No doubt April will turn out to be the warmest April since thermometers were invented, like March.
Leaving for the leisure pool a pale full moon is rising above the wood as the sun's rays come low over the green field of spring barley. Clouds, recently, seem to be a thing of the past.
At the top of the hill the town below seems like another town in an imaginary country, the sky glowing slightly red above the distant hills, somehow portentous.
This beautiful, dry weather doesn't seem natural, it makes you wonder if maybe we're all going to die soon?
Like the calm before a storm.
29th April. Married Life Template 25(a).
The following conversation utilises one of a small number of basic templates, each applicable to a wide variety of situations throughout Married Life. Just edit the words in brackets.
"You said it would take [a weekend] to [build that shed], it's taken [two] weeks!"
The fact that the [Daihatsu's MOT challenge] had to be worked around seems like a feeble excuse.
"All these [endless cups of tea], the [workshop] has to be [built] before we [go to Venice]."
[Venice]? argh, yes, course we've only just got back from... now where was it ?
"If it's taken [two] weeks to [build an eight by four shed] how long is a [twenty-four foot workshop] going to take?!! We'll have to get a firm in."
"You said it would take [a weekend] to [build that shed], it's taken [two] weeks!"
The fact that the [Daihatsu's MOT challenge] had to be worked around seems like a feeble excuse.
"All these [endless cups of tea], the [workshop] has to be [built] before we [go to Venice]."
[Venice]? argh, yes, course we've only just got back from... now where was it ?
"If it's taken [two] weeks to [build an eight by four shed] how long is a [twenty-four foot workshop] going to take?!! We'll have to get a firm in."
28th April. Asparagus Night.
A red wine aperitif served in a very large glass preceeded the main course of farm fresh asparagus served with cheap champagne followed by a digestif of bottled Peroni beer.
Isabelle retired early, partly on account of weariness with my conversation which in these circumstances can drift towards the sandbank of self-absorption and once there easily become stuck-fast.
Then a few beers later as talk continued with J. and Stuart, I suddenly realised mid-sentence that whatever I was talking about didn't make any sense to me, let alone anyone else. I'd actually reached a point where I'd managed to bore myself silly.
Isabelle retired early, partly on account of weariness with my conversation which in these circumstances can drift towards the sandbank of self-absorption and once there easily become stuck-fast.
Then a few beers later as talk continued with J. and Stuart, I suddenly realised mid-sentence that whatever I was talking about didn't make any sense to me, let alone anyone else. I'd actually reached a point where I'd managed to bore myself silly.
27th April. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.
The man at the only one of two garages in the area that will do a motorcycle MOT says "That front tyre's looking a bit soft" whilst he bounces up and down on the front forks in what looks like an all out effort to push whatever fork oil remains past the seals.
I thought he was going to fail me just because the tyre wasn't hard enough. Anyway he gets the airline off the wall - "Eleven PSI! "
"Well it's been lying over the winter" I explained. He checks the back tyre tut, tutting whilst inflating the tyre from ten up to thirty PSI.
"Did you check ANYTHING on the bike, I bet you didn't - look the cobwebs are still on it!"
"After three-quarters of an hour spent pushing , pulling and yanking at every component the MOT man is forced to give up and exclaims "I can't BELIEVE it! It's passed!!!"
I have to admit that prior to the re-inflation of the tyres handling had become a litttle unforgiving especially with regard to cornering on fast A roads. Imagine what they'd have said at this second inquest of the week (see previous).
I thought he was going to fail me just because the tyre wasn't hard enough. Anyway he gets the airline off the wall - "Eleven PSI! "
"Well it's been lying over the winter" I explained. He checks the back tyre tut, tutting whilst inflating the tyre from ten up to thirty PSI.
"Did you check ANYTHING on the bike, I bet you didn't - look the cobwebs are still on it!"
"After three-quarters of an hour spent pushing , pulling and yanking at every component the MOT man is forced to give up and exclaims "I can't BELIEVE it! It's passed!!!"
I have to admit that prior to the re-inflation of the tyres handling had become a litttle unforgiving especially with regard to cornering on fast A roads. Imagine what they'd have said at this second inquest of the week (see previous).
26th April. When the Cock Crows Three Times or More.
Did the cock crow once or twice before Peter's third denial? These type of Biblical questions are merely academic, this morning I decided to measure the Cockerel crowing frequency 'chez nous'. Over a typical two minute period the average rate was once every 12 seconds.
"Truly I say to you, this very morning, before a cock crows one hundred and twenty times I shall lose my grip on reason".
I'm seized by a desire to cull the whole lot apart from The Cream Puff and dispose of the bodies in the wood then make a strenuous denial.
However faith in the Marriage could easily be undermined, some acts cannot be forgiven especially those of a premeditated nature.
"Truly I say to you, this very morning, before a cock crows one hundred and twenty times I shall lose my grip on reason".
I'm seized by a desire to cull the whole lot apart from The Cream Puff and dispose of the bodies in the wood then make a strenuous denial.
However faith in the Marriage could easily be undermined, some acts cannot be forgiven especially those of a premeditated nature.
25th April. A Daihatsu Lullaby.
