Thunder and lightning played havoc outside as the rain lashed against the skylights here in the room upstairs. The options for Hogmanay had to be considered, these included driving to Edinburgh not being able to park or drink, watching the fireworks in the rain surrounded by tens of thousands of drunks then getting stuck in traffic; enduring the neighbours and having to kiss people who ignore you for the rest of the year or overeating at the Royal George, playing a board game with F & D then having an argument about some aspect of the rules.
I had the Steak Pie but shouldn't have eaten the cream cake part of the High Tea. The flatulence that followed a few hours later gave a slight variation on the traditional 'First Footing' of the New Year at Muirhall Drive... much to everyone elses disgust.
30th December. Unnatural Gas.
Felt a bit dead this morning. Took the remains of the PC around to Alistair, who took the hard drive thingy out of it. After plugging it into his computer he said it was similarly deceased, that's what I can tell the Inland Revenue if there's any dissecting of last years accounts. Before I left, I managed to stink out the front room, the back room and the kitchen in his house, a consequence of last nights over indulgence, "heavy aromatic compounds" he said.
29th December. Sick Outside The Fishermans.
The annual private function in Broughty Ferry was drawing to a close. I made a bee-line for the swing doors with a growing sense of urgency, politely ignoring any attempts at long-winded farewells from fellow drinkers. Once outside on the pavement the dizzieness heralded an out-of-stomach experience, such as is seen all over Britain amongst binge drinking young people. However any illness was quickly washed away by the rain or carried on the gale which had sprung up from the river.
The doors swung open and Isabelle came out of the bar walking towards me then quickly assessing the situation, "Eeeyuch! I've walked in your vomit."
The doors swung open and Isabelle came out of the bar walking towards me then quickly assessing the situation, "Eeeyuch! I've walked in your vomit."
28th December. That Hen Again.
No sooner was the house heated up again and who should come calling but 'Hettie the Intelligent Hen', who recently has got too clever by far.
"It's practically taken over the kitchen, that bird has" I said.
"You should have seen her face this evening" Isabelle said. "I just looked out of the door and her face was full of purpose, just saying 'Open the door'."
The real purpose is for the hen to wander about the kitchen knocking the cats' water bowl over, perching on my shoulders, pecking at any odd bits of cat litter, then after about 8pm retiring to a cardboard box in the bedroom. Hettie likes to sleep late.
"It's practically taken over the kitchen, that bird has" I said.
"You should have seen her face this evening" Isabelle said. "I just looked out of the door and her face was full of purpose, just saying 'Open the door'."
The real purpose is for the hen to wander about the kitchen knocking the cats' water bowl over, perching on my shoulders, pecking at any odd bits of cat litter, then after about 8pm retiring to a cardboard box in the bedroom. Hettie likes to sleep late.
27th December. Cold Comfort Here.
Arrived back here with the heating off for almost a week, took me right back to the days of going to bed with cold feet.
Back then, when Isabelle first arrived here, we used to sit there in the kitchen with coats on and Isabelle would wear a scarf and gloves, and you could see your breath. A tank of central heating oil lasted three years. Needless to say by the second year an ultimatum was delivered, and a 50:50 compromise worked out; heating on during the day but off at night.
Back then, when Isabelle first arrived here, we used to sit there in the kitchen with coats on and Isabelle would wear a scarf and gloves, and you could see your breath. A tank of central heating oil lasted three years. Needless to say by the second year an ultimatum was delivered, and a 50:50 compromise worked out; heating on during the day but off at night.
26th December. How to Order a Coffee.
Isabelle was surprised then appalled when she discovered the reason the man behind the bar at The London Hotel had served up two black coffees as well as two white coffees. This was clear evidence of another case of 'Are you on drugs?' syndrome; the inability to communicate the simplest of requests by word of mouth.
Isabelle and Junior gave me a thorough grilling on speech habits, not being bothered, and not willing to make any effort regarding enunciation etc. Junior determined to enlighten me further with the use of the newly acquired video technology of his mobile phone, as to just how much of a retard (for want of a better word) I come over as. Some progress has been made on that front I must admit.
Isabelle and Junior gave me a thorough grilling on speech habits, not being bothered, and not willing to make any effort regarding enunciation etc. Junior determined to enlighten me further with the use of the newly acquired video technology of his mobile phone, as to just how much of a retard (for want of a better word) I come over as. Some progress has been made on that front I must admit.
25th December. Xmas Morning Care Home Dialogue.
"Will you be coming tonight?"
"Probably not, but we're all here now."
"NOW's no good is it!! It's Christmas night that matters! They're all going out! It's not much of a prospect is it? It's not very nice being on your own on Christmas night. They're all going out, I'll be on my own."
