others and wears a heavy knitted cardigan.
25th January. Tar.
"Do you mind if I smoke?" says George after he'd finished his tuna and mayonnaise roll.
"It's up to you" I reply "It's your house'"
"Do you not believe me about the problems with tar in the chimney if you don't have a liner fitted?"
"No, no, I believe you alright, It's just that I'd be saving quite a lot of money."
I suppose if you took a long term view of smoking then you wouldn't smoke would you?
Maybe it's like the first sign of stains on the living room wall and I'll give you a call and we can put a liner in then,
or the first malignant lung biopsy and I'll definitely stop?
"It's up to you" I reply "It's your house'"
"Do you not believe me about the problems with tar in the chimney if you don't have a liner fitted?"
"No, no, I believe you alright, It's just that I'd be saving quite a lot of money."
I suppose if you took a long term view of smoking then you wouldn't smoke would you?
Maybe it's like the first sign of stains on the living room wall and I'll give you a call and we can put a liner in then,
or the first malignant lung biopsy and I'll definitely stop?
24th January. Random.
In a truly random sequence there are clusters of results which human beings are apt to attach meaning to or at least say 'that's weird'.
The P2's chimney is the house immediately next to the H's from just before Christmas, they don't know each other as the P2s haven't moved in yet, it's merely a coincidence.
I meet Mr H from next door when I'm leaving at night, we exchange pleasantries, he says "Mrs H was a bit worried because she read in the paper that your son had died at a very young age.
Quite.
I've heard of this doppelganger in a neighbourng town same name, same spelling and the same middle initial.
Merely a coincidence I assure him.
The P2's chimney is the house immediately next to the H's from just before Christmas, they don't know each other as the P2s haven't moved in yet, it's merely a coincidence.
I meet Mr H from next door when I'm leaving at night, we exchange pleasantries, he says "Mrs H was a bit worried because she read in the paper that your son had died at a very young age.
Quite.
I've heard of this doppelganger in a neighbourng town same name, same spelling and the same middle initial.
Merely a coincidence I assure him.
23rd January. Whistle While You Retire.
Mr P2 has the whistling disorder.
One of those happy chappies who is always whistling a cheerful but largely tuneless variation on an elusive theme.
I thought I picked up some well known folk melody at one point but maybe not, although that would fit given Mr P2's age, circumstance etc.
Mr P2 retired a year earlier than required, he talked of 'Computerisation' and 'younger guys coming through who were more nimble on the keyboard' when it came to 'Filling in the right boxes.'
Or maybe cheerful whistlers no longer fit in todays workplace?
One of those happy chappies who is always whistling a cheerful but largely tuneless variation on an elusive theme.
I thought I picked up some well known folk melody at one point but maybe not, although that would fit given Mr P2's age, circumstance etc.
Mr P2 retired a year earlier than required, he talked of 'Computerisation' and 'younger guys coming through who were more nimble on the keyboard' when it came to 'Filling in the right boxes.'
Or maybe cheerful whistlers no longer fit in todays workplace?
22nd January. I Am Not Legend.
It's Junior's 25th birthday, we go through to see 'I am Legend' and eat Italian meat balls.
I am near my overdraft limit.
I didn't think much of the meat balls or the flesh eating Zombies our man Will Smith encountered either.
The cost of employing Will must have consumed just about all the budget.
Is that because the appearance of Will Smith alone guarantees returns at the box office?
Like sticking the word Italian in front of meat balls?
I am near my overdraft limit.
I didn't think much of the meat balls or the flesh eating Zombies our man Will Smith encountered either.
The cost of employing Will must have consumed just about all the budget.
Is that because the appearance of Will Smith alone guarantees returns at the box office?
Like sticking the word Italian in front of meat balls?
20th January. Handbags And Motorbikes.
"I don't know what you need another motorbike for, you've already got one."
It's a bit like me saying "I don't know what you need another handbag for you've already got thirty."
It's not always easy to see the other person's position.
As I understand it, one handbag may only go with one or two pairs of shoes and fashion is also in a constant state of flux.
Accessories, especially bags, are a vital part of the look one is creating, some designers command prices that would pay for a weekly shop for the rest of one's natural.
Some motorbikes sound different from other ones.
It's a bit like me saying "I don't know what you need another handbag for you've already got thirty."
It's not always easy to see the other person's position.
As I understand it, one handbag may only go with one or two pairs of shoes and fashion is also in a constant state of flux.
Accessories, especially bags, are a vital part of the look one is creating, some designers command prices that would pay for a weekly shop for the rest of one's natural.
Some motorbikes sound different from other ones.
19th January. Scotland's First Femtown.
Falkland is the sort of village that women remark on as being 'cute'.
To emphasise this Isabelle was up out of bed sharpish because I'd mentioned that I had to be back there this morning - a Woman with a gripe, well a leak.
