Here we all are at 2900 meters, arguing about the year that the Seatbelt Law was introduced in the UK. This is about as absurd as having to sleep, spaced an inch apart, like a row of sardines on a single platform in the dormitory.
The row is numbered, 1, 2, 3 and 4. Number 1 is a woman, number 2 is a man, I'm number 3, and number 4 is an unknown woman. Then there is the added interest of the alarm set for 4:20 am...
30th July Glaciers "R" Us
The glacier looked like the snow in the Tesco car park three weeks after it's been piled up in one corner, all covered in grit and melting, except for one thing; it's about the size of a mountain.
Factor 30 sunblock isn't quite enough, neither are those sunglasses Jimmy gave me on that holiday to the Pyrenees. So I feel like I've been doing a bit of welding without a mask. Not to worry though, walking up ice in crampons is actually a great amusement.
Factor 30 sunblock isn't quite enough, neither are those sunglasses Jimmy gave me on that holiday to the Pyrenees. So I feel like I've been doing a bit of welding without a mask. Not to worry though, walking up ice in crampons is actually a great amusement.
29th July Swiss Accidents - Real and Imagined
Brake servicing must play on the mind of the average car owner in Evolene, more than say a resident of the Netherlands. The lack of shrines and memorials on the numerous hairpin bends seems to indicate the Swiss adopt a very ordered approach to vehicle maintenance, like everything else.
Regarding the dangers of mountaineering, only two course members suffered injuries last week; one impaled himself on his crampons when he fell in a crevasse, the other pulled something in his arm after a mishap with the rope.
No fatalities though...
Regarding the dangers of mountaineering, only two course members suffered injuries last week; one impaled himself on his crampons when he fell in a crevasse, the other pulled something in his arm after a mishap with the rope.
No fatalities though...
28th July Equipment Checklist
Prior to depature for Switzerland at some unearthly hour, I've been refering to one of The All-England Series, "Mountaineering" by Claude Wilson, 1893. "A handy little volume, considering its size" the author writes in the pre-Gortex era of the nineteenth century.
CLOTHES
"Climbing clothes should be made entirely of wool. A flannel shirt, stout stockings, and a knickerbocker suit of tweed, suggest themselves as appropriate, and are worn by most climbers.."
"A Norfolk jacket answers very well. It should be well supplied with pockets; nine or ten are not too many and should be made to button."
ROPE
"...but the best of all, which has received official sanction by the Alpine Club is made of three strands of the finest manilla hemp by John Buckingham of Bloomsbury."
CRAMPONS
"They consist of a framework of the best steel, in two parts, hinged together under the instep, and carrying ten large spikes. They will be made to order by the Albion Iron and Wirework Co."
GOURDS
"for holding wine, cold tea or whatever may be purchased at home or abroad. Silver's vulcanite felt covered gourds are good, though bulky to pack. The French leather bottles, with the hairy side of the skin in the interior, are the best of all gourds for mountaineers."
"A small spirit-flask, preferably of metal or vulcanite, should always be carried by one member of the party; but its contents should be kept for emergencies only."
Perhaps blogging will prove impossible this week, above the snowline....?
CLOTHES
"Climbing clothes should be made entirely of wool. A flannel shirt, stout stockings, and a knickerbocker suit of tweed, suggest themselves as appropriate, and are worn by most climbers.."
"A Norfolk jacket answers very well. It should be well supplied with pockets; nine or ten are not too many and should be made to button."
ROPE
"...but the best of all, which has received official sanction by the Alpine Club is made of three strands of the finest manilla hemp by John Buckingham of Bloomsbury."
CRAMPONS
"They consist of a framework of the best steel, in two parts, hinged together under the instep, and carrying ten large spikes. They will be made to order by the Albion Iron and Wirework Co."
GOURDS
"for holding wine, cold tea or whatever may be purchased at home or abroad. Silver's vulcanite felt covered gourds are good, though bulky to pack. The French leather bottles, with the hairy side of the skin in the interior, are the best of all gourds for mountaineers."
"A small spirit-flask, preferably of metal or vulcanite, should always be carried by one member of the party; but its contents should be kept for emergencies only."
Perhaps blogging will prove impossible this week, above the snowline....?
27th July The Chick That Shouldn't Be
Isabelle has re-written the laws of the Darwinian selection process again, from "Survival of the fittest" to the much more sentimental but wholly unworkable "All Survive". One of three chicks hatching this morning had given up its task of pecking through the eggshell, so required some assistance into this world. By the look of things, this new Chick That Shouldn't Be has received cossetting all day long and is now convinced that Isabelle is a hen, albeit a very large one.
"Do you think it could be a premature chick? He needs to sleep next to something warm"
"Well you can stay up here with it, because its like an oven upstairs tonight..."
"Do you think it could be a premature chick? He needs to sleep next to something warm"
"Well you can stay up here with it, because its like an oven upstairs tonight..."
26th July Suffering- Latest
It seemed a bit mad leaving the house at 10pm to run 10 miles. About as mad as cement hillwalking (see earlier). Stupidly I'd decided to reach this magical distance before the gross indulgence of going to the Alps. Now there's only two days left. As the running distance has incresed, different pains have come and gone and I felt like a Honda engine undergoing reliability trials on a test bed. First there was the lungs then the heart, internal organs (stitch), hips, then calves, ankles and feet.
Anyway by the time I got to the signpost that marks five miles I thought 'imagine if I had to turn round and run all the way back?' On the way back the pub must have just closed and I met someone homeward bound in the near total darkness. "F***ing hell Manny!" he exclaimed then went on to mutter something about heart attacks.
The whole concept is to suffer now in order to suffer less vis-a-vis The Alps. I've no way of knowing if I've suffered enough to benefit, only experience will tell.