Had to stop in a lay-by and go to sleep before I was the subject of a Coroners inquest and that was at 6pm. So, delayed, I arrive at Mr & Mrs F's ex-farmhouse in the middle of endless moorland. Mr F goes into a similarly endless explanation about chimney problems; I have to draw a diagram. It's a classic case of building malpractice.
I drive back for 8pm without mishap, Isabelle is settling down with 'Property ladder', I leave for the Leisure Pool to avoid hearing any more chat about building work, swim sixty lengths drive back and get the end of 'The Apprentice', the bit where A. Sugar says 'You're Fired!'
The question is why am I awake now at 11.50pm, if I needed to go to sleep at 6 pm? Is driving just a form of hypnosis?
I drive back for 8pm without mishap, Isabelle is settling down with 'Property ladder', I leave for the Leisure Pool to avoid hearing any more chat about building work, swim sixty lengths drive back and get the end of 'The Apprentice', the bit where A. Sugar says 'You're Fired!'
The question is why am I awake now at 11.50pm, if I needed to go to sleep at 6 pm? Is driving just a form of hypnosis?
24th April. The Tube Mouse & The Wheeler.
Tonight I'm annoyed with myself because according to 'The Aerobics Way' by Kenneth H. Cooper 1970, a man of my age and decrepitude, running 1.5 miles in 12mins 20secs is deemed to be only 'Good' rather than 'Excellent' or even 'Superior' (10mins 30secs).
Meanwhile Isabelle gets comfortable in front of Channel 4.
The body reacts to the additional loading of exercise by increasing VO2 max, the volume of oxygen the body can use, 'the training effect'.
Similarly the body reacts to comfort and relaxation by an increasing state of breathlessness 'the anti-training effect'.
We are conducting a long term experiment here in Health & Efficiency. The results may or may not correlate well with the mice research of a few years ago.
Two mice of similar size and make up were fed an identical diet. The Tube Mouse spent most of it's time asleep in a toilet roll tube waking up only to eat. The Wheeler ran continuously night and day in a hamster wheel.
The results showed that The Wheeler wore itself out and the Tube Mouse lived to a good age.
Meanwhile Isabelle gets comfortable in front of Channel 4.
The body reacts to the additional loading of exercise by increasing VO2 max, the volume of oxygen the body can use, 'the training effect'.
Similarly the body reacts to comfort and relaxation by an increasing state of breathlessness 'the anti-training effect'.
We are conducting a long term experiment here in Health & Efficiency. The results may or may not correlate well with the mice research of a few years ago.
Two mice of similar size and make up were fed an identical diet. The Tube Mouse spent most of it's time asleep in a toilet roll tube waking up only to eat. The Wheeler ran continuously night and day in a hamster wheel.
The results showed that The Wheeler wore itself out and the Tube Mouse lived to a good age.
23rd April. Triumph of The Will!
When I got home it crossed my mind to open that bottle of Moet & Chandon by way of celebration; having been examined in accordance with Section 45 of the Road Traffic Act 1988 I have been awarded the highest qualification that the Department For Transport can bestow, an MOT Test Certificate!
"A THIRD time lucky middle-aged local man has spoken of his life-changing roadworthiness marathon with a 1995 Daihatsu which started when the previous MOT expired.
He told the PA the change the work has had on his life has been priceless – and an experience he hopes will inspire others, as well as raising over £75 for the Vehicle & Operator Services Agency.
He said: 'I am very proud that I achieved the challenge, which was a once in a lifetime event, I feel totally exhilarated and now ready to tackle anything that life has to offer me.'
Looking back on his astonishing journey, he said: 'Hopefully this will be an inspiration to others that anything can be achieved if you put your mind to it, whatever one’s circumstances.'
The father-of-one said: 'Commitment, enthusiasm and determination and most of all a good sense of humour was paramount.' "
"A THIRD time lucky middle-aged local man has spoken of his life-changing roadworthiness marathon with a 1995 Daihatsu which started when the previous MOT expired.
He told the PA the change the work has had on his life has been priceless – and an experience he hopes will inspire others, as well as raising over £75 for the Vehicle & Operator Services Agency.
He said: 'I am very proud that I achieved the challenge, which was a once in a lifetime event, I feel totally exhilarated and now ready to tackle anything that life has to offer me.'
Looking back on his astonishing journey, he said: 'Hopefully this will be an inspiration to others that anything can be achieved if you put your mind to it, whatever one’s circumstances.'
The father-of-one said: 'Commitment, enthusiasm and determination and most of all a good sense of humour was paramount.' "
22nd April. Stepford Fembots.
"So, given free reign, what would your idea of a perfect man be?" I said looking down from the step ladder up against the partially built 'storage solution' shed.
"A hard man, but who only shows his soft side to me."
"The fact that, as a jealous husband I'd be willing to bludgeon another man to death, doesn't that make me more attractive then?"
"No! I wouldn't want a murderer!"
"What's your ideal woman?"
"I find it hard to imagine any composite female, although I can see the attraction in some kind of Fembot that offered infinite variability."
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"A hard man, but who only shows his soft side to me."
"The fact that, as a jealous husband I'd be willing to bludgeon another man to death, doesn't that make me more attractive then?"
"No! I wouldn't want a murderer!"
