THE DAILY ARSE 6th April

A dead swan has been found floating in the harbour at Anstruther..... now read on.....

In order to quell the rising panic surrounding the "deadly" H5N1 strain of avian flue
I suggested to Isabelle an immediate culling of both budgies this morning.
However this met with strong protest so I revised the proposal to euthanising all the resident poultry. To include "Hettie", "The Cream Puff", "Puff Minor", "The Evil Bitch", "Chicken Nugget", and "Mr Evil". A thorough going operation should be extended to include " Donnie the Darko pigeon" from the Matalan car park who should have been deceased anyway.
These birds are, by their nature, insanitary in their toileting habits and range a little too freely here, judged by 1st world standards.
Naturally there's a more costly solution involving lots of time, timber and chicken wire.
Unfortunately the fowl cannot be merely "brought indoors" as per any EU directive and expected to get along. This is due to long standing disputes, quarrels and bad blood all concerning "Mr Evil " and the pecking order. Only a policy of strict segregation can mitigate this problem and preserve both physical and mental health of all concerned .... but tonight it may be all too late as we face a global pandemic..... the worlds media are gathering and almost at the door of the hen house....