Received valuable insight on the insidious nature of belief this morning whilst dishing out some Whiskas rabbit in jelly.
The 'new cat' was breakfasting when another cat appeared at the kitchen door. At first I thought it was one of the other long-time resident cats seen in a half light, the point is, I didn't immediately see there were two new cats even when they were in the same room, talk about seeing what you believe.
Turns out I've been rather amusingly duped, cuckolded and sold a pup, commenting on the 'new cat' every time I'd seen it, when in reality I've been seeing two new cats that look different, sound different and have different behaviours.
It's like those Gestalt drawings when the old woman suddenly snaps into a young woman and then you can't understand how you couldn't see the young woman in the first place. Maybe it's like the failure of the Aborigines to see the approach of Captain Cook's ship, but they could 'see' the rowing boats.
The only thing I had noticed was that the 'new cat' was sometimes very friendly, getting right under your feet and at other times it would seem a lot more nervous and scoot away as soon as you went to stroke it.
The frightening thing is: if you can't see that there's two different cats instead of one, in a small house, reality must be so different from one's perception, which at the same time seems beyond all doubt...
30th May. Running Out of Juice.
Inadvertently found myself putting in a few kilometres of extra training this morning when the permanent closure of the local petrol station conspired with an on-going cash flow crisis.
A slight hiccup on the level road was a prelude to the Daihatsu grinding to a halt on the first of the incline separating the now stationary vehicle from the Esso Garage on the other side of the hill.
Leaving the car behind I rather welcomed the opportunity to set off at a purposeful pace through the rain, in truth I'd actually been neglecting the running part of preparation for the upcoming triathlon this Sunday.
The overall performance wasn't too promising, particularly on the return run with a gallon container of diesel in one hand. This saw me grinding to a halt on the first of the incline separating me from the still stationary vehicle on the other side of the hill...
A slight hiccup on the level road was a prelude to the Daihatsu grinding to a halt on the first of the incline separating the now stationary vehicle from the Esso Garage on the other side of the hill.
Leaving the car behind I rather welcomed the opportunity to set off at a purposeful pace through the rain, in truth I'd actually been neglecting the running part of preparation for the upcoming triathlon this Sunday.
The overall performance wasn't too promising, particularly on the return run with a gallon container of diesel in one hand. This saw me grinding to a halt on the first of the incline separating me from the still stationary vehicle on the other side of the hill...
29th May. Thoughts In A Detached Bungalow.
You know you've really made it when you've finally bought that detached house up Oakbank Rd.
Something about the elevated site suits someone with the necessary aspirations to be that little bit above the Common Herd and it's handy for the schools.
However this is as far as the horizon extends, any higher and that would be a different league altogether.
That would be like moving from class 2C1 into 2B2, suddenly, instead of being the brightest you are now the thickest.
A bungalow in Oakbank Rd with upvc double glazing and conservatory to rear is like being the brightest of the thickest.
Something about the elevated site suits someone with the necessary aspirations to be that little bit above the Common Herd and it's handy for the schools.
However this is as far as the horizon extends, any higher and that would be a different league altogether.
That would be like moving from class 2C1 into 2B2, suddenly, instead of being the brightest you are now the thickest.
A bungalow in Oakbank Rd with upvc double glazing and conservatory to rear is like being the brightest of the thickest.
28th May. Green Land.
Had to go and see a man about wood chip fired boilers, the idea is that because we've been used to cheap oil here for years out of the North Sea, which is now running out, we're all going to be falling over ourselves to spend £15,000 on one of this tried and tested Austrian machines.
"That's quite an amount to payback" I said
"Five years"
"That's a lot of oil"
"Well our heating bill here was about £3000 a year in oil"
"That must be a lot of wood chips"
"About 40 tonnes"
This is how the future's going to be: basically the whole country will be covered in Genetically Modified Willow for coppicing which is then turned into wood chips and there won't be anything to eat on account of the changing land use...
Or you can put on two or three extra jumpers during the months November to March.
"That's quite an amount to payback" I said
"Five years"
"That's a lot of oil"
"Well our heating bill here was about £3000 a year in oil"
"That must be a lot of wood chips"
"About 40 tonnes"
This is how the future's going to be: basically the whole country will be covered in Genetically Modified Willow for coppicing which is then turned into wood chips and there won't be anything to eat on account of the changing land use...
Or you can put on two or three extra jumpers during the months November to March.
27th May. The Whiskas Supermeat Centre - 4 Star.
In my absence or possibly because of it, the "Kleen-eze Man" had been and left more than just overpriced cleaning products.
Isabelle met me at the front door, I thought she must have really missed me? but it was firstly to break the news and secondly to ensure that the latest addition to the household didn't make a bolt for it.
The 'Kleen-eze Man' had piled it on, working up a saga about his Mother-in-Law's cat that would break anyone's heart, after all he is some kind of salesman and with this particular pitch he knew he was going to achieve closure.
Isabelle's heart is easily won over when it comes to providing sanctuary for some creature in need, especially when it can't answer back or in anyway show it's ingratitude.
So now another cat is hiding somewhere in the thickets of the lounge room which it has comandeered for itself.
I see that this new pet came with its own 25 kg bag of dry cat food that it'll probably never eat now, once it gets a taste of the tinned stuff on offer here.
The rationale given is that some of the other cats will be dead soon - from old age, I hasten to add.
Isabelle met me at the front door, I thought she must have really missed me? but it was firstly to break the news and secondly to ensure that the latest addition to the household didn't make a bolt for it.
The 'Kleen-eze Man' had piled it on, working up a saga about his Mother-in-Law's cat that would break anyone's heart, after all he is some kind of salesman and with this particular pitch he knew he was going to achieve closure.
Isabelle's heart is easily won over when it comes to providing sanctuary for some creature in need, especially when it can't answer back or in anyway show it's ingratitude.
So now another cat is hiding somewhere in the thickets of the lounge room which it has comandeered for itself.
I see that this new pet came with its own 25 kg bag of dry cat food that it'll probably never eat now, once it gets a taste of the tinned stuff on offer here.
The rationale given is that some of the other cats will be dead soon - from old age, I hasten to add.
26th May. 8 a.m. Aberdeenshire Breakfasts.
"Are you and Isabelle going to be having any children"?
It's a question that seems inevitable from couples who until recently didn't have any themselves.