Anyway by the time I got to the signpost that marks five miles I thought 'imagine if I had to turn round and run all the way back?' On the way back the pub must have just closed and I met someone homeward bound in the near total darkness. "F***ing hell Manny!" he exclaimed then went on to mutter something about heart attacks.
The whole concept is to suffer now in order to suffer less vis-a-vis The Alps. I've no way of knowing if I've suffered enough to benefit, only experience will tell.
25th July Actual Shopping, In This Heat?
To tell the truth I'm not as big a fan of Actual Shopping as some people, like Isabelle for instance. Now, despite trying to buy all this alpine stuff virtually from e-bay, time had now actually virtually run out. The penalty had been incurred of having to actually "go shopping".
I marched into the first outdoor emporium closely followed by Isabelle who presided over the inevitable colour matching anomalies. Given that today was, or at least felt like, the hottest whatever since whenever, it felt a bit mad asking "Do you have any thermal underwear in stock?"
At the next specialist store, I just handed the guy the list and said I need what it says here, here and here, which was easier. In this case the hot weather paid dividends as the market for ice climbing gear wasn't exactly at its peak. It felt embarrassing walking into the final port of call laden with bags from the competition round the corner. So to make them feel better I unloaded more money.
Luckily I'd just taken a wheelbarrow full of lead to the scrap merchants and received a wheelbarrow full of money in exchange, well... £36.00 to be exact. I told myself later that this made a big difference to the bill...
I marched into the first outdoor emporium closely followed by Isabelle who presided over the inevitable colour matching anomalies. Given that today was, or at least felt like, the hottest whatever since whenever, it felt a bit mad asking "Do you have any thermal underwear in stock?"
At the next specialist store, I just handed the guy the list and said I need what it says here, here and here, which was easier. In this case the hot weather paid dividends as the market for ice climbing gear wasn't exactly at its peak. It felt embarrassing walking into the final port of call laden with bags from the competition round the corner. So to make them feel better I unloaded more money.
Luckily I'd just taken a wheelbarrow full of lead to the scrap merchants and received a wheelbarrow full of money in exchange, well... £36.00 to be exact. I told myself later that this made a big difference to the bill...
24th July Corn Lice Country
Corn lice make the perfect irritant for a hot humid day in July. Carried by the wind, these tiny, flying insects seem to delight in crawling through sweat. Jim the joiner kept remarking on today's temperature. "Some heat!" "Warm though!" George the plumber was beset by the corn lice on account of wearing a white t-shirt which seemed to act as a powerful magnet. George then took the rather radical step of an all over body spraying with Vapona Knock Down Fly and Wasp Killer (do not breathe vapour). A human scale equivalent to mass destruction with Sarin nerve gas...
The air conditioning was full-on in McDonalds but I couldn't eat-in out of respect to my own psyche. I don't mind eating plastic but there's no need to sit there surrounded by it?
I squeezed past some of the other clientele and strolled back in the heat to the Daihatsu. Then the damn corn lice kept drifting in through the open door and windows. I shut everything up but the heat was kind of stultifying, what with all the days exertions. I drifted off, unconciously releasing my grip on my take-way coffee... The result was an unanticipated awakening, saturated shorts, a burning sensation, and the death of several pairs of corn lice.
The air conditioning was full-on in McDonalds but I couldn't eat-in out of respect to my own psyche. I don't mind eating plastic but there's no need to sit there surrounded by it?
I squeezed past some of the other clientele and strolled back in the heat to the Daihatsu. Then the damn corn lice kept drifting in through the open door and windows. I shut everything up but the heat was kind of stultifying, what with all the days exertions. I drifted off, unconciously releasing my grip on my take-way coffee... The result was an unanticipated awakening, saturated shorts, a burning sensation, and the death of several pairs of corn lice.
23rd July My Feet Object
I'm afraid my particular style of dance, when taken to excess, often leads to blisters on one or both big toes. This must have been the case last night, fuelled by Real Ale and pork, quite alone, jumping up and down in a very personal interpretation of certain tracks, but not Bob Dylan.
By 3am I found the tent, then listened to Bob Dylan a while longer, well about 3 nano seconds...
By morning it was clear from the skin on my feet I could have jeopardised the whole alpine experience on account of Pogo-ing...
"Well it serves you right!" would have been Mothers response, "You should have more sense than that." etc etc...
By 3am I found the tent, then listened to Bob Dylan a while longer, well about 3 nano seconds...
By morning it was clear from the skin on my feet I could have jeopardised the whole alpine experience on account of Pogo-ing...
"Well it serves you right!" would have been Mothers response, "You should have more sense than that." etc etc...
22nd July BBQ Evening
Here we are a little worse the wear at the grand Annual 2 day pig leg roast BBQ thing at locholly Farm. A time to catch up with friends and aquaintances. Al said he'd put a comment on the \Daily Arse that it was banal in fact just alot of rubbish about nothing. So he was filled with a certain amount of trepidation meeting me again because I might have been offended. In reality there'd been some hiccup and there never was a comment to be offended by. Still, here we all are a little trhe worse the wear and maybe it is a lot of rubbish about nothing. Am I ofgfended?well partially yes... Why should i be?
Your punishment exercise is write out 100 lines
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
etc...
Your punishment exercise is write out 100 lines
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
I must be more engaging and interesting when i write.
etc...
21 July Loss of Face/ Loss of Skin
They won't let you loose on the indoor climbing walls until you've forked out for three training sessions. Imagine the bad press in the event of hitting the deck from the top of what used to be a church... well it wouldn't be good for business.
I was paired up with a mother and daughter combo. Mother was game enough but daughter started to get a bit girlie above ten feet off the ground. Our instruction in use of ropes etc was handled by young whatshername? probably about nineteen.
