Mr B. hadn't actually noticed the discrepancy which came to light whilst being frisked before a recent flight departure. The airport secutity man was moved to pass comment whilst checking the lower half of Mr B's body. "Do you know your right leg is much wider than your left, sir?" "No" replied Mr B "No I didn't, actually."
This increase of right leg musculature is a long term result of not being much good at kicking a football with his left leg in earlier life. Similarly Mr B's passion for squash has ended up with the right forearm massively developed compared with the left and this has exacerbated the entire right handedness. A continuing imbalance hasn't been the best thing for back pain though and a physiiotherapist recommended some sort of activity with an equal use of both sides.
Mr B went out and bought a kayak. The initial paddling trials on Loch Alsh found Mr B's efforts to go straight ahead more or less describing a circle.
6th November. Fantasy Exercise.
This morning there was rather a strange smell like the drains when I arrived at the G.D.s', both indoors and outdoors. Not exactly a stench, but not evocative of health and vitality either. I didn't feel it was really my place to raise the subject. Mr G.D. slept on through the odour and likewise the tennis on Sky Sports.
When I arrived home Isabelle was clutching the laptop and lying prone on the sofa bed, having folded it back into a sofa. Notification by e-mail had arrived confirming that her mother (60) had reached the roof of Africa yesterday (5895metres).
I finished the day half watching some fly-on-the-wall thing about fat people trying to walk from one end of the country to the other.
When I arrived home Isabelle was clutching the laptop and lying prone on the sofa bed, having folded it back into a sofa. Notification by e-mail had arrived confirming that her mother (60) had reached the roof of Africa yesterday (5895metres).
I finished the day half watching some fly-on-the-wall thing about fat people trying to walk from one end of the country to the other.
5th November. High (Calorie) Tea.
Clocked in at the local restaurant for the peculiarly Scottish phenomenon known as 'High Tea'. This traditional fare seems to be unique to Sundays. The event kicks off around 4pm, contestants are advised to bring an empty stomach. The first appearance on the table is about a gallon of tea, for everything else that follows to swim around in. Next up a rack of toast with jam like you're about to breakfast. Then the dinner arrives, usually good old-fashioned standards, I opted for close-to-extinction breaded haddock, 'Mrs Junior to be' had Growth hormone chicken curry with GM rice, Isabelle and Junior had steak and mushrooms with Creutzfeldt-Jakob fears and everyone must have chips. Then the tiered cake stand arrives with the ubiquitous selection of high calorie delicacies for the sweet tooth. These are all part of the set price, but what kind of constitution can stomach a fruit scone then maybe a meringue after a chicken curry?
4th November. Gar's Generous Big Bang.
In the end Fergus's dad was rescheduled for the Tour of Ostentation later in the week. That meant there was only four of us plus Pete the nominated driver that made the journey to the invite-only firework fest with free burger van and bar. The bonfire was a splendid affair of straw bails, old tyres,10 gallons of diesel and a mountain of pallets. Then John the ex-fireman and Ross, replete in fireproof suits, just ran around setting light to as many fireworks as possible in the shortest time. These had been lined up previous to the event. The effect of the 'display' was, I imagine, a bit like what would happen if a spark had jumped into a £3000 selection box. We all stood watching money burn at the rate of £400-a-minute.
3rd November. Review of the film Borat...Not!
Life goes on. During the afternoon Mr G.D. slumbered through the snooker on Sky Sports, which made a change from the cricket of the previous two days. It's a shame that this is all that happens when there's so little time left.
Tonight there was no fight at the cinema between young people similarly wasting their lives, which also represented a departure from any set pattern for fridays. This weekend we have visitors; 'Junior' and 'Mrs Junior to be', squashed into the back of the Daihatsu on top of various power tools "My leg has gone dead" (moan).
It's the first visit for exactly a year, it could be a mutual love of explosion? The main reason being the prospect of 'Gar's several thousand £'s of fireworks going off tomorrow night with a bang. Of course Father and son have a lot more in common; an over riding sense of futility, preoccupation with the shortness of life, that sort of thing. At this precise time, like two orbiting planets our transits cross at a unique point where I am exactly twice his age. I said, "I don't feel like you've already lived half my life. it doesn't seem that long since you came out in the labour suite."
Tonight there was no fight at the cinema between young people similarly wasting their lives, which also represented a departure from any set pattern for fridays. This weekend we have visitors; 'Junior' and 'Mrs Junior to be', squashed into the back of the Daihatsu on top of various power tools "My leg has gone dead" (moan).
It's the first visit for exactly a year, it could be a mutual love of explosion? The main reason being the prospect of 'Gar's several thousand £'s of fireworks going off tomorrow night with a bang. Of course Father and son have a lot more in common; an over riding sense of futility, preoccupation with the shortness of life, that sort of thing. At this precise time, like two orbiting planets our transits cross at a unique point where I am exactly twice his age. I said, "I don't feel like you've already lived half my life. it doesn't seem that long since you came out in the labour suite."
2nd November. Swim Club.
The first rule of Swim Club is, you do not talk about Swim Club...?
I wondered if I'd be the worst because some of the older men and women weren't exactly streamlined, although certainly buoyant. Once in the water, I was confirmed as the most inefficient swimmer, even though I was already relegated to the lane for the most in need of coaching. The training programme consisted of alternately gulping air or water and getting progressively more knackered as the hour went on; I was given special dispensation to rest up from the full quota of lengths.
Kicking legs only, stretched out with a float held in front, I found that the other end of the pool didn't seem to be getting any closer. I'm tempted to say "this is hopeless", but then it would certainly never get any better. Seems like I have to learn to "feel the water moving past me" amongst other things, more than enough to occupy the mind in between fighting for breath. I leave the inappropriately named "Leisure Pool" at 10.30pm. feeling like I may not wake up tomorrow.
I wondered if I'd be the worst because some of the older men and women weren't exactly streamlined, although certainly buoyant. Once in the water, I was confirmed as the most inefficient swimmer, even though I was already relegated to the lane for the most in need of coaching. The training programme consisted of alternately gulping air or water and getting progressively more knackered as the hour went on; I was given special dispensation to rest up from the full quota of lengths.
Kicking legs only, stretched out with a float held in front, I found that the other end of the pool didn't seem to be getting any closer. I'm tempted to say "this is hopeless", but then it would certainly never get any better. Seems like I have to learn to "feel the water moving past me" amongst other things, more than enough to occupy the mind in between fighting for breath. I leave the inappropriately named "Leisure Pool" at 10.30pm. feeling like I may not wake up tomorrow.
1st November. Maturity Plus.
Mr G.D. sat slumbering in front of the cricket on Sky Sports, next to the motorised wheelchair and surrounded by various medications. This was a remarkable feat considering I was bashing away with a hammer and bolster not six feet from his ear drums. Admittedly his hearing is a little impaired, as is mine, but I have the benefit of ear defenders.
Mrs G.D. is out visiting, an afternoons light relief from the duty of caring for an older husband. Marrying a younger woman possibly keeps a man younger but there comes a time, it's inevitable, when things take a... downturn. Quite a recent state of affairs judging by the numbers of retrievers and gun dogs all desperate for exercise and the plethora of fly fishing rods and waders.
The downstairs toilet interior charts past visits to both the Arctic and Antarctic, the Polar Bear and the Adelie Penguin; ironic now that the desired effect of fitting this multi-fuel stove is to more or less create a permanent equatorial heat.
Mrs G.D. is out visiting, an afternoons light relief from the duty of caring for an older husband. Marrying a younger woman possibly keeps a man younger but there comes a time, it's inevitable, when things take a... downturn. Quite a recent state of affairs judging by the numbers of retrievers and gun dogs all desperate for exercise and the plethora of fly fishing rods and waders.
The downstairs toilet interior charts past visits to both the Arctic and Antarctic, the Polar Bear and the Adelie Penguin; ironic now that the desired effect of fitting this multi-fuel stove is to more or less create a permanent equatorial heat.
31st October. The Greenhouse Effect.
The sound of CRASH!... BYOINGG... BERRANG, BAM, BABAM! signalled that a round trip of some 50 miles to "Gregg for Glass" was on the cards. Mr M. the retired Exciseman appeared at the patio doors to receive an explanation... Another great enemy of high level work, besides the wind, (see previous) is the lean-to greenhouse, normally clad in 2mm horticultural glass. "It's the cheapest kind of glass" Mr M. commiserated, after I informed him of the trajectory of the corroded chimney component that had been blown off the roof.
"Believe it or not we don't actually get a lot of wind here"
"Is that right?" I said, as the wind tore through the surrounding pines and sycamores like a video from one of those Extreme Weather programmes on Channel 5.
"Is that snow?" Mr M. said pointing upward to the slopes of Ben-Y-Vrackie, "Not enough for skiing though" he added with a certain drollness. We talked for a while about Global Warming, "I'm glad I'm the age I am" was his verdict, then I left on the journey to "Gregg for Glass". By the time I arrived back at exactly the same spot, I would have created enough CO2 to fill a swimming pool.
"Believe it or not we don't actually get a lot of wind here"
"Is that right?" I said, as the wind tore through the surrounding pines and sycamores like a video from one of those Extreme Weather programmes on Channel 5.
"Is that snow?" Mr M. said pointing upward to the slopes of Ben-Y-Vrackie, "Not enough for skiing though" he added with a certain drollness. We talked for a while about Global Warming, "I'm glad I'm the age I am" was his verdict, then I left on the journey to "Gregg for Glass". By the time I arrived back at exactly the same spot, I would have created enough CO2 to fill a swimming pool.
30th October. "Ye May Gang Faur And Fare Waur"
I've never known a mouth ulcer like this. On the way back, I opted to stop at the Stracathro Service Area to buy Paracetemol in a vain attempt to quell the current pain. I struggled past a carousel of Cliff Richard albums and the like to purchase a take-away tea...
As I slowly sipped, surrounded by parked lorries, my attention was drawn to certain features of these now unusual premises. This self-service facility is a product of that "progressive" era of the late 1960's, and back then probably represented ultra-modern chic with details like festoon lighting and red quarry tiles throughout. Whether it should be demolished wholesale or be subject to some kind of preservation order is a question I can't answer.
Up until the late 70's. the traffic used to thunder by in front, now it thunders by round the back. That was when they had to redo the handpainted slogan that runs the length of the building in large black & white letters. Roughly translated this reads: "In the management's opinion, you may conceivably travel quite a considerable distance, before deciding to stop at a similar restaurant to this one, and there be surprised to find that the quality of the meal served is of an inferior quality to that which one could partake of here."
Any doubts concerning the verity of this proclamation, in all probability, will have greatly magnified over the decades.
As I slowly sipped, surrounded by parked lorries, my attention was drawn to certain features of these now unusual premises. This self-service facility is a product of that "progressive" era of the late 1960's, and back then probably represented ultra-modern chic with details like festoon lighting and red quarry tiles throughout. Whether it should be demolished wholesale or be subject to some kind of preservation order is a question I can't answer.
Up until the late 70's. the traffic used to thunder by in front, now it thunders by round the back. That was when they had to redo the handpainted slogan that runs the length of the building in large black & white letters. Roughly translated this reads: "In the management's opinion, you may conceivably travel quite a considerable distance, before deciding to stop at a similar restaurant to this one, and there be surprised to find that the quality of the meal served is of an inferior quality to that which one could partake of here."
Any doubts concerning the verity of this proclamation, in all probability, will have greatly magnified over the decades.
29th October. Thoughts at The Stuart Crystal Factory Shop.
Having run the gauntlet of the display, we entered the restaurant area to the crashing sound of the opening bars of some heavily riffed metal.... Errrm...we entered the restaurant area to the strains of what might have been computer generated muzak. We were given a number; the drill is to wait for your scone pre-seated at a table.
Looking around, the crystal buying public seemed to be made up entirely of older members of society who sit there quietly in couples, having said everything there was to say by about 1974; after all those years of 9 to 5 toil, giving birth, looking after the kids, scrimping and saving for retirement, nursing ageing parents, coming to terms with hair loss, coping with decreased mobility, letting go of dreams like playing for Scotland, living with some degree of rheumatic pain, having an operation for a prolapse, watching the world you know dissapear, and society rejecting every value you hold dear... After all that, is this all you've got to look forward to: driving out to Stuart Crystal on a Sunday afternoon for a cup of tea and a fairly dry scone, hoping that the wife doesn't gravitate to anything like a crystal vase reduced by 15% to £468.
Looking around, the crystal buying public seemed to be made up entirely of older members of society who sit there quietly in couples, having said everything there was to say by about 1974; after all those years of 9 to 5 toil, giving birth, looking after the kids, scrimping and saving for retirement, nursing ageing parents, coming to terms with hair loss, coping with decreased mobility, letting go of dreams like playing for Scotland, living with some degree of rheumatic pain, having an operation for a prolapse, watching the world you know dissapear, and society rejecting every value you hold dear... After all that, is this all you've got to look forward to: driving out to Stuart Crystal on a Sunday afternoon for a cup of tea and a fairly dry scone, hoping that the wife doesn't gravitate to anything like a crystal vase reduced by 15% to £468.
28th October. The Perfect Gift.
Fergus was at a bit of a loss as to a possible gift his father might appreciate for his 80th; a retired bastion of the farming community with no interests apart from endless comparisons of other peoples status by wealth.
"What about one of those farming yesteryear annuals?"
"He doesn't read. We were going to get him one of those hand-drawn caricatures, but he'd probably think we were just making fun of him. Then someone suggested a helicopter flight over the farm, but I don't know... Everybody's phoning us up asking what they can give him as a gift, he'll probably just end up with enough bottles of whisky to last him 'til he's dead."
An idea struck me that his dad, having heard something on the grapevine about the levels of ostentation up at 'G & J's' Baronial former care home, might appreciate a look around. Fergus's eyes lit up, and he said that a guided tour of the place would absolutely make the perfect gift, as his dad liked nothing better than overt displays of acquisitive power. "It'll give him something to talk about for months."
"Aye, I've been there. Aye I've seen the Bentleys, the Conservatory. Och! a helluva money! Helluva money, aye..."
All that remains now are the logistics of inveigling his dad into the guests at the coming firework display when 'G' lets off a few thousand £'s worth all at once. Thence to the acres of the red carpeted interior, the bespoke solid wood kitchen units, the multi-fauceted bathrooms with mosaic floors and the crystal chandeliers, no expense spared.
"What about one of those farming yesteryear annuals?"
"He doesn't read. We were going to get him one of those hand-drawn caricatures, but he'd probably think we were just making fun of him. Then someone suggested a helicopter flight over the farm, but I don't know... Everybody's phoning us up asking what they can give him as a gift, he'll probably just end up with enough bottles of whisky to last him 'til he's dead."
An idea struck me that his dad, having heard something on the grapevine about the levels of ostentation up at 'G & J's' Baronial former care home, might appreciate a look around. Fergus's eyes lit up, and he said that a guided tour of the place would absolutely make the perfect gift, as his dad liked nothing better than overt displays of acquisitive power. "It'll give him something to talk about for months."
"Aye, I've been there. Aye I've seen the Bentleys, the Conservatory. Och! a helluva money! Helluva money, aye..."
All that remains now are the logistics of inveigling his dad into the guests at the coming firework display when 'G' lets off a few thousand £'s worth all at once. Thence to the acres of the red carpeted interior, the bespoke solid wood kitchen units, the multi-fauceted bathrooms with mosaic floors and the crystal chandeliers, no expense spared.
27th October. Friday Night Live.
I was standing in the foyer of the Playhouse with Stuart, waiting for Isabelle to emerge after the credits had rolled completely. Idly I scanned a poster, which depicted a youth with a recenly stitched scar, something about knife crime and "saving face - it's not worth it."
The floodgates must have opened to Cinema 1 upstairs and young people cascaded down the steps. Suddenly testostorone levels proved too much for one pair of young adults. Whatever real or imagined grievance one held for the other, did it warrant a surprise attack? This culminated in the smaller of the two hammering the other, by now crouched on the floor, over the head with one of his boots.
The surrounding crowd instinctively pulled back and various voices were raised. I peered into the rammy half interested, half repulsed, and there was Isabelle pulling the smaller boot wielding one off, shouting
"STOP IT!! Calm DOWN!" At this, the smaller one, confused and angry but having drawn blood, moved off. The taller one, by now enraged, had to be restrained by three or four friends...
Isabelle's explanation was, "I just felt I had to stop it, I couldn't just stand there looking at it, I could feel the other one getting hurt."
The floodgates must have opened to Cinema 1 upstairs and young people cascaded down the steps. Suddenly testostorone levels proved too much for one pair of young adults. Whatever real or imagined grievance one held for the other, did it warrant a surprise attack? This culminated in the smaller of the two hammering the other, by now crouched on the floor, over the head with one of his boots.