I stare out of the window of J & K's kitchen which is full of pre-schoolers at various stages of being force fed or cajoled into eating their Weetabix.
"Those Blue Tits don't seem to have the same problem with their young" I said as one parent winged down from the bird feeder and popped back once again into a hole in the garden wall.
"Come on! If you don't eat your peanuts you'll never grow up and fly properly, you're old enough to be feeding yourself! Right! That's your second warning. Any more messing about and you're going on the naughty perch"!
It's a question that seems inevitable from couples who until recently didn't have any themselves.
I stare out of the window of J & K's kitchen which is full of pre-schoolers at various stages of being force fed or cajoled into eating their Weetabix.
"Those Blue Tits don't seem to have the same problem with their young" I said as one parent winged down from the bird feeder and popped back once again into a hole in the garden wall.
"Come on! If you don't eat your peanuts you'll never grow up and fly properly, you're old enough to be feeding yourself! Right! That's your second warning. Any more messing about and you're going on the naughty perch"!
25th May. Life Is Just A Series of Cock-Ups.
"We'll have to be careful with those windows" I said to the resident gardener at the castle who had been requisitioned to help up-end A.P.'s double extension ladders which were now nearing the critical point of over balance, in reality a three-man job not a two-man.
Moments later the ladders were falling towards the white-washed castle walls and it was hit and miss regarding some of the 2nd floor windows, I gave the impression to the gardener that everything was under control but it was only luck there was no shattering noise...
A.P. left me with a request: "If I found myself at a loose end in the afternoon, could I sweep the chimney of the Great Hall?"
"No problem."
Left alone to ramble around I couldn't exactly identify the 'Great Hall', but covered up the fireplace in the Drawing Room as it had a vulnerable white three piece suite.
The Great Hall turned out to be in the basement and wasn't really that great at all but this only came to light after shoving a brush down from somewhere above the battlements, the dust and muck that came down the chimney had spread through it.
The thing was it was more or less a depository full of piled up stuff, mounted stags heads that were already dusty, innumerable dining chairs, heavyweight furniture, piles of paintings and the like. When A.P. came back home he never really noticed, "Mmmm.....yes, well at least we know that chimney's clear" were his exact words.
Moments later the ladders were falling towards the white-washed castle walls and it was hit and miss regarding some of the 2nd floor windows, I gave the impression to the gardener that everything was under control but it was only luck there was no shattering noise...
A.P. left me with a request: "If I found myself at a loose end in the afternoon, could I sweep the chimney of the Great Hall?"
"No problem."
Left alone to ramble around I couldn't exactly identify the 'Great Hall', but covered up the fireplace in the Drawing Room as it had a vulnerable white three piece suite.
The Great Hall turned out to be in the basement and wasn't really that great at all but this only came to light after shoving a brush down from somewhere above the battlements, the dust and muck that came down the chimney had spread through it.
The thing was it was more or less a depository full of piled up stuff, mounted stags heads that were already dusty, innumerable dining chairs, heavyweight furniture, piles of paintings and the like. When A.P. came back home he never really noticed, "Mmmm.....yes, well at least we know that chimney's clear" were his exact words.
24th May. Report a Benefit Thief.
"When I got up to go to the bathroom at 3 am in the morning the Cuckoos had already started cuckooing by then" said Mrs F.
Although making an early start I'm not sure the Cuckoo warrants the dementia link. The Cuckoo, if anything, is more of a benefit cheat, taking from the 'system' and putting nothing in, a confidential on-line report could reduce the incidence.
Often the Robin is on the receiving end of these brood parasites.
Section 1: About the person claiming benefit
(Please complete a separate form for each person involved).
1a. What type of benefit fraud do you think is being committed? Please choose one from this list
LAYING EGGS IN OTHER BIRDS NESTS.
Other information about the type of benefit fraud being committed? for example; if living together when did this start? If the couple have children please give full details of names, sex, age and so on.
THEY HAVEN'T BUILT A NEST THEMSELVES
What makes you think benefit fraud is being committed?
THERE IS A BABY BIRD IN OUR NEST WHICH IS ABOUT FOUR TIMES THE SIZE OF A NORMAL ROBIN
1b. Who do you suspect of benefit fraud?
Their surname or family name
CUCKOO
Their gender
FEMALE
Their forenames
N/A
Their title (for example,Mr, Mrs, Ms).
Ms.
Their other names, nicknames, aliases
DEMENTED CUCKOO
Their address
AMULREE
Their postcode
PH8
Their National Insurance number
N/A
1c. Appearance of person claiming benefit
Their ethnic group: Please choose one from this list
COMMON CUCKOO
provide any other information below
Their build: Please choose one from this list
ABOUT THE SIZE OF A BLACKBIRD
and also one from this list if helpful
Their hair colour: Please choose one from this list
GREYISH
provide any other information below
Their hair type: Please choose one from this list
FEATHERS
and also one from this list if helpful
Their distinguishing features, (for example, facial hair, tattoos, scars, piercings.)
KEEPS GOING - "CUCKOO CUCKOO"
1d. Their employment
Their employer's name and address if known
SELF EMPLOYED
Other details, about their work? (for example, type of work, times, dress, how much they earn, which days they work.)
FULL TIME CUCKOO
1e. Their vehicle details
Make and model
N/A
Please choose one of the following answers
Does the claimant have a partner ?
YES
Section 3: About you
The information you have provided is strictly confidential. You do not need to tell us who you are, but if you would like our investigators to be able to contact you for more information, please tell us:
Your name
ROBIN
Your address
AMULREE
Your phone number
N/A
Your email address
N/A
Section 4: Other details
Is there anything else we should know?
THESE CUCKOOS ARE FROM OUTSIDE THE E.U.
Thank you for the information you have provided. For reasons of confidentiality, we will not be able to tell you the result of our enquiries.
Although making an early start I'm not sure the Cuckoo warrants the dementia link. The Cuckoo, if anything, is more of a benefit cheat, taking from the 'system' and putting nothing in, a confidential on-line report could reduce the incidence.
Often the Robin is on the receiving end of these brood parasites.
Section 1: About the person claiming benefit
(Please complete a separate form for each person involved).
1a. What type of benefit fraud do you think is being committed? Please choose one from this list
LAYING EGGS IN OTHER BIRDS NESTS.