"What's your ideal woman?"
"I find it hard to imagine any composite female, although I can see the attraction in some kind of Fembot that offered infinite variability."
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21st April. Relationships On screen/Off screen.
Set off on a cycle/run/swim/run/cycle exercise to punish myself for not being romantic enough or to reward myself for re-welding the patches on the car last night, it's hard to say.
Left my bike round the back at F&D's, F had been left in charge of nappy changing for the afternoon while D went through a monthly process of re-beautification. They recently opted for the Full Relationship Monty in the shape of another human being or mouth to feed. As I ran off towards the Leisure Pool, F said something about everlasting youth, I'm not sure if that applied to a willingness to exercise or not being saddled with a couple of years of disposable nappies.
Later we watched Anthony Hopkins shoot his unfaithful wife in the face, evidently he hadn't been romantic enough either, maybe what she'd really wanted was a baby?
Stuart said the whole thing was 'pish' and Hollywood had run out of ideas, the plot was weak.
Regarding romance, with his low attention span he couldn't see how a relationship could last anything like ten years in the first place, the concept was just too scary to contemplate.
"Why don't you just buy yourself a huge vibrator" was Stuart's take on it.
"That's not Romance"! countered Isabelle.
Left my bike round the back at F&D's, F had been left in charge of nappy changing for the afternoon while D went through a monthly process of re-beautification. They recently opted for the Full Relationship Monty in the shape of another human being or mouth to feed. As I ran off towards the Leisure Pool, F said something about everlasting youth, I'm not sure if that applied to a willingness to exercise or not being saddled with a couple of years of disposable nappies.
Later we watched Anthony Hopkins shoot his unfaithful wife in the face, evidently he hadn't been romantic enough either, maybe what she'd really wanted was a baby?
Stuart said the whole thing was 'pish' and Hollywood had run out of ideas, the plot was weak.
Regarding romance, with his low attention span he couldn't see how a relationship could last anything like ten years in the first place, the concept was just too scary to contemplate.
"Why don't you just buy yourself a huge vibrator" was Stuart's take on it.
"That's not Romance"! countered Isabelle.
20th April. True Romance?
It's a fine line that divides the romantic man from the stalker, the attentive suitor from the all consuming obsessional.
There's about as much chance of a romantic man knocking on a woman's door who isn't some kind of nut, as a posse of adoring attractive younger women draping themselves over me without a transaction involving a large amount of money.
"Where are all these more romantic men anyway?" I asked Isabelle during a recent discussion about this often problematic aspect of relationship. (Synonyms: extravagant, exaggerated, wild, imaginative, fantastic, improbable, unreal).
No it's not easy to point to a living person, only on-screen characters. I'd like to single-out 'Grey's Anatomy' as the current vehicle for these wildly imaginative fantastically improbable unreal extravagant - or if you like, romantic depictions - of men.
There's about as much chance of a romantic man knocking on a woman's door who isn't some kind of nut, as a posse of adoring attractive younger women draping themselves over me without a transaction involving a large amount of money.
"Where are all these more romantic men anyway?" I asked Isabelle during a recent discussion about this often problematic aspect of relationship. (Synonyms: extravagant, exaggerated, wild, imaginative, fantastic, improbable, unreal).
No it's not easy to point to a living person, only on-screen characters. I'd like to single-out 'Grey's Anatomy' as the current vehicle for these wildly imaginative fantastically improbable unreal extravagant - or if you like, romantic depictions - of men.
19th April. A Type of Wild Goose Chase.
Spent half an hour chasing a cockerel around in the dark getting more agitated with each failed attempt at an ambush. The reason for the chase began after climbing up a step ladder for a stealth grabbing when it was in its habitual roost. Despite the complete surprise of the attack it managed to beat its wings so furiously that it slipped from my grasp. Once on the ground, which would be familiar to it, there seemed to be enough light for it to get going.
In the end i was just running around the garden in my long johns brandishing a length of 2 by 2 in one hand and a towel in the other like some wierd type of gladiatoral combatant. I didn't want it to 'win' but in the end the bird stayed quiet and wherever it was it stayed put, I had to retire.
In the end i was just running around the garden in my long johns brandishing a length of 2 by 2 in one hand and a towel in the other like some wierd type of gladiatoral combatant. I didn't want it to 'win' but in the end the bird stayed quiet and wherever it was it stayed put, I had to retire.
18th April. The New Arrival.
Isabelle can always find room in her heart for another creature in need, it's just a question of finding space in the house.
A blue Budgie with a disability and a history of allergy creation is welcomed complete with it's own stock of cuttlefish and accoutrements.
This brings the indoor avian count to three, the Budgies seem to accept this menage a trois without complaint.
On it's maiden flight the new arrival crashes to the kitchen floor right in front of 'Tigger' the half-paralysed cat whose hunting days were thought to be over, it was a remarkable escape.
A blue Budgie with a disability and a history of allergy creation is welcomed complete with it's own stock of cuttlefish and accoutrements.
This brings the indoor avian count to three, the Budgies seem to accept this menage a trois without complaint.
On it's maiden flight the new arrival crashes to the kitchen floor right in front of 'Tigger' the half-paralysed cat whose hunting days were thought to be over, it was a remarkable escape.