(Pause) 'Will you be coming tonight?"
"Yes, we'll be coming tonight."
"Oh! please yourselves! Don't come if you don't want to!"
(Pause) "I don't want you here! DON'T come then!"
(Pause) "What are you doing tonight? I'll be on my own", etc...
"Probably not, but we're all here now."
"NOW's no good is it!! It's Christmas night that matters! They're all going out! It's not much of a prospect is it? It's not very nice being on your own on Christmas night. They're all going out, I'll be on my own."
(Pause) 'Will you be coming tonight?"
"Yes, we'll be coming tonight."
"Oh! please yourselves! Don't come if you don't want to!"
(Pause) "I don't want you here! DON'T come then!"
(Pause) "What are you doing tonight? I'll be on my own", etc...
24th December. Christmas Eve Morning Day.
Xmas meal No.1 passed off as planned but only I opted for Turkey. The others wanted to save themselves for tomorrow and the next day. Total cost came out at £47 including drinks for five people, less than a meal for one at last years Xmas Day prices at The Talardy just down the road.
Mother got a bit teary, going on about 'being a burden' etc, when I had to wheel her through to the disabled toilets for another gymnastic session. I made light of the situation commenting that old age was simply a fact of life, before wheeling her back for Xmas Pudding.
The savings made at the Tweedmill Xmas Eve economy dinner have to be offset against the almost inevitable purchase by Isabelle of a coat here at the trade outlet. We must also include in the calculation, the £89 worth of M&S Christmas food we have to consume tomorrow whilst Mother has her own dinner along with the other Care Home inmates.
Mother got a bit teary, going on about 'being a burden' etc, when I had to wheel her through to the disabled toilets for another gymnastic session. I made light of the situation commenting that old age was simply a fact of life, before wheeling her back for Xmas Pudding.
The savings made at the Tweedmill Xmas Eve economy dinner have to be offset against the almost inevitable purchase by Isabelle of a coat here at the trade outlet. We must also include in the calculation, the £89 worth of M&S Christmas food we have to consume tomorrow whilst Mother has her own dinner along with the other Care Home inmates.
23rd December. Tony Blair.
Mother failed the Tony Blair Test this morning, the closest answer to who the Prime Minister is? was Tony... Benn, "well I don't like him anyway", she said of the current PM, (Whatever his name is presumably).
Technically getting the first letter of the surname right gives a final score of 5 out of 9 letters. This equates to scraping through with a pass mark of 55.5%.
Technically getting the first letter of the surname right gives a final score of 5 out of 9 letters. This equates to scraping through with a pass mark of 55.5%.
22rd December. Father Ted Meets Google.
My brother (70) has been threatening for a while to enter the digital age but to date still lacks a computer. What do you need a computer for eh? 'Junior' has a computer but no internet connection, honestly in this day and age! How can anyone live without Google? For instance if you'd been watching a xmas episode of Father Ted and wondered what year it was made. but not having received a Classical education how could you find out what the Roman numerals XCVI mean, without leaving your seat? is it 86 or 96?
This is an example of one of many invaluable services the home computer can provide. Does this mean that General Knowledge may go the same way as mental arithmetic since we've all had pocket calculators? Duh... just a minute there... I'll have to google that one...
This is an example of one of many invaluable services the home computer can provide. Does this mean that General Knowledge may go the same way as mental arithmetic since we've all had pocket calculators? Duh... just a minute there... I'll have to google that one...
21st December. Christmas Dinner-Bargain!
Departure for "Sunny" Rhyl is scheduled for tomorrow. It was my idea to have Christmas one day earlier than normally advertised.
Mother is now, to be perfectly frank, at a stage in life where one day is pretty much like any other. It's maybe unfair to go as far as to say she doesn't know what day it is, and also, when I tried her out last visit, she still passed the Tony Blair Test with full marks. Why pay all that money for a meal out on the one day in the year when they bump up the price of Turkey all because of Baby Jesus? You can get a perfectly adequate Christmas dinner at the "Tweedmill" any time up to three weeks before 'His' official birthday, with wheelchair access, disabled toilets and you can pick up a cut price pair of jeans at the same time. Another advantage is that my brother won't have to defy the laws of physics by being in two places at once on the 25th, but will still be able to eat Christmas dinner twice, as we all will, even Mother, who still has a remarkable digestion at 92.
She will probably have forgotten anyway, by the time she's eating turkey with all the trimmings again a day later in the care home.