Other information about the type of benefit fraud being committed? for example; if living together when did this start? If the couple have children please give full details of names, sex, age and so on.
THEY HAVEN'T BUILT A NEST THEMSELVES
What makes you think benefit fraud is being committed?
THERE IS A BABY BIRD IN OUR NEST WHICH IS ABOUT FOUR TIMES THE SIZE OF A NORMAL ROBIN
1b. Who do you suspect of benefit fraud?
Their surname or family name
CUCKOO
Their gender
FEMALE
Their forenames
N/A
Their title (for example,Mr, Mrs, Ms).
Ms.
Their other names, nicknames, aliases
DEMENTED CUCKOO
Their address
AMULREE
Their postcode
PH8
Their National Insurance number
N/A
1c. Appearance of person claiming benefit
Their ethnic group: Please choose one from this list
COMMON CUCKOO
provide any other information below
Their build: Please choose one from this list
ABOUT THE SIZE OF A BLACKBIRD
and also one from this list if helpful
Their hair colour: Please choose one from this list
GREYISH
provide any other information below
Their hair type: Please choose one from this list
FEATHERS
and also one from this list if helpful
Their distinguishing features, (for example, facial hair, tattoos, scars, piercings.)
KEEPS GOING - "CUCKOO CUCKOO"
1d. Their employment
Their employer's name and address if known
SELF EMPLOYED
Other details, about their work? (for example, type of work, times, dress, how much they earn, which days they work.)
FULL TIME CUCKOO
1e. Their vehicle details
Make and model
N/A
Please choose one of the following answers
Does the claimant have a partner ?
YES
Section 3: About you
The information you have provided is strictly confidential. You do not need to tell us who you are, but if you would like our investigators to be able to contact you for more information, please tell us:
Your name
ROBIN
Your address
AMULREE
Your phone number
N/A
Your email address
N/A
Section 4: Other details
Is there anything else we should know?
THESE CUCKOOS ARE FROM OUTSIDE THE E.U.
Thank you for the information you have provided. For reasons of confidentiality, we will not be able to tell you the result of our enquiries.
23rd May. What's The F***ing Point?
The simple act of lying awake in bed from 7.07am until 7.24am is enough to promote a mood of futility, that's why it's important to leap up to the alarm and never be tempted to lie down again for 'five minutes.'
In another time and another place the reasons surrounding this miasma of negativity (which are many and various) could be picked over, analysed, categorised, maybe even treated with ECT?
Then the alarm would still go off and then the same decision about five minutes in bed?
Whoever said getting up in the morning is the single biggest act of optimism your likely to make in a day? well...exactement!
In another time and another place the reasons surrounding this miasma of negativity (which are many and various) could be picked over, analysed, categorised, maybe even treated with ECT?
Then the alarm would still go off and then the same decision about five minutes in bed?
Whoever said getting up in the morning is the single biggest act of optimism your likely to make in a day? well...exactement!
22nd May. Cuckoo World.
From the dizzying heights of Mr & Mrs F's chimney stack the sound of a Cuckoo carries across the moorland.
The Cuckoo is more often heard than seen and on account of it's repetitive tendency has become a by-word for dementia.
Which reminds me that I'm currently in the bad books for neglecting to phone Mother at a pre-arranged time with my Brother.
"You're too late mate... sorry's no good, don't phone me again, you'll have to phone her at the home, I'm putting the phone down now."
Honestly. Conversations conducted through the Care Home phone have to compete with 96 decibels of 'Emmerdale' or whatever happens to be on the box. "It's a very bad line isn't it? ...pardon?" and so on.
The easy option is to never phone either of them again.
Of course this is just stupid - because I put my phone on charge then went out without it, a familial rift develops, what hope is there for the wider world?
The Cuckoo is more often heard than seen and on account of it's repetitive tendency has become a by-word for dementia.
Which reminds me that I'm currently in the bad books for neglecting to phone Mother at a pre-arranged time with my Brother.
"You're too late mate... sorry's no good, don't phone me again, you'll have to phone her at the home, I'm putting the phone down now."
Honestly. Conversations conducted through the Care Home phone have to compete with 96 decibels of 'Emmerdale' or whatever happens to be on the box. "It's a very bad line isn't it? ...pardon?" and so on.
The easy option is to never phone either of them again.
Of course this is just stupid - because I put my phone on charge then went out without it, a familial rift develops, what hope is there for the wider world?
21st May. The Fly.
The woman at check-in makes some fuss about my rucksack straps and points me towards a man sitting a-top what looks a shoeshine machine, four euros, needless to say.
The man sets about my rucksack like a giant spider, spinning and wrapping the immobilized prey, first one way then the other, in miles of pink cling film.
The pink parceled giant fly was easy to spot on the baggage reclaim at Stanstead, then began the long wait for the connecting flight.
I'd no sooner squandered the remaining Euros on a sandwich and coffee when I thought I might have heard myself being mentioned on the tannoy system. Normally you think; was that my name? but then it always turns out to be just a sound-a-like.
Basically I had to leave the country again, back into that no-mans land before passport control to meet there a couple with what looked like an identical pink wrapped insect.
"Ours is MUCH larger" says the Essex-voiced woman, subtlely apportioning blame as the handover formalities are concluded...
The man sets about my rucksack like a giant spider, spinning and wrapping the immobilized prey, first one way then the other, in miles of pink cling film.
The pink parceled giant fly was easy to spot on the baggage reclaim at Stanstead, then began the long wait for the connecting flight.
I'd no sooner squandered the remaining Euros on a sandwich and coffee when I thought I might have heard myself being mentioned on the tannoy system. Normally you think; was that my name? but then it always turns out to be just a sound-a-like.
Basically I had to leave the country again, back into that no-mans land before passport control to meet there a couple with what looked like an identical pink wrapped insect.
"Ours is MUCH larger" says the Essex-voiced woman, subtlely apportioning blame as the handover formalities are concluded...
20th May. Know The Game - Perfect Man/Woman.
We sit with a Cappuccino each, surveying the endless procession of evening strollers along the Venetian quayside, whose sole purpose is to make an impression.
The Rules are, with no holds barred: who would you choose to spend the rest of your life with, based on such a modest assessment?
It's not easy, interest level is about 1 in a 100 passers-by.
Too old, nice face but too much weight on the hips, nice body but too much like an extra from a vampire movie and so on...
