8th June. Your Cremation. FAQ's.

"See it'll be quite a small coffin, we make them to measure, isn't it?" said the very Welsh undertaker.

"Chipboard?"

"Yes, veneered."

"Plastic handles?"

"Yes, you see all that goes."

"Yeah?"

"Well it's the fans, isn't it? forced draught..."

"So what are the ashes that are left?"

"Well, basically that's just the bones, isn't it?  They go in like a tumble dryer with heavy steel balls and that crushes them, see? Will you be wanting the ashes?"

"She wanted them scattered on the Mersey. So what happens to the stainless steel? She had a replacement knee and a hip."

"Well, I'm coming to that bit, see. There's this new EU regulation we have to offer the stainless steel parts to the relatives, isn't it? I don't understand it myself but can you sign here?"

"Well I was wondering about polishing it up and mounting it, sort of a conversation piece."

"I don't think that would be a good idea, would you? No one's ever asked that before."

My brother chips in - "I wanted to ask you if it's true or not, a few years ago I was on holiday and there was a bloke who was a Funeral Director,  he said so long as you've got a Death Certificate you can take the body up to the Crem in the boot of your car and they'll do it for fifteen quid is that true?"

"Well, technically yes but I don't think that would be a good idea isn't it?"