I felt a bit outnumbered and also a bit mental on account of arriving directly from Mr & Mrs M's Chimney and looking a bit worse the wear for soot, filth etc.
The only fall to earth occured on the bouldering section, suposedly low enough for clowning around on.
The routes everywhere are colour co-ordinated in difficulty:
Too Easy
A Doddle
Quite Interesting
This Is It
Get down you'll fall!
Falling...
The highest point of a Get Down You'll Fall traverse became a vertical descent. Ribs grazed over one of the lower bollard hand holds which are slightly abrasive...
Young Whatshername? said that was probably a difficult move. The Game Mum chimed in with "It's lucky they've got those mats there..."
I was paired up with a mother and daughter combo. Mother was game enough but daughter started to get a bit girlie above ten feet off the ground. Our instruction in use of ropes etc was handled by young whatshername? probably about nineteen.
I felt a bit outnumbered and also a bit mental on account of arriving directly from Mr & Mrs M's Chimney and looking a bit worse the wear for soot, filth etc.
The only fall to earth occured on the bouldering section, suposedly low enough for clowning around on.
The routes everywhere are colour co-ordinated in difficulty:
Too Easy
A Doddle
Quite Interesting
This Is It
Get down you'll fall!
Falling...
The highest point of a Get Down You'll Fall traverse became a vertical descent. Ribs grazed over one of the lower bollard hand holds which are slightly abrasive...
Young Whatshername? said that was probably a difficult move. The Game Mum chimed in with "It's lucky they've got those mats there..."
20th July Where does it All Go?
This book I was dipping into at Mr & Mrs M's purports to explain a lot of life's ills through our relationship with money. Starting with our first love, The Piggy Bank.
I began with a Glees plastic sweet box, then as I bettered my finances, graduated to a Lyons Coffee tin. In a short time I would have accumulated enough wealth to never need to work before I'd even had to start.
Mr and Mrs M seemed to have moved up to something like a biscuit tin.
I began with a Glees plastic sweet box, then as I bettered my finances, graduated to a Lyons Coffee tin. In a short time I would have accumulated enough wealth to never need to work before I'd even had to start.
Mr and Mrs M seemed to have moved up to something like a biscuit tin.
19th July The Goggle Police
For those of us who suffer from GBE syndrome (George Bush's Eyes) I looked forward to the arrival of my Aqua Sphere swimming goggles. These were purchased online and promised to be leak proof no matter how close together ones eyes are.
The package arrived, and on opening, the secret to the leakproof seal was revealed; more of a mask than a pair of goggles. Hmmmm...
That is if goggles are denoted by separate eyepieces. The Aqua Sphere went right across the forehead in one piece, so technically it was a mask, but a discreet one. The thing was, would it be picked up by the Goggle Police at the Leisure Pool. Mind you the box that the goggles or is it goggle? came in depicted swimmers frolicing with impunity in what looked like a public pool.
In the past a child in my charge had been dealt with in a very summary fashion for the wearing of a mask by the authorities. So it was with some trepidation that I entered the training pool clutching the new goggle around the middle section as I strolled past the attendants.
The whistle blowing never happened, I'd got away with it! They obviously hadn't realised that I was setting a precedent and could be the thin end of the wedge as far as masks are concerned. The council may need to take advice on sharpening up their definition of Mask/Goggles...
The package arrived, and on opening, the secret to the leakproof seal was revealed; more of a mask than a pair of goggles. Hmmmm...
That is if goggles are denoted by separate eyepieces. The Aqua Sphere went right across the forehead in one piece, so technically it was a mask, but a discreet one. The thing was, would it be picked up by the Goggle Police at the Leisure Pool. Mind you the box that the goggles or is it goggle? came in depicted swimmers frolicing with impunity in what looked like a public pool.
In the past a child in my charge had been dealt with in a very summary fashion for the wearing of a mask by the authorities. So it was with some trepidation that I entered the training pool clutching the new goggle around the middle section as I strolled past the attendants.
The whistle blowing never happened, I'd got away with it! They obviously hadn't realised that I was setting a precedent and could be the thin end of the wedge as far as masks are concerned. The council may need to take advice on sharpening up their definition of Mask/Goggles...
18th July "Ideally Situated for More Hassle"
I woke up in the Red Onion Bistro as if I'd had a bad dream; Isabelle had arranged a viewing of a one bedroom flat in Cronton Place, a bijoux little number but subject to a Repairs Notice from the Local Council.
"In need of some upgrading" is how the selling solicitors put it. Their description of the accomodation failed to mention anything about... oh wait a minute, I might have missed that bit;
"Tiled shower room with electric shower, wall mounted washhand basin, W.C. and extensive mould growth."
and further: "A double bedroom with window to the front surrounded by mildew, built in cupboard, collapsing ceiling and more mildew. Ideal for First Time Buyer, Holiday Let or Buy to Let property."
For a moment I'd thought it wasn't real...
It's hard to imagine anything worse than having to spend every weekend for another year "renovating" a top floor flat. How could I even have begun to consider it? All the while shelling out for the mortgage payments as the list of things to do seems to go on forever... What's worrying is that I could delude myself into the idea, despite all evidence, that it "wouldn't take long to do" or "shouldn't be too difficult"... Previous quote could be revised to "nothing fades faster than the memory of installing a kitchen from IKEA..."
"In need of some upgrading" is how the selling solicitors put it. Their description of the accomodation failed to mention anything about... oh wait a minute, I might have missed that bit;
"Tiled shower room with electric shower, wall mounted washhand basin, W.C. and extensive mould growth."
and further: "A double bedroom with window to the front surrounded by mildew, built in cupboard, collapsing ceiling and more mildew. Ideal for First Time Buyer, Holiday Let or Buy to Let property."
For a moment I'd thought it wasn't real...