I opted for a wholly inappropriate Japanese teenager in a pink top with matching rucksack, either that or a similarly delicate woman in her early twenties.
Isabelle had a more arduous task, men being men; conversely choosing some father-figure, well proportioned, probably Italian.
The Rules are, with no holds barred: who would you choose to spend the rest of your life with, based on such a modest assessment?
It's not easy, interest level is about 1 in a 100 passers-by.
Too old, nice face but too much weight on the hips, nice body but too much like an extra from a vampire movie and so on...
I opted for a wholly inappropriate Japanese teenager in a pink top with matching rucksack, either that or a similarly delicate woman in her early twenties.
Isabelle had a more arduous task, men being men; conversely choosing some father-figure, well proportioned, probably Italian.
19th May. Gondolas.
"You can't come to Venice without going on a Gondola" said Isabelle as we stepped aboard the narrow- beamed shiny black rowing boat with only one oar.
There is only one Venice and one type of Gondola with one type of Gondolier, this is naturally reflected in pricing.
Luckily our Gondolier knows the whereabouts of a handy canalside ATM to make up the defecit.
"It would be more romantic if I took the money out."
En route to the cashpoint we pass under, rather than over the Bridge of Sighs, which lends a whole new dimension to this celebrated Venetian landmark.
There is only one Venice and one type of Gondola with one type of Gondolier, this is naturally reflected in pricing.
Luckily our Gondolier knows the whereabouts of a handy canalside ATM to make up the defecit.
"It would be more romantic if I took the money out."
En route to the cashpoint we pass under, rather than over the Bridge of Sighs, which lends a whole new dimension to this celebrated Venetian landmark.
18th May. Evolution of Shopping.
We drift further from the Grande Canal carried by a tide of diverse nationals along the narrow arteries of Venetian commerce.
On each side a repeating DNA sequence of four boutiques: Glassware, Papier-mache masks, Ice-cream, Pizza slices, suddenly the pattern is interrupted by a mutation.
Where there should be a Papier-mache mask shop there is a MacDonalds.
This change may or may not be a successful adaptation and will be subject to the vagaries of natural selection within the wider context of global security, transatlantic fares, obesity fears etc...
"VILLA CASANOVA"
Casanova was possessed of a formidable talent regarding the fairer sex.
To my mind he must have had his work cut out making a career out of pleasing women.
"I can see what they mean about Italian men" said Isabelle, gazing at some tall, well proportioned middle-aged guy in a tailored suit on the ferry back to Villa Casanova, our hotel.
Maybe we're looking at the vestiges of the selection processes for the legions of the Roman Empire? But then even the local sparrows look more manly.
On each side a repeating DNA sequence of four boutiques: Glassware, Papier-mache masks, Ice-cream, Pizza slices, suddenly the pattern is interrupted by a mutation.
Where there should be a Papier-mache mask shop there is a MacDonalds.
This change may or may not be a successful adaptation and will be subject to the vagaries of natural selection within the wider context of global security, transatlantic fares, obesity fears etc...
"VILLA CASANOVA"
Casanova was possessed of a formidable talent regarding the fairer sex.
To my mind he must have had his work cut out making a career out of pleasing women.
"I can see what they mean about Italian men" said Isabelle, gazing at some tall, well proportioned middle-aged guy in a tailored suit on the ferry back to Villa Casanova, our hotel.
Maybe we're looking at the vestiges of the selection processes for the legions of the Roman Empire? But then even the local sparrows look more manly.
16th May. Venezia.
First stop this evening is a shop that looks like it might be a chemists.
Already Isabelle's gait is showing a slight hesitancy of step, the practicalities of footwear have been once again overuled by the "look" necessary for Venice. Flesh coloured plasters will assuage the symptom if not the disease itself.
I had tried to tackle the subject of footwear at 2am this morning prior to our departure, having had a bad experience somewhere in the narrow backstreets of Macau a few years ago:
At that time, Isabelle's boots, fashionably heeled, had made the simple act of putting one foot in front of the other an increasingly painful experience.
The miraculous appearance of a taxi was probably the only thing that saved Isabelle and The Relationship from any long term damage.
Already Isabelle's gait is showing a slight hesitancy of step, the practicalities of footwear have been once again overuled by the "look" necessary for Venice. Flesh coloured plasters will assuage the symptom if not the disease itself.
I had tried to tackle the subject of footwear at 2am this morning prior to our departure, having had a bad experience somewhere in the narrow backstreets of Macau a few years ago:
At that time, Isabelle's boots, fashionably heeled, had made the simple act of putting one foot in front of the other an increasingly painful experience.
The miraculous appearance of a taxi was probably the only thing that saved Isabelle and The Relationship from any long term damage.
15th May. Ryanair.
There's a big difference between Glasgow Prestwick Airport and Glasgow International Airport, a distinction that only became clear in Isabelles mind 15 mins before our departure.
I had to cancel one car park and look for another somewhere in Ayrshire.
Also there is an all Spanish football fixture on at Hampden Park so accomodation is non existent anywhere..
In case we are carrying liquid explosives on board, check-in time is at some ludicrously early hour. There's a reason these flights are cheap, apart from wacky airport locations, basically we going to have to get up before we go to bed.
I had to cancel one car park and look for another somewhere in Ayrshire.
Also there is an all Spanish football fixture on at Hampden Park so accomodation is non existent anywhere..
In case we are carrying liquid explosives on board, check-in time is at some ludicrously early hour. There's a reason these flights are cheap, apart from wacky airport locations, basically we going to have to get up before we go to bed.
14th May. Chimneyman III.
"You're lucky your house didn't burn down" I remarked, waving good bye to the Dutch woman and semi-dutch toddler who had recently experienced the evils of a chimney fire. "We won't be lighting the stove again until its fixed properly" she promises.
Another case of life threatening building malpractice for Chimney Repair Man.
Faster than a speeding bullet I head north through Highland Perthshire by high powered motor cycle along unfenced roads fettered with sheep and lambs. The crudely painted signs say "Sheep do not know the green cross code" I would go further and say that many have a barely concealed deathwish.
Next port of call, Mr & Mrs W. They light a fire in living room (a) and smoke comes out in downstairs bedroom (b) "How odd" not really but business gurus say you should never let the customer know how easy it all is. Mr W. fumbles around with some report from a rival firm possibly The Joker or The Penguin, "We weren't very impressed" confides Mr W.