17th April. Two Failures, One Day.
I looked up over my Tesco glasses putting aside "DNA and The Ultimate Forensic Record of Evolution" to receive the verdict from the designated MOT tester at the garage. "It's not a long list" he said, "but that's probably not what you wanted to hear, both inner sills need some more welding, I've marked them with yellow chalk and the front brakes are out of balance".
They always like to see you jump through a couple of hoops before handing over that all important bit of paper, instead I get the one marked Failure with some highlighting of the fact that with regard to driving on public roads the vehicle is in a "Dangerous" condition.
This miscarriage came hard on the heels of the earlier disappointment that Mr R's chimney in Flat 3 'The Castle' doesn't appear be 'a goer'. After two days of poking and shoving from above and below this fact was verified by the smoke alarm going off in what transpired to be Flat 8 during testing.
Luckily the owner, Ms S, an elderly summer visitor and a very strong opponent of the use of chimneys in 'tenements' up to the point of paranoia about smoke and fire, was absent; otherwise I may have had another failure on my hands, the continuing abilty of Ms S's ventricles to contract.
.
They always like to see you jump through a couple of hoops before handing over that all important bit of paper, instead I get the one marked Failure with some highlighting of the fact that with regard to driving on public roads the vehicle is in a "Dangerous" condition.
This miscarriage came hard on the heels of the earlier disappointment that Mr R's chimney in Flat 3 'The Castle' doesn't appear be 'a goer'. After two days of poking and shoving from above and below this fact was verified by the smoke alarm going off in what transpired to be Flat 8 during testing.
Luckily the owner, Ms S, an elderly summer visitor and a very strong opponent of the use of chimneys in 'tenements' up to the point of paranoia about smoke and fire, was absent; otherwise I may have had another failure on my hands, the continuing abilty of Ms S's ventricles to contract.
.
16th April. An Inconvenient Truth.
Awoke unexpectedly in the night with an ominous sense of welling up-chuck, it was something progressive that wouldn't go away, an inconvenient truth like Al Gore's. I wanted to believe I could just go back to sleep and pretend it wasn't happening.
In the end It WAS happening, a sudden rise in sea level, I had to face facts and make my way to the bathroom...
The culprit in this case not gas-guzzling but nearly-out of-date lager-guzzling or was it the chocolate pie?
In the end It WAS happening, a sudden rise in sea level, I had to face facts and make my way to the bathroom...
The culprit in this case not gas-guzzling but nearly-out of-date lager-guzzling or was it the chocolate pie?
15th April. 300 Winks.
"It's Miller Time but only just", I said lifting up my rust stained can to display the best before date on the bottom: 30:4:07.
Don't bring any beer, I'd specifically said this, as the whole object of the BBQ was to get rid of some of the what will soon be out of date lager, which at one time had been left lying in the garden for several weeks, possibly months.
After a certain level of consumption and the approach of evening, some of the party decided on a visit to the cinema, for which I had little enthusiasm. Isabelle informed me, after the others had left, that we were to follow on in the Daihatsu, I said my driving ability was adversely compromised on account of all the Kronenbourg, Carlsberg etc and we were now stranded. Thanks to mobile technology what would have been an epic in itself was quickly sorted out.
On the subject of epics, once I was guided to a comfy seat to view the film '300' the dialogue proved to be a little on the soporific side and basically it cost me or someone else £5.50 for two hours sleep.
Don't bring any beer, I'd specifically said this, as the whole object of the BBQ was to get rid of some of the what will soon be out of date lager, which at one time had been left lying in the garden for several weeks, possibly months.
After a certain level of consumption and the approach of evening, some of the party decided on a visit to the cinema, for which I had little enthusiasm. Isabelle informed me, after the others had left, that we were to follow on in the Daihatsu, I said my driving ability was adversely compromised on account of all the Kronenbourg, Carlsberg etc and we were now stranded. Thanks to mobile technology what would have been an epic in itself was quickly sorted out.
On the subject of epics, once I was guided to a comfy seat to view the film '300' the dialogue proved to be a little on the soporific side and basically it cost me or someone else £5.50 for two hours sleep.
14th April. Designer Shed Price Tag.
An excellent July afternoon today for construction, 24.3 degrees C. then cool in the evening, something like spring in the Alpujarras. We may be able to use the storage shed for air curing hams in the coming years...
Isabelle remarked that she "Could see a difference between our shed and the ones in B&Q" which is quite something. Yes, it's a dog eat dog world the world of shed construction, the B&Q shed has it's materials pared down to the barest minimum, any less and it would collapse under the weight of it's own roof. Mass production with a heavy investment in woodworking machinery being the only way to combat the small margins.
Material costs of 'The Shed' have spiralled, quite naturally, beyond the purchase price of any B&Q shed. In reality if shed manufacture was to provide a living, we could add on 100% to the materials, then labour three days or more, paint, ironmongery, roofing felt, sundries.
The completed shed would retail for approximately £2000, a factor of 10 greater than the B&Q matchwood offering. From the catalogue buyer's perspective the two sheds would appear identical.
