THE DAILY ARSE 12th April 2006

MUSTARD ASS

Back at the surgery today for a prearranged arse showing. Nurse Grey seemed pleased with project abscess. She then digressed into a certain amount of technical detail about skin regeneration beyond the scope of this publication. The upshot of it all was the application of a yellowish ointment not unlike Colmans english mustard. Now, for the time being, my arse is pretty much in my own hands until next week. " Don't be alarmed by the yellow staining " she says......?


LAMINATE FLOORING

Chris Rea, Shania Twain, Vivaldi's Four Seasons, a few "best of" albums like REM, all very inoffensive, on the shelves. I'd been left alone at 4 Costly Crescent this morning to somehow cut a hole in the immaculate living room floor without totally ruining whatever hardwood composite its made of. Here Its all open plan, fine wines, defrosting salmon, ample supplies of fresh fruit, dietary supplements, a gallery of competitive yachting photographs, and little plastic things under all the furniture legs to protect the floor. Mr & Mrs Gribbins just back from safari in Kenya had, not surprisingly, been shocked by the levels of poverty. Talking of the Masai, Mr G said "they haven't even invented the wheel yet" , " maybe its because they don't have to drive to Tesco quite as much as we do " I volunteered. Maybe the wheel's about as much use to a nomadic cattle herder as an ocean going yacht, I don't know. Why oh why? if they could only get their act together out there on the plains of the Masai Mara then they could be in a position to lay laminate flooring of this quality too and in later middle age perhaps enjoy a once in a lifetime big game safari in ........

.