I head down the largely deserted A9 at a speed in excess of 90 mph as the rain comes on, braking sharply for the 50 mph speed camera and turning in at 'The Motor Grill.'
"Can I have a trademark bacon, egg, beans and chips, bread & butter and a cup of tea please".
Isn't life amazing?
When I'm confined to a wheelchair and have to be fed everything through a straw, I'll look back on these days and think that I used to be somebody.
Another case of life threatening building malpractice for Chimney Repair Man.
Faster than a speeding bullet I head north through Highland Perthshire by high powered motor cycle along unfenced roads fettered with sheep and lambs. The crudely painted signs say "Sheep do not know the green cross code" I would go further and say that many have a barely concealed deathwish.
Next port of call, Mr & Mrs W. They light a fire in living room (a) and smoke comes out in downstairs bedroom (b) "How odd" not really but business gurus say you should never let the customer know how easy it all is. Mr W. fumbles around with some report from a rival firm possibly The Joker or The Penguin, "We weren't very impressed" confides Mr W.
I head down the largely deserted A9 at a speed in excess of 90 mph as the rain comes on, braking sharply for the 50 mph speed camera and turning in at 'The Motor Grill.'
"Can I have a trademark bacon, egg, beans and chips, bread & butter and a cup of tea please".
Isn't life amazing?
When I'm confined to a wheelchair and have to be fed everything through a straw, I'll look back on these days and think that I used to be somebody.
13th May. Girls Boarding School Tour.
"That's my Grandmother there" says one of the teenage girls pointing to a black and white photo somewhere on the way to our next stop, the Art Department. So there was no question of a State education for this pupil.
By way of introduction the Headmaster had laid it on thick with an audio-visual about the supportive environment, exam league tables and the lack of distraction - in the shape of Boys.
The chapel smelt like a church, the chemistry lab smelt of chemicals and there was a pervading smell of mince cooking, "It takes me right back to my school" said Isabelle.
Actually our daughter is still at the sperm and ovum stage of life and will probably remain so, as my sperm are getting ropier by the day but F&D, who were on their second annual open day with wee Thingummy, are toying with the idea of a private education.
"We could sell our house and move into a smaller one in a couple of years, that would free up the necessary funds."
F&D's enthusiasm for the particular benefits on offer here are tempered by a casual remark from an acquaintance who attended boarding school in Edinburgh.
He said that the boys all looked forward to any inter-school exchange because "You could definitely get a shag there."
By way of introduction the Headmaster had laid it on thick with an audio-visual about the supportive environment, exam league tables and the lack of distraction - in the shape of Boys.
The chapel smelt like a church, the chemistry lab smelt of chemicals and there was a pervading smell of mince cooking, "It takes me right back to my school" said Isabelle.
Actually our daughter is still at the sperm and ovum stage of life and will probably remain so, as my sperm are getting ropier by the day but F&D, who were on their second annual open day with wee Thingummy, are toying with the idea of a private education.
"We could sell our house and move into a smaller one in a couple of years, that would free up the necessary funds."
F&D's enthusiasm for the particular benefits on offer here are tempered by a casual remark from an acquaintance who attended boarding school in Edinburgh.
He said that the boys all looked forward to any inter-school exchange because "You could definitely get a shag there."
12th May. BBQ'd Asparagus?
Attended a BBQ out in Asparagus country, Stuart was alert to the fact that single women in their twenties would be in attendance, hopes where raised so to speak, for what, isn't quite clear anymore.
Love, romance etc has been pushed further and further down Stuart's list of boxes to tick until it appears to be facing relegation.
If Love and romance was a football club, the administrators could be called in any day now.
The next morning confirmed that these social events only serve to reinforce this somewhat jaundiced view of meeting 'The Right Woman', the BBQ of last night had merely been 'A case in point'.
The 'single women' amounted to one definite single amongst others semi-attached and all largely in the Hooray Henry horse ownership bracket, one rumoured to be linked to Prince Harry, but then snogging Prince Harry could be more of an exercise in self-promotion than capital R Romance.
Love, romance etc has been pushed further and further down Stuart's list of boxes to tick until it appears to be facing relegation.
If Love and romance was a football club, the administrators could be called in any day now.
The next morning confirmed that these social events only serve to reinforce this somewhat jaundiced view of meeting 'The Right Woman', the BBQ of last night had merely been 'A case in point'.
The 'single women' amounted to one definite single amongst others semi-attached and all largely in the Hooray Henry horse ownership bracket, one rumoured to be linked to Prince Harry, but then snogging Prince Harry could be more of an exercise in self-promotion than capital R Romance.
11th May. For Those About to Sweat We Salute You.
I pedal aggressively in the direction of the kitchen sink clad only in boxer shorts and clip-in cycling shoes, I have to turn the lights off for fear of passers-by like Noreen, out walking the dog.
A carefully selected ipod playlist provides a driving soundtrack with the right cadence for pushing pedals around. 'Tiddles' isn't too sure of the mechanicals and vacates the basket next to the Esse cooker.
The advantage of this stationary indoor cycling is the possibility of making a cup of tea whilst still on the bicycle as dehydration could affect performance. The heat from the Esse closely simulates the month of July.
After about fifteen minutes the perspiration levels are up there with Iggy Pop or even Angus Young.
A carefully selected ipod playlist provides a driving soundtrack with the right cadence for pushing pedals around. 'Tiddles' isn't too sure of the mechanicals and vacates the basket next to the Esse cooker.
The advantage of this stationary indoor cycling is the possibility of making a cup of tea whilst still on the bicycle as dehydration could affect performance. The heat from the Esse closely simulates the month of July.
After about fifteen minutes the perspiration levels are up there with Iggy Pop or even Angus Young.
10th May. Non-Eventing.
I am taking the opportunity to make some progress in the Grand Design, Chez Nous. I don't know if Channel Four would be interested; they'd probably have to run it over several series or at this rate, even decades.
Anyway, a heavy duty power cable had to be pulled through various attic spaces which was like an episode of that Time Team thing also on Channel Four, as various artifacts came to light.
Letters from women when Relationship lay fallow, including a reply I'd sealed but hadn't sent due to some possible change of heart. On opening, this detailed Likes and Dislikes in two columns, all quite frankly an embarrassment, the correspondent must have been left thinking - 'that guy never wrote back, nothing happened.'