Isabelle remarked that she "Could see a difference between our shed and the ones in B&Q" which is quite something. Yes, it's a dog eat dog world the world of shed construction, the B&Q shed has it's materials pared down to the barest minimum, any less and it would collapse under the weight of it's own roof. Mass production with a heavy investment in woodworking machinery being the only way to combat the small margins.
Material costs of 'The Shed' have spiralled, quite naturally, beyond the purchase price of any B&Q shed. In reality if shed manufacture was to provide a living, we could add on 100% to the materials, then labour three days or more, paint, ironmongery, roofing felt, sundries.
The completed shed would retail for approximately £2000, a factor of 10 greater than the B&Q matchwood offering. From the catalogue buyer's perspective the two sheds would appear identical.
13th April. Cheap Rubbish-Well not Even Cheap.
On the pre-agreed way to Travis Perkins to buy enough wood to make another shed to store even more things we had to turn around and drive to B&Q. Isabelle had a particular 'summerhouse' in mind. I relented but scoffed at the likely quality of construction.
"They're only £300.00".
"Only"?
We waltzed into the megastore for what proved to be a quick look-over whatever flimsy sheds were in stock. This confirmed that the materials employed resembled matchwood clad with old orange boxes. "You could reinforce it with more wood" suggested Isabelle.
"Well it would need another floor and a roof and then the walls aren't up to much".
We continued on to Travis Perkins. By the time the roof rack was loaded up, according to my calculations, it began to look like there was enough timber for a three-bedroom bungalow.
"They're only £300.00".
"Only"?
We waltzed into the megastore for what proved to be a quick look-over whatever flimsy sheds were in stock. This confirmed that the materials employed resembled matchwood clad with old orange boxes. "You could reinforce it with more wood" suggested Isabelle.
"Well it would need another floor and a roof and then the walls aren't up to much".
We continued on to Travis Perkins. By the time the roof rack was loaded up, according to my calculations, it began to look like there was enough timber for a three-bedroom bungalow.
12th April. A Long Lost Desire.
Isabelle declined my invitation to join me in the River Earn tonight despite the late sunshine. I'd have to go it alone, this meant driving there pre-zipped into the wet suit, which so far appears to be a two man job.
"Have you got your mobile? Phone me as soon as you come out of the river so I know you haven't drowned?"
Sitting at the wheel of the car inevitably increased the constriction mainly around the neck I wondered if I'd pass out like some deviant in a rubber suit?
By the time the river was in sight I'd reconnected with a long lost childhood desire to plunge into cold water.
On past summer days I used to plague the 'Old Dears' from the back seat of the Austin A40 with the question "Is there anywhere you can swim around here?" Which for practical reasons was usually but not always ignored.
"Have you got your mobile? Phone me as soon as you come out of the river so I know you haven't drowned?"
Sitting at the wheel of the car inevitably increased the constriction mainly around the neck I wondered if I'd pass out like some deviant in a rubber suit?
By the time the river was in sight I'd reconnected with a long lost childhood desire to plunge into cold water.
On past summer days I used to plague the 'Old Dears' from the back seat of the Austin A40 with the question "Is there anywhere you can swim around here?" Which for practical reasons was usually but not always ignored.
11th April. Life Sentence.
Inspired by some eight-year-old Chinese Medal hopeful on The 6 O'clock News, whose dad makes her run the equivalent of a Marathon every night before supper, I left Isabelle with 'Reporting Scotland' as I was determined to cycle 20k at approximately the right pace. This would be followed by running to the shop and back (5k).
I'm driven by the need to 'do something' before all my cartilage turns to bone and my arteries are solid with animal fats, when the only thing to do might be lawn scarification (see earlier).
Actually this is simply a rationalisation after the event, I've no idea why I'm doing it. The desire to win anything can't be the motivation, that's out of the question.
Maybe it's like people serving a life sentence in prison who take up some kind of self-improvement, you could say. Well, what's the point of that?
I'm driven by the need to 'do something' before all my cartilage turns to bone and my arteries are solid with animal fats, when the only thing to do might be lawn scarification (see earlier).
Actually this is simply a rationalisation after the event, I've no idea why I'm doing it. The desire to win anything can't be the motivation, that's out of the question.
Maybe it's like people serving a life sentence in prison who take up some kind of self-improvement, you could say. Well, what's the point of that?
10th April. Stages of Life on A Tuesday.
Today Mr & Mrs M. were in the process of scarifying their lawn which is divided in two by the path leading to the front door of the detached bungalow; Mr M. in charge of the electric rotary device and Mrs raking the moss into piles. "I'm not an immaculate lawn fiend" explained Mr M. "but it was getting pretty bad".
The M's are at the lawn scarification stage of life with no dependants, mainly going away with SAGA or extended golfing breaks in the Algarve interspersed with property maintenance until illness strikes... It might be something as simple as Golfers Elbow or something worse like Bowel Cancer, one never knows.
I'd only just got home and A.N. Other e-mailed, could he borrow my roof ladders and me because his family, it appears, cannot live without television. A.N. is unable to go beyond the level of the gutters to fix the cable from the aerial due to Vertigo and is also going through some kind of mid-life stage. Recently he has been working his notice, "From tomorrow technically I'm on holiday, subject to negotiation".
"Then what?"
