"How's things going at the care home any more popped off lately?" I quizzed my brother.
"A couple of the older ones, one old lady was over a hundred."
"What about the staff turnover, still the same old faces?"
"Well a couple of them got the sack."
"Yeah?"
"Someone found them in bed together with a huge dildo during the night shift."
"?"
30th August. Clocking In With Mother.
Off on another visit to see Mother. Typically:
"How's your good lady wife?"
"You can't remember her name can you?"
"Yes I can!"
Lately Mother had been getting a bit raj with the care home staff ringing the bell forty times in the night, stuff like that.
Honestly I don't know how they can put up with it, I don't think I'd be cut out for a caring career.
Anyway she's been doped up to some extent, in retrospect it might have been better if they'd done that at some earlier stage, maybe before I started at Primary school?
It's a funny way of putting it: 'The Caring Professions'.
An Uncaring Professional:
"I don't give a *uck! if you ring that bell once more you're going out of the window and that's a *ucking promise!"
"How's your good lady wife?"
"You can't remember her name can you?"
"Yes I can!"
Lately Mother had been getting a bit raj with the care home staff ringing the bell forty times in the night, stuff like that.
Honestly I don't know how they can put up with it, I don't think I'd be cut out for a caring career.
Anyway she's been doped up to some extent, in retrospect it might have been better if they'd done that at some earlier stage, maybe before I started at Primary school?
It's a funny way of putting it: 'The Caring Professions'.
An Uncaring Professional:
"I don't give a *uck! if you ring that bell once more you're going out of the window and that's a *ucking promise!"
29th August. Might As Well Face It, You're Addicted To - Tea?
Despite the ill-feeling about not getting any tea at the R's I still couldn't help agreeing to "have a look at" ie put right the lean on an entirely different chimney pot.
"I just noticed it was at a funny angle when I looked up the other day" is how Mrs R. put it.
Now if tea had been forthcoming I'd have been only too glad, instead it was an irksome task all because of, well not just the attitude to the worker - by 3pm I was getting a bit grouchy on the caffeine front.
Not only that, on a fairly short drive home I could feel myself going a bit cross-eyed at the wheel and with the indicators being a bit temperamental on the trailer it could be confusing to other drivers.
On arrival at our turning I am waiting to turn right a car looms larger and larger in the wing mirror then flashes its lights (WTF is that guy stopped in the middle of the road for?)
This light flashing annoys me slightly even though everything is my fault.
I could get out and have an argument, a road rage incident, just for the sake of a couple of tea bags?
"I just noticed it was at a funny angle when I looked up the other day" is how Mrs R. put it.
Now if tea had been forthcoming I'd have been only too glad, instead it was an irksome task all because of, well not just the attitude to the worker - by 3pm I was getting a bit grouchy on the caffeine front.
Not only that, on a fairly short drive home I could feel myself going a bit cross-eyed at the wheel and with the indicators being a bit temperamental on the trailer it could be confusing to other drivers.
On arrival at our turning I am waiting to turn right a car looms larger and larger in the wing mirror then flashes its lights (WTF is that guy stopped in the middle of the road for?)
This light flashing annoys me slightly even though everything is my fault.
I could get out and have an argument, a road rage incident, just for the sake of a couple of tea bags?
28th July. Tea & Cakes?
Approximately 98% of customers will provide tea.
Mrs R. provided one the first day following a request in the morning but that was it.
If only people like Mrs R knew how much difference two or three tea bags could make to the finished job.
The reason for this is caffeine withdrawl.
By about 3 pm when Mrs R. was making merry with some trade rep in the adjoining kitchen, probably including a teapot in the proceedings, I find myself a little more impatient than normal.
Some cement falls off the wall, I want to yell out:
"FOR *UCKS SAKE WOMAN GIVE ME A CUP OF TEA!
Mrs R. provided one the first day following a request in the morning but that was it.
If only people like Mrs R knew how much difference two or three tea bags could make to the finished job.
The reason for this is caffeine withdrawl.
By about 3 pm when Mrs R. was making merry with some trade rep in the adjoining kitchen, probably including a teapot in the proceedings, I find myself a little more impatient than normal.
Some cement falls off the wall, I want to yell out:
"FOR *UCKS SAKE WOMAN GIVE ME A CUP OF TEA!
27th August. Farmer Types.
