THE DAILY ARSE 11th April 2006

TOAST, BUTTER AND COFFEE INCLUDED £4.80

Regarding cooked breakfasts on board the MV Isle of Lewis. I'm convinced that the bulkier individual is possessed of a more complete digestion. The task of mincing up and breaking down any 6 items; black pudding, sausage, egg, tattie scones etc is performed quickly and without fuss forming layer upon handy layers of fat for the future. Hence the bulk. However the scrawny amongst us, of whom I count myself, are virtually self limiting. What with heartburn, indigestion, burping, farting, hiccuping and feeling stuffed. And If the waves get any higher I know I could be sick if I really put my mind to it .....



FALLS OF BRUAR

Had to pull in at the renowned retail outlet in highland perthshire on the way back. I found a way through the tweed clad crowds to the Gents, while Isabelle went off to "have a look around". Everything here according to the tourist board is 5 star including the prices and the plumbing, but I have to take issue re the siting of the urinal bowls. The truth is, vis a vis personal space, they're just that little bit too close. Consequently my field of awareness told me that the chap on my left appeared to be suffering from an embarrassing delay. This, for some reason, increased my own anxiety in that department and it began to feel as if I was in some kind of race. A subtle feedback loop of tension had been created. My neighbour eventually backed down from this mexican standoff pulling the lever to flush, really just as a face saving exercise. However his departure and the splashing of water meant that I emerged as a clear winner, and for my part, the time spent standing hadn't been wasted at all....