"Then I'll probably commit suicide"
This endless carousel of households is making my head spin...
The M's are at the lawn scarification stage of life with no dependants, mainly going away with SAGA or extended golfing breaks in the Algarve interspersed with property maintenance until illness strikes... It might be something as simple as Golfers Elbow or something worse like Bowel Cancer, one never knows.
I'd only just got home and A.N. Other e-mailed, could he borrow my roof ladders and me because his family, it appears, cannot live without television. A.N. is unable to go beyond the level of the gutters to fix the cable from the aerial due to Vertigo and is also going through some kind of mid-life stage. Recently he has been working his notice, "From tomorrow technically I'm on holiday, subject to negotiation".
"Then what?"
"Then I'll probably commit suicide"
This endless carousel of households is making my head spin...
9th April. High School Reunion.
They say our year was a bad year, Class of 1976. I said "I'm not sure about this reunion thing" and David said "Well I've managed to avoid these people for thirty years".
I'm surprised there haven't been incidents reported in the U.S. where some ex-pupil's appearance at the Class Reunion was marked by his producton of a semi-automatic weapon once the initial introductions had been made...
To my knowledge nobody from our year has achieved world fame or 'A' list celebrity status. However comparisons will be inevitable as to 'how well one has done', having been given the last thirty years to do it. Let's face it, if you haven't done it yet you're probably not going to, full stop.
I must represent one of the more notable failures, despite quite reasonable exam results my greatest achievement is, in the words of 'Junior' with reference to chimney work, "To have wasted my life".
I'm surprised there haven't been incidents reported in the U.S. where some ex-pupil's appearance at the Class Reunion was marked by his producton of a semi-automatic weapon once the initial introductions had been made...
To my knowledge nobody from our year has achieved world fame or 'A' list celebrity status. However comparisons will be inevitable as to 'how well one has done', having been given the last thirty years to do it. Let's face it, if you haven't done it yet you're probably not going to, full stop.
I must represent one of the more notable failures, despite quite reasonable exam results my greatest achievement is, in the words of 'Junior' with reference to chimney work, "To have wasted my life".
8th April. Cat Bladder Superhero.
I've had to take over the daily squeezing of the cat's bladder, a considerable saving in Veterinarian bills which is what the vet himself said - "just think, if you can master the technique it'll be worth a tenner each time".
Expressing cat's urine is a bit like trying to squeeze a balloon filled with blancmange, which also happens to be inside a cat. There is another feeling too; that maybe the cat is being squeezed to death, this was behind Isabelle's problem in achieving a proper jet of piss.
Motivated by an urgent need to conserve funds I soon had the measure of Tigger's piddle.
Isabelle was very proud of my efforts and also wowed later in the day by my working knowledge of Microsoft Excel which helped, in a small way, to calm things down before there was any damage to the lap top.
It's not the first time that Bill Gates has brought a certain tenseness into our evenings here and probably not the last...
Expressing cat's urine is a bit like trying to squeeze a balloon filled with blancmange, which also happens to be inside a cat. There is another feeling too; that maybe the cat is being squeezed to death, this was behind Isabelle's problem in achieving a proper jet of piss.
Motivated by an urgent need to conserve funds I soon had the measure of Tigger's piddle.
Isabelle was very proud of my efforts and also wowed later in the day by my working knowledge of Microsoft Excel which helped, in a small way, to calm things down before there was any damage to the lap top.
It's not the first time that Bill Gates has brought a certain tenseness into our evenings here and probably not the last...
7th April. Easter Emergency Call-Out.
With the words "We'll very much make it worth your while" ringing in my ears I ascended the extension ladders as far as the level of the guttters, a vast pattern of Aberfoyle slates sloped upwards towards the unreachable chimney stack, the distance a good bit longer than the roof ladder. The panorama of endless grouse moor stretched in all directions in this perfect Bank Holiday sunshine.
"Yes, 'The Family' are coming up from 'Down South' to the shooting lodge on Easter Sunday and the house keeper says that the crows have blocked the drawing room chimney with twigs, it has to be done today we'd very much appreciate blah blah....".
Mrs C. The Housekeeper led me through corridors where large oil paintings of men in Highland dress and portraits of women in black frocks shared the wall space with Stags heads, all of them glowering downwards. Next I made my way through the attic squeezing past at least forty feet of model railway layout to eventually find a skylight which had been installed to relieve some of the gloom in the upstairs landing.
"Have you got a short step ladder?"
Balancing this above the glass window below the skylight I heaved myself through several decades of cobwebs and managed to get one leg outside onto the slates. "This is a right laugh, I mused, it's just as well I'm not such a fat bastard..."
"Yes, 'The Family' are coming up from 'Down South' to the shooting lodge on Easter Sunday and the house keeper says that the crows have blocked the drawing room chimney with twigs, it has to be done today we'd very much appreciate blah blah....".
Mrs C. The Housekeeper led me through corridors where large oil paintings of men in Highland dress and portraits of women in black frocks shared the wall space with Stags heads, all of them glowering downwards. Next I made my way through the attic squeezing past at least forty feet of model railway layout to eventually find a skylight which had been installed to relieve some of the gloom in the upstairs landing.