"Look at that!" exclaimed Mrs R. raising a fashionable boot knee high and squashing the defenceless creature under the smooth leather sole on the wall of the living room.
"I hate spiders! - Don't worry, the decorators are coming in at the end of the week" she added probably misreading the cause of my expression.
I could never live with Mrs R. given the hypothetical possibility, maybe I've spent too long with Isabelle who would have had me drive it to a "new home" or even a vet.
Sex with Mrs R. must be in a similar vein, all loud exclamations of triumph YES YES YEEEEEEESSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I imagine Mr R. fresh from punching holes in the ears of cattle while they're heads are locked in one of those contraptions out in the yard, then waving his arms about and roaring to get them to do exactly what he wants.
'AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!! AAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!
"I hate spiders! - Don't worry, the decorators are coming in at the end of the week" she added probably misreading the cause of my expression.
I could never live with Mrs R. given the hypothetical possibility, maybe I've spent too long with Isabelle who would have had me drive it to a "new home" or even a vet.
Sex with Mrs R. must be in a similar vein, all loud exclamations of triumph YES YES YEEEEEEESSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I imagine Mr R. fresh from punching holes in the ears of cattle while they're heads are locked in one of those contraptions out in the yard, then waving his arms about and roaring to get them to do exactly what he wants.
'AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!! AAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!
26th August. Mice.
The hen house was due a clearout prior to conversion to what should be something like a newsagents full of magazines, that way Isabelle can sit surrounded by them instead of me being surrounded by them in every room in the house.
The place was full of several years of hen poo (the deep litter method) and generations of mice that had thrived on the corn living a life of leisure doing what mice do.
In fact isabelle had remarked that the last time she used the clothes dryer there had been a hellish squeaking noise when she switched it on.
Needless to say there were many mice all different sizes which took refuge in various holes as the cleaning began, some came out of the clothes dryer itself, I said "We better see if it still works"
I plugged it in, the light came on but the motor just went ERRRRRRRRRRR and nothing happened, so I got the thing outside and there were mice looking out of the fan bit. "Ohh! look at their little faces, they're so cute!" said Isabelle.
Anyway these rodents had built a nest inside the actual fan and filled it up with shredded cardboard and chicken feathers, jamming it up completely . "Bloody mice!" I said, there was about a dozen still inside there.
Eventually the mice were dislodged and took off under the hedge but one got a rude awakening when an older hen pecked at it, there was a loud squeak.
The day of the mice ended when I'd taken all the junk three miles to the skips, there was a mouse running round in the trailer.
Having caught it in a tupperware I said to Isabelle "I've got one of our mice down here at the skips what do you want me to do with it? Release it here to make a new life in the town or bring it back with the others?
"Oh bring it back with the rest of its family"
What is it about mice and handbags?
The place was full of several years of hen poo (the deep litter method) and generations of mice that had thrived on the corn living a life of leisure doing what mice do.
In fact isabelle had remarked that the last time she used the clothes dryer there had been a hellish squeaking noise when she switched it on.
Needless to say there were many mice all different sizes which took refuge in various holes as the cleaning began, some came out of the clothes dryer itself, I said "We better see if it still works"
I plugged it in, the light came on but the motor just went ERRRRRRRRRRR and nothing happened, so I got the thing outside and there were mice looking out of the fan bit. "Ohh! look at their little faces, they're so cute!" said Isabelle.
Anyway these rodents had built a nest inside the actual fan and filled it up with shredded cardboard and chicken feathers, jamming it up completely . "Bloody mice!" I said, there was about a dozen still inside there.
Eventually the mice were dislodged and took off under the hedge but one got a rude awakening when an older hen pecked at it, there was a loud squeak.
The day of the mice ended when I'd taken all the junk three miles to the skips, there was a mouse running round in the trailer.
Having caught it in a tupperware I said to Isabelle "I've got one of our mice down here at the skips what do you want me to do with it? Release it here to make a new life in the town or bring it back with the others?
"Oh bring it back with the rest of its family"
What is it about mice and handbags?
23rd August. Don't Try To Tell Me I'm Like You.
It's official, according to that book I've been reading, I'm officially 'A Weirdo".
There's a battery of tests at the back, some of which you could say were a bit subjective, to see whereabouts in the spectrum of Autism one falls.
The first test, the least subjective, involves pictures of eyes "Choose which word best describes what the person is thinking or feeling."
