THE DAILY ARSE 21st April Mrs Mental

I nearly bumped into Mrs Mental coming down from the High Street this afternoon. In fact I nearly didn't recognise her, she seemed to have had a complete makeover. Gone was the grey two piece suit and in was a younger denimed look with some kind of permanent wave. But the eye was irrevocably drawn to the large cruxifix swinging from her neck. Perhaps just a rather chunky accessory piece or maybe an unequivocal public statement of The Christian Faith. If the latter, Mrs Mental must have jettisoned all her other faiths and undergone something more than just a radical transformation of style. Such a panoply of superstitions could not be accomodated in the new theology and she would certainly have had to be born again.
Luckily I managed to pass-by unrecognised from my previous dealings with Mrs Mental and her reccurent gas boiler problems... It was at that time when first reviewing the errant boiler flue that she gave me chapter and verse on the reasons for the continued, if spasmodic, malfunction. Clearly there was a Black Ley Line running straight through her flat. This was the root cause not only of the boiler trouble but also the demise of the late Mr M, apparently through carbon monoxide poisoning. Another perhaps even more insidious spin-off from this malevolent contour was the residency of a local Paedophile in the flat below. Mrs M then drew my attention to the guardianship of several bucket sized quartz crystals arranged strategically around the living room.
She assured me that things were now looking up in her life. Obviously Mr M had passed over, but the sex offender had been taken away and now I had been drawn to her to fix the terrible screeching noise from the boiler associated with periods of high wind. "It's driving me crazy, I think I'm going to have to sell the flat". Despite Mrs M's confidence about the neutralising of any evil influence through the medium of crystal healing, I unusually opted for the security of a rope when finally venturing out of the attic skylight....