The surrounding crowd instinctively pulled back and various voices were raised. I peered into the rammy half interested, half repulsed, and there was Isabelle pulling the smaller boot wielding one off, shouting
"STOP IT!! Calm DOWN!" At this, the smaller one, confused and angry but having drawn blood, moved off. The taller one, by now enraged, had to be restrained by three or four friends...
Isabelle's explanation was, "I just felt I had to stop it, I couldn't just stand there looking at it, I could feel the other one getting hurt."
26th October. Safety is Paramount.
The greatest enemy of high level work is, of course, the wind. Last nights forecast, with an extreme weather warning for most of Scotland, proved fairly accurate. "70 mph gusts by the afternoon" which made refitment of the octagonal chimney pot an operation that was somewhat fraught, particularly as the G's house is exposed to more than just simply the four winds. However here I am back in the same seat again having cheated The Pale Chappie once more. Also, I made a mental note whilst getting the ladders down, that the roof ladder is beginning to look as if it's made out of driftwood and replacement may be a wise move.
I used to think I was a slow eater but that was before developing this ulcer on the tip of my tongue, as well as a more conventional one on the inside of the cheek. I took so long rolling my, now regulation, lunchtime soup and roll around my mouth, the G's must have misread my tardiness as a reluctance to step back out into the hurricane.
I'm not making it up about the wind, public safety had been threatened by a municipal cherry tree between Tesco and the Leisure Pool. The uprooted and now horizontal tree meant we were subject to a traffic diversion as it was now parked in the middle of Glen Earn Rd.
I used to think I was a slow eater but that was before developing this ulcer on the tip of my tongue, as well as a more conventional one on the inside of the cheek. I took so long rolling my, now regulation, lunchtime soup and roll around my mouth, the G's must have misread my tardiness as a reluctance to step back out into the hurricane.
I'm not making it up about the wind, public safety had been threatened by a municipal cherry tree between Tesco and the Leisure Pool. The uprooted and now horizontal tree meant we were subject to a traffic diversion as it was now parked in the middle of Glen Earn Rd.
25th October. The Bored Reaper
The rain continued this morning but the Dark Angel was keeping a fairly low profile today, unlike yesterday. When I pushed the ladder up the wet slates of the north side of Mr & Mrs Gs' roof, the Spectre was already sitting up there on the ridge, looking bored. Nothing else to do apparently than watch me, with just a passing interest in a possible loss of balance.
When I came to lift the rather heavy octagonal chimney pot off the top of the stack any interest was piqued; topple over now and with a couple of strides he'd be rushing to tell me in my ear "You're going to die!" Yes well, we all know that matey, it's just a question of where, when and how?
Personally I don't even think it would necessarily have been a fatal drop, especially with the ground being soft with all this rain.
When I came to lift the rather heavy octagonal chimney pot off the top of the stack any interest was piqued; topple over now and with a couple of strides he'd be rushing to tell me in my ear "You're going to die!" Yes well, we all know that matey, it's just a question of where, when and how?
Personally I don't even think it would necessarily have been a fatal drop, especially with the ground being soft with all this rain.
24th October. A Brush With the Dark Angel.
This morning the weather continued damp and somewhat foggy. There I was heading west on the back road to Tibbermore, minding my own business, when The Reaper suddenly came into view, travelling in an easterly direction.
On this occasion the Pale Rider had assumed the form of a 26 ton, 6-wheel Seddon-Atkinson Tipper truck. Given the narrow chicane in the road ahead, the mud and the wet, I felt the speed of the oncoming juggernaut was inappropriate, excessive and with todays low co-efficient of friction, at the limits of tyre adhesion. I'd only just had time to think that thought when the unstoppable heavyweight did indeed pass its limit, breaking free of the tarmac and sliding sideways, snaking first one way, then the other, as the driver must have fought with the steering wheel. For a few moments the answer to the question of whether the wayward HGV would crush all in its path was a bit fuzzy...
On this occasion the Pale Rider had assumed the form of a 26 ton, 6-wheel Seddon-Atkinson Tipper truck. Given the narrow chicane in the road ahead, the mud and the wet, I felt the speed of the oncoming juggernaut was inappropriate, excessive and with todays low co-efficient of friction, at the limits of tyre adhesion. I'd only just had time to think that thought when the unstoppable heavyweight did indeed pass its limit, breaking free of the tarmac and sliding sideways, snaking first one way, then the other, as the driver must have fought with the steering wheel. For a few moments the answer to the question of whether the wayward HGV would crush all in its path was a bit fuzzy...
23rd October. Cats 'R' Us
"Oh! I got the story from Sandy's wife about the kittens."
"Yeah?"
"Somebody must have abandoned them on the other side of the bridge on the Silver Walk, they followed Sandy all the way back to his house."
"God, imagine if you'd found them, the whole house and our lives would've been reorganised around them for weeks."
"We need replacements for Lulu and Tiddles, who are going to die soon."
"Replacements? We don't need any replacements."
"I'm not going to buy kittens, I'm just going to take the ones that come to me."
"You mean like that big black stray with watery eyes that jumps onto the bed every night and thinks the top of my head is a radiator?"
"Yeah?"
"Somebody must have abandoned them on the other side of the bridge on the Silver Walk, they followed Sandy all the way back to his house."
"God, imagine if you'd found them, the whole house and our lives would've been reorganised around them for weeks."
"We need replacements for Lulu and Tiddles, who are going to die soon."
"Replacements? We don't need any replacements."
"I'm not going to buy kittens, I'm just going to take the ones that come to me."
"You mean like that big black stray with watery eyes that jumps onto the bed every night and thinks the top of my head is a radiator?"
22nd October. ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Sunday morning, we start the day with an argument about the use of colons and semi-colons. "Ever since you read that book about punctuation you're becoming unreadable." And at the same time, I've revealed the breadth of my ignorance of the entire subject of punctuation in general. It's not my fault that our Headmaster was part of avant-garde 1960's primary education," just get your ideas down! We'll worry about punctuation later." Later?
Later punctuation and grammar smacked of rules and by then you couldn't tell me anything about anything anyway so here we are here we are full stop
Later punctuation and grammar smacked of rules and by then you couldn't tell me anything about anything anyway so here we are here we are full stop
21st October. A Family Visits; I Need a Lie Down Afterwards.
I'd like you to meet The Whiner, The Screecher and The Charmer; three little girls, each with their very own strategy for getting what they want from Mummy and Daddy.
The scope of genetic variation between siblings never ceases to amaze. (A) was a born a Whiner, (B) screeches non-stop but (C) began placidly enough. That's not to say that (A) is incapable of either screeching or charming, but (B) coming after (A) had an inately different approach rather than following her elders' example, and (C) was naturally charming.
If any of the three could articulate their thoughts with a sufficient degree of abstraction they would say: "Whining/Screeching/Charming works quite well for me."
There's no doubt that screeching is the most wearing for all concerned. On the other hand, The Screecher develops a tremendous will power in addition to lung capacity as a result of these straight-forward head-to-head knockout rounds. Whining is a slow, drip, drip, Chinese water torture that could drive you to drink, or to take the much easier route of just giving in to the constant demands. Charming is a more subtle approach to setting the agenda entitled "My needs and how you're going to meet them".
The combined onslaught of all three at once, would be, in my opinion, more than enough to put anyone in the Nut House.
The scope of genetic variation between siblings never ceases to amaze. (A) was a born a Whiner, (B) screeches non-stop but (C) began placidly enough. That's not to say that (A) is incapable of either screeching or charming, but (B) coming after (A) had an inately different approach rather than following her elders' example, and (C) was naturally charming.
If any of the three could articulate their thoughts with a sufficient degree of abstraction they would say: "Whining/Screeching/Charming works quite well for me."
There's no doubt that screeching is the most wearing for all concerned. On the other hand, The Screecher develops a tremendous will power in addition to lung capacity as a result of these straight-forward head-to-head knockout rounds. Whining is a slow, drip, drip, Chinese water torture that could drive you to drink, or to take the much easier route of just giving in to the constant demands. Charming is a more subtle approach to setting the agenda entitled "My needs and how you're going to meet them".
The combined onslaught of all three at once, would be, in my opinion, more than enough to put anyone in the Nut House.
20th October. More About Ladders.
When I came out of Tesco tonight brandishing a new "super-mop" and a few essentials it was practically dark, but there was enough light to notice that the ladders on the roof-rack weren't tied on. Ah yes!... I remember now, I was going to do that after whatever... and there's the rope left in the trailer for that very purpose. So, since driving away from Mrs R.S's, I must have covered, what - a dozen miles? - down the A9, then through the town centre. Dear oh dear, tsk, tsk, tsk...
Ironically, half-an-hour earlier, I'd been congratulating myself on my own mindfulness whilst taking down the ladders from Mrs R.S's; a delicate operation, as the roof of the former church proved to be a fair bit longer than the actual roof ladder itself.
By coincidence I passed the wreckage of two accidents on the same route in the morning: somebody had mis-timed reversing out into the traffic from their drive, just up from Tesco, then there was a Tourist bus sat in the fast lane of the dual carriageway with four or five cars pulled off the road, the drivers involved in some sort of grand debate as to what exactly had happened.
" ...a momentary negligence may destroy the happiness of a Lifetime. Do nothing in haste; look well to each step; and from the beginning think what may be the end." (Edward Whymper, Mountaineer.)
Ironically, half-an-hour earlier, I'd been congratulating myself on my own mindfulness whilst taking down the ladders from Mrs R.S's; a delicate operation, as the roof of the former church proved to be a fair bit longer than the actual roof ladder itself.
By coincidence I passed the wreckage of two accidents on the same route in the morning: somebody had mis-timed reversing out into the traffic from their drive, just up from Tesco, then there was a Tourist bus sat in the fast lane of the dual carriageway with four or five cars pulled off the road, the drivers involved in some sort of grand debate as to what exactly had happened.
" ...a momentary negligence may destroy the happiness of a Lifetime. Do nothing in haste; look well to each step; and from the beginning think what may be the end." (Edward Whymper, Mountaineer.)
19th October. Talking Wrist Fractures.
Felt a bit vulnerable on ladders for a while after hearing a story at lunch-time, following an invitation in for tinned soup by Mr & Mrs G. Quite why I should be extended this hospitality I'm not sure. "The Lad's" who work for Roy the builder were left out in the firms' van with sandwiches and their copies of The Sun open as the rain lashed down, therefore remaining nameless from the customers point of view as a kind of Untermensch, and certainly not welcomed into the Aga heated farmhouse kitchen.
Anyway, talk came around to stoves and the splitting of firewood, then wear and tear on wrists whilst using a heavy axe. Then dwelling on wrists for a moment, it turned out that Mr G. had already had one wrist all pinned together with stainless steel following an incident involving a ladder...
He readily admitted to an unsafe ladder angle but didn't actually fall very far. However, as often happens, he fell backwards on his hands, and when he got up one set of fingers didn't work anymore.
They took one look at casualty and he was straight into theatre. "Why the rush?" I asked. Well, the two bones in the forearm had been displaced in such a way as to pinch the main blood supply and cut off circulation to his hand. There were fears that they'd have to lop it off.
'Imagine that', I thought to myself from the roof of the kitchen in the continuing rain, 'imagine ending up getting your hand amputated after a short fall from a ladder...'
Anyway, talk came around to stoves and the splitting of firewood, then wear and tear on wrists whilst using a heavy axe. Then dwelling on wrists for a moment, it turned out that Mr G. had already had one wrist all pinned together with stainless steel following an incident involving a ladder...
He readily admitted to an unsafe ladder angle but didn't actually fall very far. However, as often happens, he fell backwards on his hands, and when he got up one set of fingers didn't work anymore.
They took one look at casualty and he was straight into theatre. "Why the rush?" I asked. Well, the two bones in the forearm had been displaced in such a way as to pinch the main blood supply and cut off circulation to his hand. There were fears that they'd have to lop it off.
'Imagine that', I thought to myself from the roof of the kitchen in the continuing rain, 'imagine ending up getting your hand amputated after a short fall from a ladder...'
18th October. A Perfectly Good Afternoon Wasted.
I said to get an electrician in to fix the light switch at Cronton Place because it just isn't economic to have me crawling around in the attic pulling at wiring. In the end I was crawling around in the attic pulling at wiring. Carefully tracing a maze of pvc cabling underneath a lavish amount of fibreglass wool laid by the previous owner who must have bought a job lot.
Then I couldn't find my screwdriver that lights up in contact with the mains before you do. Another trip up to the High Street, "No, we don't take Switch Cards for under a fiver." Ok, a short walk to the bank, then back to the shop, then back to the attic. The wiring doesn't make any rational sense...
Then I just decided to turn on every light in the flat, with the result that the hall light which had stubbornly refused to illume came to life. The hall light switch was really just a joke light switch and with its attendant wiring was like the human appendix, a redundant organ from aeons ago. The actual switch had been there all along at the other end of the hall...
Still, I managed to keep Isabelle in the dark as to extent of the pointlessness of the exercise, the lights were "fixed" now.
Then I couldn't find my screwdriver that lights up in contact with the mains before you do. Another trip up to the High Street, "No, we don't take Switch Cards for under a fiver." Ok, a short walk to the bank, then back to the shop, then back to the attic. The wiring doesn't make any rational sense...
Then I just decided to turn on every light in the flat, with the result that the hall light which had stubbornly refused to illume came to life. The hall light switch was really just a joke light switch and with its attendant wiring was like the human appendix, a redundant organ from aeons ago. The actual switch had been there all along at the other end of the hall...
Still, I managed to keep Isabelle in the dark as to extent of the pointlessness of the exercise, the lights were "fixed" now.
17th October. "I Could Give Myself an Aneurism"
The missing part for Mrs R.S's stove fails to arrive, and I find myself at home on a Tuesday... 11.20 am, I walked into the bedroom and found Isabelle crashed out on the bed.
"What's wrong with you?" I asked.
"I have to lie down to calm my heart rate after coming out of the bath" she muttered, then sat up long enough to finish off a strawberrry yoghurt.
"For God's sake! I gasped, you're more fragile than my mother" (currently installed in a care home).
"Oh! I feel sick"
"Do you?"
"I feel very dizzy and exhausted, my blood pressure must be up, and my heart goes chika, chika. chika, chika... I'll take my time getting up... I feel pressure on my chest."
"Really?"
"You know, I went to the Doctor one day, two or three years ago and she took my blood pressure after I'd been sitting in the waiting room for 10 minutes, and it was sky high. Her face went a bit funny, so she took it again and it was normal. Sometimes my heart races on its own. My arteries are probably all blocked with the fat I eat."
"...Quite"
"I feel that pain again in my left arm... I bet my arteries are blocked."
"Cycling through equatorial Africa might be off then?"
"I'd need a full medical before I do that."
"What's wrong with you?" I asked.
"I have to lie down to calm my heart rate after coming out of the bath" she muttered, then sat up long enough to finish off a strawberrry yoghurt.
"For God's sake! I gasped, you're more fragile than my mother" (currently installed in a care home).
"Oh! I feel sick"
"Do you?"
"I feel very dizzy and exhausted, my blood pressure must be up, and my heart goes chika, chika. chika, chika... I'll take my time getting up... I feel pressure on my chest."
"Really?"
"You know, I went to the Doctor one day, two or three years ago and she took my blood pressure after I'd been sitting in the waiting room for 10 minutes, and it was sky high. Her face went a bit funny, so she took it again and it was normal. Sometimes my heart races on its own. My arteries are probably all blocked with the fat I eat."
"...Quite"
"I feel that pain again in my left arm... I bet my arteries are blocked."
"Cycling through equatorial Africa might be off then?"
"I'd need a full medical before I do that."
16th October. Warmest Autumn For 350 years.
The unseasonably warm weather continued today. I paused to make a cup of tea in Mrs R.S's kitchen and noticed that the electric kettle was full. Before switching on I decanted most of the contents as per current energy saving guidelines. This is just one of the steps an individual can take to reverse the melting of 10 billion tons of ice every year in Antarctica. Along with checking tyre pressures regularly to halt the thawing of the Siberian Tundra and its consequent release of the equivalent of seven years of carbon emissions...
It's a shame that our house is so close to the present sea level. Maybe I'm just using global warming as another excuse for not getting on with the planned renovations, was Isabelle's slant on it.
It's a shame that our house is so close to the present sea level. Maybe I'm just using global warming as another excuse for not getting on with the planned renovations, was Isabelle's slant on it.
15th October. Sunday Lunch Interrupted.
I required assistance in taking down a forty foot ladder.
I gave a pre-arranged signal to the Lt-Col through the double glazing of the immense conservatory. He paused, fork midway to his mouth, whilst registering my presence in the garden. I acknowledged Mrs Lt-Col but she looked back blankly as if I was an escaped loonie, despite our previous conversations of a few months ago . The Lt-Col jumped to his feet and left the dining table, while the two invited guests turned around in their seats to look, obviously irritated by this uncalled for interruption to Sunday Lunch...by a tradesman?...Good Lord!