I thought I'd done Ok with it but only scored 23 out of 36. Alistair, who I thought would be worse than me got 27, and Isabelle scored 32.
This inability to read peoples reactions gives a general impression of being odd. (Believe me)
As for the questions to give your Autism Quotient; Alistair 20, Isabelle 18 both average, Me 34, anything above 32 - very high.
To go back to reading facial expressions - there was a classic case a few years ago with Isabelle's Grandad, at that time in his nineties.
We'd gone round for dinner at their residential home (a meal which he was paying for) and a two piece band was playing while we were dining.
He said to me of the French Canadian duo "What d'you think of this music?" quite candidly I'd answered to the effect of "Yes it's completely crap isn't it." Obviously misreading his expression and intention.
I was absolutely mortified to be asked later what on earth it was I'd said to have practically given him a heart attack, a reaction which also had gone completely over my head.
There's a battery of tests at the back, some of which you could say were a bit subjective, to see whereabouts in the spectrum of Autism one falls.
The first test, the least subjective, involves pictures of eyes "Choose which word best describes what the person is thinking or feeling."
I thought I'd done Ok with it but only scored 23 out of 36. Alistair, who I thought would be worse than me got 27, and Isabelle scored 32.
This inability to read peoples reactions gives a general impression of being odd. (Believe me)
As for the questions to give your Autism Quotient; Alistair 20, Isabelle 18 both average, Me 34, anything above 32 - very high.
To go back to reading facial expressions - there was a classic case a few years ago with Isabelle's Grandad, at that time in his nineties.
We'd gone round for dinner at their residential home (a meal which he was paying for) and a two piece band was playing while we were dining.
He said to me of the French Canadian duo "What d'you think of this music?" quite candidly I'd answered to the effect of "Yes it's completely crap isn't it." Obviously misreading his expression and intention.
I was absolutely mortified to be asked later what on earth it was I'd said to have practically given him a heart attack, a reaction which also had gone completely over my head.
22nd August. Killer.
Isabelle thought it would be fun to name the cats from the Kleen-eze man Pete and Dud but we should have called them something like spick and span or Cillit and Bang!
Dud turned out to be a bit of a neurological case and disappeared, possibly for Hollywood, though for a while I thought he might be mummifying in one of the upstairs rooms.
Pete is a bit over-friendly which disguises his killer nature - a penchant for tangling himself amongst any passing feet and legs, presently he restricts himself to the kitchen in training for the stairs.
He should make an ideal pet for the older person, the partially sighted or someone with Brittle Bone disease.
Dud turned out to be a bit of a neurological case and disappeared, possibly for Hollywood, though for a while I thought he might be mummifying in one of the upstairs rooms.
Pete is a bit over-friendly which disguises his killer nature - a penchant for tangling himself amongst any passing feet and legs, presently he restricts himself to the kitchen in training for the stairs.
He should make an ideal pet for the older person, the partially sighted or someone with Brittle Bone disease.
21st August. Proceed To Checkout.
In the process of fufilling another life's ambition.
That is to go on a 'family holiday', across the generations, so to speak, which never happened with my father due to an early departure for the Final Destination, anyway I'm sure it would have been an emotional disaster...
Through the medium of Last Minute.com I've booked two double rooms in Montmartre where all the tourists go in Paris but its not completely crawling with Dames of the Rue, if memory serves.
'Junior' and 'Mrs Junior possibly to be' take up one room and we're in the other.
Mind you we did go away with Mother on a few SAGA holidays, which made Isabelle feel young, the last one in Tenerife was pretty hard going but I didn't fully realise just how far gone Mother was, she definitely won't be going away much now.
Two years and I'll be legitimately able to join the ranks of the grey vacationers but that was never a big ambition of mine.
This Paris thing will be a new experience and I daresay an expensive one.
That is to go on a 'family holiday', across the generations, so to speak, which never happened with my father due to an early departure for the Final Destination, anyway I'm sure it would have been an emotional disaster...
Through the medium of Last Minute.com I've booked two double rooms in Montmartre where all the tourists go in Paris but its not completely crawling with Dames of the Rue, if memory serves.
'Junior' and 'Mrs Junior possibly to be' take up one room and we're in the other.
Mind you we did go away with Mother on a few SAGA holidays, which made Isabelle feel young, the last one in Tenerife was pretty hard going but I didn't fully realise just how far gone Mother was, she definitely won't be going away much now.
