This enforced break from the workaday world has just about reached its end". snapped nurse Gray as she ripped the patch of pink sticky stuff smartly away from my bottom.
"I must say that was a bit nippy"... i guffawed.
"Well its just about time for you to start KICKING ASS! " , she countered whilst pausing a moment to savour her particular use of double-entendre.
"Errr.. well, but... I whined, apart from the complete lack of state benefits, to be honest, I'd be quite happy to continue to arse about for another couple of weeks." Nurse Grey stared, dumbfounded.
" I mean, perhaps now that I'm so much part of the system, I could just bypass the rest of my life and go straight on to a care home ?" I suggested.
"Well I'll have a word with Dr Sheldon but i can't promise anything" was her only reply......
THE DAILY ARSE 30th March
A relatively uneventful day at the surgery if one is prepared to discount the difficulty of removing the new style four sided sticky patch protecting The Carbuncle. This cleverly designed pink square had provided a virtual hermetic seal by dint of its adhesive properties, indeed i was advised that showering would be perfectly possible whilst wearing it, thus vouching for its water resistance.
The full strength that the skin bonding agents employed in its manufacture could reach in 24 hours only really became apparent this morning...
The effort involved in tearing it away came as a bit of a surprise to both myself and the nurse- of- the- day. I welcomed her decision to "try a smaller patch" because in my mind the area of adhesion would be to some extent inversely proportional to the square of its sides.
Tomorrow this theory of mine will be tested on the bench, so to speak.......
The full strength that the skin bonding agents employed in its manufacture could reach in 24 hours only really became apparent this morning...
The effort involved in tearing it away came as a bit of a surprise to both myself and the nurse- of- the- day. I welcomed her decision to "try a smaller patch" because in my mind the area of adhesion would be to some extent inversely proportional to the square of its sides.
Tomorrow this theory of mine will be tested on the bench, so to speak.......
THE DAILY ARSE 29th March
Tomorrow I'll be in at glaver street for the daily arse showing then cracking on geddit? at south street
to solve the appalling problem no. 2. What we like to think of as "las cascadas magicas" the continual downpour through the conctrete walkway above our entrance.
Today at the surgery reception i glimpsed quite an attractive young woman wearing a fuschia jumper and stethoscope. I didn't have my glasses with me , i thought that can't be Dr Sheldon is it ?
Some intimacy had passed between us a couple of years back when she cut that ugly big wart off the left side of my torso, but we haven't seen much of of each other since.
I got the call......
once i was secure in the treatment room, the head matron put it to me : "did I mind very much if a student was present ?" Step forward the young woman in the fuschia jumper.
" no, no I don't mind l" i demured, she can look at my arse all day long.
Of course i didn't actually say "look at my arse as long as she likes" or anything like that, it might have been inappropriate what with the age gap and everything.......
to solve the appalling problem no. 2. What we like to think of as "las cascadas magicas" the continual downpour through the conctrete walkway above our entrance.
Today at the surgery reception i glimpsed quite an attractive young woman wearing a fuschia jumper and stethoscope. I didn't have my glasses with me , i thought that can't be Dr Sheldon is it ?
Some intimacy had passed between us a couple of years back when she cut that ugly big wart off the left side of my torso, but we haven't seen much of of each other since.
I got the call......
once i was secure in the treatment room, the head matron put it to me : "did I mind very much if a student was present ?" Step forward the young woman in the fuschia jumper.
" no, no I don't mind l" i demured, she can look at my arse all day long.
Of course i didn't actually say "look at my arse as long as she likes" or anything like that, it might have been inappropriate what with the age gap and everything.......
THE DAILY ARSE 28th March
Temporary though it may be, I never quite envisaged life revolving about healthcare services to quite this degree until reaching what is normally designate as Elderly. Todays denouement in front of yet another greying matriarch followed much the same routine as previously, differing only by a doubling up of the sanitary towel arrangements. Earlier in the morning whilst delivering Isabelle to the Physiotherapy outpatient department a pamphlet entiltled " A short guide to examining your testicles" caught my eye. No doubt another well meaning and handy battery of tell tale signs. Something for members of an aging population to remain vigilant about.
Partly as a reaction to this information and recent events in general, I've booked myself onto a weeks Alpine mountaineering course in Switzerland. The main reason being that Its not at all clear to me how much longer the box about medical conditions can realistcally be left blank...... or that I'll still have enough balls?
Partly as a reaction to this information and recent events in general, I've booked myself onto a weeks Alpine mountaineering course in Switzerland. The main reason being that Its not at all clear to me how much longer the box about medical conditions can realistcally be left blank...... or that I'll still have enough balls?
THE DAILY ARSE 27th March
Frankly I'm gettting more than a little browned off with this abscess/boil inconvenience.
Todays rendezvous chez the health centre involved pairing up with yet another blue garbed matron.
Although on this occasion slightly more junior than my previous encounters to date, she was still possessed of that same healthy clinical detachment. Lying there in such a position it occurred how anybody in their right mind could get close to such a woman ? Of course in reality she's probably a happily married mother of up to three bouncing offspring.
However the upshot was that any explanation with regard to contravention of previous bathing prohibitions was superfluous.
Once loaded up with another shot of silicon rubber and appropriaiely attired with what looks uncommonly like a sanitary towel taped to my backside I was free to walk the streets again....
Todays rendezvous chez the health centre involved pairing up with yet another blue garbed matron.
Although on this occasion slightly more junior than my previous encounters to date, she was still possessed of that same healthy clinical detachment. Lying there in such a position it occurred how anybody in their right mind could get close to such a woman ? Of course in reality she's probably a happily married mother of up to three bouncing offspring.
However the upshot was that any explanation with regard to contravention of previous bathing prohibitions was superfluous.
Once loaded up with another shot of silicon rubber and appropriaiely attired with what looks uncommonly like a sanitary towel taped to my backside I was free to walk the streets again....
MY ARSE, A FASCINATING UPDATE
No doubt there are some very sick individuals who would pay to enjoy the district nurse tut tutting as she pick picks with plastic forceps at ones bum, sat and sunday mornings, (" is that sore ?"....)
A comely grey haired matron in dark blue who declared that " a bath was in order", flatly contradicting the orders of the Glaver St Practice nurse (also grey hair do) who openly forbade bodily immersion. Honestly you don't know who to believe.
Current thinking is its "Still red and inflamed" .....apparently. But as far as I can verify from gymnastics in front of the bathroom mirror it now looks as if i've been shot in the arse at roughly point blank range. The general idea seems to be to leave this sort of facsimile arsehole open in order to fill it up with what looks suspiciously to me like Wickes clear silicon rubber.
This is a deliberate attempt to prevent the closure of said deuxieme anus.
You'd think that a hole of such depth would connect up with something else organic but it doesn't appear to, not so far. Though it occurs to me that I could be talking out of my bum.
A comely grey haired matron in dark blue who declared that " a bath was in order", flatly contradicting the orders of the Glaver St Practice nurse (also grey hair do) who openly forbade bodily immersion. Honestly you don't know who to believe.
Current thinking is its "Still red and inflamed" .....apparently. But as far as I can verify from gymnastics in front of the bathroom mirror it now looks as if i've been shot in the arse at roughly point blank range. The general idea seems to be to leave this sort of facsimile arsehole open in order to fill it up with what looks suspiciously to me like Wickes clear silicon rubber.
This is a deliberate attempt to prevent the closure of said deuxieme anus.
You'd think that a hole of such depth would connect up with something else organic but it doesn't appear to, not so far. Though it occurs to me that I could be talking out of my bum.
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