It was interesting to note that sectors remain of British society that still partake of The Sunday Lunch. My own memory of this venerable institution centre mainly on sitting alone with a bowl of "Eve's Pudding" after the rest of the table had been cleared. The specific instruction to leave a clean plate ensured a life long dislike of cooked apple desserts especially when flavoured with cloves...
I gave a pre-arranged signal to the Lt-Col through the double glazing of the immense conservatory. He paused, fork midway to his mouth, whilst registering my presence in the garden. I acknowledged Mrs Lt-Col but she looked back blankly as if I was an escaped loonie, despite our previous conversations of a few months ago . The Lt-Col jumped to his feet and left the dining table, while the two invited guests turned around in their seats to look, obviously irritated by this uncalled for interruption to Sunday Lunch...by a tradesman?...Good Lord!
It was interesting to note that sectors remain of British society that still partake of The Sunday Lunch. My own memory of this venerable institution centre mainly on sitting alone with a bowl of "Eve's Pudding" after the rest of the table had been cleared. The specific instruction to leave a clean plate ensured a life long dislike of cooked apple desserts especially when flavoured with cloves...
14th October. Gastronomie Domestique.
As we issued forth from the newly opened B&Q Mega Plaza clutching curtain poles and other accoutrements of flat titivation, I made a suggestion. "Why don't we have a spot of brunch over the road, at Tesco, although, it would count as a meal out". It was nice for us to recapture the gastronomique side of our relationship now that we are back to normal here in the UK...
Isabelle was a trifle out of sorts being in the grip of the common cold virus. I climbed into the bath at 2E Cronton Place and began to scrape away at the failing bath trim. Then a fair amount of shouting interspersed with spells of a great calling on The Almighty came from the living room during the supposed emulsioning of the walls. "I need you to go to Boots for Lemsip Max, I'm getting worse by the minute!" I readily agreed as medication seemed the most appropriate response to this particular crisis...
Isabelle was a trifle out of sorts being in the grip of the common cold virus. I climbed into the bath at 2E Cronton Place and began to scrape away at the failing bath trim. Then a fair amount of shouting interspersed with spells of a great calling on The Almighty came from the living room during the supposed emulsioning of the walls. "I need you to go to Boots for Lemsip Max, I'm getting worse by the minute!" I readily agreed as medication seemed the most appropriate response to this particular crisis...
13th October. Friday The Thirteenth.
Last week, taking the lift up to Isabelle's dad's flat on the 16th floor, each number on the display lights up; 11,12,14,15,16? Do residents with an address on the "14th" floor really believe they are safer because of this numerical sleight of hand? Mind you, the Mad Axe-man can't see you either, provided you keep your head under the duvet...
I had a premonition that something untoward might happen today involving ladders, so, stayed in bed all day; no, no, that's a lie. An excellent day for falling asleep though, primarily at the wheel, given the current physiological condition, a consequence of transmeridian travel. Desynchronosis, dysrhythmia, dyschrony, jet lag, or jet syndrome, the condition is generally believed to be the result of disruption of.......... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................
I had a premonition that something untoward might happen today involving ladders, so, stayed in bed all day; no, no, that's a lie. An excellent day for falling asleep though, primarily at the wheel, given the current physiological condition, a consequence of transmeridian travel. Desynchronosis, dysrhythmia, dyschrony, jet lag, or jet syndrome, the condition is generally believed to be the result of disruption of.......... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................
12th October. Past-Life Experience.
You know, once I'd finally got out of bed, had a cup of tea, manhandled the shocking pink suitcases out of the van, gone to buy peanuts for the birds, put the ladders on the roof rack, hitched up the trailer, collected all the necessary tools together, microwaved the porridge, made my sandwiches, put a washing on, it would have been nice to call it a day...
Of course Mrs R.S. would be waiting at the living room window, as today was finally the day that "the man would be there to make a start" removing one stove, fitting another, climbing about on the roof and generally making a mess . The nature of the work does involve some creation of rubble, which is only normal.
As the room filled with dust, knowing what to do came easily, almost without thinking, as if I'd done this exact same job in a past life... However the physical experience proved quite different as if I was in the wrong body. This is because my real job is eating out at reataurants.
Mrs R.S. presented me with a Polish sausage at 4.30pm to take home, which was apparently surplus. By coincidence Polish was the one restaurant we were supposed to visit but didn't, in Montreal.
Of course Mrs R.S. would be waiting at the living room window, as today was finally the day that "the man would be there to make a start" removing one stove, fitting another, climbing about on the roof and generally making a mess . The nature of the work does involve some creation of rubble, which is only normal.
As the room filled with dust, knowing what to do came easily, almost without thinking, as if I'd done this exact same job in a past life... However the physical experience proved quite different as if I was in the wrong body. This is because my real job is eating out at reataurants.
Mrs R.S. presented me with a Polish sausage at 4.30pm to take home, which was apparently surplus. By coincidence Polish was the one restaurant we were supposed to visit but didn't, in Montreal.
11th October. I.D.
4.30 a.m. in limbo at Gatwick for several early hours. Isabelle dozes on two chairs. I find myself vulnerable to the odd negative thought or two concerning re-entry to ...what? A reality of my choice?
I remarked yesterday or was it today? before taking the flight from Canada, that my identity has been wiped clean. Like the information strip on a weekly pass for the Montreal Metro that's been left beside a powerful magnet.
I have become someone who just eats out a lot at restaurants...and doesn't drive. Now I can become someone who drives everyday and shops. At Tesco... or Asda... or Morrisons? We can all choose our own realities, you know...
I remarked yesterday or was it today? before taking the flight from Canada, that my identity has been wiped clean. Like the information strip on a weekly pass for the Montreal Metro that's been left beside a powerful magnet.
I have become someone who just eats out a lot at restaurants...and doesn't drive. Now I can become someone who drives everyday and shops. At Tesco... or Asda... or Morrisons? We can all choose our own realities, you know...
10th October. Vacances Gastronomiques-La Grande Finale.
Sushi "Wakaname" was the allotted venue for our final 'repast'. A lithe oriental woman poured out Asahi japanese beer as Brother-in-law Ayk, well versed in these delicacies, ticked all the boxes on the multiple choice menu. Saki, no doubt at the correct temperature, was dispensed to the diners, which engendered a certain warmth to the anticipation ...
The Japanese tea cups, Saki receptacles and beer bottles made way for what looked like a scale model of a Viking long boat crewed by ranks of carefully arranged and freshly made Sushis. Flying Fish caviar the colour of Holly berries, raw eel, tuna, salmon with strawberries, and probably sea urchin, since it was somewhere on the menu...
Not knowing what you're eating can be useful in masking any native prejudice against a complete experience of taste and texture. Isabelle said of me "that a few years ago, I would have simply refused to go to any kind of Sushi restaurant". But now in this new era of detente, the motto has to be "Moins rigide, plus heureux!" - (Less rigid, more happy!)
The Japanese tea cups, Saki receptacles and beer bottles made way for what looked like a scale model of a Viking long boat crewed by ranks of carefully arranged and freshly made Sushis. Flying Fish caviar the colour of Holly berries, raw eel, tuna, salmon with strawberries, and probably sea urchin, since it was somewhere on the menu...
Not knowing what you're eating can be useful in masking any native prejudice against a complete experience of taste and texture. Isabelle said of me "that a few years ago, I would have simply refused to go to any kind of Sushi restaurant". But now in this new era of detente, the motto has to be "Moins rigide, plus heureux!" - (Less rigid, more happy!)
9th October. The Biggest Hole in The World.
Our first stop in the town of Asbestos was the graveyard, to pay our respects to Isabelle's Grandfather. He lies just a few hundred yards from the edge of The Hole and in the shadow of the now silent processing plant. Grandfather's birth coincided with the year of the opening of the mine and his death in 2002, curiously, with it's closure.
Despite the continual blanketing of the town in Asbestos fibre, referred to as "summer snow", which Grandad routinely had to clear out of the gutters, he survived quite healthily to the age of 92 without any apparent sign of lung disease. I noticed that he shared this longevity with both his parents and his siblings. The family Jewellery business continued until the shop, along with half of the town, fell into the ever expanding hole in the early 70's.
After taking Isabelle's Grandmother for Sunday lunch at the "Restaurant Gryzou" I was excited to finally view The Big Hole... The Hole certainly is vast, at a guess two miles across with circular tiers something like Dante's vision. Up till recently trucks the size of houses wound their way up and down, lost in the scale of the enterprise. At that time the hole was so deep the bottom couldn't be seen but now a green coloured lake has formed.
The town no longer advertises its links to the mineral the world no longer wants and has had to adjust to a falling population. Recently the community has been toying with the idea of a change of name from what currently may as well be Mesothelioma-ville...
Despite the continual blanketing of the town in Asbestos fibre, referred to as "summer snow", which Grandad routinely had to clear out of the gutters, he survived quite healthily to the age of 92 without any apparent sign of lung disease. I noticed that he shared this longevity with both his parents and his siblings. The family Jewellery business continued until the shop, along with half of the town, fell into the ever expanding hole in the early 70's.
After taking Isabelle's Grandmother for Sunday lunch at the "Restaurant Gryzou" I was excited to finally view The Big Hole... The Hole certainly is vast, at a guess two miles across with circular tiers something like Dante's vision. Up till recently trucks the size of houses wound their way up and down, lost in the scale of the enterprise. At that time the hole was so deep the bottom couldn't be seen but now a green coloured lake has formed.
The town no longer advertises its links to the mineral the world no longer wants and has had to adjust to a falling population. Recently the community has been toying with the idea of a change of name from what currently may as well be Mesothelioma-ville...
8th October. Lost...
The queue of people at the entrance to the Jardin Botanique stretched quite a distance. The warmth of the sun lingered, radiating from the stone of the west side of the ticket kiosk. Once through the turnstile we made our way along with several thousand other Montrealers towards the Japanese Gardens. Here the traffic slowed to a single file as we shuffled along guided by the light of numerous hanging chinese lanterns. This led us to brightly lit forms: exotic birds, colours reflected in the blackness of the lake, warriors rowing in a chinese version of the Oxford Cambridge Boat Race.
Inside a crowded Pagoda strains of a haunting melody flowed from one corner. I edged forwards toward the sound which came from one of those bowed affairs that look rather like a joke instrument. A quite beautiful chinese woman, clearly very accomplished, swayed with the music... The overall effect was quite captivating...
I realised I was lost in more ways than one as the tide of people carried me back outside into the dark. There was no sign of any other family members amongst the sea of chinese lantern viewers...
In the absence of any "phone cellulaire" I decided to just go with the flow as the mainstream would carry me back to the park entrance. Logic dictated that this was the most visible spot on the island and it would only be a matter of time before I was picked up by a search party.
Inside a crowded Pagoda strains of a haunting melody flowed from one corner. I edged forwards toward the sound which came from one of those bowed affairs that look rather like a joke instrument. A quite beautiful chinese woman, clearly very accomplished, swayed with the music... The overall effect was quite captivating...
I realised I was lost in more ways than one as the tide of people carried me back outside into the dark. There was no sign of any other family members amongst the sea of chinese lantern viewers...
In the absence of any "phone cellulaire" I decided to just go with the flow as the mainstream would carry me back to the park entrance. Logic dictated that this was the most visible spot on the island and it would only be a matter of time before I was picked up by a search party.
7th October. Harvard Pre-Conception Mis-Conception.
Part of our accomodation difficulties in Boston could be ascribed to a slight misconception on the part of Isabelle. The fact that Harvard has been described as the American version of Cambridge was perhaps the one fact known she was aware of. The city fathers had gone as far as to actively encourage this belief by renaming that part of the town as Cambridge, that is Cambridge Massachusetts...
As Isabelle had spent several years in Cambridge, England, she fondly imagined a similarly quaint setting. As the skyline of downtown Boston appeared above six or eight lanes of traffic I nudged her awake on the bus to draw her attention to this fact. "Look! There's Boston now". Her astonishment was understandable when she beheld a sight roughly equivalent to Manhattan Island.
How different her perception might have been as last night, safely back in Montreal, we viewed the latest work of Martin Scorcese "The Departed"... A tale of police corruption and internecine Irish Italian gangland violence set against the gritty urban backdrop of... Boston, Massachusetts.
As Isabelle had spent several years in Cambridge, England, she fondly imagined a similarly quaint setting. As the skyline of downtown Boston appeared above six or eight lanes of traffic I nudged her awake on the bus to draw her attention to this fact. "Look! There's Boston now". Her astonishment was understandable when she beheld a sight roughly equivalent to Manhattan Island.
How different her perception might have been as last night, safely back in Montreal, we viewed the latest work of Martin Scorcese "The Departed"... A tale of police corruption and internecine Irish Italian gangland violence set against the gritty urban backdrop of... Boston, Massachusetts.
6th October.It must be this way, (otherwise I'd be wrong).
I'd got the direction right, it was just that the City of Boston had been rotated around in a perfect mapping of 180 degrees. Possibly something mentally reversed on the way up the escalator from Copley Square Station. Isabelle expressed strong doubts as to the direction we were taking, but we carried on walking in the cold wind, me clutching the tourist map, to the next block, and then the next...
Isabelle threatened: "If the next street isn't Newbury, I'll hit you"! The next street transpired to be Columbus, Isabelle took the matter up with some fellow pedestrians then heeled around abruptly. I was left on the pavement shouting "Come back! Look at the map"!...
I stood squinting at the map under the pale light of the Victorian-style lighting, then continued on self-righteously...
After walking for another couple of blocks I fumbled for my reading glasses under another dim street light. An elderly passer-by offered his assistance: "...Beacon Street?... err... oh yes... Beacon...ah! that's the other way...yes...yes, about fifteen minutes walk...last street before the Charles River...you're walking in the wrong direction"...
Reluctantly I had to accept this new city plan and retrace my steps...
Isabelle threatened: "If the next street isn't Newbury, I'll hit you"! The next street transpired to be Columbus, Isabelle took the matter up with some fellow pedestrians then heeled around abruptly. I was left on the pavement shouting "Come back! Look at the map"!...
I stood squinting at the map under the pale light of the Victorian-style lighting, then continued on self-righteously...
After walking for another couple of blocks I fumbled for my reading glasses under another dim street light. An elderly passer-by offered his assistance: "...Beacon Street?... err... oh yes... Beacon...ah! that's the other way...yes...yes, about fifteen minutes walk...last street before the Charles River...you're walking in the wrong direction"...
Reluctantly I had to accept this new city plan and retrace my steps...
5th October."I'll Always Think About That Squirrel".
Our tour around the hallowed grounds of Harvard University was halted when Isabelle chanced upon a young squirrel suffering from what appeared to be a learning difficulty. I doubt if it was simply a case of food shortage as the grass was carpeted with fallen acorns, which surely must form its principal diet...
I shirked any involvement, idling on a nearby bench. A squad of priviledged undergraduates rowed past on the river, as Isabelle, oblivious, tarried with the unfortunate creature, I could imagine no hasty conclusion to this episode.
Soon a small crowd gathered, and things took a lucky turn, a passing female cyclist knew of some local facility. So, hurriedly emptying out some recently purchased items, Isabelle pressed the woman to transport the hapless rodent forthwith in a carrier bag. Afterwards remarking to me: "He's so cute people are bound to do something for him".
I shirked any involvement, idling on a nearby bench. A squad of priviledged undergraduates rowed past on the river, as Isabelle, oblivious, tarried with the unfortunate creature, I could imagine no hasty conclusion to this episode.
Soon a small crowd gathered, and things took a lucky turn, a passing female cyclist knew of some local facility. So, hurriedly emptying out some recently purchased items, Isabelle pressed the woman to transport the hapless rodent forthwith in a carrier bag. Afterwards remarking to me: "He's so cute people are bound to do something for him".
4th October. "Boston's Best Slept Secret".
After a four hour hike through the varying Downtown landscape of the financial, the high couture, and select seafood bars, the evidence began to mount...
The idea that accomodation existed in Boston for under $400 U.S. a night was begining to look like a complete fantasy. As darkness fell I was getting a little frayed, and in the balmy night air was all for lying down on the nearest park bench and taking our chances with any would-be muggers. It was either that or taking the next bus back to Montreal.
Boston seems to have more hotels with uniformed doormen per square mile than most, and even these were full. Another doorman did his duty as Isabelle entered another splendid hotel. I hung around outside. Half an hour later she emerged triumphant, clutching a reservation in what had proved, up until then, highly elusive: a guest house.
After giving thanks for our final arrival at the Beacon Street Guest House, the reason for its low profile became clearer. It's "sign", just under the doorbell, measured roughly four inches by three, and was only readable,in my case especially, from a distance of about a twelve inches. This is to comply with some local historic preservation order of No Signs.
The souveneir mugs on sale at reception proclaim "Boston's Best Slept Secret". Exactement!
The idea that accomodation existed in Boston for under $400 U.S. a night was begining to look like a complete fantasy. As darkness fell I was getting a little frayed, and in the balmy night air was all for lying down on the nearest park bench and taking our chances with any would-be muggers. It was either that or taking the next bus back to Montreal.