Two years and I'll be legitimately able to join the ranks of the grey vacationers but that was never a big ambition of mine.
This Paris thing will be a new experience and I daresay an expensive one.
20th August. Quite High Functioning - Thank You Very Much.
Created a trailer load of rubble today and when Mrs J. gave me a cup of tea I continued reading about Asbergers Syndrome and the general spectrum of Autism.
Course the teenage years are the hardest, relating to groups proves the most difficult, typically the A.S. person prefers constructional pastimes and normally goes through a series of obsessions and is interested chiefly in mechanics, Physics, maths, anything that can be 'understood'.
In adulthood if they're bright enough they may find a specialist niche possibly in the world of Academia where their oddness by coincidence is usually tolerated.
Failing that they can end up depressed by feeling apart from the norm or may find a solitary occupation such as working at height combined with rubble creation.
The telephone presents particular difficulties (I'm sorry did I get you out of bed?) (No I always sound like this).
Often they will marry outside of their own ethinicity, where their social ineptness is less obvious.
The main problem is finding the rules that govern such things as chit-chat.
There are a couple of manuals I haven't found yet -'The Layman's Guide to Everyday Intonation.'
and 'Eye Contact - Suggested Timings (UK)'
Course the teenage years are the hardest, relating to groups proves the most difficult, typically the A.S. person prefers constructional pastimes and normally goes through a series of obsessions and is interested chiefly in mechanics, Physics, maths, anything that can be 'understood'.
In adulthood if they're bright enough they may find a specialist niche possibly in the world of Academia where their oddness by coincidence is usually tolerated.
Failing that they can end up depressed by feeling apart from the norm or may find a solitary occupation such as working at height combined with rubble creation.
The telephone presents particular difficulties (I'm sorry did I get you out of bed?) (No I always sound like this).
Often they will marry outside of their own ethinicity, where their social ineptness is less obvious.
The main problem is finding the rules that govern such things as chit-chat.
There are a couple of manuals I haven't found yet -'The Layman's Guide to Everyday Intonation.'
and 'Eye Contact - Suggested Timings (UK)'
19th August. Cider With Callum.
Conclusive evidence this morning that overeating, consuming a wide range of alcohol to excess including industrial cider, smoking cigars, then going to sleep in a puddle can make you ill.
"You don't happen to have a woolly hat at all do you?" asked Callum already attired in one of my fleeces, Sou'wester and long johns.
Whilst huddling in front of the breakfast barbeque for warmth his face mysteriously showed different colours.
"I was sick three times in the night and spent quite a while on the toilet."
It's possible that an Hawaiian shirt alone wasn't the best clothing choice for twelve hours in heavy rain either, tut, tut, Young People? eh?
There was also general agreement, that tents for less than £15 from Tesco are really only suitable for indoor camping.
"You don't happen to have a woolly hat at all do you?" asked Callum already attired in one of my fleeces, Sou'wester and long johns.
Whilst huddling in front of the breakfast barbeque for warmth his face mysteriously showed different colours.
"I was sick three times in the night and spent quite a while on the toilet."
It's possible that an Hawaiian shirt alone wasn't the best clothing choice for twelve hours in heavy rain either, tut, tut, Young People? eh?
There was also general agreement, that tents for less than £15 from Tesco are really only suitable for indoor camping.
18th August. Festival of Mud and Fire.
The forecast of 'light' rain proved slightly wide of the mark - persistent downpour would have been more accurate.
Ostrich turned out surprisingly meaty but the estimated cooking time was similarly a bit off.
Events that followed confirmed that alcohol, bonfires, plastic tarpaulins and old engine oil do not mix favourably.
In the process of geeing up the blazing logs with the oil and at the same time having covered the scaffolding arrangement with a brand new tarpaulin to keep the rain off the fire, I'm afraid I was a little cavalier oilwise...(Under the direction of Alistair who seems to have a thing about fire and explosions like a lot of men.)
"You always seem to want a big fire as soon as you're drunk." commented Isabelle to me, afterwards.
The results mimicked a chip pan fire but on a much larger scale, simultaneously melting the tarpaulin and setting fire to more than one coat that had been hung up in an effort to dry them.
Young Fraser's new back to school wear was one casualty, requiring immediate replacement from Matalan first thing the next morning.
I hear His Mother (Mrs Alistair) was not amused.