It's hard to imagine anything worse than having to spend every weekend for another year "renovating" a top floor flat. How could I even have begun to consider it? All the while shelling out for the mortgage payments as the list of things to do seems to go on forever... What's worrying is that I could delude myself into the idea, despite all evidence, that it "wouldn't take long to do" or "shouldn't be too difficult"... Previous quote could be revised to "nothing fades faster than the memory of installing a kitchen from IKEA..."
17th July Extreme Hillwalking
In the interests of simulating Alpine climbing the procedure was simple enough. Take one rucksack and fill with cement (Ordinary Portland). In this case some of the bag of cement had been used last Thursday so I threw in a couple of common bricks for good measure. Once Isabelle instructed me in the use of the complicated digital scales, the balance tipped at 20kgs, which may not seem like much but it's almost a third of my bodyweight. This would technically put me at - in the old money - 13st 9lbs, Obese, but not morbidly so.
Aly Platinum (not his real name) was keen for an evening bash up West Lomond in the interests of Blood Pressure, but with the proviso that "I'm not as fit as you."
"That's ok" I said "because I'll be carrying a bag of cement."
"Right..."
Once underway in the rigid soled boots and weighted down as detailed above, it felt exactly like climbing a hill with a bag of cement on your back.
It was still warm in the evening sun, as we made our way between sheep, lambs and their droppings. I tried not to think of the 1200 ft or so of climbing ahead. Each footstep felt extra heavy and deliberate, and despite weighing in at roughly the same without the cement, Aly Platinum seemed to dance away quite swiftly in comparison.
I said "I don't know how you can live with yourself lugging this sort of weight around all day."
"It just shows you how fit I am really."
"You mean that paradoxically, if you lose weight you'll get weaker and less fit."
"Exactly."
Having reached the top with the cement, A.P. had to say he was very surprised, because that's what he'd said he would be if I ever got there when we left the car at the bottom.
Needless to say, coming down was worse, and the last half-mile seemed - aaaaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh - more than half a mile.
Aly Platinum (not his real name) was keen for an evening bash up West Lomond in the interests of Blood Pressure, but with the proviso that "I'm not as fit as you."
"That's ok" I said "because I'll be carrying a bag of cement."
"Right..."
Once underway in the rigid soled boots and weighted down as detailed above, it felt exactly like climbing a hill with a bag of cement on your back.
It was still warm in the evening sun, as we made our way between sheep, lambs and their droppings. I tried not to think of the 1200 ft or so of climbing ahead. Each footstep felt extra heavy and deliberate, and despite weighing in at roughly the same without the cement, Aly Platinum seemed to dance away quite swiftly in comparison.
I said "I don't know how you can live with yourself lugging this sort of weight around all day."
"It just shows you how fit I am really."
"You mean that paradoxically, if you lose weight you'll get weaker and less fit."
"Exactly."
Having reached the top with the cement, A.P. had to say he was very surprised, because that's what he'd said he would be if I ever got there when we left the car at the bottom.
Needless to say, coming down was worse, and the last half-mile seemed - aaaaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh - more than half a mile.
16th July Calling International Pigeon Rescue
At approximately 0930 hrs the new pigeon made a successful bid for freedom. I was conscripted to ensnare it on top of the 30 foot container, where it chose to alight. However despite its current disabilities Pigeon II appears to have excellent eyesight and doesn't have any problems flying either, as it next chose a much loftier perch way above the roof. However this was still within reach by a precarious series of ladders...
I emerged from the highest one of these and peered over the parapet... just the flat lead roof and no birds of any description.
Isabelle was a bit fretful and spent the best part of the day looking skyward, and scanning the treetops, despite having shut all the cats in...
I was convinced that the homing instinct would take the pigeon straight back to its last known address on the High Street. Contrary to expectation evening saw the stray bird roosting on top of the chimney stack. It would be easily ambushed later on...
Suddenly Isabelle sprang awake halfway through BBC 2's Panorama.
"Owls! Could the pigeon be taken in the dark?"
"Well, it's possible I suppose."
Another task for IPR! Creeping across the slates in stocking feet in the dark the errant newcomer was soon back in protective custody thanks once again to, step forward: International Pigeon Rescue... De de de der/ de de de der de de de der...
I emerged from the highest one of these and peered over the parapet... just the flat lead roof and no birds of any description.
Isabelle was a bit fretful and spent the best part of the day looking skyward, and scanning the treetops, despite having shut all the cats in...
I was convinced that the homing instinct would take the pigeon straight back to its last known address on the High Street. Contrary to expectation evening saw the stray bird roosting on top of the chimney stack. It would be easily ambushed later on...
Suddenly Isabelle sprang awake halfway through BBC 2's Panorama.
"Owls! Could the pigeon be taken in the dark?"
"Well, it's possible I suppose."
Another task for IPR! Creeping across the slates in stocking feet in the dark the errant newcomer was soon back in protective custody thanks once again to, step forward: International Pigeon Rescue... De de de der/ de de de der de de de der...
15th July Pigeon in Under Age Scandal
Isabelle introduced me to another pigeon which had got into some difficulty outside Marks & Spencer's. The grounded fledgling was stuck there amongst the Saturday shoppers until its timely rescue. This new bird came home in the car quite happily in a Tesco bag. I said that's how they sell them in Vietnam. Of course its not too good on its feet at the moment, due to one thing or another.
Donnie the Original Pigeon from outside Matalan was keen to get introduced, not having seen any member of his own species for over a year, and also in that time having reached full maturity. Gyrating as pigeons do, he was cooing and puffing up his irridescent breast in a frantic display. However the young newcomer was really only interested in the eating of seeds.