Boston seems to have more hotels with uniformed doormen per square mile than most, and even these were full. Another doorman did his duty as Isabelle entered another splendid hotel. I hung around outside. Half an hour later she emerged triumphant, clutching a reservation in what had proved, up until then, highly elusive: a guest house.
After giving thanks for our final arrival at the Beacon Street Guest House, the reason for its low profile became clearer. It's "sign", just under the doorbell, measured roughly four inches by three, and was only readable,in my case especially, from a distance of about a twelve inches. This is to comply with some local historic preservation order of No Signs.
The souveneir mugs on sale at reception proclaim "Boston's Best Slept Secret". Exactement!
3rd October. A Birthday Treat.
It was my birthday and we arrived in good time at the all inclusive chinese buffet, as the task of eating anything up to one hundred and fifty different dishes required careful pacing. These ranged in texture from the brittleness of crab's legs, through the crispiness of fried chicken wings, to the more mysterious and gelatinous end of the spectrum.
At some point the interest for any type of chinese food receded. We moved slowly out onto the pavement, then having bid farewell, the other family members dispersed into the dark underbelly of chinatown...
As a continuance of the treat theme, Isabelle had given some prior thought to our proposed visit to "The Kingdom", a recently opened venue for "Danse Contacte" also known as Lap-dancing. We made our way up the brightly lit stairwell as the volume of some power ballad or other increased in volume with each step. Isabelle assured me that it was quite normal for married couples to frequent such dimly-lit venues...
We settled ourselves in the practically deserted club after paying for two mandatory overly priced lagers. However this dearth of customers did mean that each successive performer effectively gave a private dance for us.
At some point the interest for any type of chinese food receded. We moved slowly out onto the pavement, then having bid farewell, the other family members dispersed into the dark underbelly of chinatown...
As a continuance of the treat theme, Isabelle had given some prior thought to our proposed visit to "The Kingdom", a recently opened venue for "Danse Contacte" also known as Lap-dancing. We made our way up the brightly lit stairwell as the volume of some power ballad or other increased in volume with each step. Isabelle assured me that it was quite normal for married couples to frequent such dimly-lit venues...
We settled ourselves in the practically deserted club after paying for two mandatory overly priced lagers. However this dearth of customers did mean that each successive performer effectively gave a private dance for us.
2nd October. Concrete Sandwich.
Tonight was our first trip out to a restaurant in Montreal since the collapse of a fifteen metre section of flyover last weekend. Five dead underneath the former roadway and six injured on the top. The official line is that all the bridges had been recently inspected and the bit that fell was A1, in fact it should have been another part of the same bridge that collapsed!
En route to "La Stanza" an all-you-can-eat style buffet I found myself becoming slightly nervous as we emerged onto an expressway that passed under numerous bridges. Some had steel girders, that was ok, and some where quite recent, but others were characteristic of the era that coincided with the Expo' in '67 when a whole network of roads was called for, overnight...
Isabelle's dad claims that the Mafia had something to do with the handing out of contracts and that the construction companies skimped on the concrete.
Tonight there is a certain amount of additional traffic chaos due to suspicion falling on other bridges which has caused more than just the missing road to close.
The cars ahead grind to a halt and by chance we find ourselves directly under a concrete flyover. It's an opportunity to survey the structure overhead through the back window, are there any cracks? Yes.
En route to "La Stanza" an all-you-can-eat style buffet I found myself becoming slightly nervous as we emerged onto an expressway that passed under numerous bridges. Some had steel girders, that was ok, and some where quite recent, but others were characteristic of the era that coincided with the Expo' in '67 when a whole network of roads was called for, overnight...
Isabelle's dad claims that the Mafia had something to do with the handing out of contracts and that the construction companies skimped on the concrete.
Tonight there is a certain amount of additional traffic chaos due to suspicion falling on other bridges which has caused more than just the missing road to close.
The cars ahead grind to a halt and by chance we find ourselves directly under a concrete flyover. It's an opportunity to survey the structure overhead through the back window, are there any cracks? Yes.
1st October. Four Courses in Another Language.
Leafing through the Re-max property guide Isabelle tells me that a four-bedroom house along with 50 acres can be had for a not unreasonable sum in the environs of Sherbrooke. It's doubtful though that this means she is actively considering re-establishing a base in this neck of the woods. Rather it could be symptomatic of a re-aquaintance, a re-appraisal, a re-absorption, or even a re-incorporation of a once abandoned childhood and adolescence...
As I munched through last nights gourmet meal, ordered on-line, I was party to a long animated conversation between the three former classmates of College Mont Notre-Dame. This could have played a major role in any new resolution, but I couldn't say with any degree of certainty as the repartee was rendered in such an accent as to be not recognizable as french, let alone understandable.
As I munched through last nights gourmet meal, ordered on-line, I was party to a long animated conversation between the three former classmates of College Mont Notre-Dame. This could have played a major role in any new resolution, but I couldn't say with any degree of certainty as the repartee was rendered in such an accent as to be not recognizable as french, let alone understandable.
30th September. Hot-Housed in Sherbrooke.
"It's kind of weird being here, sometimes I feel like I'm six, sometimes I'm ten, sometimes sixteen", Isabelle said to me this morning as our host Claudine rowed up and down the lake with the rest of the towns rowing club...
"There must have been something good about it"?
"No"
Isabelle was hot-housed in the dramatic arts, multi-disciplined sports and science: downhill and cross country skiing, snowshoeing, skating, violin, piano, ballet, knitting, macrame, pottery, singing, drama, oil painting, swimming, basketball, advanced physics, private mathematics tutor...
"They must have thought you were going to be Prime Minister of Canada?"
"It was all geared for success."
"That must have made failure all the more puzzling?"
"What I like to do most is to lie down and do nothing".
"There must have been something good about it"?
"No"
Isabelle was hot-housed in the dramatic arts, multi-disciplined sports and science: downhill and cross country skiing, snowshoeing, skating, violin, piano, ballet, knitting, macrame, pottery, singing, drama, oil painting, swimming, basketball, advanced physics, private mathematics tutor...
"They must have thought you were going to be Prime Minister of Canada?"
"It was all geared for success."
"That must have made failure all the more puzzling?"
"What I like to do most is to lie down and do nothing".
29th September. Arrival in Sherbrooke.
"Does it have a centre"? I enquired of the town, as the wipers of the Express bus swung incessantly to and fro. Later, whilst taking refuge in the shelter of Dunkin' Donuts, Isabelle remarked that the place "hadn't changed a bit" in the intervening two decades since her departure.
We carried on our tour of Isabelle's life up to the age of nineteen despite the continuing heavy rain. "It's maybe not the best day to see it"... I ventured.
Privately I was regretting leaving my jersey at the bus station with the rest of the stuff, but at the same time I was gaining valuable insight into the motivations behind Isabelle's desire to leave her home town.
We carried on our tour of Isabelle's life up to the age of nineteen despite the continuing heavy rain. "It's maybe not the best day to see it"... I ventured.
Privately I was regretting leaving my jersey at the bus station with the rest of the stuff, but at the same time I was gaining valuable insight into the motivations behind Isabelle's desire to leave her home town.
28th September. Quebec, Where Summer Never Ends?
Whiled away the best part of a morning in "Canadian Tire", a unique shopping experience: Ice Hockey sticks, hummingbird feeders, insulated wellies and a vast range of BBQ equipment...
The need for insulated wellies could be much reduced this year according to the latest news. Today's headlines proclaim that the remaining Polar Bears in the north of Quebec don't have any ice left to stand on.
At the present rate of warming the entire Arctic Ocean should be ice and presumably bear free, one would imagine, during the summer of 2015.
The need for insulated wellies could be much reduced this year according to the latest news. Today's headlines proclaim that the remaining Polar Bears in the north of Quebec don't have any ice left to stand on.
At the present rate of warming the entire Arctic Ocean should be ice and presumably bear free, one would imagine, during the summer of 2015.
27th September. Vacances Gastronomiques D'Urgence.
We'd scarcely gone a mile on the number 140 bus this bright and sunny morning when my attention was suddenly diverted from reading...
Isabelle, who was already out of her seat, announced an immediate need "to eat", due to Hypoglycemia or some such affliction. Luckily we had just that minute passed a Vietnamese restaurant at the last bus stop just a short walk away.
"I simply cannot eat sugar in the mornings" she hypothesised,
"You mean that sherbet you had for breakfast"? I asked as we were guided directly to an empty table.
"I really don't think I'm exercising enough" she mused whilst making short work of the "Plat du Jour".
Isabelle, who was already out of her seat, announced an immediate need "to eat", due to Hypoglycemia or some such affliction. Luckily we had just that minute passed a Vietnamese restaurant at the last bus stop just a short walk away.
"I simply cannot eat sugar in the mornings" she hypothesised,
"You mean that sherbet you had for breakfast"? I asked as we were guided directly to an empty table.
"I really don't think I'm exercising enough" she mused whilst making short work of the "Plat du Jour".
26th September. Vacances Gastronomique Locale.
This evening Isabelle telephoned an order to "Mikes" in a semi-realistic attempt to recreate something of childhood treats eating "Poutine Italienne" in front of Commercial Television. "Mikes" specialises in sundry variants of Quebec's favourite fast-food. The basic form, consisting of chips covered with a layer of half-melted rubbery cheese something akin to Mozarrella, and BBQ sauce is known as "Poutine". "Poutine Italienne" replaces the BBQ sauce with a layer of Bolognese sauce, giving rise to its Latino label.
Although Quebec has become more health conscious of late, perhaps, not surprisingly, a high incidence of strokes and heart disease still persists...
Although Quebec has become more health conscious of late, perhaps, not surprisingly, a high incidence of strokes and heart disease still persists...
25th September. The Life of Great Uncle Percy.
In actual fact the Gendreau property is half in Canada and half in the United States. As this was a little on the impractical side the authorities politely moved the border for the sake of administration and taxes to the river separating the Gendreaus from the Robinsons. Who incidentally are either side of that other great barrier; language.
Great Uncle Percy, now Ninety years old, exploited this geographical anomaly for a while during the 1950`s. In addition to dairy farming Percy was engaged in a cross border smuggling operation involving his neighbour Mr Robinson, a horse and cart and a considerable number of cigarettes.
This practice continued until Great Uncle Percy was denounced to the authorities by an informer. The resulting court case in Montreal ended with a $300 fine and imprisonment. However as a result of a bowel constriction whilst in custody which required immediate hospitalisation, Great Uncle Percy only actually served one night of his sentence...
Great Uncle Percy, now Ninety years old, exploited this geographical anomaly for a while during the 1950`s. In addition to dairy farming Percy was engaged in a cross border smuggling operation involving his neighbour Mr Robinson, a horse and cart and a considerable number of cigarettes.
This practice continued until Great Uncle Percy was denounced to the authorities by an informer. The resulting court case in Montreal ended with a $300 fine and imprisonment. However as a result of a bowel constriction whilst in custody which required immediate hospitalisation, Great Uncle Percy only actually served one night of his sentence...
24th September. This Was a Modern World.
Isabelle had me up early inflating ballons for the celebration of her Grandmothers 92nd birthday. Grandmother is being escorted back here to her childhood home that she first escaped from sometime in the 1930`s. On that particular occasion she was deported back over the border from the U.S. for working without a work permit.
Later she again contrived a move to a more urban setting, her wedding day coinciding with the dropping of the first Atom Bomb. And so began a modern life with every domestic convenience far from the mud and the herd of milking cows...
Later she again contrived a move to a more urban setting, her wedding day coinciding with the dropping of the first Atom Bomb. And so began a modern life with every domestic convenience far from the mud and the herd of milking cows...
23rd September. The House of The Phantoms.
`If I had a million dollars I would buy the house from my cousin` confided Isabelles mother. The farmhouse in question, now a holiday let, was built about 130 years ago by Isabelles Great-Great-Grandfather, Napoleon Gendreau. The house is essentially in the middle of nowhere, on the border with the U.S.
Personally I spent a night untroubled by any supernatural happenings apart from the usual mysterious disappearance of the duvet by first light. The story goes that Isabelles Grandmother as a young person was witness to the woman down the road paying a visit to tuck her in at night. Needless to say the woman down the road had just shuffled off this mortal coil a few days previously...
Then there was also the tragic accident of Isabelles Great Aunt Alfeda who slipped on some ice incurring a head injury in the days before CAT Scans. After being carted back into the house she died shortly after, silently screaming, aged only sixteen...
Luckily, for us, some holidaying healers recently invited any remaining restless spirits to vacate the premises `tout de suite`.
Personally I spent a night untroubled by any supernatural happenings apart from the usual mysterious disappearance of the duvet by first light. The story goes that Isabelles Grandmother as a young person was witness to the woman down the road paying a visit to tuck her in at night. Needless to say the woman down the road had just shuffled off this mortal coil a few days previously...
Then there was also the tragic accident of Isabelles Great Aunt Alfeda who slipped on some ice incurring a head injury in the days before CAT Scans. After being carted back into the house she died shortly after, silently screaming, aged only sixteen...
Luckily, for us, some holidaying healers recently invited any remaining restless spirits to vacate the premises `tout de suite`.
22nd September. Vacances Gastronomiques II.
This evening we were driven to what was described as a Rustic Eatery. Everything was certainly rustic, apart from the bottom line of $700 and something, admittedly though for 10 people...
Still I got to eat part of an Octopus, squid bits and a rabbit in semolina both of which went down a treat along with innumerable side dishes and several bottles of a particularly fine red.
Had an interesting conversation with a Tunisian chap now resident in Canada. I said what was it like when you first ate bacon, did you think something terrible would happen. Apparently not. Many people see the world differently once they ve tasted freedom or was it unsmoked rindless back...
Still I got to eat part of an Octopus, squid bits and a rabbit in semolina both of which went down a treat along with innumerable side dishes and several bottles of a particularly fine red.
Had an interesting conversation with a Tunisian chap now resident in Canada. I said what was it like when you first ate bacon, did you think something terrible would happen. Apparently not. Many people see the world differently once they ve tasted freedom or was it unsmoked rindless back...
21st September. Vacances Gastronomiques Continuees
Rendez-vous'd with Isabelles sister and dad at Juste Nouilles (Just Noodles). Cantonese, Sechuanese, Thai, Vietnamese. you name it, but the chef is Canadian. I just had what K. had for the sake of argument. K's choice turned out to be a bit on the spicey side but tasty enough. Nowadays i've got a reasonable handle on the use of chopsticks, which is one less source of potential embarrassment as far as table etiquette goes...
The major side-effect of chilli of course is the tendency for increased activity in the nasal passages, which can be problematic, especially for anyone, such as I, who suffers from that uncommon affliction of napkin phobia..
Another possible breech of accepted behaviour one has to guard against can occur whilst spooning up chilli-laced noodle liquid with those porcelain spoons normally provided.
Any slight inhalation of the chilli can have an effect that can only be described as catastrophic for any diners in the immediate vicinity. Isabelles dad had pointed out the chilli itself early on "Don't eat that, its a chilli!" however I was already wise to that one , I must admit.
It seemed as if embarrassment had almost been circumvented having made it back out onto the pavement. Apart from having first paid for only one bowl instead of four and forgetting to tip 15%, but this was really a private concern...
Then Isabelle, rather abruptly I thought, requested my return inside to the toilets.
The combination of Chilli, tomato, noodles and liquid had, despite due care and attention, left its indelible mark on most of my face...
The major side-effect of chilli of course is the tendency for increased activity in the nasal passages, which can be problematic, especially for anyone, such as I, who suffers from that uncommon affliction of napkin phobia..
Another possible breech of accepted behaviour one has to guard against can occur whilst spooning up chilli-laced noodle liquid with those porcelain spoons normally provided.
Any slight inhalation of the chilli can have an effect that can only be described as catastrophic for any diners in the immediate vicinity. Isabelles dad had pointed out the chilli itself early on "Don't eat that, its a chilli!" however I was already wise to that one , I must admit.
It seemed as if embarrassment had almost been circumvented having made it back out onto the pavement. Apart from having first paid for only one bowl instead of four and forgetting to tip 15%, but this was really a private concern...
Then Isabelle, rather abruptly I thought, requested my return inside to the toilets.
The combination of Chilli, tomato, noodles and liquid had, despite due care and attention, left its indelible mark on most of my face...
20th September. Old Montreal, New France.
Nothing better to do than lie on the grass and stare up at the sky...
Quickly succumbing to the effects of jet lag.
Mind you this is a different piece of sky to look up at here, just where a stream of countless immigrants disembarked down the gang plank and gave thanks to the Lord for deliverance to their very own promised land...
Yes, after the extinction of the European Beaver the discovery of more Beavers to trap in Canada was timely. So they did a roaring trade until, despite the vastness of the hinterland, supplies of Beavers started to dwindle, once again.
Today there is little evidence of anything commercial concerning Beavers. Quite what everyone does for a living nowadays in Montreal, remains something of a mystery, but I suspect mainly mouse clicking...