Ostrich turned out surprisingly meaty but the estimated cooking time was similarly a bit off.
Events that followed confirmed that alcohol, bonfires, plastic tarpaulins and old engine oil do not mix favourably.
In the process of geeing up the blazing logs with the oil and at the same time having covered the scaffolding arrangement with a brand new tarpaulin to keep the rain off the fire, I'm afraid I was a little cavalier oilwise...(Under the direction of Alistair who seems to have a thing about fire and explosions like a lot of men.)
"You always seem to want a big fire as soon as you're drunk." commented Isabelle to me, afterwards.
The results mimicked a chip pan fire but on a much larger scale, simultaneously melting the tarpaulin and setting fire to more than one coat that had been hung up in an effort to dry them.
Young Fraser's new back to school wear was one casualty, requiring immediate replacement from Matalan first thing the next morning.
I hear His Mother (Mrs Alistair) was not amused.
17th August. Perfect weather.
Today was perfect weather for a barbeque but we're having it tomorrow, the forecast being rain.
I could easily make a cover for the spit roast out of the remains of a Homebase gazebo although in the event of it catching fire the results could make the pages of the national dailys.
Molten plastic sheeting collapsing on any hopeful ostrich diner may result in a sort of Napalm effect.
I could easily make a cover for the spit roast out of the remains of a Homebase gazebo although in the event of it catching fire the results could make the pages of the national dailys.
Molten plastic sheeting collapsing on any hopeful ostrich diner may result in a sort of Napalm effect.
16th August. Chocolate Tart Shopping.
I stand around in Marks & Spencers food department, which has undergone a remodelling since I was last there, everything is either black or stainless matching todays kitchens that no one ever cooks anything in.
We are here to take delivery of a collection of chocolate tarts which haven't turned up, supposedly for the grand BBQ, the cost of which has risen to a height comparable with K2.
Idly I watch a youngish affluent looking couple, she picks up various oven-ready meals paying close attention to the labels, turning periodically to put her selection into the trolley.
This is pushed along by the man a few paces behind. He seems to play little part in the eventual choices but has a pocket calculator in one hand and appears to be keeping a tally, Why?
M & S surely isn't the place for the commited penny pincher?
Maybe they follow a very strict regime where he lays down the law, one of the rulings being: 'My Wife is allowed to spend no more than precisely £13.50 on M&S convenience food every third thursday of the month.'
We are here to take delivery of a collection of chocolate tarts which haven't turned up, supposedly for the grand BBQ, the cost of which has risen to a height comparable with K2.
Idly I watch a youngish affluent looking couple, she picks up various oven-ready meals paying close attention to the labels, turning periodically to put her selection into the trolley.
This is pushed along by the man a few paces behind. He seems to play little part in the eventual choices but has a pocket calculator in one hand and appears to be keeping a tally, Why?
M & S surely isn't the place for the commited penny pincher?
Maybe they follow a very strict regime where he lays down the law, one of the rulings being: 'My Wife is allowed to spend no more than precisely £13.50 on M&S convenience food every third thursday of the month.'
15th August. Accidents Will Happen.
Mr P tells me that he's currently undergoing six months of physiotherapy, has to sleep on his back and knocks back painkillers like they're going out of fashion.
"It's as painful now as when I first did it."
It was obvious on first meeting Mr P. that he had suffered a serious injury to his upper arm (broken in two places) as it was all in a cast.
I wondered what he'd done? Snowboarding in Colorado? A high speed motorcycle crash? Fallen off a horse? And yet, there seemed no other signs of injury not even the mildest of abrasions.
It certainly had been a very low speed crash. Mr P. had fallen over in the living room on to...the floor? The strange thing is, it wasn't even a concrete floor, just a chipboard one.
Mrs P had said " What are you doing down there?"
He answered "I can't get up - I think I may need to go to hospital."
"You what...?"
"It's as painful now as when I first did it."
It was obvious on first meeting Mr P. that he had suffered a serious injury to his upper arm (broken in two places) as it was all in a cast.
I wondered what he'd done? Snowboarding in Colorado? A high speed motorcycle crash? Fallen off a horse? And yet, there seemed no other signs of injury not even the mildest of abrasions.
It certainly had been a very low speed crash. Mr P. had fallen over in the living room on to...the floor? The strange thing is, it wasn't even a concrete floor, just a chipboard one.