This was all the more unusual after going to bed about 5 am.
You should be getting a feel now for the drawing power of this fabled conservation village for women.
In fact much of Falkland is nowadays more or less a dormitory settlement for females, Social Workers and the like, who set off every morning to places like Edinburgh adding to the wear and tear on the Forth Road Bridge.
Saturday sees groups of visiting women trawling around the few emporia looking at 'cute' objects d'art, or chatting to other women in the overpriced cafe named after some historical female figure over a Latte and a fruit scone.
Isabelle made a few purchases, "Gifts".
To me some looked rather like stuffed fridge magnets.
This novelty item was a winner, obviously combining two aspects that appeal to women in one, ie: cushions, and 'heart warming' sentiments . Something in the vein of "Friends Are For Life Not Just For Christmas'.
They could have gone one better by filling it with something that smells 'nice' and that would be three in one, four if it was somehow edible and made of chocolate.
To emphasise this Isabelle was up out of bed sharpish because I'd mentioned that I had to be back there this morning - a Woman with a gripe, well a leak.
This was all the more unusual after going to bed about 5 am.
You should be getting a feel now for the drawing power of this fabled conservation village for women.
In fact much of Falkland is nowadays more or less a dormitory settlement for females, Social Workers and the like, who set off every morning to places like Edinburgh adding to the wear and tear on the Forth Road Bridge.
Saturday sees groups of visiting women trawling around the few emporia looking at 'cute' objects d'art, or chatting to other women in the overpriced cafe named after some historical female figure over a Latte and a fruit scone.
Isabelle made a few purchases, "Gifts".
To me some looked rather like stuffed fridge magnets.
This novelty item was a winner, obviously combining two aspects that appeal to women in one, ie: cushions, and 'heart warming' sentiments . Something in the vein of "Friends Are For Life Not Just For Christmas'.
They could have gone one better by filling it with something that smells 'nice' and that would be three in one, four if it was somehow edible and made of chocolate.
18th January. Tibetan Eye Chart.
It was hanging up in the G's downstairs loo for daily practice no doubt.
That looks interesting I thought I wonder what you're meant to do with it?
The instructions were detailed on the rear but not having my Tesco glasses with me I was left non the wiser.
That looks interesting I thought I wonder what you're meant to do with it?
The instructions were detailed on the rear but not having my Tesco glasses with me I was left non the wiser.
17th January. How To Spend £290 In Less Than Half A Second.
The Apple, newly returned to operational normality last week, tipped just beyond equilibrium when I pressed 'Print'.
Falling approximately 868mm to the wooden floor made a heavy thud followed by a stern rebuke from the environs of the television.
"It's still working I assured."
In the morning switching it on revealed a grey screen with an apple in the middle but nothing further even after half an hour.
"What could have caused that?" said the Apple repair man on the phone.
"I don't know..."
Falling approximately 868mm to the wooden floor made a heavy thud followed by a stern rebuke from the environs of the television.
"It's still working I assured."
In the morning switching it on revealed a grey screen with an apple in the middle but nothing further even after half an hour.
"What could have caused that?" said the Apple repair man on the phone.
"I don't know..."
14th January. Easy Listening With Concrete Blocks.
Mr G. works over some heavily arpeggiated popular classic seated at the Bechstein whilst I troop in and out of the front door with concrete blocks.
It could be The Beatles, it could be Elton John, it could be Abba, it could be the Archfiend! - Andrew Lloyd Webber.
It could be anything.
There are limits though, I suppose, to the rendition of popular music into a format for the piano.
I mean when did you last see 'The Jimi Hendrix Experience For Piano' or 'The Dead Kennedys Selected Examination Pieces Grade III'?
It could be The Beatles, it could be Elton John, it could be Abba, it could be the Archfiend! - Andrew Lloyd Webber.
It could be anything.
There are limits though, I suppose, to the rendition of popular music into a format for the piano.
I mean when did you last see 'The Jimi Hendrix Experience For Piano' or 'The Dead Kennedys Selected Examination Pieces Grade III'?
13th January. The Best Skiing for Five Years But Not Today.
Not only the best skiing but the only downhill skiing at all since about 1985 in my case.
The previous day queues for tows extended as far as the eye could see on account of all runs being complete and the remarkable sunny, windless and crisp weather.
Today queueing was much reduced, the situation had been normalized like the weather, horizontal rain and sleet.
Young D. who was being 'introduced' to snow sports for the first time kicked up a bit of a fuss, first of all about the tightness of his plastic boots in much the same way the accused might have reacted to the Inquisition's copper equivalents during the pouring in of molten lead.
Isabelle didn't hire any boots, skis or sticks having been emotionally scarred by an 'introduction' to downhill at a similar age.
The previous day queues for tows extended as far as the eye could see on account of all runs being complete and the remarkable sunny, windless and crisp weather.
