THE DAILY ARSE 19th April Now that ain't workin'

Clocked in at the surgery 9.15 am. Nurse Grey no.1 has given me till the weekend to continue going about with the patent pink sticky thing on my bum. Then that's it, the end of the road , and it's been a long road , 6 weeks in fact. Then it was straight round to our friend Mr McD to finally fix his wife's choice of "victorian" tiles around the newly widened fireplace. As I alighted from the Daihatsu I found myself assailed by live music. Strains of someone strumming an amplified guitar issuing from the living room at no. 59, I'm surprised he could hear the doorbell. "Music eh?" I quipped when the front door finally swung open, "Yes, just playing my guitar he replied". "We've made it easy for you" he said indicating the many tiles arrayed on the new beige carpet. " Yes ?" I said, " well we're going to have to cut these two and lose those two little ones, and make these the same width and bring that level to here.... " I could see the time involved expanding like the known universe.. " I'll leave you to it then" he gestured before driving off in the audi, I think he's a mouse- clicker, or operates a telephone by day. Anyway once he was safely away and I'd mixed up some tile cement, and run out an extension cable for the tile cutter, I switched on the Vox Valvetronic, plugged in the genuine fender strat took note of the positioning of effects and volume knobs, then selected delay with reverb to see if the windows were capable of rattlling.......
It only occured to me later that it wasn't entirely clear at the time whether or not Mrs McD was still on night shift this week...But anyway what possesses a man in late middle age to buy an electric guitar ?
Now that ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it
You play the guitar on the mtv
That ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it
Money for nothin’ and your chicks for free
Money for nothin’ and chicks for free....
Isabelle says "this is so unprofessional, I'd never have you do anything in my house" ...theres a lot of thin ice around here..a breach of the trust bestowed on the tradesman.. but then what about writing something about a real client, isn't that worse?
OK OK what really happened is this cigar shaped object landed and some little green men came out and etc etc.. Its the same old thing re the guitar, permission was never granted, like when the organs are taken without the say so of the next of kin, yes but he was dead anyway....."THAT"S NOT THE POINT!"
In reality I made everything up, I never even had an abscess on my arse..... Oh Alright the truth is I never turned the volume up that loud.. ok? and it was only a few minutes and the tiles were stuck on ok and everyones happy.... yeah......I don't think I'm a bad person do you?...... By the way I did play the drums in someone elses living room, that was The Best...