Mrs P had said " What are you doing down there?"
He answered "I can't get up - I think I may need to go to hospital."
"You what...?"
14th August. BBQ Latest.
The countdown is on for the 2007 adventure cooking experience.
This year involves a re-formed Ostrich, the supplier claims that the whole bird cannot be spit roasted, as it ends up all glued together inside and inedible.
The answer is a pile of chopped up Ostrich which, i'm thinking, can then be stuffed into a wire mesh affair then rotated over the fire, for about the same time as a deer or sheep, ie ages.
Ostrich meat never really caught on, some people would maybe prefer chicken?
Isabelle would never allow it but at least half a dozen cockerels would make a nice giant kebab and the campers wouldn't have to wake up at 5.30am either.
This year involves a re-formed Ostrich, the supplier claims that the whole bird cannot be spit roasted, as it ends up all glued together inside and inedible.
The answer is a pile of chopped up Ostrich which, i'm thinking, can then be stuffed into a wire mesh affair then rotated over the fire, for about the same time as a deer or sheep, ie ages.
Ostrich meat never really caught on, some people would maybe prefer chicken?
Isabelle would never allow it but at least half a dozen cockerels would make a nice giant kebab and the campers wouldn't have to wake up at 5.30am either.
13th August. A Fundamental Dichotomy Arises.
Met a chap who works in recruitment to the oil and gas industry. He's been tasked with finding twenty people with a Degree in Engineering, like me.
I said, look my CV is completely blank since 1980,
"That's not a problem."
Apparently Mechanical Engineers are so thin on the ground that they're willing to put anyone even a Gerbil with a relevant degree through some kind of conversion process.
Then they pay you Seventy grand a year, that's the rub.
It's a classic case, would you rather be in an office chasing other people up and earn three times as much as present.
Or drive around playing at chimney lining never seeming to make enough?
Other factors include moving to Aberdeen for at least five days a week which isn't good but also being fed up with chimneys.
I said, look my CV is completely blank since 1980,
"That's not a problem."
Apparently Mechanical Engineers are so thin on the ground that they're willing to put anyone even a Gerbil with a relevant degree through some kind of conversion process.
Then they pay you Seventy grand a year, that's the rub.
It's a classic case, would you rather be in an office chasing other people up and earn three times as much as present.
Or drive around playing at chimney lining never seeming to make enough?
Other factors include moving to Aberdeen for at least five days a week which isn't good but also being fed up with chimneys.
12th August. Glamis Prom.
If you've ever wondered what attending the Grand Scottish Prom is like I can tell you.
First of all wait for an evening when it's raining, then put the speakers of your stereo outside. Set up a deck chair and sit down in full waterproofs with a bottle of red wine and a packet of individual scotch eggs until you start to get heartburn.
Listen to a selection of popular classics in the gathering gloom and save twenty five quid, just remember not to drive, unless you don't really need your licence.
First of all wait for an evening when it's raining, then put the speakers of your stereo outside. Set up a deck chair and sit down in full waterproofs with a bottle of red wine and a packet of individual scotch eggs until you start to get heartburn.
Listen to a selection of popular classics in the gathering gloom and save twenty five quid, just remember not to drive, unless you don't really need your licence.
11th August. I Take It All Back.
Due to pressure of time the interment of the deceased Hettie had been held over.
On my return home the now much less rigid hen was still lying on the garden seat - however something shocking was going on.
'Puffson' the self-stimulator had crossed that invisible boundary and unwittingly joined the ranks of Bundy and Dahmer.
As Irving Welsh so aptly put it: "The *unt certainly went down in my estimation"
On my return home the now much less rigid hen was still lying on the garden seat - however something shocking was going on.
'Puffson' the self-stimulator had crossed that invisible boundary and unwittingly joined the ranks of Bundy and Dahmer.
As Irving Welsh so aptly put it: "The *unt certainly went down in my estimation"
10th August. They Draw The Line At Necrophilia.
When I arrived back home there was a dead chicken on the garden seat, stiff as a board.
"So poor old Hettie finally popped her clogs then?"
"Yes I found her slumped over inside the hen house, I think she just died of old age."
Old age and infirmity had done little to dampen the ardour of any of the three cockerels still at liberty. If anything her state of health (or lack of it) had made her a more attractive target.
The proclivities of the male domestic fowl have few endearing qualities, in general it's conduct towards the female and specifically a complete disregard of the incest taboo.