Quickly succumbing to the effects of jet lag.
Mind you this is a different piece of sky to look up at here, just where a stream of countless immigrants disembarked down the gang plank and gave thanks to the Lord for deliverance to their very own promised land...
Yes, after the extinction of the European Beaver the discovery of more Beavers to trap in Canada was timely. So they did a roaring trade until, despite the vastness of the hinterland, supplies of Beavers started to dwindle, once again.
Today there is little evidence of anything commercial concerning Beavers. Quite what everyone does for a living nowadays in Montreal, remains something of a mystery, but I suspect mainly mouse clicking...
19th September. Schwartz's Original World famous Smoked Meat.
Directions from passers-by as to the whereabouts of the famous Hebrew Delicatessen pointed out that there would be a line outside. Sure enough the queue stretched along the pavement in front of apparently less popular restaurants. Curiousity grew as to what exactly the attraction could be once one was admitted into the fairly run down shop, established 1928. The only clue was the various pieces of meat and sausages hanging up in the front window. Eventually entry was gained into the packed shop which seemed little changed from the 1940's probably due to the constant demand and late opening hours.
We just had what everyone else was having ie "Smoked Meat" fries and Cherry Coke. The "meat" in question is actually beef but looks like ham. Calorific value is high and not recommended as any part of a weight loss programme, also vegetarian options are limited. The Place mats detail a list of famous people who have visited the shop, Burt Lancaster among them but not Madonna. I couldn't see Madonna and Smoked Meat going together...
We just had what everyone else was having ie "Smoked Meat" fries and Cherry Coke. The "meat" in question is actually beef but looks like ham. Calorific value is high and not recommended as any part of a weight loss programme, also vegetarian options are limited. The Place mats detail a list of famous people who have visited the shop, Burt Lancaster among them but not Madonna. I couldn't see Madonna and Smoked Meat going together...
18th September. Kilimanjaro! You're Kidding.
Woke up at 6am local time, which is technically about the middle of the day for us.
Came down to find Isabelle in front of local TV and her mother kitted out in shorts and trainers about to go out running...
This is all part of the training program for a forthcoming fund raising ascent of the roof of Africa, in about five weeks. I took the opportunity of accompanying her along the banks of the St Lawrence. Isabelle is pleased for her but possibly a little amazed at this latest announcement...
Isabelles mother seems to have contracted a more virulent strain of the "Activia" virus to myself affecting thoughts of impending age and senility.
Came down to find Isabelle in front of local TV and her mother kitted out in shorts and trainers about to go out running...
This is all part of the training program for a forthcoming fund raising ascent of the roof of Africa, in about five weeks. I took the opportunity of accompanying her along the banks of the St Lawrence. Isabelle is pleased for her but possibly a little amazed at this latest announcement...
Isabelles mother seems to have contracted a more virulent strain of the "Activia" virus to myself affecting thoughts of impending age and senility.
17th September. Montreal Restaurants Revisited.
Last night on our arrival in the cosmopolitan metropolis, we were treated to the first of many meals out, at a local Lebanese restaurant courtesy of Isabelles Brother-in-law, Ayk. The word was that people seemed to be quietly impressed with my new found affability and increased willingness to try new foods including raw mince.
This bears a marked contrsst to the debacle of a few years ago at a Swiss fondue restaurant, when I must admit that boredom appeared to have got the better of me. After attempting to set fire to a cork with the fondue burning apparatus, Isabelles mother was caused to remark privately that my behaviour was "Like a five year old"...
This bears a marked contrsst to the debacle of a few years ago at a Swiss fondue restaurant, when I must admit that boredom appeared to have got the better of me. After attempting to set fire to a cork with the fondue burning apparatus, Isabelles mother was caused to remark privately that my behaviour was "Like a five year old"...
16th September. New Baggage Allowances..
Isabelle has recently purchased all new suitcases in a shocking pink. This makes for an easy identification on the carousel. However i must admit to a certain embarrassment whilst pulling them off onto the trolley, especially when she had gone on ahead.
As far as the new baggage allowances goes i think passengers should be weighed together with their suitcases. For instance a fellow female passenger who tips the scales with an additional weight in excess of 40 kg should have an allowance of precisely 0 kgs. either that or my limit can be doubled, because weight is weight as far as take-off is concerned.
Regarding the new airport security measures including having your trainers x-rayed and not carrying any make up; well in the future, travellers will be subject to a much more stringent regime. They will be forced to strip and given a full body search. Their passport number will be tattoed on the inside of the forearm after showering and de-lousing of their shaven heads. Their clothes will be left outside the showers and will follow "ahead" with the hold baggage, a band will play during the proceedings...
As far as the new baggage allowances goes i think passengers should be weighed together with their suitcases. For instance a fellow female passenger who tips the scales with an additional weight in excess of 40 kg should have an allowance of precisely 0 kgs. either that or my limit can be doubled, because weight is weight as far as take-off is concerned.
Regarding the new airport security measures including having your trainers x-rayed and not carrying any make up; well in the future, travellers will be subject to a much more stringent regime. They will be forced to strip and given a full body search. Their passport number will be tattoed on the inside of the forearm after showering and de-lousing of their shaven heads. Their clothes will be left outside the showers and will follow "ahead" with the hold baggage, a band will play during the proceedings...
15th September. Flight from My Life
This time tomorrow we should be somewhere else. In a tiny little room under the flight path to Gatwick.
I find these interludes away from home completely strip me of my identity. Who am i ? certainly not Chimney Repair Man, To people like Mrs H, that's who i am. I must say that particular identity fits like an old pair of slippers, but feeling comfortable is a royal road to stagnation, so they say.
Its hard to imagine that on my deathbed I would think; i wish i'd lined a lot more chimneys when i had the chance. Chances are, what one would think in reality, would be on the lines of "I could have done something".
I wonder what that something means? Like discovering Penicillin or winning the Lottery? Discovering Penicillin is probably nearer the mark, and the Lottery probably wouldn't change anything from the last breath point of view..
I wish i'd been a more irritating bore doesn't ring true either...
I find these interludes away from home completely strip me of my identity. Who am i ? certainly not Chimney Repair Man, To people like Mrs H, that's who i am. I must say that particular identity fits like an old pair of slippers, but feeling comfortable is a royal road to stagnation, so they say.
Its hard to imagine that on my deathbed I would think; i wish i'd lined a lot more chimneys when i had the chance. Chances are, what one would think in reality, would be on the lines of "I could have done something".
I wonder what that something means? Like discovering Penicillin or winning the Lottery? Discovering Penicillin is probably nearer the mark, and the Lottery probably wouldn't change anything from the last breath point of view..
I wish i'd been a more irritating bore doesn't ring true either...
14th September. Mrs H and the Alpacas
Mrs H is going to be breeding Alpacas. The Alpaca is a bit like a Llama and comes from places such as Peru. Sort of like a small woolly Camel, and much favoured by the Incas and what have you as the basis of a long standing textile industry. I'm sure any package tour in the Andes involves "an opportunity" for shopping at an approved outlet for woven Alpaca products. Much like the ordeal of the Turkish carpet weaving shop. In Egypt it was the Government approved Papyrus shop, in Mexico it was the Mescal Factory, in Hong Kong it was the diamond cutting shop also Government approved,..
Which reminds me that we've got to go to Canada on Saturday. Trips to Montreal do not normally involve tour buses to retail outlets. This is a different type of deal/ordeal known as visiting the In-laws...
It's hot in summer and cold in winter. In the autumn presumably it can be hot and cold and at the same time? But with these new bagage allowances it's likely I'll only be taking what I can stand up in, as Isabelle has a very much longer list of essentials.
Which reminds me that we've got to go to Canada on Saturday. Trips to Montreal do not normally involve tour buses to retail outlets. This is a different type of deal/ordeal known as visiting the In-laws...
It's hot in summer and cold in winter. In the autumn presumably it can be hot and cold and at the same time? But with these new bagage allowances it's likely I'll only be taking what I can stand up in, as Isabelle has a very much longer list of essentials.
13th September. Accumulating Deposit.
Had the financial advisor round tonight. If only I'd invested one pound at 1% compound interest at the time of the Birth of Christ, I'd be ok for a pension fund then. That initial investment would now be worth the equivalent of two orbs of solid gold, each one the size of planet earth. As things stand, I've probably left it a bit late...
Those bats in Mrs H's attic provide an excellent illustration of good savings strategy. Each bat makes a small deposit every day and over time these stack up into a quite a pile, as my nostrils can testify.
Those bats in Mrs H's attic provide an excellent illustration of good savings strategy. Each bat makes a small deposit every day and over time these stack up into a quite a pile, as my nostrils can testify.
12th September. Bat City.
Emerging into Mrs H's attic my nostrils were assailed by a remarkable but familiar pungency. As I made my way on all fours trailing the lead light I came upon a red plastic card inscribed thus; THIS AREA IS USED BY BATS WHICH ARE PROTECTED BY LAW. if you intend to disturb the bats or their roost please phone SNH.
These flying mice could well disrupt the entire scheduling here at Mrs H's, if I'm not careful. Moving forward to the far end of the attic a huge pile of bat's mess was evident, the source of the noxious vapours. The creatures twittered and wittered between themselves, all crammed into a space above their handiwork of several years.
The question was; what exactly does it take to disturb a bat? if they can't "see" presumably electric light wouldn't matter, but what about a Kango Electric Hammer? i wasn't exactly near the bats but opted for the less obtrusive chiselling by hand into the brickwork. After about 30 secs or less, I decided they would just have to cope with the Kango hammer... Initially I expected the roof space to fill with disturbed bats out of hell, all flapping around, but nothing happened... The bats stayed put and just kept twittering.
These flying mice could well disrupt the entire scheduling here at Mrs H's, if I'm not careful. Moving forward to the far end of the attic a huge pile of bat's mess was evident, the source of the noxious vapours. The creatures twittered and wittered between themselves, all crammed into a space above their handiwork of several years.
The question was; what exactly does it take to disturb a bat? if they can't "see" presumably electric light wouldn't matter, but what about a Kango Electric Hammer? i wasn't exactly near the bats but opted for the less obtrusive chiselling by hand into the brickwork. After about 30 secs or less, I decided they would just have to cope with the Kango hammer... Initially I expected the roof space to fill with disturbed bats out of hell, all flapping around, but nothing happened... The bats stayed put and just kept twittering.
11th September. Mrs H's Blockage.
Here, err... we are falling asleep at the laptop after the extended BBQ interval. Today wasn't exactly a Hammock Day as I was completely taken up with rubble creation out near Lintrathen. The climax of the day was getting Mrs H's new chimney liner stuck halfway up the living room chimney. Tomorrow I'm looking forward to crawling around in a hot attic full of fibreglass to bash a hole in the wall and further wrestle with the unwilling tube... Yawn...
10th September. What The Hen Saw (and Heard).
It later transpired that during the entire Meat Roasting Spectacular, the "Missing Hen" had been there in the herbaceous border sitting on her eggs, forced to endure a rich pageant of sights, sounds and smells.
The Gin Ladies from next door and two or three other Die Hards stayed on to the bitter end around the fire at 3.15 am. So in effect the cooking, eating and drinking had been continuous for 23 hours. Stuart agreed to extinguish all 98 candles and suspended nightlights in the interest of Isabelle's peace of mind...
Despite my own misgivings about spiralling costs of items other than deer & beer, for instance huge outdoor candles, M&S chocolate desserts etc, there's no doubt this flickering night time constellation greatly added to the general ambience.
For the incubating hen, the highlight was probably either Hendrix's interpretation of "The Star Spangled Banner", or Eddie Van Halen's "Eruption".
The Gin Ladies from next door and two or three other Die Hards stayed on to the bitter end around the fire at 3.15 am. So in effect the cooking, eating and drinking had been continuous for 23 hours. Stuart agreed to extinguish all 98 candles and suspended nightlights in the interest of Isabelle's peace of mind...
Despite my own misgivings about spiralling costs of items other than deer & beer, for instance huge outdoor candles, M&S chocolate desserts etc, there's no doubt this flickering night time constellation greatly added to the general ambience.
For the incubating hen, the highlight was probably either Hendrix's interpretation of "The Star Spangled Banner", or Eddie Van Halen's "Eruption".
9th September. Red Meat Day Anxiety
A 4.30am alarm call soon saw me scrabbling about in the moonlight and mist down the bottom of the garden. Eventually I managed to coax the dew soaked firewood to burn. Now attention could be turned to lifting the oily deer onto the recently finished spit. Not that easy but a complete doddle compared to plastering it in dough. This kept stretching and great wads of it would fall off onto the drive and then become studded with chippings. Time was going on... "Its not working'! I blurted...
Isabelle came up with the idea of using aluminium foil so I rushed off and bought the entire stock at the local shop. Once the foil covered the whole beast the appearance was more of a space age cooking process or the treatment of a hypothermia victim.
Now this was real adventure cooking as there was some doubt as to whether it would ever get even remotely warm inside the foil. The guests could arrive with suitable appetites and witness the foil removed to reveal practically raw meat.
Needless to say this was another textbook case in the long running battle against overt pessimism; by 3pm the meat proved to be juicy, succulent and worthy of any praise heaped upon it.
Isabelle came up with the idea of using aluminium foil so I rushed off and bought the entire stock at the local shop. Once the foil covered the whole beast the appearance was more of a space age cooking process or the treatment of a hypothermia victim.
Now this was real adventure cooking as there was some doubt as to whether it would ever get even remotely warm inside the foil. The guests could arrive with suitable appetites and witness the foil removed to reveal practically raw meat.
Needless to say this was another textbook case in the long running battle against overt pessimism; by 3pm the meat proved to be juicy, succulent and worthy of any praise heaped upon it.
8th September. More Than
If it was just me, this BBQ thing would probably consist of simply deer and beer, and would have been advertised as such. There may not even have been any lettuce, perhaps mashed potatoes but that would have been it.
Now of course, over the last few days we've seen a gradual spiralling of costs because of all the other "extras", like 98 candles festooning the trees Isabelle tells me. I ask you? a fire hazard if anything. Then there's all the other fripperies and tripperies usually from M&S that no self-respecting BBQ can be without, such as whisky and double cream sauce, desserts, out of season fruits, things with chocolate in it. I'm surprised we haven't engaged a minor TV personality to declare that "This BBQ is now open"...
Now of course, over the last few days we've seen a gradual spiralling of costs because of all the other "extras", like 98 candles festooning the trees Isabelle tells me. I ask you? a fire hazard if anything. Then there's all the other fripperies and tripperies usually from M&S that no self-respecting BBQ can be without, such as whisky and double cream sauce, desserts, out of season fruits, things with chocolate in it. I'm surprised we haven't engaged a minor TV personality to declare that "This BBQ is now open"...
7th September. Game For a Laugh.
The aerobatic display for this Saturdays BBQ has suffered logistical problems. By coincidence our event conflicts with the other Air Show at RAF Leuchars, so there are tighter restrictions on the flying of aircraft that day, so Alistair tells me. And, due to childcare duties, a Primary 1. child would also have to have been strapped into the front seat of the requisite hire plane. This leaves the rotating animal plastered with flour and cider as the main focus, aside from the ale...
When I picked up the deer today I was greeted by a huge Pole about the size of a bear, who came staggering out of the game merchants clutching what looked like a gigantic skinned rabbit to his chest. "I think is a little large for you, no'?
"No, no that'll do fine". The bear realeased the huge rabbit-like carcass which flopped down in the trailer, then went back to work on something furry but nondescript hanging up inside, while I wrote out the cheque...
It's all coming together, and falling apart at the same time.
When I picked up the deer today I was greeted by a huge Pole about the size of a bear, who came staggering out of the game merchants clutching what looked like a gigantic skinned rabbit to his chest. "I think is a little large for you, no'?
"No, no that'll do fine". The bear realeased the huge rabbit-like carcass which flopped down in the trailer, then went back to work on something furry but nondescript hanging up inside, while I wrote out the cheque...
It's all coming together, and falling apart at the same time.
6th September. Deer Oh Dear?
Telephoned Athelstone this morning to check on progress with butchering one of the residents on the Estate. I was indeed shocked to learn that The Gamekeeper had suffered some sort of injury to his heel and hadn't been "out" at all i.e with a high powered rifle. Thus it could well have been the Achilles heel of this year's Roasted Beast Event. Just a lot of beer and nothing to eat except lettuce, still a meal in itself, you might say, but not quite the same visual and olfactory spectacular.
Luckily A. has managed to wangle one from a game dealer; I am to collect it tomorrow,
"You don't want the head on?"
"That's right, and no lower legs."
The antlers could get tangled up in the spit driving mechanism and there would be nowhere to put the legs anyway.
The idea is to marinade it in the trailer with red wine and olive oil for a day.
I might add that the trailer will be lined with a brand new plastic tarpaulin otherwise additional flavours such as soot and cement could be expected.