Donnie, it has to be said, made rather a beast of himself and the newcomer, in an attempt to escape the unwanted attention stumbled, flapping, into the water bowl. "Puff Minor" the frustrated cockerel was attracted by the ensuing aggro and was keen to join in any rammie.
The end result was that the pigeon had to be rescued for the second time this afternoon, by Isabelle.
Donnie the Original Pigeon from outside Matalan was keen to get introduced, not having seen any member of his own species for over a year, and also in that time having reached full maturity. Gyrating as pigeons do, he was cooing and puffing up his irridescent breast in a frantic display. However the young newcomer was really only interested in the eating of seeds.
Donnie, it has to be said, made rather a beast of himself and the newcomer, in an attempt to escape the unwanted attention stumbled, flapping, into the water bowl. "Puff Minor" the frustrated cockerel was attracted by the ensuing aggro and was keen to join in any rammie.
The end result was that the pigeon had to be rescued for the second time this afternoon, by Isabelle.
14th July Triathlon Training Teething Troubles
Isabelle says I should have space for another eye between my own pair. This gives the perfect distancing for eyes. Maybe this is just the average. Too far apart and the effect is otherworldly like a tuna-fish, too close together and the impression is of shiftiness, hinting at a vague criminality like George Bush.
If George has any plans to enter a Triathlon, he would most likely be faced with the same problem with swimming goggles. The non-standard spacing results in a lack of flesh at the nose bridge, or the eyeballs are off centre with the lenses. Any more than two lengths of the leisure pool is like repeatedly swilling with two eyebaths of chlorine.
How would George manage then to swim 16 lengths without stopping to empty his Speedo goggles? I did once try to solve this problem by gluing the goggles on with silicon rubber but this only resulted in skin problems despite priming the area around the eye sockets with soya margarine...
If George has any plans to enter a Triathlon, he would most likely be faced with the same problem with swimming goggles. The non-standard spacing results in a lack of flesh at the nose bridge, or the eyeballs are off centre with the lenses. Any more than two lengths of the leisure pool is like repeatedly swilling with two eyebaths of chlorine.
How would George manage then to swim 16 lengths without stopping to empty his Speedo goggles? I did once try to solve this problem by gluing the goggles on with silicon rubber but this only resulted in skin problems despite priming the area around the eye sockets with soya margarine...
13th July Ticking off Some Climbs
Armed with Peters 1960's copy of the guidebook, I was keen to make use of the 50 metres of secondhand climbing rope, a bargain from the Errol Car Boot sale.
"Of course you're meant to go over every inch of it with a fine tooth comb looking for cuts and abrasions aren't you?"
"Achh, it looks all right though."
"They wouldn't have knowingly sold you a defective rope."
"Yes, but... it was money for old rope all the same."
Peter's part in the process was to act as a dead weight on the other end of it, in the event of me parting company with Bollard Buttress Direct (80 ft Severe). This difficulty should have been upped a grade on account of the fights I had with the car boot rope getting tangled in various species of broom and heather.
Ticks can be an added interest this time of year. On the last visit it was a couple of days before I noticed one with its head buried in my groin. The answer is smothering the creature with Castrol LM Grease.
On the drive back conversation turned to how stealthy the tick can be as a climber, together with speculation as to what they actually do whilst waiting for something warm blooded to pass by? A tick must on occasion go through its whole life and never bury its head in anything.
It was just about then that I noticed one making its way up the east side of Peter's face, it was on Upper Jaw Direct making for the steep overhang at Earlobe Corner. I said I think you've got a facial tic(k) there. Peter remained in control of the Volvo but now the tick is living somewhere down near the clutch and brake pedals.
"Of course you're meant to go over every inch of it with a fine tooth comb looking for cuts and abrasions aren't you?"
"Achh, it looks all right though."
"They wouldn't have knowingly sold you a defective rope."
"Yes, but... it was money for old rope all the same."
Peter's part in the process was to act as a dead weight on the other end of it, in the event of me parting company with Bollard Buttress Direct (80 ft Severe). This difficulty should have been upped a grade on account of the fights I had with the car boot rope getting tangled in various species of broom and heather.
Ticks can be an added interest this time of year. On the last visit it was a couple of days before I noticed one with its head buried in my groin. The answer is smothering the creature with Castrol LM Grease.
On the drive back conversation turned to how stealthy the tick can be as a climber, together with speculation as to what they actually do whilst waiting for something warm blooded to pass by? A tick must on occasion go through its whole life and never bury its head in anything.
It was just about then that I noticed one making its way up the east side of Peter's face, it was on Upper Jaw Direct making for the steep overhang at Earlobe Corner. I said I think you've got a facial tic(k) there. Peter remained in control of the Volvo but now the tick is living somewhere down near the clutch and brake pedals.
12th July Film Review-The Da Vinci Code
The plot of the Da Vinci Code turned out to be about as believable as Stuart Little.
In fact I had to suspend my disbelief for so long I started to get cramp in one arm.
I thought about asking for some sort of hook to hang it on or a refund and telling the manager that they should be done under the trades description act; Drama/Suspense/Thriller?!!!
Instead I started closing my eyes during some of the more protracted dialogue.
Then there would be bright lights or sounds of a gun, had they finally traced the whereabouts of the scriptwriter?... No.
Finally it was revealed to Tom Hanks that the last living decendant of Jesus's blood line was indeed the talking mouse Stuart Little, errr...well it may as well have been one of our cats.
To be honest I thought it was George Bush.
In fact I had to suspend my disbelief for so long I started to get cramp in one arm.
I thought about asking for some sort of hook to hang it on or a refund and telling the manager that they should be done under the trades description act; Drama/Suspense/Thriller?!!!
Instead I started closing my eyes during some of the more protracted dialogue.
Then there would be bright lights or sounds of a gun, had they finally traced the whereabouts of the scriptwriter?... No.