Today queueing was much reduced, the situation had been normalized like the weather, horizontal rain and sleet.
Young D. who was being 'introduced' to snow sports for the first time kicked up a bit of a fuss, first of all about the tightness of his plastic boots in much the same way the accused might have reacted to the Inquisition's copper equivalents during the pouring in of molten lead.
Isabelle didn't hire any boots, skis or sticks having been emotionally scarred by an 'introduction' to downhill at a similar age.
12th January. Why Andrew Lloyd Webber Should be Boiled Alive.
"Can you turn it down a bit?' I said raising my voice above the Phantom Of The Opera on Channel four.
"NOT DURING THIS SONG!" yelled Isabelle.
Why this song? I thought privately, they all sound the bloody same - every composition of what is considered Britains most celebrated writer of Musicals.
To be fair every composer or band only writes one song, then spins it out with variations until everyone's heartily sick of it.
Marc Bolan, for instance: di-dit dit, di-dit dit and so on.
or AC/DC: Dah! da-dah! da-dah! da-dah! (repeat),
Frankly my idea of hell would be to have to listen to The Phantom of The Opera for eternity or probably any 'Musical',
certainly anything from the pen of A.L.W.
And that is why Andrew Lloyd Webber should be boiled alive, not only as a punishment befitting his crimes but also as a deterrant to other would be composers.
"NOT DURING THIS SONG!" yelled Isabelle.
Why this song? I thought privately, they all sound the bloody same - every composition of what is considered Britains most celebrated writer of Musicals.
To be fair every composer or band only writes one song, then spins it out with variations until everyone's heartily sick of it.
Marc Bolan, for instance: di-dit dit, di-dit dit and so on.
or AC/DC: Dah! da-dah! da-dah! da-dah! (repeat),
Frankly my idea of hell would be to have to listen to The Phantom of The Opera for eternity or probably any 'Musical',
certainly anything from the pen of A.L.W.
And that is why Andrew Lloyd Webber should be boiled alive, not only as a punishment befitting his crimes but also as a deterrant to other would be composers.
11th January. The House of Sadness.
Sliding sideways off the main road on the compacted slush the 'House of Sadness' swung into view, once again.
And there, still leaning against the chimney stack, glinting in the winter sun was thirty feet of heavy weight aluminium extension ladders.
No news had indeed been good news.
"We were a bit worried during the night though" quoted Mrs C, "Quite a lot of rattling."
If the ladders had blown over and gone through the windscreen of the local bus it would have only been further confirmation of the jinxed nature of the address.
Local rumour has it that relationships seem to run foul of some dark force within.
"He used to tie his wife to the bed" I heard say, of some previous occupants.
Not in some mutually agreed transaction of pain and pleasure, more as one would tie up a Jack Russell whose incessant yapping began to get on one's nerves.
And there, still leaning against the chimney stack, glinting in the winter sun was thirty feet of heavy weight aluminium extension ladders.
No news had indeed been good news.
"We were a bit worried during the night though" quoted Mrs C, "Quite a lot of rattling."
If the ladders had blown over and gone through the windscreen of the local bus it would have only been further confirmation of the jinxed nature of the address.
Local rumour has it that relationships seem to run foul of some dark force within.
"He used to tie his wife to the bed" I heard say, of some previous occupants.
Not in some mutually agreed transaction of pain and pleasure, more as one would tie up a Jack Russell whose incessant yapping began to get on one's nerves.
10th January. Cracking on With Fettling Up The Nest
The G's are Empty-Nesters.
As time goes on and any given couple joins the ranks of the Greys, people stop asking the question: "So are you going to have any children?"
It's something that no longer hangs in the air, something that never need be considered again, a chapter in the book of married life that is now closed like an auction on eBay.
One cannot e-mail the almighty to see if some other arrangement can be made.
The G's have three dogs, a donkey, a pony and some other livestock, these will have to suffice.
Of course at their time of life they'd probably be in much the same position anyway as any nestlings would now be fledglings.
As time goes on and any given couple joins the ranks of the Greys, people stop asking the question: "So are you going to have any children?"
It's something that no longer hangs in the air, something that never need be considered again, a chapter in the book of married life that is now closed like an auction on eBay.
One cannot e-mail the almighty to see if some other arrangement can be made.
The G's have three dogs, a donkey, a pony and some other livestock, these will have to suffice.
Of course at their time of life they'd probably be in much the same position anyway as any nestlings would now be fledglings.
9th January. More 'Severe' Weather.
The phone rang as soon as I got in the door, someone leaving a message -Mrs C. going on about something.
I lifted the receiver "The stove's looking very good but do you know there are severe gales forecast tonight? Do you think the ladders will be alright?"
In my mind any mention of 'severe' weather can be ignored in these days of Health & Safety and the nanny state.