But why marinade? Well how do you like your Venison? Like leather or like cardboard?...
Luckily A. has managed to wangle one from a game dealer; I am to collect it tomorrow,
"You don't want the head on?"
"That's right, and no lower legs."
The antlers could get tangled up in the spit driving mechanism and there would be nowhere to put the legs anyway.
The idea is to marinade it in the trailer with red wine and olive oil for a day.
I might add that the trailer will be lined with a brand new plastic tarpaulin otherwise additional flavours such as soot and cement could be expected.
But why marinade? Well how do you like your Venison? Like leather or like cardboard?...
5th September. T.T.T. Results.
Results have been posted on the Web. I find that I wasn't completely last, just 111th out of 130. Of course that isn't the real result, the result is annoyance; annoyance that if I could have gone any faster, I didn't.
At the time, when I was drying between my toes before wheeling out the bicycle, I couldn't have cared less about the results.
The results are also in from the Psychological Prediction; no, not everyone is a "suited, competitive, middle-aged bloke that takes himself far too seriously". But maybe that's just an approximation to what I could turn into, through the medium of competitive sport?
One more result before THE END; I've finally discovered what my "Category" is... Veteran. Veteran! So old and knackered that they have to artificially separate you from the common herd, to 'give you a bit of a chance". In fact a couple more years and I'll be even further out of it as a 'Super Vet".
A Triathlon for Supervets would properly consist of:
Two lengths of the pool paddling a lilo,
Once round the car park on a tricycle,
Fifty yard dash to the lavatory with a zimmer.
I should have suggested introducing this format to Mrs Weale at the care home on Monday, although Mother wouldn't have thanked me.
At the time, when I was drying between my toes before wheeling out the bicycle, I couldn't have cared less about the results.
The results are also in from the Psychological Prediction; no, not everyone is a "suited, competitive, middle-aged bloke that takes himself far too seriously". But maybe that's just an approximation to what I could turn into, through the medium of competitive sport?
One more result before THE END; I've finally discovered what my "Category" is... Veteran. Veteran! So old and knackered that they have to artificially separate you from the common herd, to 'give you a bit of a chance". In fact a couple more years and I'll be even further out of it as a 'Super Vet".
A Triathlon for Supervets would properly consist of:
Two lengths of the pool paddling a lilo,
Once round the car park on a tricycle,
Fifty yard dash to the lavatory with a zimmer.
I should have suggested introducing this format to Mrs Weale at the care home on Monday, although Mother wouldn't have thanked me.
4th September. £7.99 to be Sick. Bargain!
Due to a jam of slow moving traffic, decided to pull off into a Little Chef for tea. Isabelle said she was thinking of having the Steak & Kidney Suet Pudding, I said have whatever you like. I opted for the Great British Breakfast, despite the fact that it was past 7 o'clock at night.
Isabelle dutifully worked through most of the pudding leaving only the outer casing. Then shortly after excused herself, announcing that a billious attack was in progress and the whole thing was begining to "rise up again". This was apparently on account of the stop/ start nature of the last few miles of driving...
Isabelle dutifully worked through most of the pudding leaving only the outer casing. Then shortly after excused herself, announcing that a billious attack was in progress and the whole thing was begining to "rise up again". This was apparently on account of the stop/ start nature of the last few miles of driving...
3rd September. Running On Empty.
Arrived at 7am for Triathlon registration in the near deserted, wind blown town centre feeling like death warmed up.
"I haven't got a helmet, do I need one?"
"Helmets are compulsary."
"Ahh... That means I'm subject to immediate disqualification!"
Unfortunately a helmet was to be had for a fiver in the car park.
Five, four, three, two, one .... Then off into a tumult of choppy chlorinated water and thrashing bodies. Apart from a periodic Ready Brek up-chuck, illness had little manifestation in this first section.
Transition to bicycle took an age because I insisted on drying between my toes. But I was soon pedalling past other riders and other riders were soon pedalling past me.
No running section,as this was flooded out, so once dismounted I could straight away return to feeling ill again.
"I haven't got a helmet, do I need one?"
"Helmets are compulsary."
"Ahh... That means I'm subject to immediate disqualification!"
Unfortunately a helmet was to be had for a fiver in the car park.
Five, four, three, two, one .... Then off into a tumult of choppy chlorinated water and thrashing bodies. Apart from a periodic Ready Brek up-chuck, illness had little manifestation in this first section.
Transition to bicycle took an age because I insisted on drying between my toes. But I was soon pedalling past other riders and other riders were soon pedalling past me.
No running section,as this was flooded out, so once dismounted I could straight away return to feeling ill again.
2nd September. T.T.T. Tragedy.
It would have been worse if I'd been training for 5 years with the very real hope of an Olympic medal in the finals tomorrow. Imagine being incapacitated the day before by a Blueberry Muffin or was it that Tuna sandwich? from the motorway services. Either way it's difficult to know exactly how ill one is. "How do you feel"? Well particularly ill if I think of Tuna sandwiches...
1st September. The Long and Hypnogogic Road.
Due to traffic hold ups our car journey took a little longer than anticipated. The combined effects of early morning swimming and the incessant thrum of tyres on the road caused me to experience an altered state of conciousness at the wheel.
Isabelle who was asleep, but more from too little exercise than too much, kept waking up and shouting; "Your eyes are SHUT!" However from the passenger seat the only eye visible to her was the left. It's never been a very good eye anyway so if it was shut, did it really matter that much?
Isabelle who was asleep, but more from too little exercise than too much, kept waking up and shouting; "Your eyes are SHUT!" However from the passenger seat the only eye visible to her was the left. It's never been a very good eye anyway so if it was shut, did it really matter that much?
31st August. T.T.T.
Yes, it's only two days to go until That Triathlon Thing. I forced myself to put in five miles of in the dark running, well I don't want to be completely goosed by Sunday. I was feeling quite sickly the other day after swallowing a fair bit of the leisure pool which seems to upset the PH of one's stomach. Nevertheless tomorrow morning will be the last chance to get the hang of breathing in air instead of the pool chemicals...
I had to break the news to Mrs C. about her living room; that I wouldn't be back till Tuesday on account of visiting Mother. I mentioned about T.T.T. and she said her boss does them. Straightaway I got a mental picture of some suited, competitive, middle-aged bloke that takes himself far too seriously.
As another Psychological Experiment, it will be interesting to see if this is the typical Triathelete? An opportunity to check automatic negative prediction stemming from basic anxiety against reality.
Answer on Sunday.
Other negatives:
I'll be late arriving,
Swallow half the pool and have to stop,
Can't find my bicycle,
Fall off bicycle,
Miss road junction and get lost,
Have coronary thrombosis running up hill,
Have to stop three times for a pee,
Thrashed by OAP's...
I had to break the news to Mrs C. about her living room; that I wouldn't be back till Tuesday on account of visiting Mother. I mentioned about T.T.T. and she said her boss does them. Straightaway I got a mental picture of some suited, competitive, middle-aged bloke that takes himself far too seriously.
As another Psychological Experiment, it will be interesting to see if this is the typical Triathelete? An opportunity to check automatic negative prediction stemming from basic anxiety against reality.
Answer on Sunday.
Other negatives:
I'll be late arriving,
Swallow half the pool and have to stop,
Can't find my bicycle,
Fall off bicycle,
Miss road junction and get lost,
Have coronary thrombosis running up hill,
Have to stop three times for a pee,
Thrashed by OAP's...
30th August. Chicken Marijuana.
I was sitting outside the other day having a cup of tea with the gammie-legged pigeons. It was then I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, something unusual...
I exclaimed to Isabelle "What's that huge Cannabis plant growing there in front of the hen house?!"
"What Cannabis plant?"
I pointed out the bright green familiar shaped leaves. "If it looks like Cannabis and it smells like Cannabis, it must be....?"
It's not clear whose diet here includes hemp seed but it's psychoactive properties could well be marginal. But I see, for purely decorative reasons, "the plant" has been moved to a more prominent border. The Chief Constable up the road might have something to say about that?
This morning Isabelle remarked that the two new chicks, which are moved around the lawn with their mother hen, were running short of grass. Grass?
This suggested an experiment: feeding the dope plant to them, then checking for any signs of reefer madness...
Err... well, maybe not?
I exclaimed to Isabelle "What's that huge Cannabis plant growing there in front of the hen house?!"
"What Cannabis plant?"
I pointed out the bright green familiar shaped leaves. "If it looks like Cannabis and it smells like Cannabis, it must be....?"
It's not clear whose diet here includes hemp seed but it's psychoactive properties could well be marginal. But I see, for purely decorative reasons, "the plant" has been moved to a more prominent border. The Chief Constable up the road might have something to say about that?
This morning Isabelle remarked that the two new chicks, which are moved around the lawn with their mother hen, were running short of grass. Grass?
This suggested an experiment: feeding the dope plant to them, then checking for any signs of reefer madness...
Err... well, maybe not?
29th August. A Graduate Job Offer at S.H.I.T.
Sewage is a growth industry, so young Mr F the Civil Engineer tells me, what with all the current EC regs. In fact the company have trouble recruiting anyone other than foreign students. "School leavers nowadays, they just want to do Media Studies" said Mr F.
"I've got a degree in Engineering" I revealed.
"We could give you a job then!"
"What sort of things do you do there?"
'It's mainly computer modelling the flow of ..."
"Waterborne human excrement?"
"Yes."
"It's all just Windows based, easy enough, quite fun really. so long as you're used to thinking in 3D you'd be alright."
"Well the thing is, to let you understand, when I left College "THE Computer" filled an entire room, and you had to wait two days to get your program results back on punched tape...'
"I've got a degree in Engineering" I revealed.
"We could give you a job then!"
"What sort of things do you do there?"
'It's mainly computer modelling the flow of ..."
"Waterborne human excrement?"
"Yes."
"It's all just Windows based, easy enough, quite fun really. so long as you're used to thinking in 3D you'd be alright."
"Well the thing is, to let you understand, when I left College "THE Computer" filled an entire room, and you had to wait two days to get your program results back on punched tape...'
28th August. When I forgot My Sandwiches.
I was so hungry on the way back today I had to stop at The Horn Milk Bar. As any student of post war British history will be aware, milk bars had to originate in a period prior to Anthony Burgess's A Clockwork Orange. Otherwise we couldn't have had the sinister context of the Korova Milk Bar where the delinquent Alex and his mates gathered to consume milk laced with narcotics.
Its interesting to note that when they drew up the plans for the Horn Milk Bar, the future of interior decor that lay in store for us was pretty much wall to wall melamine, with a lot of vinyl. Step into The Horn and the detail has been preserved to such a fine degree that its surprising to find that the prices aren't still pre-decimal.
Its interesting to note that when they drew up the plans for the Horn Milk Bar, the future of interior decor that lay in store for us was pretty much wall to wall melamine, with a lot of vinyl. Step into The Horn and the detail has been preserved to such a fine degree that its surprising to find that the prices aren't still pre-decimal.
27th August. Dave's Virtual Bike Run.
Dave probably organised the whole thing from the comfort of the Craigton Coach Inn; it was his idea anyway. However a 9am call from Charlie's mobile revealed that Dave was "in the shower" whilst we were sat 25 miles away in what remains of Coupar Angus town centre. As it turned out Dave could be neither legally nor morally sanctioned to be in control of a powerful motor-cycle on public roads probably until Monday morning.
Maybe this was no bad thing as Dave's faith in tyre adhesion to wet tarmac is a far more strongly held conviction than my own personal belief. The usual result is that I spend most of the time getting left behind all anxious and squinting through a visor covered in water droplets, worrying about every irregularity in the road, this is known as RSP (Road Surface Paranoia).
Charlie got the map out at The Spittal of Glenshee but since neither of us had any glasses and the lighting was fairly low key, choosing a route was mainly guesswork. The roads stayed wet for a while so I tried to picture both wheels riding on rails to boost confidence but instead kept imagining deer jumping out from the trees straight in front...
In the end the scariest moment was after I'd called in at the local shop for bread. Heading back round a left hand bend I brushed away a wasp which seemed to be held by wind pressure on my visor. When it didn't move I realised the wasp was held captive inside the helmet. At that point, halfway round a bend, I do admit to a slight feeling of panic; luckily flipping up the visor released the errant insect before it worked itself up into a stinging frenzy.
Maybe this was no bad thing as Dave's faith in tyre adhesion to wet tarmac is a far more strongly held conviction than my own personal belief. The usual result is that I spend most of the time getting left behind all anxious and squinting through a visor covered in water droplets, worrying about every irregularity in the road, this is known as RSP (Road Surface Paranoia).
Charlie got the map out at The Spittal of Glenshee but since neither of us had any glasses and the lighting was fairly low key, choosing a route was mainly guesswork. The roads stayed wet for a while so I tried to picture both wheels riding on rails to boost confidence but instead kept imagining deer jumping out from the trees straight in front...
In the end the scariest moment was after I'd called in at the local shop for bread. Heading back round a left hand bend I brushed away a wasp which seemed to be held by wind pressure on my visor. When it didn't move I realised the wasp was held captive inside the helmet. At that point, halfway round a bend, I do admit to a slight feeling of panic; luckily flipping up the visor released the errant insect before it worked itself up into a stinging frenzy.
26th August. O Lucky Bird.
"I think we've struck it lucky with those two chicks" said Isabelle in the car this morning. By that she meant that they both look as if they're going to turn into hens rather than cockerels. This is the same probability as two coins both coming down heads.
He doesn't know it yet but young 'Puffson", the masturbating chicken, has also come up trumps. These two young and impressionable hens are likely to accord Puffson the due respect that to date has been denied by the other three hens...
The masturbating chicken routinely practises a form of frottaging by getting up close to a hen then taking out his frustrations in a form of auto-eroticism on any convenient patch of nearby lawn. The coming out of these chicken debutantes in the poultry social world is certainly timely as Puffson's onanism is begining to border on the neurotic...
He doesn't know it yet but young 'Puffson", the masturbating chicken, has also come up trumps. These two young and impressionable hens are likely to accord Puffson the due respect that to date has been denied by the other three hens...
The masturbating chicken routinely practises a form of frottaging by getting up close to a hen then taking out his frustrations in a form of auto-eroticism on any convenient patch of nearby lawn. The coming out of these chicken debutantes in the poultry social world is certainly timely as Puffson's onanism is begining to border on the neurotic...
25th August. Dishwashers and Lear Jets
As far as finances go, it seems to be a general rule that the more you earn the more you spend. Then once you've given in to buying a dishwasher then you NEED a dishwasher, life without a dishwasher is unimaginable. So far I've resisted, but from some points of view, ie Isabelle's, this is simply a case of me being miserable. The result is that I pretend to be a dishwashing machine, at least I don't have to put them away there's no machine that can manage that, this is the current arrangement.
It's actually debateable, if left to my own devices I would have ever thought a computer a necessary encumbrance? Now of course, could you imagine life without one? If I wanted to, for instance, I could produce a spreadsheet about 8 feet wide detailing the minutia of every daily expense, totalled up in 10.000 different ways, whilst listening to 915 personally chosen tracks, randomly sorted.
The other day Ross gave me a cheque signed by Gar', I said I don't remember what the quote was.
"That's ok", he says "I'll just leave it blank"...
"That's quite a level of trust" I replied. Gar', being the owner of two new Bentleys and a Lear Jet, not to mention the private helicopter, all of course indispensible, must be good for several hundred thousand.
It did cross my mind to make the cheque out for £2.3 million and just pay it in at the Royal Bank, then go out and buy a dishwasher, WHAT you haven't got a dishwasher yet?
It's actually debateable, if left to my own devices I would have ever thought a computer a necessary encumbrance? Now of course, could you imagine life without one? If I wanted to, for instance, I could produce a spreadsheet about 8 feet wide detailing the minutia of every daily expense, totalled up in 10.000 different ways, whilst listening to 915 personally chosen tracks, randomly sorted.
The other day Ross gave me a cheque signed by Gar', I said I don't remember what the quote was.
"That's ok", he says "I'll just leave it blank"...
"That's quite a level of trust" I replied. Gar', being the owner of two new Bentleys and a Lear Jet, not to mention the private helicopter, all of course indispensible, must be good for several hundred thousand.
It did cross my mind to make the cheque out for £2.3 million and just pay it in at the Royal Bank, then go out and buy a dishwasher, WHAT you haven't got a dishwasher yet?
24th August. Radio 1 V. Radio 2
The two painters outside, one armed with white gloss the other with green undercoat, had Radio 1 on all day. Radio 1 is supposed to be for "young people" which they undoubtedly are, each possessed of hair on the crown of their heads, and a humour rich in impenetrable nuances. They may as well be speaking Spanish.
Inside, Radio 2 blares, in between bouts of static from various power tools. Radio 2 appeals more to the balding tradesperson, although on closer inspection is basically Radio 1 as it was about 25 years ago, the only difference being that news bulletins about GCSE results and the like have been replaced with trafffic congestion reports.