"Have you got a short step ladder?"
Balancing this above the glass window below the skylight I heaved myself through several decades of cobwebs and managed to get one leg outside onto the slates. "This is a right laugh, I mused, it's just as well I'm not such a fat bastard..."
6th April. No Sign of Weil's Disease - Yet.
A chill wind blew out of the west and the sunshine of the last few days had vanished. The River Earn immersion event had attracted a small group with various opinions about water temperature and such. Callum's divers watch gave a reading 24 degrees centigrade which couldn't have been right, 24 degrees Kelvin might have been nearer.
Once I was completely gimped up and double-rubbered about the head I made my way in carpet slippers to the riverbank, unable to pick-up much of the conversation on account of the ear plugs. I prided myself in the knowledge that despite driving over the adjacent bridge for about twenty-five years I've never once seen anyone swimming here.
The initial shock wasn't that bad, it was the subtle effect on breathing; after having just taken one breath i was already wanting to take another when I was looking down through the goggles at the river bed. Swimming front crawl in a rubber gimp suit felt a bit like trying to type in leather gauntlets, just very awkward...
My idea was, swim for ten minutes one way then turn around, however the spectators got caught up in the undergrowth trying to follow the bank and after a grand total of eight minutes I was ready to call a halt to the proceedings, Just when I thought I'd got swimming under control...tch,tch, tch....
Once I was completely gimped up and double-rubbered about the head I made my way in carpet slippers to the riverbank, unable to pick-up much of the conversation on account of the ear plugs. I prided myself in the knowledge that despite driving over the adjacent bridge for about twenty-five years I've never once seen anyone swimming here.
The initial shock wasn't that bad, it was the subtle effect on breathing; after having just taken one breath i was already wanting to take another when I was looking down through the goggles at the river bed. Swimming front crawl in a rubber gimp suit felt a bit like trying to type in leather gauntlets, just very awkward...
My idea was, swim for ten minutes one way then turn around, however the spectators got caught up in the undergrowth trying to follow the bank and after a grand total of eight minutes I was ready to call a halt to the proceedings, Just when I thought I'd got swimming under control...tch,tch, tch....
5th April. We are Go! for Hypothermia.
Dropped in at the sports shop in the retail park that specialises mainly in Chav-wear. However it wasn't a complete drug dealing outfit I walked out with, it was a couple of rather fetching silicone bathing caps.
One might have been enough but the imagined numbing sensation of pain in the forehead from the waters of the Earn convinced me that a doubling up of rubber would be the safer option.
Yes, provisionally we're on for the premier immersion in the River tomorrow evening. Stuart has agreed to take on the role of a stand-by bouyancy-aid in exchange for Barbecued Chicken at 'The Foundry'. It'll be the acid test for the rubber Gimp suit and also my heart.
Judging by other hypothermic experiences in notably warmer waters such as the pacific coast of Mexico, full circulation may not be restored until after the bank holiday...
One might have been enough but the imagined numbing sensation of pain in the forehead from the waters of the Earn convinced me that a doubling up of rubber would be the safer option.
Yes, provisionally we're on for the premier immersion in the River tomorrow evening. Stuart has agreed to take on the role of a stand-by bouyancy-aid in exchange for Barbecued Chicken at 'The Foundry'. It'll be the acid test for the rubber Gimp suit and also my heart.
Judging by other hypothermic experiences in notably warmer waters such as the pacific coast of Mexico, full circulation may not be restored until after the bank holiday...
4th April. Hasta la Vista, Baby!
Thirty-two minutes to swim sixty lengths and that was after colliding with an exchange Spanish pupil messing about somewhere near the deep end.
These bored teenagers had probably been dumped at the Leisure Pool by their host families in full knowledge that the main pool with all the exciting flumes and splashy things shuts up shop at 8pm.
So there they are in the so-called Training Pool getting in the way of serious swimmers and arthritics who just want to go up and down the lanes.
Secretly I'd already decided that I was just going to plough willy-nilly into any child that got in the way and let the authorities deal with the fallout. At the point of impact I thrust the errant Spaniard downwards, and in effect swam over the top of him, which in retrospect seems a little unfeeling.
After that though, the lane I happened to be in stayed fairly clear apart from an overweight woman who was mostly getting her breath back at either end of the pool.
These bored teenagers had probably been dumped at the Leisure Pool by their host families in full knowledge that the main pool with all the exciting flumes and splashy things shuts up shop at 8pm.
So there they are in the so-called Training Pool getting in the way of serious swimmers and arthritics who just want to go up and down the lanes.
Secretly I'd already decided that I was just going to plough willy-nilly into any child that got in the way and let the authorities deal with the fallout. At the point of impact I thrust the errant Spaniard downwards, and in effect swam over the top of him, which in retrospect seems a little unfeeling.
After that though, the lane I happened to be in stayed fairly clear apart from an overweight woman who was mostly getting her breath back at either end of the pool.
3rd April. Demolition Derby.
An Architect's signature stone chimney came under the hammer this afternoon, that is, the demolition hammer. Regardless of aesthetic consideration the chimney was flawed from the design stage despite the undoubted professional qualifications of its creator. "Whoever built this thing should have been taken out and executed" I remarked to Mrs D, making no attempt to conceal my opinions.