Further in the past an A4 cartridge pad with a self-portrait pencil drawing of me in my twenties, with hair. Going to art college sort of happened but I changed my mind after one morning.
Further still, Brooke-Bond Tea card albums including one about Space Exploration, card number 50 depicting the nuclear powered manned trip to Mars planned for some time in the 1990's... Yes, well, that never quite happened and neither has the Moon Base, card number 49.
Another thing that never quite happened was the completion of a 'Working Model Steeple Engine'. This was what my Dad, 'The Old Boy' was working on 27 years ago when his number was called and it was time for him to go - 'aloft', which was about as close as he got to talking about the possibility of death, which definitely did happen.
Anyway, a heavy duty power cable had to be pulled through various attic spaces which was like an episode of that Time Team thing also on Channel Four, as various artifacts came to light.
Letters from women when Relationship lay fallow, including a reply I'd sealed but hadn't sent due to some possible change of heart. On opening, this detailed Likes and Dislikes in two columns, all quite frankly an embarrassment, the correspondent must have been left thinking - 'that guy never wrote back, nothing happened.'
Further in the past an A4 cartridge pad with a self-portrait pencil drawing of me in my twenties, with hair. Going to art college sort of happened but I changed my mind after one morning.
Further still, Brooke-Bond Tea card albums including one about Space Exploration, card number 50 depicting the nuclear powered manned trip to Mars planned for some time in the 1990's... Yes, well, that never quite happened and neither has the Moon Base, card number 49.
Another thing that never quite happened was the completion of a 'Working Model Steeple Engine'. This was what my Dad, 'The Old Boy' was working on 27 years ago when his number was called and it was time for him to go - 'aloft', which was about as close as he got to talking about the possibility of death, which definitely did happen.
9th May. Strange Worlds.
Every household is like a strange world, each subject to different laws and prohibitions, like different tribes isolated in otherwise geographically close valleys in Papua New Guinea, with different language, culture and traditions.
I arrive back in our own particular tradition, ready for another cat bladder squeezing. In my absence Isabelle has had to resort to taking the cat to the vet by taxi on a daily basis. The combined costs of Veterinary and driver would probably safeguard the eyesight of an entire village in any third world location.
Junior suggested that I could 'accidentally' reverse over the cat in the drive, obviously he has a lot to learn about the necessary compromise in successful relationships.
I arrive back in our own particular tradition, ready for another cat bladder squeezing. In my absence Isabelle has had to resort to taking the cat to the vet by taxi on a daily basis. The combined costs of Veterinary and driver would probably safeguard the eyesight of an entire village in any third world location.
Junior suggested that I could 'accidentally' reverse over the cat in the drive, obviously he has a lot to learn about the necessary compromise in successful relationships.
8th May. Strange Dream of a Book Bargain.
I arrive at a pre-arranged venue to sell some hardback books. An elderly Eastern European gent approaches, after a brief perusal he says "I'll give you a hundred dollars."
This sounds like a good deal, at least fifty quid. Not wanting to appear a complete novice and feeling that I should play the part and bargain a bit, I reply "You can have 7 out of the 10 for that."
"OK" he says surprisingly, "Will you take a cheque?"
"Err no, it would have to be cash"
"No problem" he says heading up to the bar, "I'll be back in a minute."
"On his return he hands me a roll of banknotes - "Czechloslovakian" he says.
Apart from no longer existing as a country this seems, to say the least, a bit dodgy.
"I'm sorry, I'd need US Dollars or Sterling" I tell him and hand the money back.
"Sure, no problem, just wait here" is his answer.
After waiting about five minutes a quick check around reveals there is no sign of the man, the money or indeed, any of the books.
This sounds like a good deal, at least fifty quid. Not wanting to appear a complete novice and feeling that I should play the part and bargain a bit, I reply "You can have 7 out of the 10 for that."
"OK" he says surprisingly, "Will you take a cheque?"
"Err no, it would have to be cash"
"No problem" he says heading up to the bar, "I'll be back in a minute."
"On his return he hands me a roll of banknotes - "Czechloslovakian" he says.
Apart from no longer existing as a country this seems, to say the least, a bit dodgy.
"I'm sorry, I'd need US Dollars or Sterling" I tell him and hand the money back.
"Sure, no problem, just wait here" is his answer.
After waiting about five minutes a quick check around reveals there is no sign of the man, the money or indeed, any of the books.
7th May. Starlings 'R' Us.
A family of starlings have been served with 3 weeks notice to quit. These birds have ruined the scheduling here in Aberdeen by nesting in a chimney which was destined to receive a liner this very week, and are busy raising a family of four.
Their removal could be effected by pouring half a gallon of diesel down the chimney pot followed by a match; it's a fairly unorthodox approach but quite safe, provided a co-worker is on hand to catch the burning nest and nestlings when the whole lot falls into the living room fireplace.
In the UK however, it's illegal to disturb any nesting bird. The once appropriately named Common Starling has become the Uncommon Starling.
There are other reasons, 'Conscience' among them. More seriously, such an act of violence against defenceless birds could bring a serious threat to the Marriage, the stark choice would be to tell Isabelle and face the consequences or forever live a lie...
Their removal could be effected by pouring half a gallon of diesel down the chimney pot followed by a match; it's a fairly unorthodox approach but quite safe, provided a co-worker is on hand to catch the burning nest and nestlings when the whole lot falls into the living room fireplace.
In the UK however, it's illegal to disturb any nesting bird. The once appropriately named Common Starling has become the Uncommon Starling.
There are other reasons, 'Conscience' among them. More seriously, such an act of violence against defenceless birds could bring a serious threat to the Marriage, the stark choice would be to tell Isabelle and face the consequences or forever live a lie...
6th May. 36th Festival of The Arts.
So I was round at 185 refitting the bath panels, now that we can all be sure that the Poles below won't be subject to another deluge of bath water, when I thought - certain individuals are starting to use Faeces Close as a blank canvas again.
There was still a bucket of white masonry paint left from the last overpainting, I got started in a frenzy of brush strokes, revelling in this new medium of self-expression.
"SO & SO WAS HERE 28/4/07" Really? How original.
The problem with contemporary art is there's nothing new to say, it's all been said a million times before, it's just boring.
The streak and spatter of dried blood on the walls of the close come from a more abstract school with the shock value perhaps of Damien Hurst but in general are similar to the work of Jackson Pollock.
