THE DAILY ARSE 1st April

Things took rather a surreal turn at the surgery when Dr Sheldon ushered me into her offfice this morning. She began by explaining that things hadn't been healing up as well they might. At this point I interrupted: " Dr Sheldon, forgive me, but like Marlon Brando in The Godfather II I always insist on hearing bad news immediately". " Well, as you wish, I'm afraid we are going to have to put you on the list for a complete bottom transplant...." At this point the room began to spin ," may I take the weight off my legs for a moment Dr Sheldon ? "
"Of course"...
My first thought was how long would I be left sitting around waiting for another operation ?
"Am I to assume the necessary precondition that the donor has to be gender specific ?' "
Dr Sheldon glowered back across the table, "You know you could go privately, I believe these days there are quite a lot of eastern european boys willing to sell their ass on the internet'."
" I don't think i could ever see myself being in a position to go down that route" i reposted.
"Yes i thought as much, with that in mind I've made some enquiries at Ninewells and we may have already found a possible donor for you.. "
I felt a lump in my throat " oh...?"
"Yes a visiting Nigerian professor currently on life support, we're just waiting on a fax from Lagos detailing permission from the next of kin, a formality, you understand?" "Yes but would that really be a proper match for me? I mean, I don't want to be racist but....."
"Come come now, beggars can't be choosers in todays overstretched and underfunded NHS. Besides Britain today is a society composed of countless multiracial elements".
I reflected for a moment and realised that Dr Sneddon was right; "One World: One Arse".