THE DAILY ARSE 8th April 2006

MEGAPISS

Today by dint of our mode of transport, ie bus, we are brought into contact with an increasingly unfamiliar socio-economic group. I refer, of course, to "young people". Each youthful traveller clutching the twin necessities of modern life; the mobile phone and the i pod. In the wider scheme this is merely a snapshot of modernity. A fleeting transition in the quickening endless race towards tomorrows latest hybrid, "Cool".
Gone are the days of the rattle of cassettes and the snapping shut of Sony Walkmans. That was long long ago back in tine nineteen- eighties or to all intents the eighteen-nineties such is the pace of technological change. However other aspects appear to be subject to a conspicuously slower rate of progress. Graphically borne out by the malfunction and consequent locking of the onboard toilet.
Just keep your legs crossed as far as Inverness and try not to be too anxious about the future.....

MEGAPISS PROLOGUE

Having disembarked at Inverness it became clear that the bus ticket was for Aberdeen. The ensuing but necessary debate with the Ullapool driver left little or no time for toileting. As luok would have it the connecting coach provided a servicable lavatory. However as the bus negotiated its way out of the terminus and into the traffic there was considerable anxiety about maintaining an upright position etc The natural process was made all the more frustrating when the lights went out as a result of the door swinging open. This also provided an amusing revelation for seats 14 to 21.

THE CALEDONIAN MACBRAYNE ISLE OF LEWIS EXPERIENCE

An hour into the crossing of The Minch and for many increasingly pale faced children the experience is something akin to a ride on the waltzers that still has two hours to run. The hull creaks, the men walk with an inebriated stagger, the crockery smashes, the dogs bark, the waves bang ominously, the horizon performs a nauseating dissapearing then reappearing act, the sick bags are handed out, the child on the adjacent table has lost control of his "Cub Club" sausage and chips, and momentarily heads appear from under the cafeteria tables to gargle with bottled water.
"Good evening ladies and gentleman this is the last call for all main meals in the cafeteria....
Eeeeeeeeeyuuchh...

CONTINUATION

The toilets are not a place to linger. I pick my way through the sick and dying fanning themselves with sick bags, out, out into the fresh air on deck. A few hardy souls stand about in any available shelter from the salt spray trying to clear their heads. Suddenly a well built man in a jaunty short sleeved shirt appears clutching a rum and coke in one hand and a fag in the other. He is accompanied by a girlfriend with a sick bag. After sitting down abruptly he swiftly divested himself of the contents of his stomach, mainly over the deck and one leg of his jeans. " It's a lovely day for it" he announced gaily, trying vainly to remove the worst of the mess.