Finally it was revealed to Tom Hanks that the last living decendant of Jesus's blood line was indeed the talking mouse Stuart Little, errr...well it may as well have been one of our cats.
To be honest I thought it was George Bush.
11th July Taking Some Flak
Held down by continued sniping for most of the morning, Colonel M. managed to make it out under heavy fire to the Ceramic Tile Warehouse. Then the Colonel's daughter caught me out on open ground with very little cover...
"Madness absolute madness! I thought you were going to get the tiles? He's supposed to be taking our friends out now, that's another hour wasted- at least!"
"I'm afraid he insisted in going to get the tiles himself."
The Colonel's choice of quarry tiles for the hearth incurred a certain amount of flak from the Obersturmbannführer a.k.a. his daughter. Then after luncheon when the tiles were laid she came out with all guns blazing.
"Bizarre! I just think they look bizarre, wouldn't slate have been better? I would have set them back another foot! Daddy! I thought you wanted brown tiles?"
"Well,this is all they had! Look darling, I don't want any fuss!"
"Couldn't you have ordered the proper ones, they could have been here by tomorrow."
"But I'm quite happy with these tiles."
Once the Obersturmbannführer had left, the Colonel blurted out; "Do you think I'm a bloody fool?!"
"...In what way, sir?" I replied, trying to get a handle on his choice of adjectives in this context.
"Well, is there something wrong with the tiles? You know, sometimes I can get rather angry with my daughter."
"Really?..."
"Madness absolute madness! I thought you were going to get the tiles? He's supposed to be taking our friends out now, that's another hour wasted- at least!"
"I'm afraid he insisted in going to get the tiles himself."
The Colonel's choice of quarry tiles for the hearth incurred a certain amount of flak from the Obersturmbannführer a.k.a. his daughter. Then after luncheon when the tiles were laid she came out with all guns blazing.
"Bizarre! I just think they look bizarre, wouldn't slate have been better? I would have set them back another foot! Daddy! I thought you wanted brown tiles?"
"Well,this is all they had! Look darling, I don't want any fuss!"
"Couldn't you have ordered the proper ones, they could have been here by tomorrow."
"But I'm quite happy with these tiles."
Once the Obersturmbannführer had left, the Colonel blurted out; "Do you think I'm a bloody fool?!"
"...In what way, sir?" I replied, trying to get a handle on his choice of adjectives in this context.
"Well, is there something wrong with the tiles? You know, sometimes I can get rather angry with my daughter."
"Really?..."
10th July Out on Surreal Manouvres
Reported for duty at Battalion HQ 0830 hrs. Lt Col. M. (retired) briefed me on the full frontal assault to be mounted on the basement chimney. The Boers, he said, were thoroughly prepared and acting on definite plans.They had large quantities of munitions, including a new form of heavy Maxim firing 1-inch shells...
(well, he might have said that)
Around coffee time, 1100 hrs, the Colonels daughter presented for a complete debriefing. She started to harry me around the ankles like a Yorkshire Terrier and got a bit snappy with it, referring to the soon to be installed Charnwood stove as "going to be sitting there forever like a white elephant". "They shouldn't be allowed to sell stoves like that because they're not environmentally friendly" she barked, "we could have had a windmill or solar panels here".
There seemed to have been a breakdown in the chain of command, exactly whose authority was I acting under?
"As you've probably gathered my daughters none to keen on the idea of a stove" announced the Colonel at 1600hrs afternoon tea-time. "With all due respect, Sir, I think I may have to take this matter up with your superior officer" I replied...
(well, he might have said that)
Around coffee time, 1100 hrs, the Colonels daughter presented for a complete debriefing. She started to harry me around the ankles like a Yorkshire Terrier and got a bit snappy with it, referring to the soon to be installed Charnwood stove as "going to be sitting there forever like a white elephant". "They shouldn't be allowed to sell stoves like that because they're not environmentally friendly" she barked, "we could have had a windmill or solar panels here".
There seemed to have been a breakdown in the chain of command, exactly whose authority was I acting under?
"As you've probably gathered my daughters none to keen on the idea of a stove" announced the Colonel at 1600hrs afternoon tea-time. "With all due respect, Sir, I think I may have to take this matter up with your superior officer" I replied...
9th July My Own Private Hell I Know
After a 6 mile walk-in to the foot of the hill, I could have just eaten my Tesco mackerel in tomato sauce and gone home, but now the slow climb to pointlessness had to begin. One Gortexed soon-to-be-father-for-the-second-time above me in the mist and driving rain, and two non-descript figures below, each lost in their own private world of sweat and muscular pain. The trudging upwards in mud followed the seemingly endless line of a rusting fence long since useless as a barrier for sheep.
It's difficult to explain the motivation behind hillwalking to oneself on a day such as this, especially if one knew what to expect. Two questions plague the mind; why am I doing this, and how much further can it possibly be now? Or rather when is this going to end?
After what seemed like the best part of a day the gradient plateaued near the summit and we were rewarded with a stronger wind in which to crouch down and eat.
On the descent the sun did come out for a while and everything looked about as green as things could ever be...
"Nothing fades faster than the memory of physical pain." This explains not only why hillwalking can seem enjoyable in retrospect but also why women would choose to give birth more than once...
It's difficult to explain the motivation behind hillwalking to oneself on a day such as this, especially if one knew what to expect. Two questions plague the mind; why am I doing this, and how much further can it possibly be now? Or rather when is this going to end?
After what seemed like the best part of a day the gradient plateaued near the summit and we were rewarded with a stronger wind in which to crouch down and eat.
On the descent the sun did come out for a while and everything looked about as green as things could ever be...
"Nothing fades faster than the memory of physical pain." This explains not only why hillwalking can seem enjoyable in retrospect but also why women would choose to give birth more than once...