At best it's sexual mores could be described as refreshingly un-P.C.
However I notice that despite, or rather because of Hettie's immobility, molestation has now ceased permanently.
Even 'Puffson' the self-abusing chicken is giving her a wide berth.
"So poor old Hettie finally popped her clogs then?"
"Yes I found her slumped over inside the hen house, I think she just died of old age."
Old age and infirmity had done little to dampen the ardour of any of the three cockerels still at liberty. If anything her state of health (or lack of it) had made her a more attractive target.
The proclivities of the male domestic fowl have few endearing qualities, in general it's conduct towards the female and specifically a complete disregard of the incest taboo.
At best it's sexual mores could be described as refreshingly un-P.C.
However I notice that despite, or rather because of Hettie's immobility, molestation has now ceased permanently.
Even 'Puffson' the self-abusing chicken is giving her a wide berth.
9th August. Pussywatch.
Another expensive meal out and Al, now part of the ex-pat community in 'Driving over Lemonsville', was making the case for not having an Internet presence.
"It takes you away from the here and now - another way of absenting, I 've got better things to do like watching the cats play together."
Which is nice but I've met other people, usually the over fifties, (Al has recently turned the big five-0), who say "What do I need a computer for?"
The answer is I don't know, "What if you want to fly with Easyjet?"
"Oh I just ask someone to book it for me?'
"Well what about if you want to buy an obscure book without leaving your living room?"
"I don't read."
"What if you wanted to know the complete lyrics to Manfred Mann's 1967 working of 'Quinn The Eskimo (The Mighty Quinn)'?"
"?"
Etc etc...
It may actually be a blessing for Al (and I did mention this last night), not to have access to endless dubious sites catering for every known predilection, all from the comfort of your own home - given such a notable track record regarding appetite for the 'fairer sex.'
Course I'm only saying this because he tells me "I try not read your blog."
"It takes you away from the here and now - another way of absenting, I 've got better things to do like watching the cats play together."
Which is nice but I've met other people, usually the over fifties, (Al has recently turned the big five-0), who say "What do I need a computer for?"
The answer is I don't know, "What if you want to fly with Easyjet?"
"Oh I just ask someone to book it for me?'
"Well what about if you want to buy an obscure book without leaving your living room?"
"I don't read."
"What if you wanted to know the complete lyrics to Manfred Mann's 1967 working of 'Quinn The Eskimo (The Mighty Quinn)'?"
"?"
Etc etc...
It may actually be a blessing for Al (and I did mention this last night), not to have access to endless dubious sites catering for every known predilection, all from the comfort of your own home - given such a notable track record regarding appetite for the 'fairer sex.'
Course I'm only saying this because he tells me "I try not read your blog."
8th August. Braking News.
Often to prevent brake failure, especially on japanese vehicles, complete replacement of all the steel brake pipes with copper is de rigeur.
However as per yesterday's braking news, the copper is a far softer material and liable to gradual abrasion should anyone have held up the pipe with one or two plastic tie wraps.
A bit of grit and dirt caught between the two and there you go! given sufficient time.
If you WERE looking for a perfect murder solution and prepared to wait a few years this might be less detectable than rubbing the inside of a spoon with the back of one of those Poison Arrow frogs before serving up Bolognese - and tie wraps are much easier to come by than exotic rainforest amphibians.
However as per yesterday's braking news, the copper is a far softer material and liable to gradual abrasion should anyone have held up the pipe with one or two plastic tie wraps.
A bit of grit and dirt caught between the two and there you go! given sufficient time.
If you WERE looking for a perfect murder solution and prepared to wait a few years this might be less detectable than rubbing the inside of a spoon with the back of one of those Poison Arrow frogs before serving up Bolognese - and tie wraps are much easier to come by than exotic rainforest amphibians.
7th August. A Lot of Life is Luck.
Heading down towards 'suicide corner' outside Alyth and some black hatchback flashes their lights at me, I thought do I know them? - So many previous customers and not much of a memory for faces...
Or did it mean oncoming hazard? Errrr... around the next bend some farmer is trying to wrestle an errant ewe into a pick-up.
I smoothly apply the brakes allowing for all the weight in the trailer, then re-apply the brakes, there is very little effect, mmmm... interesting.
That red light comes on to make it clear, just in case you haven't already noticed, your brakes have failed.