Mother is now, to be perfectly frank, at a stage in life where one day is pretty much like any other. It's maybe unfair to go as far as to say she doesn't know what day it is, and also, when I tried her out last visit, she still passed the Tony Blair Test with full marks. Why pay all that money for a meal out on the one day in the year when they bump up the price of Turkey all because of Baby Jesus? You can get a perfectly adequate Christmas dinner at the "Tweedmill" any time up to three weeks before 'His' official birthday, with wheelchair access, disabled toilets and you can pick up a cut price pair of jeans at the same time. Another advantage is that my brother won't have to defy the laws of physics by being in two places at once on the 25th, but will still be able to eat Christmas dinner twice, as we all will, even Mother, who still has a remarkable digestion at 92.
She will probably have forgotten anyway, by the time she's eating turkey with all the trimmings again a day later in the care home.
20th December. Interlude At the Health Centre.
Clocked in at Glaver St, first thing but Nurse Grey pulled Isabelle up short on the subject of having a syringe stuck in my arm.
"We can't just take blood willy-nilly you know, we can only do a chloresterol test on the request of a Doctor. Does he have a heart condition? It's only the immediate family history that matters".
"Yes, but he eats a lot of butter and cheese".
"What difference would him knowing his chloresterol level make? We should all try to eat a healthy diet anyway" countered Nurse Grey.
"That's ok" I said, "I don't really mind. Actually, I've got a touch of Trypanophobia" I said looking at a syringe filling up with Isabelle's rare warm blood. Luckily there was no more requirement for additional puncturing in the form of boosters for Typhoid and the like, vis-a-vis the next upcoming tropical soujourn. That was according to the now uploaded medical records.
Just to make sure, Nurse Grey hauled out the original files, I mean can you really trust anything on a computer screen I thought, as she perused an on-line map of Malaria incidence in Vietnam. "I think Trang-Bang's there" I said, pointing to the red shaded area which just about covered the whole country.
"We can't just take blood willy-nilly you know, we can only do a chloresterol test on the request of a Doctor. Does he have a heart condition? It's only the immediate family history that matters".
"Yes, but he eats a lot of butter and cheese".
"What difference would him knowing his chloresterol level make? We should all try to eat a healthy diet anyway" countered Nurse Grey.
"That's ok" I said, "I don't really mind. Actually, I've got a touch of Trypanophobia" I said looking at a syringe filling up with Isabelle's rare warm blood. Luckily there was no more requirement for additional puncturing in the form of boosters for Typhoid and the like, vis-a-vis the next upcoming tropical soujourn. That was according to the now uploaded medical records.
Just to make sure, Nurse Grey hauled out the original files, I mean can you really trust anything on a computer screen I thought, as she perused an on-line map of Malaria incidence in Vietnam. "I think Trang-Bang's there" I said, pointing to the red shaded area which just about covered the whole country.
19th December. Ladderwork- a Proactive Approach
The McBs work on the principle, that as far as the house goes, he makes most of the decisions, Mrs McB only has to decide when to hoover or when to go out to the shops, which are in easy walking distance. Recently bereaved, Mrs McB made a point of mentioning before going out to the shops mid-morning "to be careful on those ladders with the ice and frost", which was nice. I must admit it had already crossed my mind, as a precaution I decided to take my mobile phone with me. The reasoning behind this was; in the event of a fall onto say the conservatory roof if I regained consciousness to find myself half paralysed, or maybe just with a fractured pelvis I might be stuck there and end up suffering from exposure before Mrs McB finally came back from the town. I nipped out into the street as I'd forgotten the name of the house should I need to give directions to the emergency services.
18th December. That Rob Liddle Thing-Ch. 4.
Re: The Trouble With Atheism.
According to Mr Liddle the dangerous vacuum left by the disappearance of Religion would leave us all living in something akin to a Marxist state operating a system of Eugenics. Well to be honest a package tour to the Soviet Union of the mid 1980's left me with the distinct impression they'd just swapped one set of religious icons for another; the same profile of Lenins head everywhere you looked. Can anyone seriously equate so-called Atheist states with a network of Gulags as encouraging the habit of thinking for yourself. As for Hitler, Atheism and whatever, the way I have it, Hitler was latterly off his trolley and a ruthless dictator to boot who used any means possible to achieve some crackpot notion of World domination. Even if Hitler was an Atheist It's tantamount to saying because Hitler was a vegetarian anyone that doesn't eat meat should be watched very carefully indeed.