8th July The Truth About Self-Sufficiency
If we had to support ourselves on home produce, weight would be no more than an academic problem.
I was out picking strawberries, in total about 6. At one time there was about 60 a day, but these new plants, I don't know? Then there's the slugs, always hungry for something ripe, and lets not forget that mould stuff.
Blackcurrants? Isabelle claimed that the birds don't bother with them so they were left uncovered. Curiously the only remaining ones are just above the height that a hen can reach. Those "useless mouths" (if you'll allow me to quote Himmler for a moment); one hen is currently incubating what will no doubt turn out to be another couple of cockerels. So egg production is down at present. That doesn't stop them consuming 25 kgs of maize every couple of weeks along with an ever growing population of sparrows, but we like birds here.
Cherries? These have a habit of shrivelling up to the size of the stone inside before falling off, the surviving fruits are considered a great delicacy by the blackbird population.
Raspberries? Suffering from being moved in the great rearrangement of the garden but surprisingly unaffected by birds and with luck will probably yield a bumper crop sufficient for a pot of jam.
Pears? Normally turn out like bullets, maybe they're just a cooking pear?
Apples? Looking good apart from the sapling that the cat climbed up and broke off.
Blackberries? Practically inedible anyway, unaffected by birds.
Plums? Thousands of plums compared to about 4 last year, depends on frosts.
It's either a feast or a famine, but overall it's just famine permanently...
I was out picking strawberries, in total about 6. At one time there was about 60 a day, but these new plants, I don't know? Then there's the slugs, always hungry for something ripe, and lets not forget that mould stuff.
Blackcurrants? Isabelle claimed that the birds don't bother with them so they were left uncovered. Curiously the only remaining ones are just above the height that a hen can reach. Those "useless mouths" (if you'll allow me to quote Himmler for a moment); one hen is currently incubating what will no doubt turn out to be another couple of cockerels. So egg production is down at present. That doesn't stop them consuming 25 kgs of maize every couple of weeks along with an ever growing population of sparrows, but we like birds here.
Cherries? These have a habit of shrivelling up to the size of the stone inside before falling off, the surviving fruits are considered a great delicacy by the blackbird population.
Raspberries? Suffering from being moved in the great rearrangement of the garden but surprisingly unaffected by birds and with luck will probably yield a bumper crop sufficient for a pot of jam.
Pears? Normally turn out like bullets, maybe they're just a cooking pear?
Apples? Looking good apart from the sapling that the cat climbed up and broke off.
Blackberries? Practically inedible anyway, unaffected by birds.
Plums? Thousands of plums compared to about 4 last year, depends on frosts.
It's either a feast or a famine, but overall it's just famine permanently...
7th July Wetherspoons Fun Run
It was my idea as a recompense to have something to eat at "that cheap place". Struat had helped move a collection of rotting mattresses and other broken and decaying furniture. It did cross my mind to put it on e-bay as " A starter package for furnished flat letting", but in the end Struat convinced me to keep a suitcase full of Scalectrix track, "worth a fortune on e-bay", yeah well....
So I had a pint of japanese lager and In-flight catering style steak pie with freeze dried broccoli served on a bed of oven chips. I 'm glad I didn't have the microwaved apple pie and custard or the fudge cake with aerosol cream (not like some people), because I already had an agreement to punish myself severly with what would be tonight an 8 mile run (following the Greek Tragedy programme, see earlier posts).
To cut a long story short when I got to the 3 mile mark, previously spray painted on the road, the fun really started because I had to break off running to have a No. 2. After that I was able to push on to the 4 mile point with only mild heartburn before turning round.
These new running shoes I had to buy weren't cheap but I'd reasoned that because I was getting a headache at 7 miles it was false economy to run further in Isabelles old £20 trainers that she thought she'd thrown out...
So I had a pint of japanese lager and In-flight catering style steak pie with freeze dried broccoli served on a bed of oven chips. I 'm glad I didn't have the microwaved apple pie and custard or the fudge cake with aerosol cream (not like some people), because I already had an agreement to punish myself severly with what would be tonight an 8 mile run (following the Greek Tragedy programme, see earlier posts).
To cut a long story short when I got to the 3 mile mark, previously spray painted on the road, the fun really started because I had to break off running to have a No. 2. After that I was able to push on to the 4 mile point with only mild heartburn before turning round.
These new running shoes I had to buy weren't cheap but I'd reasoned that because I was getting a headache at 7 miles it was false economy to run further in Isabelles old £20 trainers that she thought she'd thrown out...
6th July Alpine Report
Spent most of the evening poring over Ebay for various articles deemed vital for climbing in the Alps. To date I have boots and an ice axe. Theoretically at the moment I could be stood there on a glacier in a pair of underpants... The thing is, how do you know that you're not bidding on a fake North Face Gortex jacket? Only when you've finally succumbed to exposure in a blizzard?
"....I..I...think ..this.. jacket must be a.....a......."
" Yes?...go on.... a?.. a what?.."
"........"
Overall this Alpine indulgence is shaping up to be probably the most expensive week ever, (well, second only to when I signed half the house away that is).
The insurance from The British Mountaineering Council covers, amongst other things, the full cost of having one's body returned home, which of course is a great reassurance in itself...
"....I..I...think ..this.. jacket must be a.....a......."
" Yes?...go on.... a?.. a what?.."
"........"
Overall this Alpine indulgence is shaping up to be probably the most expensive week ever, (well, second only to when I signed half the house away that is).
The insurance from The British Mountaineering Council covers, amongst other things, the full cost of having one's body returned home, which of course is a great reassurance in itself...
5th July Postman's Knock
The postman died on Sunday but the mail still keeps coming, mainly bills of course.