"Yes, well, when we bought the house we thought the extension would all have been built properly, there must be regulations about these things".
"Quite".
I must say I derived a certain amount of satisfaction as the chisel of the 'Kango' bit into the stonework and the chips began to fly, the monumental chimney was completely ruined by the time afternoon tea was served.
It's my experience that much of the world is a bit like those ubiquitous individual stainless steel teapots that seem to be incapable of performing the one task required of them, pour tea into a cup rather than all over everything else.
"Yes, well, when we bought the house we thought the extension would all have been built properly, there must be regulations about these things".
"Quite".
I must say I derived a certain amount of satisfaction as the chisel of the 'Kango' bit into the stonework and the chips began to fly, the monumental chimney was completely ruined by the time afternoon tea was served.
It's my experience that much of the world is a bit like those ubiquitous individual stainless steel teapots that seem to be incapable of performing the one task required of them, pour tea into a cup rather than all over everything else.
2nd April. The Gimp.
Took delivery of My e-Bay wet suit today, which at first sight seemed to be roughly the right length. Actually getting into the thing proved easier said than done and I concluded that it must be sized for a twelve year old child who was also a possible anorexic.
This was contraindicated by various websites which proved beyond reasonable doubt that the size F3 of this particular make would actually fit someone larger than me. (In-credible!) Further research showed that there was some trick involving a Tesco bag and turning the wetsuit inside out.
The plastic bag reduces the rubbery-ness and allows first the feet and then the hands in, the bag however then gets trapped between the skin of the wearer and the skin of the suit, and then when it was no longer inside out it was back to front. Such force was required to get the lower half as far as the hips I thought I was going to have it pulled apart at the seams before it had even been near water.
"Could you zip me up?' I asked Isabelle who was engrossed in some documentary about genetically modified animals. Once the zip was up I felt like a Californian Seal Lion crossed with a Human and I was under a lot of pressure internally, "It's certainly skin tight" I managed to opine. My appearance was highly reminiscent of 'The Gimp' in Pulp Fiction.
What worries me is 'pre-race nerves', because everytime I go to the Leisure Pool I always seem to be in need of a period of time on the loo just before swimming, maybe it's anxiety, I don't know. Imagine being taken short in this rubber gimp suit in front of hundreds of fellow competitors...
This was contraindicated by various websites which proved beyond reasonable doubt that the size F3 of this particular make would actually fit someone larger than me. (In-credible!) Further research showed that there was some trick involving a Tesco bag and turning the wetsuit inside out.
The plastic bag reduces the rubbery-ness and allows first the feet and then the hands in, the bag however then gets trapped between the skin of the wearer and the skin of the suit, and then when it was no longer inside out it was back to front. Such force was required to get the lower half as far as the hips I thought I was going to have it pulled apart at the seams before it had even been near water.
"Could you zip me up?' I asked Isabelle who was engrossed in some documentary about genetically modified animals. Once the zip was up I felt like a Californian Seal Lion crossed with a Human and I was under a lot of pressure internally, "It's certainly skin tight" I managed to opine. My appearance was highly reminiscent of 'The Gimp' in Pulp Fiction.
What worries me is 'pre-race nerves', because everytime I go to the Leisure Pool I always seem to be in need of a period of time on the loo just before swimming, maybe it's anxiety, I don't know. Imagine being taken short in this rubber gimp suit in front of hundreds of fellow competitors...
1st April. April Fool?
"Excuse me?" said the waitress from behind me in the High Street waving the till receipt, "It actually said Card Declined."
"Oh?" I followed her back into the Restaurant/Gallery like a common criminal. "My wife will be back shortly she has a different card".
Unable to consume any more food or drink I leafed through the complementary copy of the local paper squinting without my Tesco glasses at various court reports. The larger print told of an inept attempt by some guy to make an insurance claim after paying some Hoodies £50 to set fire to his car...
If I could stage my own death the Life Insurance would certainly ease the cash flow. The trouble is, you can't simply disappear, you need a death certificate. These must be easily forged or even downloaded, surely. If they can fake an identity of someone living they can fake the paperwork for being dead?
I see Google has 4,700,000 entries for Faking Your Own Death, so I'm not the first person to have thought of it. The main problem seems to be what happens afterwards, ie. re-emerging into another life, which is on the face of it, remarkably similar to Your Own Death in general.
"Oh?" I followed her back into the Restaurant/Gallery like a common criminal. "My wife will be back shortly she has a different card".
Unable to consume any more food or drink I leafed through the complementary copy of the local paper squinting without my Tesco glasses at various court reports. The larger print told of an inept attempt by some guy to make an insurance claim after paying some Hoodies £50 to set fire to his car...
If I could stage my own death the Life Insurance would certainly ease the cash flow. The trouble is, you can't simply disappear, you need a death certificate. These must be easily forged or even downloaded, surely. If they can fake an identity of someone living they can fake the paperwork for being dead?
I see Google has 4,700,000 entries for Faking Your Own Death, so I'm not the first person to have thought of it. The main problem seems to be what happens afterwards, ie. re-emerging into another life, which is on the face of it, remarkably similar to Your Own Death in general.
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