Aside from any artistic merit these may have had some forensic value.
However the Great Man expresses here more eloquently than any actual youths responsible:
"My painting does not come from the easel. ... I need the resistance of a hard surface. On the floor I am more at ease. I feel nearer, more part of the painting, since this way I can walk around it, work from the four sides and literally be in the painting.”
“ I continue to get further away from the usual painter's tools such as easel, palette, brushes, etc. I prefer sticks, trowels, knives and dripping fluid paint or a heavy impasto with sand, broken glass or other foreign matter added."
There was still a bucket of white masonry paint left from the last overpainting, I got started in a frenzy of brush strokes, revelling in this new medium of self-expression.
"SO & SO WAS HERE 28/4/07" Really? How original.
The problem with contemporary art is there's nothing new to say, it's all been said a million times before, it's just boring.
The streak and spatter of dried blood on the walls of the close come from a more abstract school with the shock value perhaps of Damien Hurst but in general are similar to the work of Jackson Pollock.
Aside from any artistic merit these may have had some forensic value.
However the Great Man expresses here more eloquently than any actual youths responsible:
"My painting does not come from the easel. ... I need the resistance of a hard surface. On the floor I am more at ease. I feel nearer, more part of the painting, since this way I can walk around it, work from the four sides and literally be in the painting.”
“ I continue to get further away from the usual painter's tools such as easel, palette, brushes, etc. I prefer sticks, trowels, knives and dripping fluid paint or a heavy impasto with sand, broken glass or other foreign matter added."
5th May. Grey's Anatomy.
"I need a Vocation" Isabelle mused.
"You mean instead of a Vacation?
It's funny how changing one vowel can be the difference between money coming in and money going out.
For some reason, probably connected with a 'Grey's Anatomy' style view of the world, we are headed to a Romantic destination shortly, the only saving grace is that, apparently, it was one of these flights for threepence ha'penny or thereabouts.
This Venice excursion, what is it about Gondolas on canals and red roses? The main thing is my Tetanus is up to date should there be any chance of capsizing.
Isabelle likes nothing better than to play out some far fetched scenario in her minds eye, where naturally she takes the starring role.
It could be a real-life medical drama where through some intervention on her part, a childs life is saved, gaining the respect of co-workers and parents alike.
She may be lauded with a Nobel prize for discovering some hitherto unimagined sub-atomic particle.
Gary Sinese may be bowled over by some powerful forensic insight that links a whole series of previously unconnected gruesome killings.
"They might take you back at Dobbie's Garden Centre" I suggested.
"No way, not after I raised the question of the wages..."
"You mean instead of a Vacation?
It's funny how changing one vowel can be the difference between money coming in and money going out.
For some reason, probably connected with a 'Grey's Anatomy' style view of the world, we are headed to a Romantic destination shortly, the only saving grace is that, apparently, it was one of these flights for threepence ha'penny or thereabouts.
This Venice excursion, what is it about Gondolas on canals and red roses? The main thing is my Tetanus is up to date should there be any chance of capsizing.
Isabelle likes nothing better than to play out some far fetched scenario in her minds eye, where naturally she takes the starring role.
It could be a real-life medical drama where through some intervention on her part, a childs life is saved, gaining the respect of co-workers and parents alike.
She may be lauded with a Nobel prize for discovering some hitherto unimagined sub-atomic particle.
Gary Sinese may be bowled over by some powerful forensic insight that links a whole series of previously unconnected gruesome killings.
"They might take you back at Dobbie's Garden Centre" I suggested.
"No way, not after I raised the question of the wages..."
4th May. Real Change - Yeah Right...
For some, the dream of an independent Scotland is one step closer, for others they slept through the whole process. In Isabelle's case, quite literally.
Now it's all over, bar the back scratching, back stabbing and news leaks. To my mind it's a repeat of the successes of the early 70's when support for independence boiled down to teenagers signing up for, at that time, the round purple badges to pin alongside Donny Osmond, Marc Bolan et al.
For all the difference it's going to make we may as well have elected Ziggy Stardust as the new First Minister.
When will people realise that until the entire world is governed by Google, Human Beings will continue much as they always have. It's become clear that we haven't done terribly well in managing our affairs here on this particular planet.
It's no use Political Parties pandering to short term interest. Real Change? Don't you mean REAL change?
A strict regulation of all sexual contact, with population figures slashed to pre-Iron Age levels in a single generation.
The Internal Combustion Engine outlawed.
How can this be achieved?
Quite simply, everyone over the age of 5 is fitted with an implant in the brain that monitors their every movement, with the additional facility of controlling how they feel.
For example 'On Thursday last you did not take your glass for recycling during the allotted time slot for Sector 23, you will suffer an excruciating headache for 16 hours.'
Now it's all over, bar the back scratching, back stabbing and news leaks. To my mind it's a repeat of the successes of the early 70's when support for independence boiled down to teenagers signing up for, at that time, the round purple badges to pin alongside Donny Osmond, Marc Bolan et al.
For all the difference it's going to make we may as well have elected Ziggy Stardust as the new First Minister.
When will people realise that until the entire world is governed by Google, Human Beings will continue much as they always have. It's become clear that we haven't done terribly well in managing our affairs here on this particular planet.
It's no use Political Parties pandering to short term interest. Real Change? Don't you mean REAL change?
A strict regulation of all sexual contact, with population figures slashed to pre-Iron Age levels in a single generation.
The Internal Combustion Engine outlawed.
How can this be achieved?
Quite simply, everyone over the age of 5 is fitted with an implant in the brain that monitors their every movement, with the additional facility of controlling how they feel.
For example 'On Thursday last you did not take your glass for recycling during the allotted time slot for Sector 23, you will suffer an excruciating headache for 16 hours.'
3rd May. A Stroke, of Good Fortune.
Having a stroke isn't normally considered a good thing, and certainly it wasn't a very positive outcome for Mr Evil.
When I lifted the lid of the freezer in search of questionably dated burgers the recently deceased chicken, in a carrier bag, was halfway to becoming more rigid than it already was...
Mr Evil's body is to be used in a breakthrough medical experiment presently uncosted but based on recent experience with the cat's bladder unlikely to be 'a bargain' by any stretch.