"Oh it should be alright" I assured her "They're tied on at the top of the chimney stack."
"Is there anything else we can do?" she asked,
"Not really."
Despite, or maybe because of, the huge weight of the three section ladders I began to doubt the veracity of this dismissal in the middle of the night.
Isabelle claimed she was kept awake all night by the roaring of the wind, reports are of the roof being torn off new student accomodation in Dundee, so far I've heard nothing from Mrs C.
I lifted the receiver "The stove's looking very good but do you know there are severe gales forecast tonight? Do you think the ladders will be alright?"
In my mind any mention of 'severe' weather can be ignored in these days of Health & Safety and the nanny state.
"Oh it should be alright" I assured her "They're tied on at the top of the chimney stack."
"Is there anything else we can do?" she asked,
"Not really."
Despite, or maybe because of, the huge weight of the three section ladders I began to doubt the veracity of this dismissal in the middle of the night.
Isabelle claimed she was kept awake all night by the roaring of the wind, reports are of the roof being torn off new student accomodation in Dundee, so far I've heard nothing from Mrs C.
5th January. Off The Rails - Spectacularly.
A vivid dream of a man who looked a lot like me trying to slow the progress of a runaway steam locomotive which was slowly gathering speed down a hill.
The man, who was holding onto a rope and attempting to dig his heels in, was having no effect.
He let go the rope as several hundred tons of loco sped off down the hill derailing at the first bend.
It then continued through a field of raspberry canes heading towards an isolated bungalow with conservatory attached.
The train ploughed straight through the sun lounge before coming to rest down near the river Tay.
"That'll be a job getting that back on track" I comment.
The man, who was holding onto a rope and attempting to dig his heels in, was having no effect.
He let go the rope as several hundred tons of loco sped off down the hill derailing at the first bend.
It then continued through a field of raspberry canes heading towards an isolated bungalow with conservatory attached.
The train ploughed straight through the sun lounge before coming to rest down near the river Tay.
"That'll be a job getting that back on track" I comment.
3rd January. Wintry - My Arse!
All very Christmasy out in the wilds, with dire warnings of so called 'severe' weather, a description which would cause residents in Montreal to collapse over their snow shovels.
Would you look at these poor pathetic drivers crawling along, I thought as I gunned it out of Airlie Place, late afternoon.
You see people just aren't used to driving in the snow anymore because it's such a rarity.
However with all the weight in the rear of the Daihatsu and no longer having the luxury of 4WD, (see previous) I immediately ended up performing a 180 degree turn in front of an oncoming car coming to rest pointing due north instead of due south.
Would you look at these poor pathetic drivers crawling along, I thought as I gunned it out of Airlie Place, late afternoon.
You see people just aren't used to driving in the snow anymore because it's such a rarity.
However with all the weight in the rear of the Daihatsu and no longer having the luxury of 4WD, (see previous) I immediately ended up performing a 180 degree turn in front of an oncoming car coming to rest pointing due north instead of due south.
2nd January. National Doom And Gloom Day.
Having been cured of innate foreboding (see previous) the 2nd of January brings with it a sense only of having come full circle back to the starting point, although not quite...
The 2nd of January is like that Scottish Country Dance when having gone through the prescribed motions and arrived back at the beginning we all move round one place to face a new partner - 2008.
However by this time it may be that accordion music has lost some of it's appeal.
Somebody should shoot the Accordionist.
The 2nd of January is like that Scottish Country Dance when having gone through the prescribed motions and arrived back at the beginning we all move round one place to face a new partner - 2008.
However by this time it may be that accordion music has lost some of it's appeal.
Somebody should shoot the Accordionist.
1st January. Sheltered Housing Exciting New Year.
Having glanced at the local paper I considered raiding my brother's drawerful of unused Viagra prescription and bringing in the New Year with 'Brooke - slim, friendly, blonde, 0776349...'
It could have been money well spent if Brooke was in her mid-twenties with the body of a Supermodel but that seemed unlikely and to be honest I couldn't be bothered going out as far as the Cashline at Sainsburys.
Poor reception limited viewing to a very unfunny Graham Norton and highlights on S4C from a sort of T in The Park in Welsh, featuring various bands famous in Wales but obviously nowhere else.
By Sheltered Housing standards it was a very late night when I finally got into bed with a mug of cocoa, 11.20pm.
It could have been money well spent if Brooke was in her mid-twenties with the body of a Supermodel but that seemed unlikely and to be honest I couldn't be bothered going out as far as the Cashline at Sainsburys.
Poor reception limited viewing to a very unfunny Graham Norton and highlights on S4C from a sort of T in The Park in Welsh, featuring various bands famous in Wales but obviously nowhere else.
By Sheltered Housing standards it was a very late night when I finally got into bed with a mug of cocoa, 11.20pm.
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