That would be a right laugh, the idiot light comes on immediately after you've mowed down an entire family on a pedestrian crossing.
Or did it mean oncoming hazard? Errrr... around the next bend some farmer is trying to wrestle an errant ewe into a pick-up.
I smoothly apply the brakes allowing for all the weight in the trailer, then re-apply the brakes, there is very little effect, mmmm... interesting.
That red light comes on to make it clear, just in case you haven't already noticed, your brakes have failed.
That would be a right laugh, the idiot light comes on immediately after you've mowed down an entire family on a pedestrian crossing.
6th August. Return to Work.
First day back at 'The Factory' ie in the middle of nowhere with the rain lashing down.
There are several residents here at the Gamekeeper's none of which are really adapted to rain, several Peacocks, Peahens and a weired looking Guinea fowl, visible all day through the steamed up windows perched on the sills in an effort to stay dry.
The Breaking News here is of Foot and Mouth disease and the current ban on the movement of livestock, the gamekeeper slumps in the kitchen armchair half watching Sky News whilst leafing through some magazine about killing things..
"Has the weather been like this the last couple of week?" I enquire.
"*ucking weather , It's been *ucking shit."
There are several residents here at the Gamekeeper's none of which are really adapted to rain, several Peacocks, Peahens and a weired looking Guinea fowl, visible all day through the steamed up windows perched on the sills in an effort to stay dry.
The Breaking News here is of Foot and Mouth disease and the current ban on the movement of livestock, the gamekeeper slumps in the kitchen armchair half watching Sky News whilst leafing through some magazine about killing things..
"Has the weather been like this the last couple of week?" I enquire.
"*ucking weather , It's been *ucking shit."
2nd August. South Ridge of The Lagginhorn.
The key phrase of the day from Owain was "Crampons on now, quick as you can lads", the emphasis being on "Quick as you can."
I managed to secrete a stale salami sandwich in my jacket pocket in between rock pitches but Alex caught sight of the morsel and insisted on eating half of it.
Also Alex only received one bollocking today on the rather steep descent from the summit - some carelessness with the rope caused me to trip over in the frozen snow when it caught one crampon.
It crossed my mind during this sprawling session that we might all be descending slightly quicker than was the intention, however I recovered quite well - all part of the Alpine experience?
I managed to secrete a stale salami sandwich in my jacket pocket in between rock pitches but Alex caught sight of the morsel and insisted on eating half of it.
Also Alex only received one bollocking today on the rather steep descent from the summit - some carelessness with the rope caused me to trip over in the frozen snow when it caught one crampon.
It crossed my mind during this sprawling session that we might all be descending slightly quicker than was the intention, however I recovered quite well - all part of the Alpine experience?
1st August. "Not Another Bloody Gendarme?"
Arriving at the north ridge of the Weissmeis just as the sun was rising, Owain, who is learned in these matters, tells us that the wind "always gets up for about an hour at dawn then settles down."
An hour later I find myself thinking - this wind should be abating any minute now.
The gale in question was factoring in a wind-chill of something in excess of -20 and naturally had no idea of 'settling down.'
This route, with an Alpine grading of AD+ corresponds roughly to almost impossible (AI). I found that the route was impossible whilst wearing gloves, as one rocky gendarme on the 2km ridge followed another, bare hands greatly increased the Discomfort Factor to a French Assez Terrible (AT).
Alex only had two bollockings today, once for not traversing the knife edge of the ridge properly and again for incorrectly stowing his ice-axe.
However we both received a further bollocking on the return to the hut for losing one large wired nut and a sling.
"You owe me twenty quid, that nut was brand new, part of a set!"
An hour later I find myself thinking - this wind should be abating any minute now.
The gale in question was factoring in a wind-chill of something in excess of -20 and naturally had no idea of 'settling down.'
This route, with an Alpine grading of AD+ corresponds roughly to almost impossible (AI). I found that the route was impossible whilst wearing gloves, as one rocky gendarme on the 2km ridge followed another, bare hands greatly increased the Discomfort Factor to a French Assez Terrible (AT).
Alex only had two bollockings today, once for not traversing the knife edge of the ridge properly and again for incorrectly stowing his ice-axe.
However we both received a further bollocking on the return to the hut for losing one large wired nut and a sling.
"You owe me twenty quid, that nut was brand new, part of a set!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)