In the afternoon i was able to experience an unusual stereo effect on account of the painters radio being next to a curved glass sash window, that someone during a momentary lapse has managed to put a hole through.
At the end of the day I would say on balance that as far as inane drivel goes Radio 1 came out a clear winner.
Inside, Radio 2 blares, in between bouts of static from various power tools. Radio 2 appeals more to the balding tradesperson, although on closer inspection is basically Radio 1 as it was about 25 years ago, the only difference being that news bulletins about GCSE results and the like have been replaced with trafffic congestion reports.
In the afternoon i was able to experience an unusual stereo effect on account of the painters radio being next to a curved glass sash window, that someone during a momentary lapse has managed to put a hole through.
At the end of the day I would say on balance that as far as inane drivel goes Radio 1 came out a clear winner.
23rd August. Life in The Fast Lane
An early morning trip to the Leisure Pool saw me determindly front crawling up and down the "fast" lane. Finally the 16 length barrier fell in 13 minutes which probably puts me neck and neck with any veteran triathelete entrants.
It's a very different world in the pool at 7:30am, no kids, just people with very ordered existences. The sort of women who probably "don't have time for a relationship", plus a few "active" 60 is the new 40 or whatever. To be honest I felt a bit out of place climbing back into the Daihatsu with a trailer load of rubble.
Still it does make you feel good I mused, stopping off at the nearest burger van outside National Tyre Service for a bacon roll, and still managing to arrive earlier than normal at Mrs F's, to get some more rubble. Do you know it's now illegal to transport rubble without a rubble licence? And the rubble police could be watching anywhere with CCTV. What tax will they think of next?
Mind you by the time I had to trawl all the way up to Pitlochry to look at yet another problem chimney, I decided to hurriedly put the rest of the Suzuki together because travelling at a high speed on two wheels would paradoxically be considerably safer...
The reason for this is, it's a lot easier to fall asleep at the wheel than to fall asleep at the handlebars.
It's a very different world in the pool at 7:30am, no kids, just people with very ordered existences. The sort of women who probably "don't have time for a relationship", plus a few "active" 60 is the new 40 or whatever. To be honest I felt a bit out of place climbing back into the Daihatsu with a trailer load of rubble.
Still it does make you feel good I mused, stopping off at the nearest burger van outside National Tyre Service for a bacon roll, and still managing to arrive earlier than normal at Mrs F's, to get some more rubble. Do you know it's now illegal to transport rubble without a rubble licence? And the rubble police could be watching anywhere with CCTV. What tax will they think of next?
Mind you by the time I had to trawl all the way up to Pitlochry to look at yet another problem chimney, I decided to hurriedly put the rest of the Suzuki together because travelling at a high speed on two wheels would paradoxically be considerably safer...
The reason for this is, it's a lot easier to fall asleep at the wheel than to fall asleep at the handlebars.
22nd August. I am Number 20
Received a sheaf of bumff today headed with block letters IMPORTANT INFORMATION PLEASE READ CAREFULLY. The pages contained detailed information about how to go through the ordeal of this Triathlon thing, including where the toilets are, which could be one of my major concerns, at that time of the morning, because I like to keep myself regular...
Then there are still anxieties about swimming the distance front crawl without swallowing half the pool, or even swimming the distance, and then what? do you cycle 25 k's in your bathers or strip off in front of the public? Sometimes we just have to accept uncertainties and admit that we don't know what will happen.
Actually I was once in another race but I think I dropped my egg. That was during the inter-school sports day between the villages of Kingsley. Norley and Crowton in about 1967. It makes you wonder why they have school sports days? Is it just to discourage entry into any further competitions?
Then there are still anxieties about swimming the distance front crawl without swallowing half the pool, or even swimming the distance, and then what? do you cycle 25 k's in your bathers or strip off in front of the public? Sometimes we just have to accept uncertainties and admit that we don't know what will happen.
Actually I was once in another race but I think I dropped my egg. That was during the inter-school sports day between the villages of Kingsley. Norley and Crowton in about 1967. It makes you wonder why they have school sports days? Is it just to discourage entry into any further competitions?
21st August. The Grey Arrows
The recent absence from home meant that the two gammie-legged pigeons were due to perform a fly past. Once their natural predators, ie domestic cats had been lured inside by the sound of "Whiskas" being dished up (probably Pigeon flavoured), the evenings spectacle could begin.
These birds specialise in formation flying, high above the Lime trees and as far as Mrs Pattersons roof, but generally circling around what they now consider home. Their walking disabilities which greatly affect survival on the pavement outside Woolworths makes little difference to their airborne manouvres.
Perching is obviously problematic so they head for the roof of the hen house rather than the clothes line. Donnie the longest resident is keen to get settled down in the hen house itself, whereas Whistle continues to fly around until its almost dark.
In common with other birds other than owls they can't see a damn thing at night so are easily grabbed and returned to captivity before falling victim to something with superior vision.
Donnie in particular has little real idea of the cats daytime interest from the other side of the chicken wire, and would be "easy meat", as they say.
These birds specialise in formation flying, high above the Lime trees and as far as Mrs Pattersons roof, but generally circling around what they now consider home. Their walking disabilities which greatly affect survival on the pavement outside Woolworths makes little difference to their airborne manouvres.
Perching is obviously problematic so they head for the roof of the hen house rather than the clothes line. Donnie the longest resident is keen to get settled down in the hen house itself, whereas Whistle continues to fly around until its almost dark.
In common with other birds other than owls they can't see a damn thing at night so are easily grabbed and returned to captivity before falling victim to something with superior vision.
Donnie in particular has little real idea of the cats daytime interest from the other side of the chicken wire, and would be "easy meat", as they say.
20th August. Ascent of Slioch
If one is prepared to remove ones trousers one can steal a march on other walkers following various guide books to the letter. Personally I refer to the SMC Guide Book to the Northern Highlands published 1936, price 7/6. But anyway rowing across Loch Maree proved unecessary and ill advised because Mrs B's father's boat was a little on the large side as far as manhandling goes. Hence the wading across the river solution. Low cloud and mist meant that there was some doubt as to whether or not the summit was the summit, when eventually arrived at or not. Thankfully I'd remembered to bring my glasses with me (Tesco £5.97) and was able to read the map which showed that there should be a triangulation point where there was just a pile of stones. These so called trig points date back to an era of surveying by men in tweeds carrying instruments to the top of mountains, now its all done by spy satellites and presumably computer geeks.
How long will it be before they bring out THE LARGE PRINT VERSION OF THE 1:50000 ORDNANCE SURVEY OF GREAT BRITAIN? There must be a growing market what with an ageing but leisure rich population with varying levels of macular degeneration. Maybe they do a large print GPS the size of a laptop?
How long will it be before they bring out THE LARGE PRINT VERSION OF THE 1:50000 ORDNANCE SURVEY OF GREAT BRITAIN? There must be a growing market what with an ageing but leisure rich population with varying levels of macular degeneration. Maybe they do a large print GPS the size of a laptop?
19th August. Kodak Moments
The digital photo revolution thus far has been, in my opinion, a somewhat mixed blessing. It's true, like everyone says, that picture quality can be more rigorously controlled at source due to immediate viewing and the ease of "taking another one".
However this is where we run into the real bug-bear...
Isabelle eschews storage on CD as "not being the same" and as a consequence brought some photos with her to be "put in order". These relate to her sister's wedding in Mexico, with a resultant 1600 prints in about 8 albums. Since we were only there two weeks, this charts not just daily events but perhaps hourly... Although the actual ceremony itself is probably minute by minute or moment by moment...
However this is where we run into the real bug-bear...
Isabelle eschews storage on CD as "not being the same" and as a consequence brought some photos with her to be "put in order". These relate to her sister's wedding in Mexico, with a resultant 1600 prints in about 8 albums. Since we were only there two weeks, this charts not just daily events but perhaps hourly... Although the actual ceremony itself is probably minute by minute or moment by moment...
18th August. Jimmy Rock-Eye
It's a long way to go for a bag of cement from this present location. To be precise a round trip of precisely 127 miles. I can be this exact because I'd neglected to bring a bag of it and there was some other example of bad planning or project management that had to be rectified. It would be the same mileage if you wanted to see The Da Vinci Code. Imagine the fury of driving all that way then having to sit through that pap? I would have needed several in depth reviews of Pirates of The Caribbean before risking the same journey, in fact I'd probably have had to read a book about it. But as recompense you can always combine it with Tesco because thats about the same distance too, give or take a couple of miles.
So this evening we drove up the road a short distance to the viewpoint to watch the sunset over the Isle of Lewis on the horizon and it all seemed so vast and unchanging compared to one insignificant human life. This remoteness is definitely a draw for many people... Isabelle said that Jimmy Rock-Eye has a house around here somewhere and turns up at the hotel bar on occasion with two large dogs in tow.
"Jimmy Rock-Eye? Who on earth's Jimmy Rock-Eye?"
"Well he's in the music business"
"You mean Jamiroquai?"...
So this evening we drove up the road a short distance to the viewpoint to watch the sunset over the Isle of Lewis on the horizon and it all seemed so vast and unchanging compared to one insignificant human life. This remoteness is definitely a draw for many people... Isabelle said that Jimmy Rock-Eye has a house around here somewhere and turns up at the hotel bar on occasion with two large dogs in tow.
"Jimmy Rock-Eye? Who on earth's Jimmy Rock-Eye?"
"Well he's in the music business"
"You mean Jamiroquai?"...
17th August. £30,000 Kitchen ambitions.
Directly through the kitchen window here there is a clear view, despite a fine scots smirr, of the imposing bulk of Beinn Alligan... Achhhh but this is tedious talking about what you did when you were sixteen, it was just that recently I've come to the conclusion that ambitions seem to be more or less formulated by that age. So now instead of thinking there's nothing I want to do, casting ones mind back can dredge up items for the GLTU (Great List of Things Undone).
Lets talk about something else, Mrs B our host is big on cooking, Isabelle is concerned not about Mrs B's cooking, more about the effects of eating it. And an interesting fact about the kitchen here, is that despite being a world renowned author of numerous books on cooking Mrs B. doesn't possess a £15,000 kitchen herself.
I would say that as a general rule, from wide experience of house interiors, that the more expensive the kitchen the less it will be used for any cooking.
Lets talk about something else, Mrs B our host is big on cooking, Isabelle is concerned not about Mrs B's cooking, more about the effects of eating it. And an interesting fact about the kitchen here, is that despite being a world renowned author of numerous books on cooking Mrs B. doesn't possess a £15,000 kitchen herself.
I would say that as a general rule, from wide experience of house interiors, that the more expensive the kitchen the less it will be used for any cooking.
16th August. Meet The Midges
I should really have offered to help with the washing up here at our hosts in the far north. However it wasn't long before Paul, who was helpfully dealing with the plates, remarked that midges were coming in through the kitchen window. Once he'd closed it and sat down again he further announced, whilst going through the familiar scratching and rubbing motion, that he'd had about 4 or 5 bites already. Paul, despite possessing a bona-fide Celtic ancestory, seems to present some sort of gourmet experience for the ubiquitous west highland insect. For myself, I am aware of them drifting over to examine the screen of our hosts laptop, but my flesh doesn't seem to have the same magnetism... If you are curious as to the size of a midge, then its about as big as this; .
15th August. A Short Break with Midges.
Heading North to the wilds for several days with everything you need to have a fun time with Midges.*
Namely one Charnwood Cove 2. stove, sectional lengths of chimney and a complete set of tools. Almost a holiday apart from fitting the stove.
I had to break the news to Mrs F. the current ongoing customer, this evening, that their dust covered living room would have to be left in disarray until next Monday.
She was understanding enough and asked me if I had any plans to go up any hills while I was there. Yes, I was hoping to row across Loch Maree to shorten the trudge up Slioch, a fairly remote locale by British standards.
At that she looked a bit wistful and said that she'd got lost on the way up it with Mr. F. though that was a while ago, before The Kids. Given that the middle one had his first day at school today it'll be some time before Mr & Mrs F. will be taking off together to go hillwalking in the North west highlands. Yes siree! we do have to live with the choices we've made, like chimneys and stove installation for a living..
* What are Midges? (pro. midgeez)
Found mainly in the north and west of Scotland, these are one of several species of tiny flies that have a great fondness for alighting on human skin, They also tend to bite but some people are more palatable to them than others. If exposed to them for any length of time individuals often exhibit symptoms akin to mental breakdown.
Namely one Charnwood Cove 2. stove, sectional lengths of chimney and a complete set of tools. Almost a holiday apart from fitting the stove.
I had to break the news to Mrs F. the current ongoing customer, this evening, that their dust covered living room would have to be left in disarray until next Monday.
She was understanding enough and asked me if I had any plans to go up any hills while I was there. Yes, I was hoping to row across Loch Maree to shorten the trudge up Slioch, a fairly remote locale by British standards.
At that she looked a bit wistful and said that she'd got lost on the way up it with Mr. F. though that was a while ago, before The Kids. Given that the middle one had his first day at school today it'll be some time before Mr & Mrs F. will be taking off together to go hillwalking in the North west highlands. Yes siree! we do have to live with the choices we've made, like chimneys and stove installation for a living..
* What are Midges? (pro. midgeez)
Found mainly in the north and west of Scotland, these are one of several species of tiny flies that have a great fondness for alighting on human skin, They also tend to bite but some people are more palatable to them than others. If exposed to them for any length of time individuals often exhibit symptoms akin to mental breakdown.
14th August. Pirates of the Caribbean
I didn't deliberately try to go to sleep during the movie unlike the Da Vinci Code. However I still managed to lose conciousness while the main characters were being chased by the pygmies or was it chased by the crew of the Flying Dutchman?
Either way I think this made the movie seem longer because when I woke up they were still being chased by something very similar. To be honest I think they overplayed the giant squid, but my gripe isn't against the computer generated visuals, which would certainly have freaked me out as a young person.
It was the computer generated plot that gave me the most trouble. What happened was; they sent a comprehensive summary of western seafaring myths to a Taiwanese software engineer who was under strict contract to utilise every aspect detailed. The resultant plot written in Mandarin was then translated into English using the Babelfish program... Perhaps this explains why the dog didn't survive, a real Hollywood anomaly .
Either way I think this made the movie seem longer because when I woke up they were still being chased by something very similar. To be honest I think they overplayed the giant squid, but my gripe isn't against the computer generated visuals, which would certainly have freaked me out as a young person.
It was the computer generated plot that gave me the most trouble. What happened was; they sent a comprehensive summary of western seafaring myths to a Taiwanese software engineer who was under strict contract to utilise every aspect detailed. The resultant plot written in Mandarin was then translated into English using the Babelfish program... Perhaps this explains why the dog didn't survive, a real Hollywood anomaly .
13th August. Psychological Experiment 1a (continued) Results.
PART 2.
Here we are back at the camping ground kindly provided by a former customer from Chimney World in the environs of Glamis. We are now able to evaluate the predictions of Part 1.
Overall, looking around at the other members of the audience I wouldn't say that I enjoyed the event any more or less than anyone else. Therefore with the application of logic the score has to be a lot more than 5.3%.
Naturally, despite any pretension towards higher culture, the event is still an excuse for excessive consumption of alcohol. So, after a couple of pints of Old Remedial I was able to appreciate the 2nd movement of Greigs Piano Concerto to a greater depth. Wiping a tear away I had to confess that I was actually enjoying it.
The fact is the orchestra has to try and please everyone, there would be members of the audience who found Greig too heavy and preferred the earlier rendition of a Strauss waltz.
Then the Mars and Jupiter suites from Holst were quite good, sing a long in fact with good fireworks all choreographed at huge expense. Followed by a finale with a piper and yet more fireworks. So despite a cold hypothermic wind which brought on a touch of Vibration White Finger it was still enjoyable. The final percentage works out at about 68.45%.
Conclusions.
Its obvious that my thinking about future events is dramatically skewed towards the negative. This is wholly unrealistic as shown by Psychological Experiment 1a.
Therefore there is scope for considerable readjustment.
Here we are back at the camping ground kindly provided by a former customer from Chimney World in the environs of Glamis. We are now able to evaluate the predictions of Part 1.
Overall, looking around at the other members of the audience I wouldn't say that I enjoyed the event any more or less than anyone else. Therefore with the application of logic the score has to be a lot more than 5.3%.
Naturally, despite any pretension towards higher culture, the event is still an excuse for excessive consumption of alcohol. So, after a couple of pints of Old Remedial I was able to appreciate the 2nd movement of Greigs Piano Concerto to a greater depth. Wiping a tear away I had to confess that I was actually enjoying it.
The fact is the orchestra has to try and please everyone, there would be members of the audience who found Greig too heavy and preferred the earlier rendition of a Strauss waltz.
Then the Mars and Jupiter suites from Holst were quite good, sing a long in fact with good fireworks all choreographed at huge expense. Followed by a finale with a piper and yet more fireworks. So despite a cold hypothermic wind which brought on a touch of Vibration White Finger it was still enjoyable. The final percentage works out at about 68.45%.