One Veterinary has agreed to take on the job of dissection to discover the exact location of a chicken's balls. This should provide the necessary practice to perform the de-sexing of the more ebullient Cocks still extant, suitably anaethetised of course.
Putting aside ethical considerations, Isabelle wasn't enthusiastic about my offer to 'gen up' anatomically then set-to with a Stanley knife, In that case there would be no need for recourse to anasthesia which poses more of a risk than the surgery itself.
If some of the operations proved unsuccessful that would be no bad thing, a view shared by the majority of the hens apart from Hettie II, who is a very fast runner.
When I lifted the lid of the freezer in search of questionably dated burgers the recently deceased chicken, in a carrier bag, was halfway to becoming more rigid than it already was...
Mr Evil's body is to be used in a breakthrough medical experiment presently uncosted but based on recent experience with the cat's bladder unlikely to be 'a bargain' by any stretch.
One Veterinary has agreed to take on the job of dissection to discover the exact location of a chicken's balls. This should provide the necessary practice to perform the de-sexing of the more ebullient Cocks still extant, suitably anaethetised of course.
Putting aside ethical considerations, Isabelle wasn't enthusiastic about my offer to 'gen up' anatomically then set-to with a Stanley knife, In that case there would be no need for recourse to anasthesia which poses more of a risk than the surgery itself.
If some of the operations proved unsuccessful that would be no bad thing, a view shared by the majority of the hens apart from Hettie II, who is a very fast runner.
2nd May. A New BMW, Sheer Driving Pleasure.
Had a rather disturbing dream. I am at the wheel of a brand new BMW saloon, one of the more plush models that comes in the £45,000 plus bracket. Isabelle informs me that she has just bought it, "Interest free over 5 years". I said "That's a riduculous amount of money a month, what do we need a new BMW for?"
The answer is that apparently lots of other people have new BMWs so we should have one as well.
"I don't like people who have new BMW's" I exclaim.
"Why?"
At this I am flumoxed to provide an answer as to why. At the same time I am siezed by a feeling once reserved for a brand new bicycle my parents bought/chose for me. My father could never understand why I seemed determined to wreck it by deliberately riding it through any available mud.
To make a point we turn off the smooth tarmac of the dual carriageway and are soon driving across a ploughed field at the same speed, the suspension bottoming out as the shock absorbers go crazy, My thoughts are " Ha! we'll see how much of this it can take."
The story concludes when Isabelle receives the check for a meal we are having at a country house to 'celebrate' the purchase of the BMW. This comes to over £300 despite the fact that I only had a coffee, to keep costs down. Isabelle informs the waiter that this was "a bit more than she wanted to pay and hadn't expected it to be over £200."
The answer is that apparently lots of other people have new BMWs so we should have one as well.
"I don't like people who have new BMW's" I exclaim.
"Why?"
At this I am flumoxed to provide an answer as to why. At the same time I am siezed by a feeling once reserved for a brand new bicycle my parents bought/chose for me. My father could never understand why I seemed determined to wreck it by deliberately riding it through any available mud.
To make a point we turn off the smooth tarmac of the dual carriageway and are soon driving across a ploughed field at the same speed, the suspension bottoming out as the shock absorbers go crazy, My thoughts are " Ha! we'll see how much of this it can take."
The story concludes when Isabelle receives the check for a meal we are having at a country house to 'celebrate' the purchase of the BMW. This comes to over £300 despite the fact that I only had a coffee, to keep costs down. Isabelle informs the waiter that this was "a bit more than she wanted to pay and hadn't expected it to be over £200."
1st May. Welcome to "It's a Political Knock-Out."
Back with the Aristocracy today, and Lord Thingy of Whatsy literally gave his life to public service, despite being an unelected peer.
Considered to be one of the finest minds in the Judiciary, at the age of 79 he still felt that he "Had a good mind and may as well use it rather than just sitting around", Lady Thingy told me.
However a mind cannot function without a brain and probably as a direct consequence of overwork Lord Thingy had a pretty severe stroke. Now the sitting around is rigidly enforced by his own body. "It's like being held prisoner" that's what Lady T. said.
I said it must be hard to let go when you have the power to make decisions that affect other peoples lives, a bit like "Our Tony".
Anyway, in a couple of days we can all go out shopping for new Politicians and vote for 'real change', if you can be bothered and you're still capable. It's a choice between Red, Blue, Yellow, Green and, so I've heard, the Grey team.
Somebody said the contest shouild be fought by a Monster Truck race and whoever comes over the line wins, but Politics has long been considered a "Dirty Game", the Romans were certainly a bunch of back stabbers. So the Monster Truck thing is maybe a bit too straight forward.
Bare knuckle fighting would disadvantage women, but would make better television. Putting them all in a Celebrity Big Brother house would be too boring and wouldn't increase the present ratings unless each carried their own choice of blade. Perhaps one of the more extreme Japanese-style game shows could be the answer?
I think just letting cadidates fight it out in a huge vat of custard with some kind of premium rate telephone voting would set the right tone for a civilized society, Simon Cowell could be involved.
Let the Viewers decide.
Considered to be one of the finest minds in the Judiciary, at the age of 79 he still felt that he "Had a good mind and may as well use it rather than just sitting around", Lady Thingy told me.
However a mind cannot function without a brain and probably as a direct consequence of overwork Lord Thingy had a pretty severe stroke. Now the sitting around is rigidly enforced by his own body. "It's like being held prisoner" that's what Lady T. said.
I said it must be hard to let go when you have the power to make decisions that affect other peoples lives, a bit like "Our Tony".
Anyway, in a couple of days we can all go out shopping for new Politicians and vote for 'real change', if you can be bothered and you're still capable. It's a choice between Red, Blue, Yellow, Green and, so I've heard, the Grey team.
Somebody said the contest shouild be fought by a Monster Truck race and whoever comes over the line wins, but Politics has long been considered a "Dirty Game", the Romans were certainly a bunch of back stabbers. So the Monster Truck thing is maybe a bit too straight forward.
Bare knuckle fighting would disadvantage women, but would make better television. Putting them all in a Celebrity Big Brother house would be too boring and wouldn't increase the present ratings unless each carried their own choice of blade. Perhaps one of the more extreme Japanese-style game shows could be the answer?
I think just letting cadidates fight it out in a huge vat of custard with some kind of premium rate telephone voting would set the right tone for a civilized society, Simon Cowell could be involved.
Let the Viewers decide.
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