According to Mr Liddle the dangerous vacuum left by the disappearance of Religion would leave us all living in something akin to a Marxist state operating a system of Eugenics. Well to be honest a package tour to the Soviet Union of the mid 1980's left me with the distinct impression they'd just swapped one set of religious icons for another; the same profile of Lenins head everywhere you looked. Can anyone seriously equate so-called Atheist states with a network of Gulags as encouraging the habit of thinking for yourself. As for Hitler, Atheism and whatever, the way I have it, Hitler was latterly off his trolley and a ruthless dictator to boot who used any means possible to achieve some crackpot notion of World domination. Even if Hitler was an Atheist It's tantamount to saying because Hitler was a vegetarian anyone that doesn't eat meat should be watched very carefully indeed.
17th December. Last Post?
Tomorrow, Monday, facing up to the grim reality of another large house with beige carpeting in the living room. Beige carpet matches well with everything except soot, cement dust or any kind of mud or bootprint. Access to the top of the chimney is compromised by a conservatory which has "a flat bit on top that a ladder could stand on." However Conservatory is just another name for Glasshouse with all its attendant vulnerabilities to 30 feet of chimney liner. Frost is also set to add interest to the proceedings... This may be my last post.
16th December. 'Tiddles'-Your Profile.
In a dramatic turn of events 'Tiddles' became involved in a medical drama which was to ultimately cost, not her life, but £44.75. 'Tiddles' has, for some fourteen years, proved to be a very low maintenance cat and has never been back to the vets since the official hysterectomy. She enjoys the violin and also popular brass band melodies but only when whistled. She has in her time dabbled in soft drugs such as Catmint but her premier addiction remains Tesco Cat Crunchies. 'Tiddles' is a firm believer in a no-exercise approach to life and is very fond of central heating.
15th December. Perth Crematorium.
Skirting round the town on the by-pass a little earlier than usual I notice something that isn't usually there; a plume of fairly thick smoke rising straight up above the now leafless trees. For a moment, I thought, in a provincial town nowadays conspicuously lacking in any heavy industry, what enterprise could account for this level of pollution or indeed permit such a spread of contaminants?
Then i realised the factory in question at one time sighted on the outskirts of town and obscured by trees is now actually only separated by the said trees from the main road. We are here speaking of what has become a growth industry of late and a success story that's projected to continue for a number of years. Despite the freeing up of the marketplace the factory still enjoys a local monopoly.
Then i realised the factory in question at one time sighted on the outskirts of town and obscured by trees is now actually only separated by the said trees from the main road. We are here speaking of what has become a growth industry of late and a success story that's projected to continue for a number of years. Despite the freeing up of the marketplace the factory still enjoys a local monopoly.
14th December. 'The Swimming'
Tonight, due to a misapprehension regarding 'Swim Club' I find I'm the only swimmer in the entire Leisure Pool. It's still required that I be watched by two attendants to comply fully with current health & safety. It feels like either this is my own private 25 metre pool with a permanent staff or I'm in an aquatic version of 'The Shining'. One attendant opens the door directly to the rain and wind until a particularly strong gust slams the door shut again... then all of a sudden the pool turns red and I'm swimming in blood.
13th December. 10 Years Older.
Arrived this morning to another closely worded A4 sheet of instructions regarding the eventual appearance of the fireplace for Mrs S. To be fair there was included an apology for this degree of fussiness and a hint that this increases with age, "You must think I'm..."
Yes well, it's a far cry from Mr R for instance who left his front door unlocked having instructed me to do "Whatever you think best". Thereby trusting me to make any decision that came into my head with regard to the aesthetics, which he would then live with presumably for the next ten years or so.
Isabelle relaxes, glued to that formulaic '10 years Younger' thing on Ch 4 where normally some woman agonises over the eventual appearance of something, usually her face...
Yes well, it's a far cry from Mr R for instance who left his front door unlocked having instructed me to do "Whatever you think best". Thereby trusting me to make any decision that came into my head with regard to the aesthetics, which he would then live with presumably for the next ten years or so.
Isabelle relaxes, glued to that formulaic '10 years Younger' thing on Ch 4 where normally some woman agonises over the eventual appearance of something, usually her face...
12th December. Jack Spratts' Chloresterol Level.
For some reason, Isabelle has us booked in at Glaver Street for a Chloresterol Level check, probably sparked by some kind of dietary concern. If I'm anything like my late uncle who took the Coronary Thrombosis route, I've only about five years to go. Whereas Mother seems to have no heart trouble despite a lifetime of eating 'good food', i.e. meat and gravy.
If Jack Spratt (who ate no fat) and his wife (who ate no lean) had their levels checked, the results should correlate well with ours, as well as between them, licking the platter clean.
If Jack Spratt (who ate no fat) and his wife (who ate no lean) had their levels checked, the results should correlate well with ours, as well as between them, licking the platter clean.
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