Conclusions.
Its obvious that my thinking about future events is dramatically skewed towards the negative. This is wholly unrealistic as shown by Psychological Experiment 1a.
Therefore there is scope for considerable readjustment.
12th August. Psychological Experiment 1a.
PART 1.
This evening we are scheduled to attend the Glamis Castle Prom. This is one of those popular outside classical music extravaganzas showcasing the talents of various solo artistes. It's not the sort of event with a mosh pit, or indeed any kind of dancing because its not the kind of music you can dance to.
Normally the orchestra is at a great distance from one's seat and the music is relayed by a series of speakers dotted around the grounds. Talking is frowned upon. The format is to take in strawberries and champagne rather than say Tennents Super Strength lager and crisps. So you sit there on your own seats, which have to be carted miles across grassland, listening to something that may as well be coming out of a cd player, while it gets progressively darker and perhaps wetter, surrounded by people who just want to be able to say "oh yes, we were at the prom this year, marvellous performance by -----". They can't exactly say they were bored stiff because they all paid £15 a head for the priviledge.
These are thoughts based on my feelings of how things are going to turn out. I consider these to be hard facts about the Glamis Prom rather than speculation or hypothesese. These thoughts stem from a basic anxiety about any future event involving me, not just something involving outdoor classical music. These thoughts can be summarised thus: "Whatever it is, it'll be rubbish".
Therefore I can confidently predict a 98% probability of achieving an enjoyment level of 5.3% of The Glamis Prom 2006.
Tomorrow in PART 2. of Psychological Experiment 1a. We will review the results from the actual event with the above prediction. This will clarify the accuracy/inaccuracy of my current thinking upon which underlying attitudes to the future are based. Is there any scope for change?
This evening we are scheduled to attend the Glamis Castle Prom. This is one of those popular outside classical music extravaganzas showcasing the talents of various solo artistes. It's not the sort of event with a mosh pit, or indeed any kind of dancing because its not the kind of music you can dance to.
Normally the orchestra is at a great distance from one's seat and the music is relayed by a series of speakers dotted around the grounds. Talking is frowned upon. The format is to take in strawberries and champagne rather than say Tennents Super Strength lager and crisps. So you sit there on your own seats, which have to be carted miles across grassland, listening to something that may as well be coming out of a cd player, while it gets progressively darker and perhaps wetter, surrounded by people who just want to be able to say "oh yes, we were at the prom this year, marvellous performance by -----". They can't exactly say they were bored stiff because they all paid £15 a head for the priviledge.
These are thoughts based on my feelings of how things are going to turn out. I consider these to be hard facts about the Glamis Prom rather than speculation or hypothesese. These thoughts stem from a basic anxiety about any future event involving me, not just something involving outdoor classical music. These thoughts can be summarised thus: "Whatever it is, it'll be rubbish".
Therefore I can confidently predict a 98% probability of achieving an enjoyment level of 5.3% of The Glamis Prom 2006.
Tomorrow in PART 2. of Psychological Experiment 1a. We will review the results from the actual event with the above prediction. This will clarify the accuracy/inaccuracy of my current thinking upon which underlying attitudes to the future are based. Is there any scope for change?
11th August Shrek Green
When you get to the foot of any part of the climbing wall you just pick the colour of holds you think you can climb up, pink with white spots, shrek green etc. These are graded by degree of difficulty. This week I was paired up with some guy about half my age. Naturally he was keen to push the envelope, himself and me. After one or two routes the pace began to tell on the arms. It wasn't long before I'd lost contact with the wall itself, literally come unstuck.This is because at some point, willing the fingers to grip no longer has any effect. So there one is hanging in space, which is a lot better than succumbing to the effects of gravitational attraction.
Having reached one's Present Personal Limit anything easier seems pointless and anything harder is obviously impossible. There's nothing else to do but struggle and suffer at the clearly defined edge of possible/impossible. This is what I suppose is described as Sporting.
Maybe the rest of life seems equally pointless unless its almost impossible? Is it, reach exceeds grasp? Well It can't be grasp exceeds reach, everything would be a doddle then.
Having reached one's Present Personal Limit anything easier seems pointless and anything harder is obviously impossible. There's nothing else to do but struggle and suffer at the clearly defined edge of possible/impossible. This is what I suppose is described as Sporting.
Maybe the rest of life seems equally pointless unless its almost impossible? Is it, reach exceeds grasp? Well It can't be grasp exceeds reach, everything would be a doddle then.
10th August A Good Clean Kill ?
There's no going back now, because I've placed an order with the shoot to order man, a shadowy figure in the world of culling. A creature going about its daily routine has its days numbered now. There's no more emotion involved than if a similar request had been made of a hit man to take out an undesirable political figure. No more emotion than pressing a button and a whole city dies. Of course the main difference is not having to eat the politcian.
One can only hope that the weather shines favourably on the eventual outdoor cooking process, which will necessarily be long-winded, and so much later in the season, tch, tch... This will involve marinating, boiling, roasting, and some other procedure as yet undecided, it's possible one has bitten off more than one can chew this time?
One can only hope that the weather shines favourably on the eventual outdoor cooking process, which will necessarily be long-winded, and so much later in the season, tch, tch... This will involve marinating, boiling, roasting, and some other procedure as yet undecided, it's possible one has bitten off more than one can chew this time?
9th August Darwin 1. Sentiment 0.
Despite all the care and attention the smaller than average chick called "Pip" didn't make it, which was a sad turn. His legacy is a 25 kg sack of baby chick feed, which was the smallest they had at "Country Corner". The remaining two Darwinian style surviving chicks are busy eating their way through this gritty looking concoction. However this pair look to a real hen rather than Isabelle for their security, so it's not quite the same.
8th August Old Rubber Legs
I've maybe got more time than i initially thought. That is, more time to complete the Great List of Things Undone. I came to this conclusion after meeting Des (63), who was out there in Switzerland on a more serious bout of Alpinism than a mere introduction like myself. Then there was Brian (65), still able to get up the Matterhorn...
Of course the next thing on the GLTU is the Triathlon entry. I see my name has appeared on the list, so that's that. For the uninitiated its a simple race of swim/bike/then run. So I managed to extricate the bicycle from the tangle of deck chairs and garden implements, blew up the tyres, then set off with the intention of practising the transition from cycling to running. Riding eight miles in a determined fashion was quite a drain in itself. I was glad to get off the saddle, quite frankly. A bit of running to follow would make a nice change... I took a few gulps of water from the outside tap as preparation, but I wasn't quite prepared for the fact that my legs would start behaving as if they were made of rubber...
I ran about half a mile and ended up with a "stitch", whatever a stitch is? Then turned back, and I still haven't mastered swimming the required distance either yet...
Of course the next thing on the GLTU is the Triathlon entry. I see my name has appeared on the list, so that's that. For the uninitiated its a simple race of swim/bike/then run. So I managed to extricate the bicycle from the tangle of deck chairs and garden implements, blew up the tyres, then set off with the intention of practising the transition from cycling to running. Riding eight miles in a determined fashion was quite a drain in itself. I was glad to get off the saddle, quite frankly. A bit of running to follow would make a nice change... I took a few gulps of water from the outside tap as preparation, but I wasn't quite prepared for the fact that my legs would start behaving as if they were made of rubber...
I ran about half a mile and ended up with a "stitch", whatever a stitch is? Then turned back, and I still haven't mastered swimming the required distance either yet...
7th August Chicken in a Fish Tank
I'm not sure why, but today we took possession of another flat. My duties included scrubbing at bath enamel with that much advertised cleaning product, Cillit Bang. "Bang! And the dirt is gone!" or in the case of stained bath enamel "Bang! Bang! Have you got any of those pan scrubber things because nothing's happening." Actually I just like repeating the words Cillit Bang! to myself. Not unlike Billy Crystal's father-in-law in Forget Paris, what was it? "Toyota. You wan it, you got it!".
What was the chicken in a fish tank though? Well, that's just a continuation of the chick from last week which now has to travel around everywhere in this former aquarium. It could be hemi-plegic or just gammie-legged but when we were parked illegally outside The Royal Bank this morning two traffic wardens turned a blind-eye whilst witnessing the complexity of its feeding arrangements.
Even these hardest of the hard (colloquially known as Blue Meanies) were prey to the same sentiment that now grips Isabelle.
A search of web pages to obtain a likely prognosis revealed that an aerosol of Diesel Cold Starter and a screw top jam jar was the easiest solution, as this product is composed mainly of Ether.
Needless to say this was rejected out of hand, and the chicken aquarium now resides on the opposite side of the bed from the goldfish tank (monsters of the deep)...
What was the chicken in a fish tank though? Well, that's just a continuation of the chick from last week which now has to travel around everywhere in this former aquarium. It could be hemi-plegic or just gammie-legged but when we were parked illegally outside The Royal Bank this morning two traffic wardens turned a blind-eye whilst witnessing the complexity of its feeding arrangements.
Even these hardest of the hard (colloquially known as Blue Meanies) were prey to the same sentiment that now grips Isabelle.
A search of web pages to obtain a likely prognosis revealed that an aerosol of Diesel Cold Starter and a screw top jam jar was the easiest solution, as this product is composed mainly of Ether.
Needless to say this was rejected out of hand, and the chicken aquarium now resides on the opposite side of the bed from the goldfish tank (monsters of the deep)...
6th August Service Not Included
Traipsed around the old part of Sion last night looking for somewhere other than McDonalds to eat. I sat down at an unpretentious looking pavement cafe and was attended by a chap from an adjacent table.
"Un Spaghetti Bolognaise?"
"Oui, and something to drink Monsieur?"
"Une biere s'il-vous-plait."
The man disappeared inside and shortly after a rather stumpy woman came out with a beer and a bill for three francs.
Service in Switzerland has been a little on the relaxed side but anyway my train wasn't until tomorrow morning... I watched the passers-by, as one does, and the nearby Cathedral clock struck the hour, the quarter hour, then the half hour? I thought this Spaghetti should be worth the wait though, as the place seemed unfrequented by the usual tourists.
The chap that served me brought out bottles of red wine, fresh bread and a platter of Parma ham, but all to the table he was sitting at. I gazed at the faces around the table and was strongly reminded of various portrayals of Mafiosa type families.
A chill breeze marked the end of the day and the clock chimed another quarter of an hour. I considered doing a bit of window shopping over the way.
Instead the same chap caught my eye and grunted "Une autre biere Monsieur?"
"Non merci"
I took the opportunity to enquire about my order. "Ou est mon Spaghetti?"
"Je ne comprend pas."
"Bolognaise! SPAGHETTI!"
The man shrugged and made some joke with the rest of the table. I reluctantly handed over a five franc piece for the beer "Avez-vous du change!?"
Somehow I inexplicably ended up with about seventeen francs instead of two.
My only explanation is, they must have thought I was Polish and wanted to show their disdain for anyone from the former Eastern block...
"Un Spaghetti Bolognaise?"
"Oui, and something to drink Monsieur?"
"Une biere s'il-vous-plait."
The man disappeared inside and shortly after a rather stumpy woman came out with a beer and a bill for three francs.
Service in Switzerland has been a little on the relaxed side but anyway my train wasn't until tomorrow morning... I watched the passers-by, as one does, and the nearby Cathedral clock struck the hour, the quarter hour, then the half hour? I thought this Spaghetti should be worth the wait though, as the place seemed unfrequented by the usual tourists.
The chap that served me brought out bottles of red wine, fresh bread and a platter of Parma ham, but all to the table he was sitting at. I gazed at the faces around the table and was strongly reminded of various portrayals of Mafiosa type families.
A chill breeze marked the end of the day and the clock chimed another quarter of an hour. I considered doing a bit of window shopping over the way.
Instead the same chap caught my eye and grunted "Une autre biere Monsieur?"
"Non merci"
I took the opportunity to enquire about my order. "Ou est mon Spaghetti?"
"Je ne comprend pas."
"Bolognaise! SPAGHETTI!"
The man shrugged and made some joke with the rest of the table. I reluctantly handed over a five franc piece for the beer "Avez-vous du change!?"
Somehow I inexplicably ended up with about seventeen francs instead of two.
My only explanation is, they must have thought I was Polish and wanted to show their disdain for anyone from the former Eastern block...
5th August An Extra Day Hungover
Everyone else has gone home today, so things are rather flat, especially after spending a fortune at last nights Irish Celtic Swiss Scottish Guinness Outdoor Music Festival...
To start with, it wasn't easy drinking rounds of cold stout in the pouring rain, even with a Gortex jacket. But by the time the main Folk-Rock ensemble came on, higher functioning had diminished sufficiently for everyone to judge the evening to be a great success.
My main memory is of becoming wildly disoriented at some stage of the dancing and finding myself flat out on the wet grass, followed by a certain amount of blundering around into Swiss people, before getting back into the swing of things. The whole thing apparently being filmed by a local television crew...
To start with, it wasn't easy drinking rounds of cold stout in the pouring rain, even with a Gortex jacket. But by the time the main Folk-Rock ensemble came on, higher functioning had diminished sufficiently for everyone to judge the evening to be a great success.
My main memory is of becoming wildly disoriented at some stage of the dancing and finding myself flat out on the wet grass, followed by a certain amount of blundering around into Swiss people, before getting back into the swing of things. The whole thing apparently being filmed by a local television crew...
4th August Alpine Confinement 2
Awoke as planned at 4:30 am and dressed hurriedly by the light of a headtorch in the mad rush with all the other inmates. Having negotiated the loft ladder, graded PD+ in sandals, we elbowed our way through rucksacks, ice axes, boots, and Swiss Germans to the front door.
Despite the pitch darkness, it was immediately evident from the horizontal snow and the strength of the gusts of wind that our traverse of the Weissmeis (4016 m) was in doubt.
Dave our guide signalled a not unwelcomed retreat back upstairs to bed for another three to four hours.
Despite the pitch darkness, it was immediately evident from the horizontal snow and the strength of the gusts of wind that our traverse of the Weissmeis (4016 m) was in doubt.
Dave our guide signalled a not unwelcomed retreat back upstairs to bed for another three to four hours.
3rd August Alpine Confinement
This is costing me hundreds of pounds to sit and watch two grown men play around with a length of rope...
"And now, 'The Thomson Knot'."
"And next..."
What about: How long would it take an individual to learn a foreign language when confined in an Alpine hut surrounded only by climbing magazines in German?
"Another drink?"
"Ya eine kleine bier und zwei apfelpunsch, bitte"...
"And now, 'The Thomson Knot'."
"And next..."
What about: How long would it take an individual to learn a foreign language when confined in an Alpine hut surrounded only by climbing magazines in German?
"Another drink?"
"Ya eine kleine bier und zwei apfelpunsch, bitte"...
2nd August Incident with Helicopter
This particular alpine hut is undergoing extension and each timber frame section is airlifted here by helicopter.
Dave our guide mentioned to the foreman that they must be missing one section of the building because we were witness to it drifting down to earth from approximately a thousand feet above. Luckily, this missed a terrace full of fat Swiss Germans sitting at a restaurant half way up the mountain.
This clientele struggle up several hundred metres, eat a 4-course lunch based on fried potatoes, then wend their way back over a series of perilous rope bridges (three persons max weight). The equivalent Brits would have to be parked adjacent to the eatery.
Dave our guide mentioned to the foreman that they must be missing one section of the building because we were witness to it drifting down to earth from approximately a thousand feet above. Luckily, this missed a terrace full of fat Swiss Germans sitting at a restaurant half way up the mountain.
This clientele struggle up several hundred metres, eat a 4-course lunch based on fried potatoes, then wend their way back over a series of perilous rope bridges (three persons max weight). The equivalent Brits would have to be parked adjacent to the eatery.
1st August Into Thin-ish Air
After the long Night of the Sardines (see yesterday), the 4:20am alarm was a welcome relief. However, breakfast consisted of muesli which had the exact appearance and texture of tuna mayonnaise.
By 5 am, we were crossing the glacier with headtorches, under the giant slag heap of Mont Blanc de Cheinon, our objective. Unfortunately this particular Mont Blanc no longer looks white, the way it does in the guide books, due to global warming.
After various trials with ice, rock and numerous taking on and off of crampons, the four of us roped together approached the 3850 meter summit up an endless slope of mushy snow swept by sleet. Due to the thin air and the impossibility of stopping, this gave the closest approximation to pure toil in my experience to date. I didn't want to be the one to say "I can't go on anymore."
By 5 am, we were crossing the glacier with headtorches, under the giant slag heap of Mont Blanc de Cheinon, our objective. Unfortunately this particular Mont Blanc no longer looks white, the way it does in the guide books, due to global warming.
After various trials with ice, rock and numerous taking on and off of crampons, the four of us roped together approached the 3850 meter summit up an endless slope of mushy snow swept by sleet. Due to the thin air and the impossibility of stopping, this gave the closest approximation to pure toil in my experience to date. I didn't want to be the one to say "I can't go on anymore."
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