Isabelle shed a tear. I said "What exactly was it that made you sad?"
"The fact that he'll never drive down our road again, and see another sunny day like today."
"Is that it?'
"Well, I'm happy he had June."
"Would it have been less sad if he'd died in February?"
"No, because that would have been his last Christmas."
"I thought as much, that's why I didn't say January. What if he'd died in March?"
"Then he'd have missed the summer."
"I'm just trying to think of a month when it would be ok to die."
"I think September would be alright."
"Yes but he might have had his holidays booked..."
Isabelle shed a tear. I said "What exactly was it that made you sad?"
"The fact that he'll never drive down our road again, and see another sunny day like today."
"Is that it?'
"Well, I'm happy he had June."
"Would it have been less sad if he'd died in February?"
"No, because that would have been his last Christmas."
"I thought as much, that's why I didn't say January. What if he'd died in March?"
"Then he'd have missed the summer."
"I'm just trying to think of a month when it would be ok to die."
"I think September would be alright."
"Yes but he might have had his holidays booked..."
4th July Make Your Own Soccer Club
Mrs S. sat there in the living room reading a crime thriller. "Eee! there's some good murders in this" she commented. At the time I was labouring over some ill matched piece of steel with all the usual frustrations (imagine doing this for a living, Eh!...) Conversation turned to family matters. Turns out one of Mrs S's daughters was a grandmother at 34, and at that time Mrs S's mother was still on the go, giving a living representation of 5 generations!
" It's a pity there's so many boys though" she said of her grandchildren.
"Oh?" I enquired.
"Yes just the one grand-daughter and eleven grandsons.
"Eleven! What, like a football team?"
DREAM
Last night I dreamt I was being discharged from hospital after a long illness. This could have been either mental or physical or any combination. I was walking back to the ward and there was all my stuff thrown out in the corridor like a divorce or maybe more like one of those hints to leave home and get on with it. All that was required was a signature and I was free to go. I was "better" but I wanted to stay because It felt safer to remain "ill"...
" It's a pity there's so many boys though" she said of her grandchildren.
"Oh?" I enquired.
"Yes just the one grand-daughter and eleven grandsons.
"Eleven! What, like a football team?"
DREAM
Last night I dreamt I was being discharged from hospital after a long illness. This could have been either mental or physical or any combination. I was walking back to the ward and there was all my stuff thrown out in the corridor like a divorce or maybe more like one of those hints to leave home and get on with it. All that was required was a signature and I was free to go. I was "better" but I wanted to stay because It felt safer to remain "ill"...
3rd July Kestrel Crack -Severe
Having had all the ropes and stuff organised for me I was free to begin the climb. In the event of a fall two of us might die but Peter who was stood at the bottom with the guidebook would be able to capture it on camera, to explain to Isabelle. Climbing was easier without the need, in this instance, to carry a bucket of cement or any kind of Bosch power tool.
Despite the recent rain the rock was dry enough and surprisingly there weren't any decomposing deer that had plummeted down. This had been Peters forecast along with clouds of evening midges based on memory of the early 1970's.
Once absorbed in the process of solving the 3-dimensional puzzle with hands and feet, it was all over before it had hardly begun. Then I was left wanting more, a sure sign of a rare enthusiasm.
I was warned off climbing something else, due to technical reasons without a rope, because it would have been harder to explain to Isabelle or at the Inquest.
Then playtime was over because it was getting late and I had to go in for my tea because I had school in the morning.
Despite the recent rain the rock was dry enough and surprisingly there weren't any decomposing deer that had plummeted down. This had been Peters forecast along with clouds of evening midges based on memory of the early 1970's.
Once absorbed in the process of solving the 3-dimensional puzzle with hands and feet, it was all over before it had hardly begun. Then I was left wanting more, a sure sign of a rare enthusiasm.
I was warned off climbing something else, due to technical reasons without a rope, because it would have been harder to explain to Isabelle or at the Inquest.
Then playtime was over because it was getting late and I had to go in for my tea because I had school in the morning.
2nd July Mojo Working (Not)
When I had a lie in on Saturday the usual thing happened. The Blues. The normal trick is to jump out of bed and switch off the cleverly positioned alarm at the other side of the room. A simple workman-like strategy that masks any inherent sinking feeling.
Mother had it summed up early on: "You're not very enthusiastic are you?". The root cause could be simply genetic or the consequence of a happy childhood.
Things can only get...worse? It's a statistical fact: regression to mean. Good follows bad, and bad follows good. Thus the future's... brown.
When higher functioning is anaethetised, for instance by drink, ironically at the Dundee Blues Festival, the future is no more of a concern than it is to our budgie.
The result is ENTHUSIASM, this is why budgies chatter so incessantly.
Mother had it summed up early on: "You're not very enthusiastic are you?". The root cause could be simply genetic or the consequence of a happy childhood.
Things can only get...worse? It's a statistical fact: regression to mean. Good follows bad, and bad follows good. Thus the future's... brown.
When higher functioning is anaethetised, for instance by drink, ironically at the Dundee Blues Festival, the future is no more of a concern than it is to our budgie.
The result is ENTHUSIASM, this is why budgies chatter so incessantly.
1st July Report from the toilets at the Old Bank Bar
10.47pm and I'm just about Blues'd out at the Dundee International Blues Festival. I've still got 3/4 of a pint of McEwans 80's shilling to go before I can legitimately evacuate this venue. There's really not much to say apart from it's been a jolly good blast. I totally recommend it.
Cheerio.
PS. I'm so stupid with drink, so I can't think of anything intelligent to say. So as long I can recollect the destination for the taxi, I'll should be OK.
Cheerio.
PS. I'm so stupid with drink, so I can't think of anything intelligent to say. So as long I can recollect the destination for the taxi, I'll should be OK.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)